The Unexpected.

The last 5 weeks have been a blur of shock, disbelief, uncertainty and excitement. I'll be very honest. Having another baby was about the furthest thing from what I wanted. I feel confident that my hands are full with three. I have wondered at least a million times how I will handle four. I'm scared that I often feel overwhelmed now, much less with another new baby in the mix. 

When I found out, I was at my mom's on spring break. All our other pregnancies have started out with celebration, hugs, smiles and joy. This time, I sat crying in my mom's bathroom floor as I Facetimed Kyle to break the news. I cried a lot those first few days. See, I had plans. Ideas. I 'knew' I was done and was happily moving on. Seems that God had other plans, despite our best efforts to NOT get pregnant. What a sense of humor He has. 

I know this all sounds awful. After all we've been through, I feel like I should have been grateful from the get-go at this new miracle. But, I wasn't. All I could see was my plan, my desires, shattered to pieces. This is selfish, I know. But I am human. 

It wasn't until this past Sunday, we were singing Oceans, where it talks about 'lead me where my trust is without borders.' And it hit me. Years ago, we trusted God to give us two adopted babies from Ethiopia. We were ready to go WHEREVER He lead us. Willing to move around the world if He wanted. Take in two children, regardless of their past and what trauma we might have to work through. And here I was now, fighting against what He is calling me to do, simply because it wasn't what I wanted. Talk about an eye-opening change of heart. In that moment, I asked for forgiveness and set my eyes on the gift He saw fit to give us. He will provide the finances, the patience, the rest and the love needed to guide me through this unexpected journey with at least a hint of grace. 

I'm still a bit shocked by it all, but I'm hopeful. And grateful. 

Thankfully, my mind hasn't gone to all the dark 'what-ifs' that are natural to someone who has buried a child. I have a peace in this pregnancy that I didn't have with Lucy. I'm thankful for that too. I may have moments of freaking out, but overall, things are so good now.

We appreciate your prayers for this tiny one and for this momma's heart. 

We did it!

We finished the whole30!!

I am so proud of us for sticking with it, and doing something that's fairly difficult, for the sake of our health. 

Today I can eat what I want, but truthfully, I'm a bit nervous about going back to 'regular' food.  I'm fairly certain that I will stick with whole 30 guidelines as much as possible, with the occasional splurge.  overall, I am so happy with how I feel and the weight I've lost, that I don't want to fill myself up with junk anymore. 

Our results are great! In addition to weight and inches lost, I can say that I have more energy and haven't had a single blood sugar crash since we started. I use to have them several times a week before. 

Kyle lost 11 pounds and 8.5" overall!

I lost 13 pounds and 8" overall!

Its been 3 years since I've been at this healthy of a weight, and in many of the clothes I am able to wear again. Such a great feeling!

Whole 30: Day 15!

I am so proud of us for making it to the half-way point!! We have done way better than I expected. Minimal whining and cravings. 😉

When we first started, it completely overwhelmed me to make out the menu for a whole week...all three meals each day. Too much brain power needed for that. But, I have found that it's gotten much easier, and this week as I planned for next, I also watched Downton Abbey, so I feel that proves I'm getting the hang of it. 

It's been fun trying new recipes, new foods and different flavors. I've even deceived some friends into thinking that cauliflower mash was real mashed potatoes. And they liked it!

My biggest issues with this program actually have nothing to do with the restrictions. 1. it's just so stinking expensive. 2. There is just so much time in the kitchen prepping, cooking and cleaning. But, I've gotten somewhat use to it, and Kyle has been awesome at helping with the cleanup. 

Throughout the program, you're not suppose to weigh yourself and I've stuck with that. But I did kind of cheat the other day and measure my waist. I've already lost 2"!! I'm back in some of my old clothes again, and overall feeling great. 

I am so thankful that we've had the opportunity to make these changes. I am so much more aware of what I am putting in my body and that of my kids'. I've realized how natural it is for me to run to food for comfort, and how I have to replace that with something else, be it prayer or calling a friend, talking with Kyle about what's bothering me, etc. Chocolate really doesn't love me back, so I shouldn't rely on it too much. 

Another awesome aspect of this program is how much less pain I have now. When I was first researching the whole30, I read a lot of testimonials about how people were able to cut down on their meds and various health issues were resolved. I didn't think it would apply to me much, as I don't have many 'problems'. I had just gotten use to having a painful lower back with stiffness, and for months, I had lots of pain in my right foot. I figured it was just something I'd have to live with and get over it. But, after several days, I noticed that my pain was almost completely gone! I began reading more about how our diets affect arthritis pain and such, and was blown away. By cutting out many of the foods that are often associated with inflammation in the body and arthritic pain, I feel a million times better! I never expected that going into this! What a major bonus! 

