A wave of Blue!

If you are a member of the DOC you will notice an unfortunate scene today, blue candles. Five separate families this week have had to deal with the worse possible situation, losing a loved one to T1!. ! 28 yo mother of two, a 25 year old, 16 year olf, a 9 year old and a misdiagnosed 18 month old baby. This is the fear that is in the back of the mind of many of those affected with diabetes.

It's really hard to wrap your mind around the idea that a horrible disease just took them away from everyone that cared for them. While at the same time, we are here fighting the good fight against D and I pray and rejoice every day we are here fighting. It doesn't make it any easier when word of another T1 death spreads. I feel for these families, and my heart breaks for them. I hate D more and more if that is even possible when this happens. But it also makes me want to hold my boy that much more tighter, and soak in all the time I possibly can with him.

These people and children along with many others are an example of why it is so very important to find a cure now! Not tomorrow, not next year, not in the next 10 years, but NOW! It's hard enough for me to sleep at night just with constant worry that something will happen when I'm sleeping and not checking. But at the same time I battle the thought of "Over worrying" about him and what's going on with D. Besides his childhood has been interrupted with D as it is, I want him to be a kid for as long as possible. He already carries a burden on his shoulders that none of us will ever understand. He will eventually have to carry this burden and manage the monster on his own, but for right now I want to make it just a little bit lighter.

So for now, I will continue to pray for a cure harder then I have before, and will hold my boy that much more tighter. My thoughts and prayers go out to these families during this difficult time. And D if you're listening which I know you are, you're always around, Fuck off!

Temporary Home

Ever listen to the Carrie Underwood song, "Temporary Home"? It's sweet, cute and sad all rolled up in one. Each time I listen to it, a few different things and how it all relates to me and my life, come to mind. I'm only 28 years old ( omg yes I know I just threw my age out there.....) but in some ways I feel much older and much younger at the same time. I've had life experience for the most part I wish I didn't have to have at such a young age. But we all make mistakes, and we have to learn and move on from those mistakes. The one thing that is a constant that I would never change in my life are my children, (all of them). No matter the mistakes I made in the past it led me to have them be apart of my life, and to me that is priceless.

This song to me relates on a few different levels, the chorus states

"This is my temporary home
It's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through
This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know this is my
Temporary Home."


In my life previous to this all, I never felt as if I was at "home". I never felt comfortable like it was my home. Even though my things were there, and my children and I lived there, to me on the inside it never felt like home. I just never felt as if we belonged there. This part of the song hits home with me because now for once I feel as if I belong, I feel as if I'm finally "home". Things may be tough, but somehow I manage to keep an optimistic outlook on everything. I know deep down things will get better eventually, and until then we are just along for the ride so we should at least enjoy it.

I've also never had the pleasure of looking at someone and knowing I love them with my whole heart, (other then my children of course, from the moment they came into my life I knew I would do anything for them, it is a whole different love). But I've never truly looked at another person and just felt safe, wanted, and more importantly that I belonged. This may seem a little corny, but to me it is very real. I think this feeling is one of the best feelings in the world that everyone should have a chance to experience. It comes on at different times. For example and this may seem funny to some. We were watching a few episodes of Season 7 of the Office on Hulu this past week, just laying there on the bed watching it. During one of their little commercials , which btw I've gotten spoiled with Netflix and no commercials, but anyways during one of their commercials, I don't remember what Chad said exactly or if I said something who knows, he's always picking on me. But after it was said and we laughed he looked over at me and I just glanced back at him and again corny, but that was one of those "moments". We weren't doing anything special, we weren't professing our love for one another, etc. He just looked at me, and I just felt like it was right. That I could look at him forever, (plus he's very easy on the eyes ;) ). But that moment was very special to me and something I will always remember, and well now he will know just how corny I truly am deep down...... Oh well Cat's out of the bag.

Another aspect of my life this song really hits home is with Clifford's diabetes. I more then anything would like to see a cure for this disease during his lifetime. And hopefully soon enough he can at least enjoy his life without D. So sorry to say D but with you it's just our temporary home. We want you to leave as quick as you came into our lives. We would like nothing more then to get a divorce from you and never hear from you again!

Maybe I'm more sentimental today because it's the 2nd anniversary of my Grandma passing. I miss her more then anything, but what I think I miss the most is the time I lost with Grandma because of one of those "mistakes" I made. I miss the time my kids could have spent with her getting to know her. I miss that she wasn't around for the twins to be born. I miss all the big get togethers with Grandma and Grandpa when we were all younger. I just really am missing her today. But in all I'm managing to keep it together, and I think it's because my kids are here and I know I have someone that if I just want to cry or need a hug for no reason will understand and be there for me.

A smooth night.

