39 weeks.

A whole lot of nothing going on.  I had my appointment at 8 30 a.m. so we were out of the house super early. No change.  ZIP.  The baby had a great non-stress test and is just happy as can be.  Soooo I don't have to go back to the doctors office till two weeks after my  c-section.  I got permission to have 50 mg of benedryl the night before the surgery. They said that if somehow I am dialated to at least a four, they will cancel the surgery and break my water to get things going.  I don't see it happening.  I would LOVE to be wrong.

I was pretty hysterical on Sunday morning and looked awful because I cried for an hour just thinking of the recovery I'll be looking at.  I was kind of hoping that Mr. would tell me I was overreacting and not remembering it correctly.  No.  he just pet me and told me he would be there too and it would be easier this time because I would not have to labor.  Just thinking about doing it again  makes me start to cry sometimes.  But I did not cry at the drs office so at least I still have my pride.  Can you still have pride when everyone has seen your cha cha but you have not seen theirs??

We went yesterday to BRU for some last minute stuff like a new changing pad and a super cute diaper organizer we can keep downstairs.  We went to Trader Joes and bought a bunch of frozen food for quick dinners, and a bunch of cookies. Ok, and peanut butter filled chocolate pretzels.  We have coffee and tea in the house for visitors. 

I am VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.   The baby always wakes up and kicks me while I put Peter down for a nap. It was cute until he got so big that in between the baby kicking and Peter slapping and pinching it was more like being in a mosh pit.  We are eating red meat almost every night this week so I can get in some last minute iron. 

38 weeks and 4 days, oh yeah, we went there.

Last night we tried again, mmm  7 for difficulty.  Then I still could not sleep because of my cold( nothing says do me like a hugely pregnant wife with a running, red, and chapped nose.  After that I went online and looked at the pregnancy salad thing.  It seems like I have seen reference to oregano, basil, and balsamic working.  Now, I think it is more likely that all these women ate a ton of salad, pooped their brains out, and THEN had their babies, but what the hell.  Clearly I am in the try anything phase.  So, last night we had pizza, then today for lunch I am having a huge salad with a liberal amount of balsamic.  Like...my tongue is numb.  And for dinner I am having pesto.  I also drank a bottle of fresh pineapple juice between last night and today.  And I'll be having more salad. Why not?  It's good for me and God knows I have been eating enough crap. 

This morning was the hardest morning I have had since I got pregnant.  I was just exhausted.  Peter has been really, REALLY good considering how out of it I have been.  And he has been getting a lot of presents from his extremely thankful Mama. 

This weekend we are going to try more s.ex, and more Italian food( chicken parm?) and walking and acuppresure and cleaning.  I told Mr. that I want to try and get any last minute crap taken care of( he is AWFUL at that and gives last minute a whole new meaning)in case the stress of thinking about the car seat needing to get installed and the shower not being clean are maybe giving me a mental block.

Our last ob appointment( Holy Crap) is Monday morning.  Unless there is a weekend miracle.  I don't know if they will want to see me after that or if I just go to the hospital for my c-section or what.  While I am there I am going to ask if I can have a sleeping pill for next Sunday night so that I am not up all night long from excitement/fear/adrenaline.  If it is my last chance for sleep for 13 months then I WANT IT.  I am also going to ask if they will try stripping my membranes.  Anyhow, I am pretty damn antsy.  Hopefully I will have some good news on Monday. 

38 weeks and 3 days. ONE HUNDRED SKILLION AGILTY POINTS

If you are still battling infertility, this is not the right post for you today.  If you know me in real life, you might want to skip this one too, since it is a bit heavy on the TMI.

I went to my husband last night and told him ( after tossing and turning in our bed for two hours) that I could not stand being pregnant for one more minute.  Yesterday, Peter and I took a walk, I cleaned, I drank my tea, I was on the yoga ball, I took my evening primrose oil, we did the acupressure points, I imagined my cervix opening, and I ate this  ice cream Mr. brought home as a surprise for me because my friend AYM swears it works.  But all it did was get me too hyper to sleep. 

I am on Day 3 of a cold.  I have not taken anything, and am just using a humidifier and drinking a lot of fluids.  I think the cold pushed me over the edge to Crazytown.  Because even when exhausted it is very difficult for me to get comfortable enough to sleep.  Peter took a long nap yesterday and I tried to rest but all I did was snuffle.  So I took a hot shower, which worked for a while but also made me more sleepy. 



