just a little thought .

Hello Internet.

Well, holidays are coming to an end real soon and freshmen orientation is next week.
Thinking about it, it will be real close for me to get the doubts i have for such a long while answered real soon.
& I do hope that will happen.
Regardless whether it is in my favor or not, i just want answers, a beginning, or even a closure.
I'll admit that I'm so afraid that I'm holding on to nothing at the end of the day.
When i see that you're actually online on whatsapp when you're in china, it makes me really have so many different thoughts.
"Why aren't you messaging me?" "Why are you even online?"
& it just seems that you're messaging or chatting with someone else and I'm sending long messages every morning and hoping you're alright.
With all the uncertainties and doubts, i asked myself, where did that trust i used to have on you went to?
& I'll just take a deep sigh gently and make myself stop thinking about it.
Perhaps, that was the reason why i have so much time and then deciding to invest it in the gym, swimming pool, or running around the neighborhood.
People say, don't focus on what you've lost, instead focus of what you've gained after that lost.
But truth is, almost everything is much harder in the reality, and it takes a whole lot of courage and a little of everything to always make the right decision.
At the end of the day, it's not what i say i will do that defines who i am, but what i do that defines me.

“Sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go but rather learning to start over.” - Nicole Sobon

MingKang.

& it hits me.

Hello Internet.

"When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did."
I first heard this quote back in November 2 years ago when i was attending some leadership camp organized by High Achievers called "The Legendary Leadership Summit"
When i first heard it, I agreed it just became a part of my memory.
& today, it finally hit me, there's no way to better understand and comprehend the meaning of this quote than to experience it yourself.
I won't say that i regret it, or whatsoever, but i did let go of many things last year.
Some i let it go willingly, and others, i did not.
It's always times like this, when it's late at night that i decide to dig my own heart out and have a conversation with it.
A genuine conversation with yourself.
I'd say, if you can't be truthful to yourself about you, how can you be truthful to others?
& It's during conversations and reflections like these, that sets you thinking, and makes you wonder, what exactly are you doing with yourself in your life?
Year one of my polytechnic life was nothing but grades, friends, and nothing else.
It's so different from who i was in secondary school.
But i guess, priorities shifted, and a change was necessary.
Anyways, I have a scholarship interview tomorrow and surprisingly, I'm not having high expectations about it since i have no cca other than being the class rep in year one. Hahaa.
That's about it, i suppose.
Oh, and holidays, they are really boring.

MingKang.

a long winding road.

The first week of holidays is coming to an end, and well, i got to say, it was one hell of a ride.
It has been a mash of fun, warmth, love, and lastly, realization.
Fun was pretty much involved with the presence of 06, and of course, the fact that the exams are finally over.
Accompaniment with 06 was definitely nice. It's like we've known each other close to a year already, but it feels as though we know each other for really really long.
& what i really like about my class is that i can be just simply myself with them, joking, and playing around.
It just feels so carefree. Pardon me for the lack of humility, but I always try my best to be truthful to myself, and 06 is not fully the reason why I feel happier nowadays, they are just a part of it.
But please don't misunderstand that i don't appreciate them, it's just that I've learn to stop being trapped with my past, and decided to move to the present.
It might sound really easy and simple, and it might sound confusing to move to the present, and not the future. & I guess some might wonder what exactly do i mean.
Truthfully, I ain't sure what my future will be like now. But i'm sure that for the past few months, I'm not facing what is happening in the present.
& all thanks to that 1 sleepless nights, and countless of thoughts, I've thought it through.
& that's where realization kicks in.
It was hard and painful, but i guess it's for the better of both of us.
Even though i hated it, but my actions are affecting you.
& trust me, that's the least i want to do, and so, I've decided to do something that i didn't want to do, which is to move on. ):
The tears have already dried up a half a year ago. But i'll be lying if i say i can move on completely.
& like I've always said, I'll just go with the flow.
When I'm needed, I'll be there for you, always.

