It's difficult to know exactly where to start today.
I should probably start by saying shame on me for lacking faith and feeling frustrated with with God at times, because really, I know (and have known) that He is so gracious and loving and SO aware and involved with each of us. Now looking back, it seems silly that I've felt so alone.
I remember pleading in prayer to understand why Tyrel and I were struggling with infertility and I never quite understood. I remember feeling like I needed a miracle...I needed Heavenly Father to just snap his fingers and
VUAH-LA, we'd be pregnant. I remember countless tears rolling off of my face as I longed to understand the plan for me and my family. I remember putting up this facade that I had accepted the blessing it was to have our one amazing son, when inside the pain of being unable to bear more children penetrated my core. People would say, "when is Ivan going to have some siblings?" or "aren't you going to have more children?" and sometimes I experienced little miracles of not breaking down and sobbing in front of them. Sometimes.
Through the painful longing, I received many tender mercies from Father in Heaven: gifts of hope that strengthened my faith. Here are a few of the more recent
- In 2010 while living in Mesa, Arizona we were seriously considering adoption. As I began my research before making that plunge, I had the distinct impression that if we wanted to adopt through LDS Family Services that we only had a very small window of time to do that. (LDS Family Services had recently changed their adoption policy and limited adoption to families with few or no children and proven infertility). I thought at the time that meant I'd be pregnant soon. We decided to wait on adoption.
- In 2011, after living in Saint Anthony, Idaho for just a few short months, I was called by our Bishop to be the ward girls camp director. FUN! Right? Yeah, it was fun....but as I was set apart for that specific calling, I remember hearing some shocking words in the priesthood blessing that was given to me. I was told that Heavenly Father was pleased with our desire to have more children and that we needed to prepare our home for the children that would join our family soon. I thought at the time that meant I'd be pregnant soon. We decided to keep trying for baby #2.
- Later that year and we still weren't pregnant, my hope was diminishing. We decided to try yet another doctor for fertility help. We asked for Clomide. He prescribed birth control. BIRTH CONTROL?? Wasn't that a little counter-productive? He wanted us to try it for 3 months and see if my body would respond well to the medication and help me have some normal/semi-regular cycles. He had hopes of Ty and I getting pregnant in 6 months. I thought at the time that meant I'd be pregnant soon. We followed the doctors orders.
- In 2012, after taking birth control for 3 months, I still was not experiencing normal/semi-regular cycles. The Doctor recommended that I keep taking birth control for 2 more months. Seriously?? So we thought we'd give it one last try being as faithful as possible taking that little blue pill each day. Shortly after starting round 2 of birth control, Ty and I had a neat experience...during some "how was your day?" conversation when Ty got home from work, he mentioned how he'd felt prompted to talk to me about the option of foster care. (We had considered foster care several times before and we just weren't sure if we were emotionally up to the task. I just imagined opening my heart and my home to the foster children and then having my heart ripped out when/if they were placed back in crumby circumstances.) His timing was incredible...because just about 24 hours before Ty talked to me, I had the feeling that for whatever reason, NOW was the time for us to become foster parents. I thought at the time that meant I wasn't going to be pregnant soon but that we'd have other children in our home. We decided to get our home ready for fostering and begin that long process.
- Two weeks later (we hadn't even made it into the Health and Welfare office to begin filling out our paper work), we received a phone call that changed our lives. My brother Randy called and asked if we would open our home to his son, Garret. Due to some difficult situations, Garret needed to get away and change things up a bit....Randy wasn't sure how long the stay would be, maybe just a couple of months. Without hesitation, Tyrel and I said "YES!", and a day later, I was on my way to pick him up. We knew it was the right time for us to become foster parents...we didn't know it would be to our nephew! Of course we took him in with open arms and he has been such a blessing in our lives...I hope we can be the same for him. (He's now been with us for almost 6 months) A few days after Garret moved into our home, I had the undeniable feeling that I needed to stop taking birth control....a red stop sign painted on that envelope of birth control wouldn't have been more obvious than the feeling I had. I thought at the time that meant we had our solution and since we gladly had another child in our home, we decided to stop taking the medication.
Well, Heavenly Father must've snapped his fingers, because VUAH-LA, we are pregnant! I finally got the doctor to prescribe Clomide and after our first time taking it...we are now expecting TWIN BOYS!!! That means that we jumped from having 1 child in our home to having 4 in less than a year! Wow!! Heavenly Father wasn't messing around when he told us to prepare our home and family to have more children. Its been a long and interesting journey getting to where we are. Its been filled with heart ache, frustration, and sorrow, but we've also been able to experience greater faith, love, and joy as we have witnessed these miracles unfold. I have no doubt that Heavenly Father is very aware of our needs and that the timing of our life events is no accident. There were days that everything seemed so hazy and it was hard to see what was in store for us. It was hard to maintain the unwavering faith that God had a plan for me and know that I was not alone. I'm grateful for the experiences that I had that pulled me along and gave me added measures of hope and helped me understand what Father in Heaven had in store for us.
We now so gladly anticipate the arrival of our little boys...they should be here sometime in December!
Just a side note....some of you may remember
this post...it was one of the last before I dropped off the blogging planet. Re-reading it, makes me laugh...just a little! I guess maybe even then I had a glimpse of what might be coming :)