Last night was one of those nights where I decided to listen to the docs and not do the overnight checks. In the past this has come back to bite me in the hiney, however last night proved good. Clifford did wake up around 3:45 saying he was dizzy. He was sitting at 91, which is quite a beautiful number. He was however a bit snippy and upset with me when I said for him to go back to sleep. He felt that he would drop lower and to him me not treating the 91 was not sitting well at all.

Honestly it was a decision I battled in my head before telling him to go back to sleep. I took into account it was almost 4am and around 4 and 5am he spikes up a bit thanks to our good friend the dawn phenomenon. I didn't want to risk treating the 91, and him spiking then he wakes up extremely high. We've been battling highs the last few days for what seemed like no reason. I figured he may be getting sick or going through another growth spurt. Bedtime rolled around last night and he was 102! (Phew, a sigh of relief) after two days of 250+ highs, with no normal numbers in site, this was great to see.

I decided to check on him to make sure I made the correct decision with sending him back to sleep, without treating. An hour and a half later he's sitting at 116. Which you can see he spiked from 91 to 116!. This gives me hope he will wake up with a nice number here in the next hour. However as we all know that is just hope, and no one knows what D has in plan for us. I can only ask that after battling highs and a crabby boy for no reason that D lays off and lets him enjoy his dad at school.

That kind of Morning!

An all too familiar scene played itself out overnight and this morning. Hayleigh went to bed, a few minutes later she was thirsty. Then she woke up in the middle of the night crying out after checking on her she said she was really thirsty. She got some water and was back to sleep. She was the first to wake up this morning and no good morning Mommy, no Hi Mommy like usual, just "Can I have some juice", she was thirsty AGAIN!!! Well because if you are a T1 parent you know where my mind went, and yes, I got her juice, and got the meter ready. Set the lancer to the lowest possible setting because she has the tiniest fingers, and asked her if I could check her. She see's Cliffy do this multiple times a day and previously used to ask to be tested. I told her it was just a little poke but it might hurt a little bit. She is a very tough 2 almost 3 year old and still let me.

Now our meter only takes around 4 seconds from the first beep to the beeps when the number appears but my heart was thumping away like crazy. I wanted to close my eyes tightly and not open them to see the number. The kinda feeling you had as a kid to a scary movie, hide your eyes behind your hands and slowly peek out thinking you won't be as scared. Well when it beeped, I gathered up enough courage and looked at the number to see a beautiful 83!!! And this about 15 minutes AFTER having juicy juice, after having those 15 grams of fast acting carbs!! BEAUTIFUL! No other words it was a very nice site to see.

Once D enters your life, and more unfortunately enters your child's body, it causes you to become a bit paranoid. Paranoid that maybe the next flu is going to destroy your little girls body the way it did your sons, or that too much thirst is something other then just being thirsty. The girls did have the TrialNet study done and both tested negative, which put my mind at ease a bit, more so then it was before. But Hayleigh's thirst overnight and this morning brought the concern back into play. Thankfully we can test her and get an answer here and now! I only wish sometimes that Clifford was just as lucky and we were more educated on recognizing the symptoms before they did as much damage as they did. This is why it is very important to understand just want some of the symptoms of Type 1 diabetes are. It may make the difference of life or death. When Clifford was diagnosed last February he was admitted in DKA. The doctor explained he was very sick, but would come around. His body laid their helpless on the bed, he didn't respond to anything, he looked as if he was in a deep sleep. I did my best not to cry, but my boy couldn't hear me and just touching his head and pushing back his hair while he laid there helpless sent the tears flowing. Take a moment and educate yourselves with the symptoms of Type 1 if you are not already familiar with them. And educate others, it could save a life.

Type 1 diabetes signs and symptoms can come on quickly and may include:

• Increased thirst and frequent urination. As excess sugar builds up in your bloodstream, fluid is pulled from your tissues. This may leave you thirsty. As a result, you may drink — and urinate — more than usual.
• Extreme hunger. Without enough insulin to move sugar into your cells, your muscles and organs become depleted of energy. This triggers intense hunger that may persist even after you eat. Without insulin, the sugar in your food never reaches your energy-starved tissues.
• Weight loss. Despite eating more than usual to relieve hunger, you may lose weight — sometimes rapidly. Without the energy sugar supplies, your muscle tissues and fat stores may simply shrink.
• Fatigue. If your cells are deprived of sugar, you may become tired and irritable.
• Blurred vision. If your blood sugar level is too high, fluid may be pulled from your tissues — including the lenses of your eyes. This may affect your ability to focus clearly.

When to see a doctor
Consult your doctor if you're concerned about diabetes or if you notice any type 1 diabetes signs and symptoms.

It's a Snug kinda day

Snow day!! Yes I repeat Snow day!! That is in the words of a very excited 7 year old boy! This is his first time in school that his school has closed. He was thrilled beyond belief and let out a huge YES!!! With a jump and a clap when I let him listen to the cancellation message on the phone.

