Final Stop of My Studies (?)

When I first entered uni, I told myself to be prepared for the worse - in case I didnt managed to continue on to year 2, I would just drop out and enter the workforce since I had a diploma anyway. Now, amazingly, I'm in my final (?) year of study. To be honest, I cant wait to graduate and start working. Maybe its due to our family financial circumstances. Maybe I'm just sick of studying for the sake of a certificate which is deemed important to the society. I dont know either.

Its already 6 weeks into year 3 sem 1. Recess week is next week and here comes the mountain of assignment/projects and CAs. The only thing that makes me dread recess week a lil would be the upcoming big bang concert - my first kpop concert. And I picked quite a few cui modules this sem. Geography wasnt meant to be like this, and the module title: Physics IN Life Sciences kinda tricked me. Boo. I dont care anymore. Its not like if I score I can make it to honours year. This thought had escaped from my mind since day 1 of uni.

I know I'm kinda jumping here and there but who cares. Its not like anyone's gonna read this so. Anyways, I think I said the wrong thing one fine day, and it couldnt be deleted. Call me sensitive or what, after that incident, I felt like the person involved and those who read the msg were avoiding me. I dont know but thats what I feel. I admit that I'm a bit gan chiong or kiasu but if I dont get things done asap, the stuffs will keep getting stuck in my head and I cant fall asleep. Whats worse is that I have a habit of stopping to study/do assignments and whatnot after 9pm but apparently everyone else around me does the opposite. Seriously, how the hell can you concentrate that late into the night? I'm not kidding but I have NEVER EVER burnt the midnight oil to study. Its isnt of any use even your brain stops working after 9pm right? Like what my ex-colleague said to me once, you can really use your fingers to count the no. of friends who will be there for you when you need them. I've experienced it before too. Loads of disappointment when you hear the excuses that they try so hard to come up with. Sorry but I'm not a fool.

Well, it may be redundant in my case what I still wanna pray and wish that everything will go smoothly and may the bell curve be in my favor for the upcoming CAs (:

人活着的目的是什么？

In such a short period of 8 months, I experienced the loss of someone thrice. Yes, not 1 or 2 but 3. Seriously whats with 2012? Dooms year? The most saddening thing about losing someone is when that person still have a long long way to go. 28 years of age. When you are just starting to enjoy your life, suddenly your life is taken away from you. Without any prior warning. I tried putting myself in his shoes. What if the one who suddenly left this world without any prior warning was me myself? I will surely have tonnes of regret. No boyfriend, haven't started my working life, haven't enjoyed my life enough yet. Sometimes, I think to myself. Is God being too unfair to some people? Is it because he was a terrible person in his previous life? Why? I even heard one of my ex-colleague said to another person: 为什么坏的人不走，那么一个好的人却要走呢？Indeed. I seriously don't get it. 姑姑也是一个那么好的人，却这样走了。

Dear Boon Sen,

Thanks for being such an awesome manager for the period of time when i was under you. Never failed to bring fun and laughter to us crews. Sorry for always making things tough for you when you were planning our schedules: planning a one-day "strike" by taking off all on the same day letting your store to down-crew, and all the other nonsense we presented. Life was cruel to you (in my opinion) so i hope you aren't suffering now, regretting all those things you could have accomplished but couldn't. I am also sorry for almost wanting to not attend your wake. I am glad I went in the end for I knew you were a great friend to everyone, seeing the attendance that day. Once again, awesome manager! thanks for everything you have done! and may you rest in peace...

Yours Sincerely,
STACY :)
Ex-crew leader
AMK Hub MacDonalds

What if you only had 49 days?

Yes, indeed. What if you only had 49 days left to settle whatever there needs to be settled? These thoughts came to my mind after watching the K-drama titled 49 days? Upon reading each episode summary, I was left with one burning question till the extent that i was totally sleepless that night. Why would they give you 49 days to painstakingly search for 3 people who genuinely loved you only to realize that at the end of the 49 days, you were gonna die anyway. This was simply too cruel to the person, like the "scheduler" told her when she saw him after waking up from her supposedly "brain dead" condition. I imagine me in her shoes; I surely would go insane. I rather I died that fateful day than to have someone telling me I may have a chance to live if i could ... & ... Like seriously.

Well, after watching right up to the last episode with me being choked with tears i suddenly realized the real intention behind the 49 days. At least she had one last chance to make things right, know the true colours of her friends and fiance, know who truly loved her and last but not least, she had the final chance to say goodbye to her parents. A cruel and tormenting period indeed. Live like its your last day on earth. I havent been able to do that yet cause i know i have many things i wanna accomplish...

Life's Last Journey

I remember mentioning in my previous post that i had another friend's wedding to attend today. However, instead of attending the wedding, i attended a wake instead. No words could express what i felt.

