I'm cautiously guarding my heart from toxic people despite how desperately they need help. The line to draw, to intervene is blurred when these people is close to home. My sense of right and wrong is all messed up and I find myself lost and carrying a burden not meant for me to carry.
 
I have tried being helpful and I became an emotional dump and eventually quite an emotional wreck myself, I have tried being indifferent, nonchalant in order not to be vulnerable but that didnt quite work.  

The recent incident makes me ponder my stand on things and how grey I have evolved to be. It is no longer black and white to me and I started to analyse that by default we are all carnal and superficial. Not that I support his stand but I could understand why he did what he did. I felt this was not a worthy battle to pick but hey who am I to decide that and it's her call to set the standards rather than to let it slide. But is it right to not come "home" for the next couple of days. Is this the trend to set for future?  

Cried a little today and I have stopped conversing with her. It's not much of a realization but I truly have nothing to value add and she does not have the capacity to listen.

On another note, there's just this sense of dread and fear... that time is running out for me (again) and I somehow feel so puny and inadequate. All the grand plans to study to open a shop just felt unachievable. Though yes i know this life isnt all about clocking all the achievements but I seem to have lost sight of the big picture .. of what I'm truly living and fighting for.








In Perth overlooking the city. Just had breakfast :) it's been a relaxing trip and well had time in between to sort out things weighing on my mind.

I have been thinking that I'm one of those out there that's only interested in the mere pursuit of dreams and goals but never really getting there. It keeps people like me going, distracted from the status quo, never fully satisfied yet never fully dissatisfied. The fear of what's next after achieving the goal is intimidating. Bigger dreams and mountains to scale and overcome.

Pursuing studies in pastry has been a dream but I have been procrastinating much.


Not too sure if it constitutes a fruitful day but it was rather fulfilling except that i overslept and missed service.

Well did 3 desserts (macarons, strawberry tarts and tiramisu) and yx really likes it to my surprise. Always thankful for friends who love the stuff I make :)

Headed down to queen way but the rain was such a crowd deterrent that we didnt manage to sell anything. Better luck next time!

I thought I will write to the future me ...

Hello future me, it's tough being vulnerable and risk being bruised and battered emotionally. I cant trace the start nor end to the scars I have. I have no inkling whether they have really started healing or are still raw.. I hope u wld find someone who accepts you for who u truly are and not exploit the flaws you have. Possibly someone who will listen and not be quick to dispense solutions. And that you are rested in yr identity that you need not find yr sense of security from the things you do or the people around u. :) xoxo








Been reading and thinking alot on the topic of unlearning certain behaviors picked up over the years.. But more than often these thoughts have not been articulated, just park somewhere in my head?

I resent the fact that I'm somewhat forced to "man up" bcos of situational factors, how I have allow myself to desensitize to emotionally detach easily bcos that's just the way things are. It's a cycle that I want to break and hopefully not bring into e next relationship (if any) or well maybe in a fostering relationship if I do eventually end up adopting (I'm serious).

Something I read resonates w my soul.. Well I hope this starts the process of healing and unlearning negative habits.

"It makes sense to put on a warm coat to protect yourself against e bitter cold in winter, but when summer comes, it also makes sense to take e coat off and enjoy the warm sunshine."






I suppose there's some truth that unresolved issues keep manifesting in different forms till it gets your attention to fix it, no not sleep over it or live with it but take THE appropriate action.

... how our parents hurts and mistakes run in our DNA and the more we "rebelled" against it.. It's more likely that we live their lives and mistakes all over.

This is a similar scene recurring...


Took half day with the intention to chill, to catch up on reading and I guess to spend some time alone - well all fulfilled but wasn't really "alone" since every now n then I was whatsapping.

My ears tune in to this song and its somewhat melancholic melody grew on me.

Born to Die by Lana Del Rey

- Don't make me sad, don't make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough
I don't know why -

Labels: Chill, coffee, solitude

"We must be careful with our lives, for Christ's sake, because it would seem that they are the only lives we are going to have in this puzzling and perilous world, and so they are very precious and what we do with them matters enormously,"

... Maybe that means that the voice we should listen to most as we choose a
Vocation is the voice of our own gladness. What can we do that makes us gladdest, what can we do that leaves us with the stronger sense of sailing true north and of peace, which is much of what gladness is? Is it making things with our hands out of wood or stone or paint on canvas? Or is it something we hope like truth out i of words? Or is it making people laugh or weep in a way that cleanses their spirit? I believe that if it is a thing that makes us truly glad, then it is a good thing and it is our thing and it is the calling voice that we were made to answer with our lives.

The book that always quiet down my heart n gives me the courage to pursue the voice of gladness.


Pretty much cramped for time these days so I'm taking every idle moment I have to do something productive - for now blogging and updating a moment of my life while waiting for the train that seems almost impossible to squeeze in.

Weekend has been a baking frenzy, really. Angie has been really kind to order desserts from me for all the house warming, hence she is crowned the slave master of the month for July and August.

It has been a tad overwhelming juggling both the bank and the bake job. Have to please both the pay masters as well as the critique in me

Labels: bake, cakes, Food styling, macarons, tarts

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