After the excitement wore off we decided we would move from my cozy bedroom to the living room so they could watch Narnia on the big television. I think he's more excited over the fact that he's grounded but I let him out to watch a movie with his sisters because he was being good. I can remember vaguely the excitement of a snow day from school! It was only about oh 21 years ago that I was in 1st grade like cliffy :O........ (Ssssssh don't tell)..

The twins have even decided it's not worth it waking up. They both slept through the night AGAIN (third day in a row), this meant at 12 I only woke briefly to my alarm to check Cliffy's BS, back in bed by 12:03, (we were sitting at 247). Babies woke me at 3:30, off to check Cliffy (Down to 181!!), fed both back in bed by 4:40.... Poor Chad had to go out in this mess at 5:30 before they really touched the roads so I can imagine they were horrible.... I reset the alarm to sleep in a little later but woke up at 7 to Abby, told her to lay down by me and snuggle with the heater going it seemed like a nice cozy fireplace. That only lasted for 10 mins when the twins awoke again. Decided it was that lazy type of morning, Hayleigh woke up this time and they snuggled in bed to watch Narnia. I figured Cliffy wouldn't want to miss this so woke him up to watch as well!!. After the twins feeding they were out COLD!. They decided it was too crappy out to bother waking up right now... Gives me time to enjoy a cup of hot tea.

D was being an ass this morning and decided to rear it's ugly head with the dawn phenomenon, because our waking number was 347!!! *tisk tisk , shame on you D, don't you know it's a SNOW DAY!!!* In all the day has started good. We gave D a good talking to, and said it better stay in check the rest of the day!! Because after lunch we are going and jumping in the new snow and making all sorts of mess!

A quiet week....

In D land that is. D has decided to keep it's ugly head at bay at least for the most part. Yeah we've had a few highs, no lows *knock on wood* but for the most part I've been satisfied with the way D has been acting. Even through basketball practice D made sure to be good. The only update in our D land is that we are currently in the process of getting Cliffy on a CGM. This will be good for both of us, and will help ease my mind a bit with his overnight testing.

We have had many big events that haven't involved D at all. The twins are growing like weeds, Maggie actually started talking this last weekend. More of making little baby noises, but over and over gabbing away to her zebra that hangs from her play gym. She actually laughed twice yesterday too, so that is yet another big event. Annie is more concentrated on rolling over, she coos, but basically only to get your attention or her sister's attention. She also flips out when Maggie is laying beside her only because Maggie will not leave her alone. She is constantly trying to pull her clothes or her ears. Hayleigh will be going to preschool here sometime after she turns 3 in April, and Abby may go until Sept when she starts Kindergarten!!!. Not sure what I will do with myself when there are 2.5 hours during the day that I only have the twins.....

In all the week has been quiet, and those are the types of weeks/ days that I like. Can't complain, my kids are healthy, and happy, and I'm very happy myself, that is all that matters to me.

How long will I live???

The other day Clifford looks at me with tears in his eyes and says "Mommy you know why I'm sad". So I ask him why to which he responds "Because I know I won't live till I'm 100". Apparently he was talking to his cousin awhile back and he said something along the lines of "Well I'll be able to beat you up when I'm 100!". And his cousin replied "You won't be alive when your 100."

Well Clifford knows there are possible complications with his diabetes, because we have to stay on him to make healthier eating choices, and not to sneak into things that can hurt his blood sugar numbers. He took this as he will not live to 100 because he is diabetic. After a short sit down with Chad and I, he is now convinced he is going to outlive the oldest person in the world, he said he was shooting for 190! But will be happy with 117. We both explained to him how much more advanced the treatment of T1 is now adays then it was a long time ago, and there are many T1 (insulin dependent) diabetics that live a long healthy life, and outlive some of those who do not have diabetes. We just made sure to comment on the importance of keeping his numbers in range to help prevent complications that can arise. He is a smart kid, sometimes too smart for his age. He is apparently now living to 117, is going to be a doctor and is buying me this $200,000 house with his first years salary as a doctor :)... Nothing but tons of good times to look forward to.

The point of no return

Diabetes wears on everyone involved, the amount of care required to stay within range is tremendous. It's been awhile since I reached the point of no return, that point where you are more then tired and really are not sure if you are awake or dreaming. But my lack of blog posting yesterday is proof I reached it.

The day prior my morning started at 3am with a blood sugar check, then feeding Annie. Once Annie was out, Maggie woke up, so it was feeding time for her. When it was all said and done it was 5:30 am and really what is the point in going to sleep when I'd be back up at 6 anyways to start my normal routine, so I stayed up.