The whole house feels really different during the holidays, it's filled with more warmth and love for sure.
I'm really in love with all those lunch dates with my mum, and sister. & to have dinner with my dad, or to just sit on the sofa with him watching tv.
It just adds on a really special feeling to holidays, which cannot be felt when I was busy studying or clearing projects during school term.
Sometimes i really wonder, in the midst of us fighting for what we want in school or even in work, has our priorities shifted in a wrong direction?
Of course it's important to fight and achieve your goals, especially to me as I'm really a competitive person.
But is it time for us to re-think about our priorities, before we lose the chance to do things that we want to do?
Is there anything bigger and more important than a simple act of spending time with our families
Perhaps, it's time for all of us to stop our hasty footsteps, and take a look at what's happening around us. Our parents are getting old, as we're growing up. As we grow taller, and advance further in our lives, there are more strands of white hair on our parents' head.
Let's all just spend a little more time with them, make them happy, and fulfill our duties as their children.
& love them the way they have always love us.

"Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another."
- Thomas Merton

return

Hello Internet.

Well, since i have nothing much to do, I've thought of updating this small place of mine.
It's the holidays now - the period that all of us yearned for during the torturous EST period.
& when law paper ended, I swear I was freaking excited, thinking of how I am going to spend my holidays.
But just like every other holidays, i get bored within the first week.
It's definitely better than those stressful days when I'm preparing for the papers, but my point is that it's really really boring.
Haha, so how have i spend the past 4 days of holidays?
It's just revolving around certain things i guess. Watching movies, dramas, running man, other variety shows, running, and the one that i'm enjoying the most, fulfilling my duties as a son.
It's really really nice to walk under the rain, with an umbrella, fetching dad from work and helping him to carry what he dabao back home with him under the heavy rain.
& of course, the lunch dates I had with my mum.
& watching running man with my sister.
It's like really quality time that i get to spend, which i kinda lost when i was studying.
& I'm going sentosa with my class tomorrow!
Hopefully can get a little more tan tomorrow!

conflicting .

Hello Internet.

Sigh, it's always this period during the time of the year that I'll fall sick.
& when i do fall sick, i take really really long to get back up.
It was Steven Johnson Syndrome last year, and this year, it's some kind of weird and strong viral fever.
That makes it two years in a row that I couldn't celebrate Chinese New Year.
Sucks, but well~

Recently, i'm conflicting myself with so many matters.
I guess it's really hard when they are matters of the heart. It's really been so long since I'm feeling troubled over stuffs like these. & it definitely sucks to be in this position.
& yet i'm still in the midst of having examinations, which makes things even more complicated because i keep getting myself distracted. ):
Sigh, but i guess that's life. Things just, happen...
Saying about examinations, oh gosh, it's like so frustrating.
I missed my f&b test because i was running a fever. & gosh, it's like the worst thing that can ever happen.
I'm supposed to be left with law and I can somehow study it comfortably with these 3 days after my econs paper.
But now, i have f&b retest on thursday, and friday, i have law. & it's really weird how law is scheduled on 4pm! Like, whatttttt.
So now, i'm like re-revising on f&b because i memorized the staffs when i was still very sick the previous time. & i have to rush through law tomorrow.
I guess it's coffee night on thursday then.
Talking about exams, i'm much much lazier this semester compared to the previous one.
& what's more irritating is that when i confide into my classmates about this, they will all give me that "you gotta be kidding" face.
Argh gosh people, i'm serious that i'm not putting in as much effort as what i did.
So, believe me alright?'
Oh and gosh, i really really miss running so much. ):
Need to go for one soon, after the exams!

doldrums.

"One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain."
- Bob Marley

It has been a really long time since I've last updated this little space of mine.
Well, life has been really hard recently, but i guess it would be an understatement if i say that i'm expecting everything to be easy and cruise sailing for me.
I guess that's how things are, the older we grow, the more problems we have, the more headaches we get, and somewhere along the line of growing up, we tend to forget the true meaning of happiness.

Recently, there's these few songs that will be on repeat mode whenever i feel like listening to music.
It feels as if, the song is specially written for me, and somehow it sings to me.
It's definitely not on the Billboard's hot 100 list, but they are definitely songs that sings dearly to my heart.
I saw this on twitter a few days ago and it says that Music speaks when words can't express what you feel.
& it's definitely the case for me.
It's really so hard to explain to people how i feel recently.
I've even doubt myself if i'm truly happy. I laugh and smile a lot in school, and it felt as though i'm really happy. But it is always nights like this, when everything becomes quiet, when those thoughts start to flood my mind, which sets me thinking - a lot and perhaps way too much.
The past few nights were a little different. The same few songs being played, the same emotions being felt, but it feels much darker.