Through her, I had a first experience of attending night prayers on the last day of the wake.
Through her, I had a first experience of entering Mandai crematorium.
Through her, I had a first experience of seeing a coffin being wheeled in to be cremated.
Through her, I saw my dad crying for the 1st time (or maybe 2nd, during 二伯's funeral).

She was the best 姑姑 i ever had. Always helping my family when we needed help, although we have never mentioned how tough life was for us. Never wanting to trouble us and therefore, I only saw her once on good friday when we finally found out she was suffering from metastatic breast carcinoma. Even then, she could only stare at us, unable to mouth out any words. And suddenly, on a morning when i was leaving for my SOM CA, i was informed that she had left this world. Mum started crying aloud, emotions were ... Dad had to work and could only rush to the wake late at night. Seeing her lifeless body, everyone started tearing. Even today, tears just unknowingly appeared.

My first time being part of a funeral procession, standing behind the van and walking for a short distance with the entire procession blocking the road and vehicles' path, onlookers watching us out of curiosity... A grand yet solemn affair. Cremation was super fast, like time just zoomed by. Within 1/2 an hour, we were back at her place. Saying our goodbyes and take care phrases, until we meet again.

姑姑， 一路好走。
我会很想你的。
谢谢你，所为我的家人做过的一切。
希望你来世会过的更好。。。

Greatest Gift on Earth - A Child

And so they say, a child is the greatest gift that a parent can have. True indeed. Little Ayden arrived, bringing joy and laughter to his parents :)

btw, the lady in the pic isnt the mum but me haha!

And he grows tremendously fast! I rmbed the first time i carried him, he was as light as a feather; after a month, he didnt look red now, and was heavier. My 母爱 is starting to creep out of my inner self alrdy haha. But, still LONG LONG way more.

And thus, from late 2011 to 2012, I've experienced so many new things that I've never dreamed to be able to achieve. They (maybe some) were not even on my wish list either.
1. 1st friend's wedding banquet
2. 1st overseas trip with friends (which includes 1st time wearing a life vest, 1st time snorkelling, 1st time banana boating etc)
3. 1st friend's 满月 lunch reception
4. 1st A for a university module (which i absolutely love to bits)
5. 1st close encouter with long-tailed macaques (which includes me getting attacked by a bunch)

And soon, another friend's wedding to attend next month. But alas, before i can look forward to it, I'll have to mug like crazy for my finals. And it aint easy. Imagine all the names: TIM, TOM, SAM, DISC, FADD etc. And no, they aint people's names or cd if you wondered. Well, i need more memory space. Time to upgrade. Anyone with a spare part?

有时候，我们只需要放手

Never in my life had i been in such close contact with a macaque, let alone a group of ~25 macaques at close range. It's such a eye-opener to be able to see such stuffs, all thanks to my eco project. Well, maybe i shouldnt be thanking eco cause it has been sucking up most of my recess week. Had a hard time before our proposal was finally accepted. Had been wanting to do the white-vented myna but since they wanted quantitative data, there was nothing we could do but abundance or diversity; and after our recce trip to kent ridge park, due to the rain we missed the early dawn time and didnt manage to see any birds. but we had a pleasant surprise, long-tailed macaques feeding, fighting/playing etc. And so we thought of doing the monkeys instead. Timing wise was bad cause we needed to accomodate to their super early feeding time, but the sightings were wonderful.

Well, digressing, i tried my utmost best to study and understand the different probabilities and distribution but somehow, when i tried doing last year's stats midterm, i didnt know how to do at least half of them questions. Even those that i managed to figure out the answer, I'm not even sure if they are right. This is the 2nd time that i'm prepared for failure, the 1st being CM1401. As long as i scrape the module without having to repeat, i'm contented. But again, everything has 2 sides. Being able to scrape the module would mean that my already-not-so-fantastic CAP will spiral down like crazy. And there goes my honours. Again, I've learnt to 放开 already so i'm prepared for whatever that comes my way.

With that being said, I still need all the luck in the world for my mid-terms on tues and weds cause who wouldnt want a better grade?

If I Could Turn Back Time

How i wished this sem never came...

I'm dying every lecture during stats - either the lecturer seriously dont know how to teach, or i'm just plain stupid. I can foresee my CAP falling, and maybe i might need to repeat this module again. i dont know. Call me pessimistic but yeah. I'm sort of prepared for it.

The reason why i hate doing group work/project is this - no one in my group cares to get started at all. I always had to be the one leading. I'm exhausted. How i wished i could have better groupmates. Dateline is this thursday and no one, YES NO ONE STARTED ANYTHING YET. And i cant start too because THE TOPIC HASNT EVEN BEEN DECIDED YET. WTF.