Annnnnyhow, I was so miserable that at midnight I went downstairs to Mr. and asked him to please have s.e.x.  with me, even though I felt really ugly and my nose was runny and I really did not want to.  I said"let's go upstairs and have some awkward s.e.x in a weird position, PLEASE."  I found mention of something I had not tried on the blog Pregnant Chicken  in the comment section.  You take the evening primrose oil and rub it on your husband and THEN you do it.  Well, as soon as I read that I was like GENIUS!  Soooo we tried, but nope.  And I might add, that doing something like that and then trying to go to sleep except you are too keyed up waiting for SOMETHING to happen...is probably not the best idea ever.  I think I slept three hours total last night.  If I was gonna rate it, I would give it an 8 for difficulty and a 2 for enjoyment- since I was laughing about how silly it was.  Mr. said it was pretty good considering.  Which is important, cause we are gonna try AGAIN on Friday and Sunday. 


Anyhow, I am big and cranky, and I feel so guilty not being patient though Mr. has told me I am doing fine.  I think most of it is that I feel guilty that I can't chase Peter or play hide and seek like we used to. We color and paint and read and do stickers and play doh, but getting on the floor to play trucks is really hard.  Not to mention getting OFF the floor.  He got away from me on our walk and was laughing and running and I had to chase him and it was not a good time.  He is sleeping in a bit today, thank goodness because I am freaking baked and it is not even 8 a.m. 

Oh Darling Baby,

Please, please, PLEASE come out today. Please.

love,

mama

38 weeks. Meh.

The baby is awesome.  So says my ob.  My IRON CURTAIN is still closed, and she said she does not even agree with what her partner saying last week that I am 50% effaced.  I know your cervix can close again, can you go backwards with effacement too?  I did not gain any weight this week.  THANK GOD.  I am the fattest I have ever been, and mind you I am a former pastry chef with PCOS.  So that is saying something.  She agreed that I could up the evening primrose oil to three pills a day but said she does not think it will help. 

I mentioned to my husband that i was trying to decide if I should take all three at night or one during the day and he said it probably did not matter and then I cried a little. Because I just have to feel like I am at least trying SOMETHING.  ANYTHING.  I do not want a c-section.  I understand that it is not the end of the world if I have one.  I GET THAT.  I DO GET THAT.  However, I don't want one.  A LOT.  A WHOLE LOT.  My neighbor is a massage therapist and is coming over tonight to do acupressure on my feet.  She has done it for her sister and cousin and while it did not start their labor, it did make them contract and and contractions can help with dilation.  So she is going to show Mr. how to do it and then he will do it every night.  I will keep drinking my tea and taking the evening primrose oil and bouncing on the yoga ball and doing my lame ass mental what do you call it where I imagine my cervix is opening.  And then, if nothing has changed by next Monday, we ( fine, ME) are throwing in the towel and prepping the house for a c-section. 

Mr. reminded me that if I go to 40 weeks, it gives the baby that much more time to get ready, and us that much more time, and plus my sister put in for a week of vacay so she can stay with Peter.  If I go early we don't get any of that.  I am still feeling pretty discouraged. 

We had a big party for Mr. yesterday for his 32 birthday.  It went fine but I am freaking tired.  I think the weekend is catching up with me.

37 weeks. Heeeeeeeelllll yeaaah.

I am large and in charge.  I am also up at 3 a.m.  because of an urgent quest for cereal.  So since I am awake(ish) ...my appointment went great today!  My ob said you could not ask for a better non-stress test and that the baby was super active.  Since I am frequently pri.s.on r.a.p.ed by the baby from the inside, I agree.  I have no idea what all the baby does that allows him to put pressure on my butt-hole, but lol Lemm.y.winks.  NICE.

And the baby is much farther down AND I am 50% effaced!  BOO-YA!  I have never actually used that word before, chalk it up to my extreme elation at my Iron Curtain showing some signs of parting.

I came home and took Peter out for a walk since my ob said to just keep doing what I am doing.  I crapped out at around 8 and was in bed before nine.  And obviously now AWAKE.  I am tempted to clean the kitchen since it is a mess but I think I am just going to eat something else while I think happy dilation thoughts.  No dilation yet, but I am really looking forward to next weeks appointment( if I make it???) and some positive news.

