The New Year

My kids woke us up yesterday, excited to share their New Year's Resolutions they had been working on that morning. I'm not much for such things myself, so I'm not sure why they felt like they should make formal lists when we as parents have never encouraged it, but I thought it was cute and they made me laugh. Especially the optional ones.

Cassidy's New Year's Resolutions
Be active
Be nice to Braden
Play with Braden
Get assignments in on time
Listen the first time
Get 100% ready on time
Write in my journal

Braden's New Year's Resolutions
Don't chomp and smack
Sleep in
Be nice
Don't wake Cassie up
Don't be a jerk
Don't fart (optional)
Talk nicely

This rings true to me

PARENTS WHO LOST A DAUGHTER ARE NOW IN A DIFFERENT PLACE

DEAR ABBY: My beautiful 20-year-old daughter was killed in a car accident. I am writing this not only for myself, but for all parents who have lost a child, and to all of the wonderful people who asked, "What can I do for you?" At the time there wasn't much anyone could do to help, but after two years I have an answer: Accept me for who I am now.

When Rachel came into my life, it changed me profoundly. Losing her did the same. Her father and I work hard to honor her memory, but we will never "get over it" to the degree of being who we were before. I am different now. In some ways -- I think -- better. I am kinder, more patient, more appreciative of small things, but I am not as outgoing nor as quick to laugh.

I know people mean well when they encourage me to get on with my life, but this is my life. My priorities have changed. My expectations of what my future will hold have changed. Please extend to me again the offer of "anything I can do" and, please, accept me as I am now. -- DIFFERENT NOW IN RIVERVIEW, FLA.

DEAR DIFFERENT NOW: Please accept my profound sympathy for the tragic loss of your daughter. I hope that your letter will help anyone who doesn't understand that the death of a child is the most devastating loss parents can suffer and that the experience is life-changing. They may get beyond it, but they never get "over" it. To expect that they would is unrealistic, because it's a wound that may become less visible but never goes away.

"Things Happen for a Reason"

You know, sometimes I think people just say that for something to say because they are at a loss for words. I don't know if I believe that. Sometimes bad things just happen, and that is where faith comes in to help us heal. It may be that sometime after death we will find out a "Reason," but I prefer not to waste time trying to search for one.

It's a terrible feeling to know that the Lord has allowed something terrible happen to us for our good, even though it doesn't feel like good at all. But that's why I put my trust in Him, that what I will learn from passing through sorrow will make me a better person like He wants me to be.

Bah humbug to reasons. And thank goodness for angels. MY angels.

Rock out for Rachel

This Wednesday, October 20th, is our daughter Rachel's 2nd birthday. She loved music, and we hope you will join us and "Rock Out for Rachel" in her memory. We invite you to wear her favorite color, pink, and take a few minutes to listen to a rock song or two in her honor.

We'd love to know who celebrated her life with us, so please feel free to leave a comment on her birthday and let us know what you rocked out to!

Thinking of the Girls

I've been thinking a lot about Rebecca and Rachel lately (even though I haven't blogged or posted pictures for a while). This song has always spoken to me. Especially lately, the lyrics really take on a different meaning. This was one of Rebecca's favorite songs. I particularly like this version - and though the girls never got to hear it, I think that they would like it as well (Becca really liked listening to different versions of the same songs). Every time I hear it, I tear up - but at the same time I feel happy for the chance that I had to have those girls as a part of my life - and the chance that I still have to see and live with them again.

21 Guns, by Green Day (American Idiot Soundtrack version)

Do you know what's worth fighting for
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break you heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you've lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks
the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins
You're in ruins
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand to close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try.
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
On, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I

Reading for Becca

Thanks again to Jennifer for coming up with the idea of having a read-a-thon in Becca's memory. It was amazing to see how many people read with their kids (or even read by themselves) today. We were wondering how many people actually read for Becca today, so if you did, please leave a comment below - maybe even say where you are from (if we don't know you). We'd be interested in knowing!

We love you all, and appreciate the support and love that we have been shown, and continue to be shown, by friends, family, and even total strangers.

6 Months

This picture was drawn by a person who just called us up out of the blue and asked if he could do a charcoal drawing of the girls. It's been a long time since I have posted a picture, and I thought that it would be appropriate to post this one - and to talk a bit about how we have been feeling lately.

It's been 6 months now since everything has changed for us. We have had a few tear-free days. In fact, we are on our way to having more tear-free days than tearful days. We still miss our girls so very deeply though!

The time seems to be going by so quickly - it doesn't seem like it's been 6 whole months since Rebecca and Rachel died. However, the days seem to be going by so slowly. Each day just crawls along.

I also feel like I have been measuring out my life based off of February 2010. Everything I think of, everything I remember, everything I do, I frame it relative to whether or not it happened "before the girls died" or "after the girls died." I'm getting so tired of measuring my life this way - but I think that is the way it's going to be.

The hardest time for me was, oddly enough, the 5-month anniversary of when they passed away. It especially hit me hard, because that was the point at which Rachel had been gone for 1/3 the time that she had been with us.

There have been fewer "upset" times. Probably just a few of them per month - usually around anniversaries. Most of the time, we just miss them so very much! There is an overarching feeling of melancholy in our lives.

There have been wonderful times of happiness though - and that helps to temper the sorrow and sadness. It was wonderful to see close friends go through the temple. It has been wonderful to see the love and support that friends, family, and even strangers are still offering to us - even after all this time.

It has been kind of nice to not have to wake up early, change diapers, or get breakfast for the little kids...though most days, we really miss doing those day-to-day tasks as well.

More than anything, what we have learned from this experience is that we need to make sure and do everything that we can to build memories with our family members. We have no regrets. We are grateful for the fact that we did so many things to build memories with our children while they were here with us.

Lastly, I don't know how we ever could have gotten through this without the knowledge that we'd see our sweet daughters again. I wonder how people without a religious background could ever go through something like this. The despair would be too strong. However, I know, absolutely, that we will be able to see and be with our daughters again. I am SO grateful for that knowledge. Daily, I thank God for the blessings that He has given me - especially for that ability...to one day live with my family again forever.