cruise

Hello everyoneee (:
I've returned from cruise for close to 3 days already.
So here's an update on my feelings and thoughts of the cruise trip with DHLFM.
Similarly to the other overseas school trip that i went, it either make or break friendships.
In the cruise, there was a distinct segregation between the class for those involve and those who knows what is happening.
Pocketfuls of unhappiness and "bushuang-ness" actually filled up bits and parts of the 4 days journey.
But like what we always say, what happens on the ship, stays on the ship.
But having to spend 4 days so closely to your classmates really gave not only me but many of us a wonderful opportunity to learn and know more about each other.
Despite the unhappiness and "bushaung-ness" that many of us felt, i believe the trip is still an enjoyable one.
What i personally like the most from the cruise apart from the chinese food is actually those endless conversation that i had with my friends.
Its just those natural chats that are not pre-planned for a certain topic, but more of we speaking whatever things that come to our minds.
Just chatting while lying on the bed or sitting on the deck with the heavy and strong wind blowing on our faces. It was really the most memorable part of the entire journey.
I'm glad that i went for the cruise even though i might be still raging over some stuffs that happened.
But still, without these unhappiness, it would not bring my friends in the class closer to each other.
If i were to be asked if i want to travel with these friends again- in a heartbeat.

MingKang.

experiences .

I don't mind spending everyday, out on your corner in the pouring rain.
- Maroon 5, She will be loved

Its been a really hectic week, with exams and revisions.
3 papers are down and 2 more to go.
Something I've realized from my revision for the past few weeks is that the level of hard work isn't as high as what it used to be few months ago.
& I've got to admit, there was a time that i don't see a point to work hard anymore.
But still, i clenched my fist, grit my teeth and kept pushing because i can't bear to see the huge drop in my grades that i expected to happen a few weeks before the start of exams.
Determined, i started to push my own boundaries and try to give it my all for the preparations to finish off the first term well.
The journey was tough, and there was a point i thought i was not going to make it through, when all hope seem to be lost and its just me kept pushing and pushing.
Then, i realised, she wasn't having a good time either, she was also pushing.
& she always told me, i was a strong person.
So, I've decided to hit back on life ten times harder than how hard it pushed me off the cliff.
For the past month, it was really treacherous, i crashed, i tumbled, but i certainly did not crumble.
Managed to fight my way through all the pain, I realized strengths that i thought i never had.
& just like that, i managed to pull through my revisions and studied really hard without motivation, but just me pushing myself on.
& i guess my efforts does pay off. Even though revision was torturous, but the first 3 papers passed like a breeze.
I don't know what will the results be, but i guess, it will be good- at least.
Now, i'm left with 2 more battles to fight, & i guess i shall drown myself into my notes again.

MingKang!

subterfuge

"Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better."
- Henry Rollins

I guess that's what loneliness really do, doesn't it?
You're only able to be who you really are, when its late at night and nobody is looking.
That's when you allow those tears to flow.
That's when you truly admit to your feelings after having a long day of laughing, joking and smiling with your friends.
The day wasn't as painful as friendship gave me an illusion even for just 5-7 hours of me not being alone. 
& just like what the quote says, when the sun sets, you know that that's when your friends are going home, and yourself will also be going home. & the true loneliness comes back creeping, it comes back.
& it feels as though its burning you really bad.
& that's it. you're alone. the feeling of being trapped in a past that you cannot walk out of truly tears you apart.
I've been hiding it so well, so tightly, so deceiving that everyone was fooled, except for one of my friend.
He truly knows that it was a scar that never recovered. Its a scar that i hide it with all the smiles and jokes i crack.
But it had been deceiving enough that it managed to cover the truth to many's eyes, including you.
For the past week, it has been revision after revision.
Kept telling myself to study hard, and maintain the grades i got from mid-semester test.
But truthfully, things were no longer the same since week 2 of this term.
The reason on why i was studying was no longer the same.
I worked my ass off and studied like crazy, because i want to built a bright future, not for myself, but for us.
& now, everything feels like its up in the smoke.
it feels like whatever you've been working for, was utterly useless.
& at night, when i'm trying to get to sleep. those selfish thoughts, feeling that i shouldn't even be treated that way.
& yet, I can't bring myself to do anything.
& so I've became voiceless about this, because deep within, I know, no matter how sad I feel, how much I wished for things to change, it aint gonna happen again.