We are not telling anyone in the family about the effacement.  Since that could go on for weeks and mean nothing.  Or change tomorrow and TA DA!  But regardless our family will nag us, so they are living in happy ignorance.  Or perhaps just ignorance that we are happy about.  Since I do not believe in magikal thinking but can't keep from hoping..if I was filling out an order I would hope for early next week.  Mainly because I have a salon appointment this weekend and Peter is getting a desperately needed haircut.  Mr. is hoping for nine more days so he can finish class.  Or course we might as well hope that fifty dollar bills and bacon rain from the sky for all the control we have over what happens. 

I have been drinking 2 cups of raspberry leaf tea a day, and taking two evening primrose oil pills.  One orally, and one stuffed as far as I can up the tunnel of loooooooove.  Which is not that far considering how hard it is to reach around myself.  And I go on the yoga ball every night to encourage the baby to get and stay in the right position.  My little stinker Peter bounced back OUT from position.  How does that even work?  It thought they got wedged in? Annnnyhow, that is what is going on.  I also do visualization.  Everything I read said imagine your cervix is a flower...opening.  Probably while listening to Yanni and drinking hemp tea under the moon.  I can't do that.  Every time I picture it, all I can think of is that big circle thing that Kirk Russel jumps through in Stargate.  Soooo my cervix is a portal to another universe.  FANCY!

The nursery is thisclose to done.  We are just waiting on the mattress to come, and we have to wash the baby clothes.  But we have diapers and wipes and the pictures are up and we got  and gauze and put the crib tent up.  Our room just needs to be dusted and the bassinet has to come up.  But aside from the constant mess that comes from having a toddler and being too huge and exhausted to clean and Mr. having too much homework to clean( cough REALLY???) whatever.  We are mostly ready.  We should be fine if the baby stays in till next Monday.  Or even not, if he comes sooner. 

Except of course SOMEONE has yet to pick a name because they are being IMPOSSIBLE. 

So close, so close and yet so faaaaaaar

Here I am trying to enjoy pregnancy.  Trying to enjoy these last weeks alone with Peter.
Also trying:
to keep the house from being condemned
to eat healthy
to get enough rest
to make sure Peter has fun
to get everything ready for the baby

Right.  It's a disaster.

Keeping the house from being condemned.  Well, Mr. has been doing projects. POINTLESS projects. ( Dear husband- I know you sometimes read my blog- sorry.  Perhaps skip this paragraph)My sister came down to watch Peter so we could get stuff done.   Did he chose to drag all the baby clothes out from the inner reaches of the basement so I could wash them?  Did he chose to organize our bedroom since that is where the baby is going to sleep?  Deep clean the house?  Buy baby stuff?  Freezer cook?  Install the car seats?  No.  My husband spent the better part of two weekends working on a wiring project in the nursery that had been sitting there SINCE PETER WAS a MONTH OLD. That was what he deemed the best use of his time.  If he so much as touches any wires this weekend I am going to pull off his balls and make a mobile out of them.   This weekend we are using MY LIST.  We are finishing the nursery and finishing our bedroom and washing the 15 loads of laundry that have piled up AND cleaning.  Mr. means it when he says he wants me to rest.  But does not follow up by wiping down the bathroom, vacuuming WITHOUT prompting, laundry WITHOUT prompting etc etc etc.  I do not like to nag.  My Mom nags.  It is my goal in life not to become my Mother.  But if that man does not finish something this weekend I am going to freak out.

To eat healthy  um.  Yeah.  No.  I take my vitamin.  I limit my caffeine.  But pretty much I have been eating whatever.  Partially because eating a salad takes FOREVER but mostly because eating a salad takes FOREVER.

To get enough rest umm?  I get up at least six times in the night, every night.  Either to pee or because just like with Peter( but much worse) I have been having pregnancy nightmares that make me dread going to sleep even as I am desperate to get in bed.  I sit on the couch a lot during the day, since Peter is in the living room most of the time.  But then if I sit all day the house looks like a hot mess by the end.  A HOT AND NASTY MESS.  Toys and cat hair and books and dishes and crumbs.

