Lately, I've been struggling a lot, with a lot of different issues. The fear that something is wrong with the baby or that we might lose him/her altogether. The stress of trying to budget with a completely new set of bills. The indecision of where to put what in our new house. And the
biggest, the fear that I'm not being a good mom to Gage because I've been so stressed and sick from the pregnancy. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.
Gage has been very sick this passed week. It's made it really hard on me because it is one more stress on top of everything else. He has been very demanding and has been crying a lot (not like
him at all). For several days when I wasn't sitting with him, he would follow me around saying "Mommy" over and over. I got to the point where I was so tired of that name.
I've been thinking a lot lately about how I really don't know who I am or what I like anymore. I've read a lot of crazy articles about how motherhood is so hard and how people who don't have kids are happier in the here and now. Maybe that is true. Mommy is all I am now. But as I've thought about that specific thought, I can find happiness.
"Mommy" is who I am.
It may be hard, stressful, worrying, and downright impossible sometimes, but then there are the moments that make it okay. The hugs and kisses from a sweet, genuine little boy who knows
that I'm not feeling well and wants to be with me anyway. The musical sound of his laughter at who knows what. That smile that can melt a hard and stressed out heart. And, yes, the repeated saying of "Mommy" over and over. I would rather have those events in my life than anything else.
It is hard being a mom. I know I'm not going to get over my feelings of stress, fatigue, etc. In fact, its going to get a lot harder with a new little one added in. But I can remember who I am. I am 'Mommy!' I mean the world to a little boy who wants/needs me all the time. And he is the most important thing in my life right now. Everything else will work out. Everything will be okay. I'm his mom and in his eyes that makes me a superhero.