P.S.
Sometimes, its good that not many people come to this blog.
at least, i can remain as someone happy and carefree on the outside.

lamentation

There's this song that I've been listening on repeat for 2 days already.
Its titled Boston by Augustana, for some of you who knows this song, we got to admit its a kinda old song.
But sometimes it's songs like these, that are embedded in our memories forever.
It is a type of song that you'll come to remember the lyrics and start singing it to yourself without any reason.
Its that type of song that you didn't have to always listen to and yet, you can remember how it sounds like.
& sometimes, such songs are embedded in our memories not because of how nice it sounds like.
But the memories that plays along with it, a trace of memory that you wish can still happen again, and yet knowing it is all in the past.
So you tend to play it again and again, to just savor that moment.
For those who come to my blog often, i believed you have read the previous post.
& somewhere along the previous week, i started to doubt that post.
I even started to doubt myself.
It all started on this night when i suddenly felt like I am some superhuman to recover from such pain so quickly.
& it was then i realised am i really recovered? Or it was all just something i hope to believe in.
Humans like us tend to believe in things that we choose to believe. Very little of us would like to believe in something that we choose not to.
I choose not to believe that i'm a weak person.
I choose to believe that i'm a strong person. But am i lying to myself?
Someone said this to me last week, "You shouldn't be joking around that much because it makes you look like a fool. Because you're not a funny person."
Somehow, even though i replied by just saying everybody deserves a little bit of laughter.
But i kept pondering on what this person said.
Others tend to say that i'm funny. But why am i making people laugh when truly i know that i'm scarred, broken and vulnerable in the inside.
Why is it that i tend to keep laughing, smiling, and even talking as though nothing happened when late at night i still tend to drop a tear or two.
I've been thinking really hard, and i guess i just don't wish to show people the vulnerable side of me.
I can still remember the scene clearly, where i keep receiving messages from others asking if i'm fine, it felt that bad.
& so, to let everything stop, and everyone to feel better and not be worried about me, i've been fixing my own heart, and at the same time, building a wall around myself to not let anyone see the vulnerable side of me.
I don't want others to see me as someone weak, i don't need anyone to sympathize with me. I just want to stand on my own. I want to live my life on my own terms.
& for someone who actually care enough and sensitive enough to know that i'm no longer like the old me anymore, they would come into my life and knock these walls down to bring me out of all these pain that i'll be burying deep within me.
that's when a new chapter of my life begins.