Throughout the day I slammed caffeine in me left and right which actually seemed to work all day until around 9pm when I really felt like I couldn't function anymore. By 9:30-10pm we were in bed for the night, (Which really in my world usually means 2 hours) but hey 2 hours seemed like an eternity at this point to me. Maggie decided to wake up at 10:30 refusing to go to sleep. When she finally decided it was time for bed it was just a little after 12, which meant a blood sugar check for Cliffy. After completing this task I managed to have my head hitting the pillow at 12:15. Only to be woken up at 1:30 by Cliffy because he felt dizzy.

It's really hard for him now as he's becoming unable to feel the lows, but is feeling his highs as if they were lows. At this test it showed he was just shy of 400. But he was thirsty because one of the side effects to being that high is you feel very thirsty. After getting him his water and tucked back in it was almost 2am, but I was beat. However at just before 3am, both babies decided to wake up for a feeding, which was just in time for me to test Cliffy so it seemed okay.

It was however till I was finished feeding them waiting for them to go to sleep that I just couldn't function much anymore. I was to the point of exhaustion where I just wanted to cry. Thankfully it didn't take long for the babies to go back to sleep and I was back in bed by 4am and slept till 6. Which honestly those 2 hours straight definitely made a difference. That added in with some much needed caffeine. I managed to make it through my day not so tired. And even though last night it was again a scheduled 12 and 3am check. I managed to get some much needed rest. In bed by 9pm slept till the alarm went off at 12, then back in bed right away we were steady and not too high. I slept again till 3 when my alarm went off again, this time both babies were hungry but at this point I had 6 hours of broken sleep in me and that is much more then I've seen in a LONG time. I managed to get back to sleep by 4:30 and slept till 7:15 in time to wake Cliffy up for school. Now today I'm definitely feeling refreshed. It's actually a weird feeling to feel awake and not the caffeine induced awake as usual.

My point for this huge rant and a peek into my nights after everyone is in bed is the fact that Diabetes never sleeps, it never takes a break. It throws a wrench into everything possible it can. It is found everywhere in a D home. To make light of the situation and show you just what I mean by everywhere an example is this. You find testing strips all over the place. I find them when sweeping the living and kitchen floors. I find them on the floor by cliffy's nightstand after overnight tests, I find them in his backpack from school, in my pocket of my robe I use to put all his supplies including a juice box just in case when testing overnight. And just this morning I found them in the lint filter when cleaning it out to dry some laundry. It might not seem funny to most but to me it was hilarious and the final straw that it is in fact EVERYWHERE! At least it allowed me to get a good giggle out of it.

Perfect Decisions.....

Everyone has a time when they second guess themselves and the decisions they are making. Sometimes it is as simple as making the decision on what to wear for the day. However in D life, the decisions are vital to the health and well being of our children.

Usually I'm pretty good at holding a steady head and not second guessing the decisions I'm making regarding D. Until once in a blue moon, someone who really has no idea what it's like to live with a child who has D day in and out decides to open their mouth. It's one thing to say "oh why did you do this", and it's another to question ever single move I make in regards to D. Especially when there is nothing I'd wish more then for my boy to be rid of D and have a healthy, normal childhood. And especially when D takes over my mind 24/7/365. I don't even get a break from D when I am sleeping, (those special occasions that I do). The best way to put it is, I really don't like second guessing myself when it comes to D.

However, in that brief moment of second guessing it is reassuring to have others who know you and what you are doing tell you, you made the right decision, and D is definitely not always black or white. It's also reassuring to have someone stand by your decisions and know you are doing whatever it takes to make sure Cliffy is cared for properly. It is also a nice pat on the back when the health care team responsible for your child lets you know, you did exactly what they would have done given the circumstances.

The point of this post is mainly a vent, and a "How dare you", at those who question. I make sure to provide the best care possible for Cliffy when it comes to D. D gives me a headache daily, makes me want to pull my hair out, and I curse D under my breath all the time! But I make sure to do what needs to be done to ensure the safety and health of my child. If there was a way I could switch places with him, I would in a heartbeat. But unfortunately life is not a fairytale, and a magic wand can't be waved for my wishes. If it was we definitely wouldn't be close with D as we are now!

Sleep?!? What is it exactly?

Sleep is something many people take for granted. It has been said by many doctors and researchers that adults typically need between 7-9 hrs of sleep a night. (This number makes me giggle ). I really haven't slept that long in over 9 years. But now add in a set of 3 month old twins and a diabetic son, and tell me when the next time will be I can partake in my 7-9 hour stretch at night???

And honestly it doesn't bother me too much. I've become accustomed to functioning on 2-3 hrs of sleep. So if I manage one night to get a wee bit more, I'm golden. Last night was a good example on exactly how much sleep I need to function fully and feel awake. Yup I said it I feel awake!! When I first opened my eyes at 6:30 that was definitely not the case, but after a cup of coffee and now a cup of tea, we are in business.