To make sure Peter has fun, please cue the massive Mommy guilt I have about being pregnant while caring for Peter.  I am short on everything, patience, energy, and stamina.  Things that were no big deal before are a big deal now.  Changing Peter's diaper, going for a walk, going up and down the stairs all these things are hard now.  Coloring is fun until Peter throws all his crayons, the same for play-doh.  Painting....he loves to paint.  I love him to paint.  I HATE FOR HIM TO RUN AWAY WHILE PAINTING AT HIS EASEL.  Hide and seek.  Mommy can't run.  UGH.  Going to the library.  I can't even contemplate it.


To get everything ready for the baby yeah.  No.  Just over three weeks to go and we are not ready.  Not really.  Kind of?  We have almost everything, but the crib is not built, the dresser is not mounted, the laundry is not done.  The bassinet needs to come up and get cleaned and so does the bouncy chair and the swing. Our bedroom is half finished.  I bought the stuff for my hospital bag.  That's it.  If I go into labor tonight, we are effed.

Trying to enjoy this pregnancy.  My magical, miracle pregnancy.  Almost no symptoms at all.  I am fine.  I have been fine.  I mean, braxton hicks since 14 weeks, and now I am giant.  Like, the baby is so low I can't even wear underpants because I feel like I am strangling him.  But seriously, nothing to complain about.  Nothing.  It's awesome.  It's amazing.  It's UNBELIEVABLE.   It might be the last time I am ever pregnant. It is probably the last time I will ever be pregnant. And yet, I find myself just wanting to be DONE.  Just DONE.  Done so at least Mr. will be home for 8 weeks and I can get some damn help around here. 


Trying to enjoy these last weeks with Peter.  Sometimes when people say that I feel like they are imagining us having some kind of Mommy and Me Montage where we play blocks and cuddle and read and snuggle.  And we do.  But our day is now from 7 15 a.m.( Mr. goes into work an hour earlier now so he can do homework he has 40 hours of work and 30 hours of homework so it is me and Peter a LOT) till 6 30 p.m.  Idyllic play with Mommy and Peter takes up part of our day and the rest is your average, normal toddler bullshit except I am a MOOSE on top of it.  Soooo that when we take a walk
( like we did today) it starts out fine and then Peter has a tantrum because he wants to run and I can't let him and then he throws a fit but picking him up is torture because I am almost 37 weeks pregnant and hello, HE KICKS.  Have you ever been kicked from the inside and the outside AT THE SAME TIME??   Or diapering.  I diaper Peter on the floor now, so I don't have to lift him.  But then he is in prime position to kick me.  Bathing.  Sometimes fun, sometimes NOT FUN.  A crapshoot. 
 And yet, he is still adorable.  I love him so much.  He is fun and smart and sweet.  And darling.  And precious.  But he is a nonstop climbing, death defying, whirlwind.

But that's where we are.  I am sooooo hoping I will have some kind of cervix news on Monday. I started taking evening primrose oil last night.  I'm taking one pill orally and stuffing one up mah hooha each night, plus two cups of red raspberry leaf tea a day.  PLEASE WORK.  My little man is up.  So off we go again.

I can't decide if this sounds negative.  I don't feel negative.  Overwhelmed and tired and like a wishbone being pulled in two directions but not negative. 

Oh I am SO THERE, week 36

I asked my ob today about evening primrose oil.  She said ok.  So I'll be taking that.  Fort Knox is still on EXTREME LOCKDOWN.  I am thankful I do not have an incompetent cervix, but having an overachieving cervix is no party either.  The baby is so low that I can feel the hiccups vibrating in my va.g.ina.  Which is really weird.  Peter's hiccups were super adorable and we would just watch my stomach jump.  However, this is not adorable. It is very disconcerting. 

I had a couple really strong contractions, and those along with Mr. Down Low and just general pains made me hope that I would have some kind of change.  But no.  My ob said I don't even have to call them unless I have contractions three minutes apart.  Even though we are nearly an hour away.  That is how buff my cervix is.  I love my ob because when I said fuck after she said there was no change, she did not even blink.  Because seriously, FUCK.  I see the writing on the wall people.  And it says MARCH 5th,  8 30 a.m .

My blood pressure is good, and the baby is happy.  But he is so low.  I had to take off my pants and underwear yesterday to pick up the living room so that I could bend down.  I had to wear pajama bottoms to my appointment today because I only have one pair of pants that fits now.   It is going to be a long LONG four weeks.