inquietude

2 weeks ago, i felt that i fell so hard that i would never want to get back up again.
when everything, everything I cherished, everything I ever wanted abruptly came to an end.
I felt it coming at that instance, and every reply felt like I'm going to war.
& the outcome? i've lost the war.
At that moment, i felt that i really lost everything.
I felt that it was so unfair for myself to receive such treatment.
A mixture of anger, regrets, and anguish.
& of course, zero percent of happiness.
Rough days and even rougher nights, tears that meandered down my cheeks uncontrollably.
& it felt as though my smile was being robbed away.
& it was only up till this night, when i felt so thirsty and i was pouring myself a cup of water.
Halfway through, my mind wandered off somewhere and i guess i was staring blankly on the table.
However, not for long, i was brought back to reality when the water overflowed from the cup.
& that's when i decided to really get back up and fight for what i think i'm worth of.
Well, happiness, satisfaction are really alike with filling up a cup with water isn't it?
One might say that you can never have enough of everything.
But others also say that there's a limit to everything.
So which side of the story should i stand at?
A side where i'll keep getting and keep taking what i want, or a side that i won't keep receiving all of the stuffs that i wish i have.
I guess somewhere in the middle? Where most people are too.
Life is really like this i guess. People often say, life is always full of up and down, it is just like a roller-coaster ride.
We've been asked to enjoy this roller-coaster ride when we can, be it high or low, we just gotta cherish every moment of it, because its a one ride only thing.
When the ride comes to an end and you want to ride it again, its too late. Its one of those things that doesn't give you a second chance if you don't take it yourself during the ride.
& yet, many of us are so shallow about our own feelings, our own thoughts, and even our own life.
Me, and i believe for many others, we always complain and get really upset and feel that we are unfairly treated or complain that life sucks when we're at the lower point during the ride. I won't say the lowest, because you'll never truly know how low you can reach.
But the irony is that, when we're way high up, we always feel damn happy, some of us won't cherish those moments, while others might. & we might even say, life feels so great and stuffs like that. But when we hit rock bottom, boom, we forget everything about being happy once, and gave a totally different view on life almost immediately.
Is it because most of us are brought up in an environment that we can almost get everything we want and in the midst of getting what we want, we've forgot the meaning of cherishing them.
& is it because that we're just plain selfish and wish to be happy and wish that things will go right or go by our way all the time.
But, like i've said earlier, happiness, satisfaction are really like filling a cup with water.
There will be a time, when the cup will be fully filled, a time when the water level reaches the brim. & at that point, when we continue to pour water in the cup, what happens?
It overflows. & the whole place will be in a mess if we don't clean it up fast enough .
Sometimes, we might even stubbornly continue to pour more water into the cup, even when we know its fulled already, and we will be caught at the moment of messiness, which can be referred to us stuck in misery.
But i guess a simple solution is just to drink the water first, take our time to savor each slip and take our time to drink it slowly, and when the cup is empty again, we'll just fill it up.
Happiness doesn't last forever, fairytales are given that name for a reason.
But we just gotta know that we don't have to keep getting happiness or satisfaction, but we just need to enjoy the moment when we have it.
& when we won't receive it for a moment, we just gotta take our time and not to stubbornly fight for more. But just to wait for the right moment and then fight for the happiness again.
& for me now, i'm just gotta stay strong, not just for myself but for everybody who cares for me too, including you.
& I guess its only when you truly learn how to live not only for yourself but also for others then you truly knows the meaning of being selfless.
The moment when you've decided your life doesn't only revolves around you, but instead many others that are around you also revolves in it. That's the moment when you'll learn how to live, the moment when you will find a new reason and meaning in life.
I might feel damn roughed and feel damn down, i might feel i'm damn alone.
But being too concentrated in my own sadness, being too concentrated in looking at my wrecked heart, wondering how and when will it put into pieces together, i've forgotten to take a break and look around me.
Many others are still standing behind me, supporting me. & when you've decided not to allow your sadness to affect others, its when you'll painfully fixed back your own heart, a heart that you didn't break, but it broke by its own. Yes, you might feel damn painful to fix back your own broken heart, but its when you feel that pain to fix your own heart, you'll cherish it more and get stronger.
Well, i'll continue to be me, just a newer me, a stronger and more matured person to just accept what life has to offer and continue fighting.
A fighter doesn't need to be physically strong, its the heart and mentality that matters.
Thank you for hearing me rant, and i genuinely hope that my own experience and my thoughts might help in one way or another.
Love life.

MingKang.

serenity

 