For many of you, your day may come to an end as soon as your head hits your pillow at night. In my case I feel like my day never really ends, that its just one big stretched out process where the days magically seem to change. I laid down to go to sleep at 10pm, after sometime when my brain was just too tired to work, I fell asleep, only to be awoken by the midnight alarm letting me know it was time to go test Cliffy. My next alarm was set to go off at 3am, but Clifford woke up feeling dizzy at 1am, and after a day of doing nothing but dropping to lows, I jumped out of bed to check him. The meter beeps and shows a 495!!! *insert many curse words here, that went through my head*. I sent him back up to bed, but thankfully by this time by brain was functioning once more and I made the decision to give a correction dose of insulin. I wasn't going to "let him ride" on the wave of a dangerous high level. Injection given and I once again start to think about this so called "sleep" that has become foreign to me. But it's going to have to wait as Maggie woke up. And a short while later when I just got Maggie down Annie awoke. I guess you can say they had pretty good timing and didn't wait till 10 mins into my sleep to wake up. From 1am-3am it was twin feeding, rocking time, along with a few episodes of Desperate Housewives (got to love Netflix). At 3am was when my next alarm was set to go off, so I just turned it off and went to test him. We were still sitting at over 400! Even 2 hours after a correction dose.

At around 5am Chad's alarm went off for work, and he knew I had wanted to check Cliffy so he got me up. I really only remember mumbling to him how I didn't want to move and my eyeballs were burning. I walked upstairs in my zombie like state, tested and we had dropped to 367, I suppose this was a better evil then the over 400! I went right back to bed and don't remember actually remember walking back to the bed. All I know is I awoke at 6:30 to feed the twins and start my day.

Now maybe one day I may get to partake in the thing we call sleep. But honestly until a cure is found I highly doubt I'll be seeing it anytime soon.

D is one Ninja I hate!

Starting tonight's post off with something that I've been secretly saying to myself all day and I think it's about time to get it out. I F**king hate you D! Whew there that feels a little better. D and I are anything but friends but it seemed like the last week and a half we had at least been being civil for the kid (Cliffy). Well D today decided to to be it's normal assy self and throw Cliffy and I on a roller coaster of blood sugars. It all started at 2am with a low of 66, we treated and brought back up. I double checked him again at 5am and he was 123 (*whew*). 7:30 rolls around just before breakfast time I hear "mommy I'm dizzy". Well let's check, the meter beeps and we are 95!! And at the time I'm measuring the carbs for the cereal so we are good to go. Not even 10 mins later when I'm getting the last of breakfast out, I hear "Mommy I'm dizzy". I go upstairs to find him sitting down, this time it was slightly different he was shaking, meter in hand I checked and after the beep 35!!! I held his lil hand all the way down the stairs, held it when I was pouring the juice, just to make sure he wouldn't fall.

We finally got back up in range,126! Not too long after I go to check on him, he's laying down in his room on the floor. Well might be normal for some but the sight of him laying there sent me into heart attack mode briefly. He was fine, just bored. Thank god I say to myself, because with all the lows, the site of him laying there on the floor well it's just say very scary. This time when I check he's 52! Another drastic drop in just a short amount of time. Once we get back in range again, lunch time rolls around with a 160 (score 1 for us), an hour after lunch we're sitting pretty at 152! 10 mins later I hear the oh so common phrase of the day "Mommy I'm dizzy". *sigh* Meter beeps we are sitting pretty at 116. A short while later I hear yup you guessed it the phrase of the day. He is 88! Normally 88 is within range but at this time we are still an hour out from snack, so I say screw it and treat him just as I would a normal low, Juice and crackers. I believe this was the point in my day I was really contemplating some wine tonight....

To save from a 10 page posting I will shorten the rest of the day to this, I went through a 64 oz bottle of Juicy Juice all with Clifford today! We had many, many, many lows, the lowest being our 35 to start our day! I made the decision to give extra protein at dinner in hopes that would help, however D is being a huge pain in the ass and decided to throw a wrench in that plan by dropping him to 68 just a little while ago. This leaves Mommy to do some tweaking with decreasing doses tonight, and multiple checks throughout the night to ensure we are not dropping. This also means that caffeine in large, historic doses will be needed tomorrow to function.

You may start to question the Ninja graphic at the start of my post. Well I think D is in most ways like a ninja, it lurks in the shadows making you think everything is going smoothly, then *WAM, Karate Chop(as Chad would put it)* It knocks you on your ass and turns you into putty in it's controlling hands. D is silent, and sneaks around reeking havoc on those it encounters. And the most unfortunate thing about D is that it is deadly! Normally I'm a huge fan of ninjas, to me their awesome. However this is one ninja I'd like to see it's ass get royally handed to them.

