We've been physically getting our "classroom" ready for our first official homeschool year (with nearly every room in the house a potential "classroom" we've been busy), but we've also been busy in a different way readying our children's hearts and minds for our future tasks. This is honestly where I've been--if not physically then mentally. I finally had the stunning realization that my kids aren't babies anymore...HALLELUJAH! Instead of being frustrated with having so many chores to do myself to run the household I decided it's time to delegate. We've been expecting the kiddos to pick up their toys and I've taught them to make their beds, but inevitably beds are unmade and there are tantrums over not wanting to help clean up messes. *sigh* Really big tantrums from a very adorable 3-1/2-year-old girl. I know that my job as a mom is to provide consistency and discipline, and there are times when I'm just too tired to uphold my end of the bargain. We all need a little grace, right?
My baby girl has been getting the best of me...and exposing my worst. God holds us in a refining fire and I've been feeling the heat! I've had a few students in the past that have left me feeling helpless--nothing I tried with them seemed to resonate and I ended up feeling intense relief when they exited my classroom door in June. I always thought "if only that was my kid I'd..." or "yes, but, if he was mine.." and felt that having the sense of ownership, if you will, of one's child would just command authority and make things a little easier, a little more cut and dry. Then Madi Moo entered the world one fine December morning in 2007. She did nothing the first few hours but scream her displeasure at a slightly early eviction. One birth attendant (there seemed to be a dozen people present, I have no idea who they were or why they were there) decried that she should receive "extra credit" on her Apgar scores for being burgundy. Josh and I felt helpless and dazed that first morning, but thankfully our little babe settled and was quiet and charming as long as she was left alone that day. After that she was an absolute delight--I described her until recently as joy and sunshine.
Moo Rylee is given to the dramatic. She likes attention and I told Josh the other night that we should get her a spotlight for her 4th birthday. Needless to say, our daughter can be charming and sweet and full of smiles then turn right around and grow fangs and horns. It's a bit puzzling. And this third year of life has definitely shown us more of her dark side--we know she sounds like Vader when she sleeps at times and I wonder how eerie it would be to plop a shiny black helmet on her head. She might just use the Force to strangle her poor mother the next time I dare suggest she pick up her princess dolls. Please understand she is not violent or evil, but she has a sinful heart just like the rest of us. Just don't tell her or she'll scream at you and pout. Our God is a God of mercy, and I know that because when she isn't making me want to run away and join the circus I want to hold her and cuddle her until the end of time.
She is strong-willed and we have had a really difficult time finding an appropriate consequence to use that makes an impact on her. Spank her and she pouts and might end up in a worse mood. Put her in time out and she'll just cop an attitude over and over. Take toys away and she'll scream but won't help clean. And her refrains in times of duress are "I'm tired" and "I'm scared" and we know that she is neither. Everyone has bad days, and I can find compassion when I know she is having one--I understand what that feels like. But when she is choosing to be ornery Josh and I stand with mouths gaping and shoulders shrugging. There seems to be no explanation other than she just doesn't want to do "xyz" and, by golly, you can't make her! Spank her, put her in time out, take away a privilege...she...doesn't...care. Princesses don't take orders, apparently.
I've had enough of this lately, and I find myself laughing at my former thoughts of "if that was my kid" and so on. And you know what? It really stinks to feel helpless when it comes to your own kid. All I can wonder is how in the world I'm going to homeschool this one when she chooses to do the opposite of what I want. I know she's not like that all the time, thankfully. But when the mood strikes I want to throw in the towel! She refuses to eat meals, she won't help out, she won't share, she won't use the potty, she doesn't want to be a big girl! Ah, and here we are at the heart of the matter. My baby doesn't want to grow up. Who can blame her? Growing up is hard work. It's also inevitable. Mommy understands that, but Moo doesn't.
Prayer works, people. I am so glad that when I'm at the end of my rope God tosses me another. He never seems to run out. And you know what? He's holding the end of every rope I'm clinging to. Last week my grip was slipping. My precious girl had me in tears of frustration, anger, and more than a little pity. I'd had enough, but when you are a parent you have to keep going. Sometimes it's like being tied to a car traveling down the freeway--keep running or fall down and end up beaten and bloody. Even if you stay on your feet your shoes are going to wear out. So I prayed and prayed and asked for prayer. And the next morning God sent me a pair of rollerskates (I'm old-school, lol). My daughter continued to refuse to clean her room (third day running) and screamed and had a lovely tantrum that went on an hour or so. But I felt serene. I never lost my temper. I found the wherewithal to just shake my head and hmmm and continue cleaning up the kitchen while my son quietly smooshed Playdough. Oh, she tried to drag me down that freeway but my skates just rolled right along. After she wore down a bit I handed her an olive branch and we made a compromise that squarely left Mommy in control yet allowed Moo to have some choice.
And I learned something. God will keep throwing you that rope, but what He really wants is for you to let go. When you do He's waiting with open arms to hold you in His lap as your Abba Father. When I gave up (my daughter comes by her obstinance honestly) God said that He didn't. And what I couldn't do, He did. The day after I admitted I couldn't do it, couldn't possible train and mold this child she changed. She was more pliant, more willing to bend, to listen. Her protests were fewer and had lost some of their strength. Let me be blunt--she WILLINGLY CLEANED HER ROOM and did it earlier in the day than she is assigned to do so! She helped clean up toys! What a difference!
I welcome each morning as a new day, I always extend that grace to my children. And now I truly expect that we are going to have a good day without wondering what antics my daughter is going to deliver. I know each day will have trials (today she hit her brother in the head with a wooden puzzle board and nearly took his eye out) and we might not all be on the same page with our moods and emotions. But I'm not looking for perfect. That would be boring! And what fodder would I have for blogging?
Back to our recent busyness...Moo's drama aside, we have been working on consistency with responsibilities and personal accountability. It's taking a lot of hand-holding (mainly for Moo) for now but I know that it won't be long before my kiddos are helping more and more. I'm definitely not rushing them because that means they are growing up, lol. Yet I am expecting more of them as is appropriate for their ages. My main goal, now, is firming up our daily routine to allow for a better transition into our school time. And if more housework is done--and less by me--then great! We are using a program called Accountable Kids--it's everything I wanted to do but don't have the time/energy/creativity/resources/energy/skill/energy to make, lol. I love that I've transferred our expectations and consequences from a more nebulous form to something concrete and placed the responsibility on our children's shoulders. Dman is loving it! Moo has both been responsive and had difficulty (not wanting to clean up), but all in all she is doing very well. If you are looking for something similar for your family I encourage you to go take a look at the program
here!
We will continue working each day--believe me, I'm working hardest at being consistent and firm when it would be so much easier to just let it all go and not hold the kids responsible for their chores or completing them in a timely manner. The changes we're seeing are fantastic, if small. If someone would just take my daughter and potty train her for me life would be pretty rosy...or at least rosy enough for me!