Hello everyone.
Holidays are finally coming to an end and during this 3 week period, i felt a whole bunch of emotions compared to studying for the past few weeks.
& this morning, when i woke up, i continued lying on my bed.
As i stared blankly at the ceiling, i started wondering, wondering a whole lot of different stuffs.
If i need to use one single word to describe how i feel about myself this holiday it is actually: accelerator.
You know, i tend to like to rush things, especially i tend to rush for the things i want.
When i want to do well in academics, i'll rush and study alot.
When i want to excel in my CCAs during my secondary school days, i rush and put alot of effort in it.
When i want to buy a game or something that much, i rush to save up and buy it.
Therefore, i would say that i rush alot.
Perhaps its because of the type of environment that im in ever since im young? Its very competitive, people always striving to be the best. & this is something you cannot deny if you're in living here in Singapore. The fantasy line of "there's no need to be the first, as long as you feel that you did enough, its enough" does not really apply here. At least i'll say, for myself.
Or am i actually just pointing fingers, and that i am actually a very competitive person.
You know, when i fix onto a goal, or a target that i aim for.
I'll stick with it, persevere through it, and fight my way to it.
So you know, sometimes i really get into trouble for being a step or way too fast.
& perhaps its also because of this which led me to lose out in many different stuffs.
Somethin called serenity?
In someone like me, you can never find peace or calm within.
I'm always rushing, so much till the extend where i never really stop moving and just enjoy myself and take a look around.
Sometimes, i just really wish i could care less.
I care alot, maybe sometimes too much that people tend to visualize my self-proclaimed care into being too obsessive.
But its because i do mind alot about how stuffs are like.
Its because i want to hold you really close so that i'm able to protect you from the world.
But i can't do that right. Hahaha..
& somewhere along the line where we are all growing up, perhaps we really lose who we use to be .
& somewhere along the line, some of us might build walls around ourselves.
I know why people do that because trust me, i'm one of those people.
I never allow anyone except for my love ones to come very close to me.
I don't allow normal friends or people i meet to see my tender side and to know who i really am.
I don't like to let people know how i feel about certain stuffs.
You know, i'm sure many of others are actually going through this as well.
But have we really wondered by isolating ourselves like that to prevent being hurt or to even feel safe, are actually making you feel lonely?
"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone."- Orson Welles
So, by building walls around ourselves and not to dare to step out into this world, how do we feel that we're not alone.
I heard this on TV once, "I came to this world crying & i want to leave this world with a smile on my face"
This might get a little too far off but, by building walls around yourself, do you think you'll leave this world with a smile?
Sometimes, i really gotta take one step at a time and enjoy everything that is happening around me.
Time. Time is nothing actually. We cannot save it, we cannot buy it, we cannot rewind it. Once it's over, its gone.
Let's all learn to appreciate time and go with the flow of time. Only then, we are able to see and appreciate things around us without losing out. & that is said by me.

MingKang.

an afterthought.

Hello everybody.
It's been a while since i lasted blogged.
Its the holidays now, and in today's post i wanna talk about how my life has been for the past few months or weeks.
I have no idea why i have this weird way of sharing my experience where I'll share it to the internet, but never to anyone around me.
Amusing isn't it?
So just before the holidays was the Mid-Semester Test.
In every single exam, i know i can do better.
Why you might ask.
Because i know if i put in more effort, and focus on every single detail, i'll do better.
But its really hard to live up to expectations.
Life is just full of ups and downs.
I'll not complain about how hard it is to me, because i know its been harder to many out there.
& i know I'm not alone to have the feeling of being beat down by life.
So many things that I've saw for the past few weeks.
A donkey, a scumbag who keeps liking stuffs on facebook.
But still i won't allow hatred to fill my heart up, I have a choice to be a good person and I'll be one.
A bunch of people wanting something but pushing all the word to someone who did not bring up the idea.
What is this.
Truthfully, i've questioned myself what is all these about.
Why things turn out this way.
Why can't people get their own things done.
Why is it that people will not work their ass off for something they want.
I thought it has always been the traditional way of, "if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth"
Since when things are handed to your hands just because you said hey how about we all do this or do that.
Responsibilities. I remember i had a tough time learning how to spell this word when i was in preschool.
Its such a long word and true enough, it is also very tough to live up to it.
If you open your mouth of literally typed it out on the internet saying that you want this, you better have plans on following up what you've said and make it happen.
Don't give excuses like, eh sorry, i got camp. Sorry, i got exams.
Its like for god's sake, everyone have their own problems too, its not like you're the only having it!
She's having her own problems too, and she's working so hard to give you all what you guys want.
& yet, all you people can think of is fun.
I know its none of my business.
But i'm just speaking my voice out.
"I'd rather be hated for who i am, than to be liked for who i am not"
So that's about it, the things that made me really boiled up tonight.
Thanks for hearing me rant about it.
Goodbye.

major decision.