The only positive things I take away from D's havoc filled day is I will be tucking my little boy in tonight, knowing we battled the monster another day. And I made it through yet another day battling D with my sanity and all my hair......

I'm a carb, your a carb, everythings a carb!

Today was a more positive day in D land. Cliffy was chosen as an Ambassador for The Diabetes Dude! If you haven't heard of him yet, his name is Noah, and he's a great kid that is doing wonderful things to raise awareness for diabetes. Have a look at his site here: http://www.thediabetesdude.com/ and also take a moment to vote for Noah here: http://www.dlife.com/diabetes/information/community/dlife_awards/dlife_top10.html.

Cliffy and I are both very excited that he was chosen. It was a good day in our D land. After experiencing quite a few lows today from tons of playing and running, we couldn't have gotten better news! So for now we are on top of the world. The only downside was dinnertime when I just for one second wanted it to not be such a hassle. Gone are the days of just tossing something in the oven without concern of how much sugar or carbs are in it, or if there is enough protein. Now instead of carefree cooking and eating, we partake in counting carbs, weighing or measuring out the exact serving size so it's exactly the number of carbs listed on the box. For once I would like the word "CARB" to be erased out of my vocabulary. I think I know so much about carbs that I am beginning to turn into a carb.......

So I end my post tonight with a silly poem about carbs.

What is a carb, can you tell me?
A carb is what gives mommy a headache you see.
She counts them all day, and dreams about them at night.
We have to take on Carbs in our D fight.
For one day I wish the word carb would just go away.
Besides, isn't about time that carbs took a holiday.

How a missing piece was found...

The most common phrase you will hear as a teenager or probably have heard is "your too young, your not in love". While that may hold true for some, others it's not. At 14 years old I found myself feeling endless butterflies, and flip flops in my stomach the moment he glanced my way. When he held my hand it felt as if my heart was about to explode out of my chest. And even when he beemed a wiffle ball at me while we were playing baseball, my heart skipped a beat. A moment shortly after as we laid back, where I can't remember fully where we were, but what I do remember is laying there staring into his eyes and feeling like I could look at them forever. Girls always remember their first kiss, but how many can say it was with the one they would want to spend the rest of their lives with? I was in fact 14, a teenager, it couldn't possibly be love but infatuation, right?

As high school moved on, those feelings did nothing but get a little stronger, instead of my heart exploding, I felt like I was going into full cardiac arrest when he paid any sort of attention to me. I remember one night sneaking out to attend a party for him at Adam's (sssh, mom didn't know about this then but will now!). We weren't dating at the time and he was actually with someone else. But we were friends and the chance to get to see him well I'd jump at that no matter what. I can look back and think one of the best days had to be when he decided he was going to be our statistician for volleyball. We weren't exactly "together" at this time but that didn't matter to me, to me it meant I got to see him more. Volleyball was my life at this time, and I can probably contribute some of my success with it to the fact that I was attempting to show off for him.


When I moved at the end of my junior year it felt like that heart that was so eager to jump out of my chest had just died. Part of me was missing, I felt empty, and nothing seemed to fill this void. Even though we tried the distance between us, as teenagers was to hard to battle with. I got to attend my senior prom back at my old high school, I looked forward to it for many reasons. I got to see my old friends again, got to visit everyone, but most importantly I knew HE would be there. I was beyond nervous, but the moment I saw him, something just felt right. My heart felt a little less empty.I couldn't take my eyes off of him that night. Hopefully I did a good job at hiding that part :D. It may have been rude at the time, but I spent more time dancing with him that night then I did my actual date to the prom. I missed him more then anything and wanted nothing more then to talk with him forever. But sadly like all good things that night had to come to an end. The last time I saw him was the day after prom, he picked me up at the motel and we went somewhere briefly (again I can't remember exactly where), all that mattered to me was it was with him. I was now 18, but I knew my heart would never be the same.

Now if they say "It's not love"... I would beg to differ. And even though I moved forward on the outside, on the inside my heart was never the same. I spent the majority of my adult life, wondering what he was doing, how he was and asking myself if he was happy. I wanted nothing more then to run into him somewhere, just to get another glance at him and know he was okay.
While I wouldn't change anything in my past because the outcome of it was 3 beautiful children I would do anything for and love dearly, part of me always wondered "what if"....

The happy ending to my story is I don't have to wonder "what if" anymore. The icing on the cake was when I found out he actually felt the same way about me. I no longer felt like a creepy stalker, looking him up online every chance I got just to make sure he was doing okay and that he was happy.

The best part of it all was my heart, that always felt like something was missing, was now whole once again. They say you have a soul mate out there, a one true love. Before I would have laughed and said it's not possible. But now I know it is true, and that you will know who this person is because your heart will feel as if something is missing if they are not in your life. To me my definition of a soul mate, and true love is someone you can see yourself growing old with, someone who makes you laugh, someone who understands your wacky sense of humor, someone you would do anything for, someone who makes your life that much better to be living, your best friend, and most importantly someone that completes your heart!