It's really amazing how promises can be broken so easily. It's even more amazing how this trust thing works.
I've never wanted things to be messed up, and i'm always on the move to make things better, but somehow, i always screw up.
I used to blame things around me, i used to blame myself for thinking that i might just screw up, but something really hit me so hard this morning when i woke up.
My plan was nice, to wake up early, have a cup of coffee, then start on my revision for EST.
But when i woke up, i read a message on my phone and gosh, it hurts real bad.
I know it's not the first time that I've received such messages, and it's not the first time i'm labelled as "nonsense". But somehow, i didn't bother to fix back the already broken heart. All i did was to bury my head back onto the pillow, and go back to sleep. & when i wake up, it's already time for school, and it's again the same song on loop.
It's really so hard to enter the classroom today, when i see my classmates, i tried to force a smile, but for once, i can't seem to do it. But well, i continue trying, and slowly i felt the happiness from the accompaniment i get. But it was all short-lived. Because i know that the happiness i felt will be gone, the moment i board the train, put on my earpiece and return home, & it's really the case.
It really hurt bad, really bad. ):
But i guess, it wasn't intentional.
I don't blame her for sending such texts early in the morning, but i'm blaming myself on why is it that i can't make things nice for once. Like just for once. No matter how hard i tried, it just seems like it's never enough.
& gosh, i'm really tired.

But well, life goes on, and i just need to find that extra spark myself. Or perhaps, i should just do things the hard way by chasing myself with a stick behind me to keep moving forward.
It's not the first time that I'm in this position. Even though it sucks to feel it again, i know i can pick myself up from this, because I've done it before. In me, I trust.

"There's no strength strong enough than the strength of believing in yourself" - Me

cruise

Hello everyoneee (:
I've returned from cruise for close to 3 days already.
So here's an update on my feelings and thoughts of the cruise trip with DHLFM.
Similarly to the other overseas school trip that i went, it either make or break friendships.
In the cruise, there was a distinct segregation between the class for those involve and those who knows what is happening.
Pocketfuls of unhappiness and "bushuang-ness" actually filled up bits and parts of the 4 days journey.
But like what we always say, what happens on the ship, stays on the ship.
But having to spend 4 days so closely to your classmates really gave not only me but many of us a wonderful opportunity to learn and know more about each other.
Despite the unhappiness and "bushaung-ness" that many of us felt, i believe the trip is still an enjoyable one.
What i personally like the most from the cruise apart from the chinese food is actually those endless conversation that i had with my friends.
Its just those natural chats that are not pre-planned for a certain topic, but more of we speaking whatever things that come to our minds.
Just chatting while lying on the bed or sitting on the deck with the heavy and strong wind blowing on our faces. It was really the most memorable part of the entire journey.
I'm glad that i went for the cruise even though i might be still raging over some stuffs that happened.
But still, without these unhappiness, it would not bring my friends in the class closer to each other.
If i were to be asked if i want to travel with these friends again- in a heartbeat.

MingKang.

experiences .

I don't mind spending everyday, out on your corner in the pouring rain.
- Maroon 5, She will be loved

Its been a really hectic week, with exams and revisions.
3 papers are down and 2 more to go.
Something I've realized from my revision for the past few weeks is that the level of hard work isn't as high as what it used to be few months ago.
& I've got to admit, there was a time that i don't see a point to work hard anymore.
But still, i clenched my fist, grit my teeth and kept pushing because i can't bear to see the huge drop in my grades that i expected to happen a few weeks before the start of exams.
Determined, i started to push my own boundaries and try to give it my all for the preparations to finish off the first term well.
The journey was tough, and there was a point i thought i was not going to make it through, when all hope seem to be lost and its just me kept pushing and pushing.
Then, i realised, she wasn't having a good time either, she was also pushing.
& she always told me, i was a strong person.
So, I've decided to hit back on life ten times harder than how hard it pushed me off the cliff.
For the past month, it was really treacherous, i crashed, i tumbled, but i certainly did not crumble.
Managed to fight my way through all the pain, I realized strengths that i thought i never had.
& just like that, i managed to pull through my revisions and studied really hard without motivation, but just me pushing myself on.
& i guess my efforts does pay off. Even though revision was torturous, but the first 3 papers passed like a breeze.
I don't know what will the results be, but i guess, it will be good- at least.
Now, i'm left with 2 more battles to fight, & i guess i shall drown myself into my notes again.