Hello, so life is pretty busy & tiring the past week.
I'll blog like once in every week or once in every 2 weeks?
It really depends on my schedule, cause im busy studying and doing the assignments.
Have you ever been to a point of your life where an opportunity is handed to you?
Its an opportunity that you've always wanted, something that you really craved for.
But the time isn't right, and you're unsure if you should take that opportunity or not.
People once said, grabbed every opportunity that you see, they don't always come by.
But truthfully, in reality should we really practice that?
Furthermore, this opportunity that is presented to me, is presented to everyone too.
Grab every opportunity you can see? really?
I prefer to believe in grab the opportunity at the right time.
Such major decision of applying a scholarship with bond is like setting my future at an age of like, 17?
Its too early, really too early.
Let's just take one step at a time and see how things will be like in the future. :)
I'm more of a person that when i choose to do something, i'll never ever regret on it.
& when i choose not to take up this opportunity, i've really thought hard enough about it.
passion and interest.
You can be as passionate and as interested in something, but sometimes, it might not suit you.
That's what i've been thinking for the past few days.
What if it doesn't suit me? All the what ifs.
Its my future that im talking about now, and i cannot afford to risk much.
I guess i shall just concentrate on the present and make the most out of everything i have now.
& the future, we'll see it again when it's here.

MingKang.

changing perspective

Its been quite some time since i last blogged here.
Life is pretty much the same since the last update. Its still the usual stuffs.
But something inside me changed significantly, its how i see the world.
The perspective i have in many things changed, and its because of one thing.
Something that is really very harsh and it keeps us from wandering too far in our different dreamland.
Something called - reality.
At this moment, i don't dare to say that i'm probably one of those teenagers that gone through all sorts of highs and lows in my life.
But certainly, i did experience reality, and i did went to all sorts of highs and lows in my life. However, i count myself as one of those fortunate ones.
You might ask why? Because in the midst of being almost blinded by reality, i managed to open my eyes wide enough to look at the brighter side of life.
Why complain about things that i don't have or i have failed in, when i have the other choice of appreciating the different stuffs i have and i have succeeded in.
But let's take a moment for me to type out how this transformation take place.
In my secondary school days, i was taught alot about many many different things other than academics.
Being one of those privileged few, i'm those kind of students who loved to take up to responsibilities, those kind of student who sign up for plenty of different courses so i can enrich myself.
During those days, i learn quite alot about leadership, and i also come across tons of inspiring life quotes.
But during my last year, i had to put all those aside even though my passion is still burning there, for the o levels.
I studied very hard, putting in my best, because of two reason.
I don't want to disappoint my parents like how i did during PSLE.
& also, i'm studying for the one i love, if i don't do well during the Os, then the future not only for us, but also for me, will be much tougher and much bitter.
So the transformation kicks in when i was waiting for my results, the time when i had my first working experience.
The different kind of politics within a f&b outlet, those experiences of unkind customers.
& i faced some other problem in different aspects of my life that time.
Truthfully, i hit rock bottom, it was probably one of the lowest point i had in my life yet. But i know there's more to come.
I was so upset at that time, that i felt all those stuffs i heard and learnt in secondary school are all lies.
It does not apply to the real world.
& i call all those things i learn as the "fantasy world" .
It was only until after loads of self reflection and courage that i realise and admit  i was not right.
Yes, such stuffs do not exist as prominently in the real world.
Reality is so tough, life keeps knocking you down and when you get up and move on, it knocks you down again.
I thought im breaking apart, and there was this indescribable feeling that weigh me down.
& recently, when i was on the verge of breaking, i found out that no matter how hard things get, its just one simple and yet strong thought that will prevent you from breaking and keeps me moving.
"You're stronger than this MingKang, you will not break"
Its one thought, but it has to be practiced, and here i am.
Feeling better than ever.
We always have a choice, but sometimes the other choice can be so hard and painful that we want to choose the easy way out.
That's how humans work i believe.
But its only through such hard and painful times that makes us stronger.
I know what i'm worth for, and i'll be willing to go back out to the real world and also a new world of polytechnic, and go and fight for what i'm worth.
Nobody cares about what you should get or what's rightfully your's if they're not your loved ones.
Resign to the fate that this world is competitive.
We all fight for our goals, but many steps on others to achieve it.
& for me, i'll fight for it, and at the same time, i will definitely not let down the principles i hold.
I know its not easy, and i know i'll fall apart at some point.
But i'll keep going, breaking every single barrier in front of me with my own hands, hardwork and perseverance.
I hope for the best for me.
& yes, i know i can.

MingKang.