I missed him more then anything in the world, but now with him it feels like the sunshine is that more brighter. I can picture us old, still making pervy comments to one another, still fighting with the grandkids to play their video games, and still 100% totally head over heels for one another.

Back to Reality!

Lately it seems that I have been doing an okay job at being Clifford's pancreas. His numbers have been within range mainly around 80-160s for a week and a half, with only 1 or two highs. Last night comes around and the meter beeps 316 at the check before his bedtime snack .... *Facepalm* smacked back to reality.

Although I know deep down he has Type 1 diabetes and it will never go away and we will always be fighting this monster. There are times like this last week and a half that I sometimes drift into dreamland and think for once, oh maybe his body corrected himself.. Reality is, no it will not he has from here on out a non functioning pancreas. He has been declared out of the honeymoon stage which is bittersweet. Sad because that means basically his pancreas if fully dead. He still had 20% usage left when he was diagnosed. The only positive (we have to find positives somewhere when dealing with D), is that getting out of the honeymoon stage means we can move forward in our battle with D. Forward to getting on an insulin pump, which will give us some better control of Cliffy's blood sugar.

Now seeing as we had a 316 at bedtime, that meant a higher dose of insulin to cover the carbs for our bedtime snack. This also meant more frequent nighttime checks to make sure he wasn't dropping too fast. Multiple checks last night showed a steady number range at 96, 102, 108, and 97! Then at wake up... *Drum roll please* 109!!!! So F! off briefly Diabetes we managed to keep you at bay for the night and morning! But as we all know D is a mean bastard and will battle us just as hard for the rest of the day.

Here's to good numbers for you all in D land! And for hope that you all can at least get 2 hours of sleep in one stretch without the worry of D!

And I'm sure I speak on behalf of a lot of you when I say Duck Fiabetes!!! (just the other way around...... ;) )

A step back in awareness.......

The Ricki Lake slip of the tongue mistake might not seem like a big deal to a lot of people. But to the Type 1 community it was a HUGE step back in awareness. We already deal with all the time the misconceptions between T1 and T2 diabetes. And now when a celebrity goes on TV and makes a slip of the tongue mistake it adds to these misconceptions. A small mistake such as this can lead to ignorance among the public.

No Clifford did not consume sugar daily, no he was not overweight, no his diet didn't consist of sweet after sweet after sweet. More importantly HE DID NOT BRING IT ON HIMSELF, and I DID NOT CAUSE IT!! Type 1 diabetes is an autoimmune disorder, his body attacked his pancreas. For a brief lesson on Type 1 diabetes:

Type 1 diabetes occurs when the body's immune system attacks and destroys certain cells in the pancreas, an organ about the size of a hand that is located behind the lower part of the stomach. These cells -- called beta cells -- are contained, along with other types of cells, within small islands of endocrine cells called the pancreatic islets. Beta cells normally produce insulin, a hormone that helps the body move the glucose contained in food into cells throughout the body, which use it for energy. But when the beta cells are destroyed, no insulin can be produced, and the glucose stays in the blood instead, where it can cause serious damage to all the organ systems of the body.

For this reason, people with type 1 diabetes must take insulin in order to stay alive. This means undergoing multiple injections daily, or having insulin delivered through an insulin pump, and testing their blood sugar by pricking their fingers for blood six or more times a day.....

Our typical day usually includes 6 daily injections in his arms, legs, and even belly. 10-12+ finger pokes to get blood to test his blood sugar. This includes testing at school, shots before lunch and snack while at school. And multiple tests made throughout the night. I live my life in 2-3 hour increments daily. I sleep in 2-3 hr stretches, and his meals must be between 2-3 hours apart so he can get his insulin on time. Carbohydrates must be counted with each and every meal. He must have blood work done at least every 3 months so we can get our "Good Mommy Report Card", or our A1c number.. ..

Imagine you son or daughter get's the flu... No big deal right, he / she is getting sick not keeping anything down... Well give her some water make sure that she stays hydrated let her sleep it off and she'll be fine.... Not in our case. The flu can be deadly. If he is not keeping food down, he still needs insulin. If he doesn't have the carbs in him to cover the insulin all he is going to do is drop lower, and lower, and lower. And unfortunately I have seen first hand what exactly a low blood sugar drop can do. He has been through a seizure caused by hypoglycemia, and passed out and bumped his head from hypoglycemia.

It is not that difficult to go and do a few brief minutes of research on something you are going to speak to millions on. Get it right, or don't talk about it at all.