Here's to next 15 days!

Week one: DONE!

I am so proud of us for sticking to this plan for the whole week. We don't exactly have a good track record of dieting. Adkins...lasted 3 days. But, my mindset was so different then. I wanted to lose lots of weight, quick. 

Now, I am focusing on health. Part of that health is losing weight, but it's not all about that this time. 

I can't tell you how much better I already feel! Knowing that I'm making good choices is wonderful. And my clothes feel a bit better already. Kyle cheated and weighed himself today. He's already lost 6 POUNDS!! 

Overall, it's not been super easy, mainly because I feel like I'm ALWAYS in the kitchen prepping, cooking and cleaning. Not my favorite. But, the food has been good and we've tried a lot of things we never would have before. And it gives me time to focus on how blessed we are to even have access to all this great food. 

Week one, I own you. 

Whole 30: Day 1

Let's go ahead and get this out of the way. I love food. And i mean all the stuff that's not good for me. Also, I'm pretty scared to start Whole30, even though I know it's what I need. Funny how that happens a lot in life....what we need is rarely comfortable at first. 

This whole thing came about as I, of course, began thinking about the new year coming up, and being entirely fed up with my current weight and health situation, knew I had to do something!

I began researching different plans and found some good ideas, but none of it was really "doing it for me," ya know?

Well, shortly after the new year started, a friend also emailed an invite for me to join an amazing group of women and do the Jen Hatmaker study "7."

If you're not familiar, then let me just quickly tell you that it's 'an experimental mutiny against excess.' Says so right in the cover. Looking at seven areas of excess in our lives, ridding ourselves of all the unnecessary extras and focusing on Christ, making room for His Spirit as we strip away what normally consumes us. 

Kyle had gotten this book as a white elephant gift at Christmas (GASP!) Who would get rid of this amazing book?!  Anyways, I digress, but I just thought it was pretty clear that I was suppose to do this study, since it was given to me just weeks before some remarkable ladies joined up to tackle it together. 

So, last weekend, I was reading my book and trying to figure out if I wanted to only eat seven foods for a month, like the author, or some variation of the plan. I began reading more about Whole30, and the more I read, the more convinced I was. I downloaded the book "It All Starts With Food" by the creators of whole 30, and it blew my mind. I truly had no idea what the seemingly 'healthy' foods were doing to my body, and knowing that I wasn't great at even eating foods that we all assume are healthy, it rocked me. My diet is crap. I am teaching my kids to eat crap. Kyle and I have often talked that we don't want our kids to struggle with unhealthy relationships with food like we do, yet that's what we are teaching them. It is time for a change, friends!! 

For days, I poured myself into reading and researching the plan. I cleaned out cabinets and the fridge. (Granted we're not going totally crazy on the kids, so some things remained in the house, but it's all in its own "off limits" cabinet now.)

The menu plans are made and the shopping has been done. Day one is here, and while I'm nervous about it, I'm also really excited to see how it changes us, and helps us form more healthy habits. 

One thing has already been interesting to me, and it's not even the end of day one. After spending more at the grocery than normal (crap food is much cheaper than real, healthy food ya'll) I immediately felt bad because it will financially put us in a bit of a tight spot for a week or two. 

But upon getting the groceries put away and a gorgeous salad made for lunch, a feeling of guilt swept over me. Here I am, nervous about eating different foods than I'm use to, and wondering how bad I'll miss my favorite treats, when people all over the world simply wish they could get their hands on the food I just dropped too much money on. So, I overspent on us and I'm dreading to a degree how much time I'll have to spend in the kitchen this month preparing food. I kind of disgust myself. We have so much more than we need, and millions of kids a year die of starvation. What in the world?! 

So, I will say that day one has been nothing short of eye opening and a good reality check for me. 

If this is just the beginning, I am PSYCHED to see what God's going to do with the rest!

Carrying Elijah: the transformative journey of loving and losing my son

Just over three years ago, my world was flipped upside down. My husband and I were expecting our third child, dreaming of filling up our small house with giggles and the beautiful chaos that accompanies three small children under the age of five.  At 18 weeks gestation, however, highly abnormal test results indicated that there was a problem with our baby. We found ourselves at St.. Vincent's Hospital in Indianapolis, having a specialized ultrasound just two days before Thanksgiving 2011. We suspected Downs Syndrome, but the scan showed a much worse diagnosis. Our son did not develop kidneys. He would not be able to live outside of my womb. The devastation and grief that overtook us was almost paralyzing.