MingKang!

subterfuge

"Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better."
- Henry Rollins

I guess that's what loneliness really do, doesn't it?
You're only able to be who you really are, when its late at night and nobody is looking.
That's when you allow those tears to flow.
That's when you truly admit to your feelings after having a long day of laughing, joking and smiling with your friends.
The day wasn't as painful as friendship gave me an illusion even for just 5-7 hours of me not being alone. 
& just like what the quote says, when the sun sets, you know that that's when your friends are going home, and yourself will also be going home. & the true loneliness comes back creeping, it comes back.
& it feels as though its burning you really bad.
& that's it. you're alone. the feeling of being trapped in a past that you cannot walk out of truly tears you apart.
I've been hiding it so well, so tightly, so deceiving that everyone was fooled, except for one of my friend.
He truly knows that it was a scar that never recovered. Its a scar that i hide it with all the smiles and jokes i crack.
But it had been deceiving enough that it managed to cover the truth to many's eyes, including you.
For the past week, it has been revision after revision.
Kept telling myself to study hard, and maintain the grades i got from mid-semester test.
But truthfully, things were no longer the same since week 2 of this term.
The reason on why i was studying was no longer the same.
I worked my ass off and studied like crazy, because i want to built a bright future, not for myself, but for us.
& now, everything feels like its up in the smoke.
it feels like whatever you've been working for, was utterly useless.
& at night, when i'm trying to get to sleep. those selfish thoughts, feeling that i shouldn't even be treated that way.
& yet, I can't bring myself to do anything.
& so I've became voiceless about this, because deep within, I know, no matter how sad I feel, how much I wished for things to change, it aint gonna happen again.

P.S.
Sometimes, its good that not many people come to this blog.
at least, i can remain as someone happy and carefree on the outside.

lamentation

There's this song that I've been listening on repeat for 2 days already.
Its titled Boston by Augustana, for some of you who knows this song, we got to admit its a kinda old song.
But sometimes it's songs like these, that are embedded in our memories forever.
It is a type of song that you'll come to remember the lyrics and start singing it to yourself without any reason.
Its that type of song that you didn't have to always listen to and yet, you can remember how it sounds like.
& sometimes, such songs are embedded in our memories not because of how nice it sounds like.
But the memories that plays along with it, a trace of memory that you wish can still happen again, and yet knowing it is all in the past.
So you tend to play it again and again, to just savor that moment.
For those who come to my blog often, i believed you have read the previous post.
& somewhere along the previous week, i started to doubt that post.
I even started to doubt myself.
It all started on this night when i suddenly felt like I am some superhuman to recover from such pain so quickly.
& it was then i realised am i really recovered? Or it was all just something i hope to believe in.
Humans like us tend to believe in things that we choose to believe. Very little of us would like to believe in something that we choose not to.
I choose not to believe that i'm a weak person.
I choose to believe that i'm a strong person. But am i lying to myself?
Someone said this to me last week, "You shouldn't be joking around that much because it makes you look like a fool. Because you're not a funny person."
Somehow, even though i replied by just saying everybody deserves a little bit of laughter.
But i kept pondering on what this person said.
Others tend to say that i'm funny. But why am i making people laugh when truly i know that i'm scarred, broken and vulnerable in the inside.
Why is it that i tend to keep laughing, smiling, and even talking as though nothing happened when late at night i still tend to drop a tear or two.
I've been thinking really hard, and i guess i just don't wish to show people the vulnerable side of me.
I can still remember the scene clearly, where i keep receiving messages from others asking if i'm fine, it felt that bad.
& so, to let everything stop, and everyone to feel better and not be worried about me, i've been fixing my own heart, and at the same time, building a wall around myself to not let anyone see the vulnerable side of me.
I don't want others to see me as someone weak, i don't need anyone to sympathize with me. I just want to stand on my own. I want to live my life on my own terms.
& for someone who actually care enough and sensitive enough to know that i'm no longer like the old me anymore, they would come into my life and knock these walls down to bring me out of all these pain that i'll be burying deep within me.
that's when a new chapter of my life begins.