Now GMA refuses to return the calls of people in the T1 community wanting to ask if they are going to correct her mistake on TV. Apparently they think just sweeping us under the rug will shut us up. Nope sorry not going to happen.

How do you do it???

Honestly I'm just about to the point of being tired of hearing this question. Not because it's rude by any means but seriously???? Well let's put it out there as blatently honest as it can be. If I don't do it my son will die, my twins and girls will never get fed, a few of them will sit in their own filth, and just be really stinky. What other choice do I have?

I have to prick my sons fingers 8-10+ times a day, and inject him 5-6 times a day. I have to feed the twins roughly 6-7 times a day, so let's multiply that number by 2 ... Yup that's a total of 12-14 feedings in roughly 24 hrs. Not to mention at least 7-8 butt changes for just the babies during the day, again let's multiply... yup you got it 14-16 diaper changes in a 24 hr period. Now even though we have two potty training and one is only here on the weekends there is a good chance that sometime during the entire stretch of the week (7 days) one of them will have an accident or two. The best average figure is in addition to the twins butt changes, we can add in another 6-10 of 2 and 3 yr old butt changes.... Then keep in mind we all have to eat. We have a set breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner, snack schedule in our house. So that's additional time spent. Oh yes, and with all that eating we have a huge gigantic leaning tower of pisa sized stack of dishes. Now let's try to imagine a house hold of 7 all the time and other times a household of 9. The clothes we go through is ridiculous, part of the reason they get cleaned but not always put away like they should.

Oh wait you thought I was done??? Nope we have a chocolate lab that needs taken out at least every 30-45 mins or she will guarantee you have an accident on the floor, she needs to eat a few times a day too. And it's becoming a habit now of bathing her every week. Then there are those morning's like today she couldn't hold it throughout the night even though she went potty right before bed, so she pooped in her kennel, this brings on the cleaning of the kennel at 6:45 am, and followed shortly by a shower for her.

Honestly I have to do it or a lot of people will suffer. And the hilariousness if that is a word, of it all is I pretty much enjoy doing it. Why wouldn't you enjoy it when you share this life with someone that loves you, truly loves you, and will drop what they are doing to help when needed. We have a good thing going, and I intend to keep it that way. I can survive on little sleep, that is why god created caffeine. Sometimes I think he made it just for me....

Changes in 2010!! The big D

I only posted 1 time in 2010!!! That shows you just how busy and how much my life has changed. One awesome change for me in 2010 was reuniting with my old high school sweetheart, Chad. It was the best thing that could have happen for my kids and I. It still seems strange to me that I can be this happy, and that he and I are together. But strange in a good way. Another big change in 2010 was Cliffy's diagnosis of Type 1 diabetes. He was a normal, healthy, loving life 6 year old. Until , one day late in February when he got sick, with what we thought was the flu. After a brief visit with his dad, he was taken to the ER because he had gotten very weak, wanted to do nothing but sleep, and was extremely thirsty. Come to find out his blood sugar at diagnosis was well over 600+. He was transported to Children's hospital in a state of DKA. When I arrived he was laying there like a weak lil twig in the hospital bed. That whole first day was a blur, he didn't move, he didn't speak, he was hooked up to every machine possible. We were told he had diabetes. And up until this point I only knew or heard of Type 2. Which him having diabetes to me didn't make any sense. Until I found out it was Type 1, an autoimmune disease. It seemed like our whole world had come crashing down. The diagnosis followed with a 6 day hospital stay, diabetes nutrition, and education classes. I was told I have to prick a lil needle into my sons tiny fingers 8-10 times a day now to check his blood sugar, and on top of that inject him with insulin syringes 5-6 times a day. There was no practice on a dummy, no practice on an orange. It was watch how we get the insulin in the syringe, and poke him in the arm like so. And now your ready to go home and do this for the rest of his life. Without insulin he will die. It's not like other medications and you can miss a dose. We miss a dose and he will die. I couldn't imagine at the time that I would be able to give my son shots daily to keep him alive, but now 10+ months after diagnosis and pushing on our year anniversary soon it has become unfortunately second nature. We also had another big change in 2010 with the discovery that Chad and I were expecting Twin girls. On October 2nd, Annie & Maggie joined are already large family that we formed after reuniting. In addition Annie & Maggie have 5 older siblings, Cliffy, 7, Eric, 5, Abby, 5, Ethan, 3, and Hayleigh 2. Long story short, we are sleep deprived, and function fully on caffeine alone. But we are happy. Happier then I've ever been in my entire life. There is only one thing I would change from 2010, and that is The big D! I hate it more and more daily and wish it never entered our lives! But it is our new "norm" now and we much accept it with open arms, and treat and care for it daily until a cure is found.


So goodbye to 2010, you brought with you a lot of great, changes, but also one I could live without! Here's to you 2011, I cannot wait to see what you have in store!