The journey of carrying my son Elijah lasted another 14 weeks after the diagnosis. And it was during this time that God showed up. In big ways. In small ways. In everyday activities. In the love of His people. 

From day one, we were surrounded; carried by the Lord and His Church. There were days when getting out of bed seemed an insurmountable feat. There were days that the tears hardly stopped flowing. But the magnitude of our pain was met with fierce love.

A dear friend, who at the time was really more of an acquaintance, brought us dinner every Monday. She wanted to have the tangible reminder weekly to pray for us and love on us. Friends, family and our church family called, sent flowers, prayed for us and over us, and watched our children at a moments notice when we just needed time to be alone and process. Their actions reminded us numerous times a day that we were not alone on this journey.

In all honesty, though the time was  heartbreaking, I am so thankful for it. I would never trade the moments I had carrying Elijah. I would never trade the palpable presence of God that covered us during those dark months. I would never trade who I am now for who I was before. 

Elijah's tiny life has had a ripple effect we could have never comprehended. By fully trusting God, we hopefully allowed His work to be done. I pulled an excerpt from my blog that captures a portion of the intense change that happened in our lives over the course of those few months. A change that is still in motion in our lives. 

            

                                                                November 30, 2011

"It's been interesting to ride the wave of emotions that have come to us over the last week.  Some of them I expected, some I never saw coming.  The most unusual thing I've experienced this week is something I couldn't even grasp, because it didn't seem to fit. I had to grapple with it for a couple of days before even mentioning it to Kyle. And, I mentioned it to my small group tonight, and even hearing myself try to wade through it, it didn't seem to come out right.  But, oddly enough, I feel excitement.  Please don't get me wrong...there is nothing exciting about what we are going through.  I don't get excited when I break down in my husband's or best friend's arms.  I don't get excited when my kids see me weeping and sweetly try to comfort me.  There is nothing exciting about looking through sewing patterns of outfits to choose the one I will eventually bury my child in.  The ONLY thing that I know is exciting is that God always works for good in the lives of His people....and I know that He is going to use this situation....our lives, our baby's life....some aspect of our earthly nightmare to further His kingdom.  We may never know what impact this little life will have on others, but God knows.  We are told in scripture that the Lord knows all our days, before there are any.  That means, that while we were blindsided by this situation, He wasn't.  He knew what we would endure before we were even born.  He has a plan, and only He can give this sense of peace, comfort and oddly enough, excitement, in a season of uncertainty and pain."

All praise to the One who is able to do this! 

Elijah's earthly journey ended in the early hours of a blustery Leap Day morning. In that quiet hospital room, with my husband and best friend, Elijah was fiercely loved in his 73 minutes with us. He was dedicated over the phone by Pastor Steve Deneff, who was out of state, and in person by Pastor Judy Crossman. We would later learn that at the same moment Elijah left us, Pastor Steve was prompted to again consecrate our baby to the Lord. What a beautiful welcome home he must have received!

I sit now, rocking my 6 month old daughter, a surprise blessing from God. I listen to her tiny breaths, and daily thank God for His continued faithfulness in all the seen and unseen moments of my life. I praise Him for never leaving my side, in the sorrow and in the joy. I praise Him for real, authentic friends who so beautifully do life with us at College Wesleyan Church. And I praise Him for His relentless love, a small taste of which I get to lavish on my children, the ones I can hold in my arms here, and my Elijah, whom I will always hold in my heart. 

Bathroom Redo!

Over the last two weeks, I've been working on our downstairs bathroom. One of the last rooms left to do (upstairs bathroom is next. Man room is under Kyle's jurisdiction.)

So, I've got some before and after pics below. Kyle says it's probably the best room redo I've done. :) We all love it. 

Before: could they have possibly had more brown wood in this house?!

After: open and bright. Beach theme

Before

After

Oh wait...they could put more brown in the house. Gotta make sure there was paneling in pretty much every room. 

After: Ahhh... Bye bye brown.  I covered the small countertop with contact paper for a pop of color. 

I did sand  footprints of each kid and hung them up above the sink area. 

Back of the door. Love this hook

I laid new flooring (now matches kitchen and mudroom) and put down new baseboards. 

Absolutely thrilled with how it all turned out!