Rich, chocolatey (inherent) goodness

Do you love chocolate? Do you also love Jesus? Well, it seems someone has decided to combine the two:

Germany's churches criticized a businessman on Tuesday for selling thousands of Jesus chocolates.

Frank Oynhausen set up his "Sweet Lord" chocolate Jesus-making business saying he wanted to restore some traditional religious values to Christmas in Germany.

But the German Protestant Church criticized the idea as "tasteless" and the Roman Catholic Church was not amused.

"I started thinking about how I could reintroduce traditional religious values into this commercial world," said Oynhausen, who had been unemployed since losing a recycling business two years ago.

Together with a friend, a local chocolatier, Oynhausen, 54, developed the concept of "Sweet Lord." It is growing fast in his home town of Duisburg and on the internet (www.goldjesus.com).

Oynhausen said thousands of people have put in orders for the figures wrapped in gold foil.

But church associations expressed dismay.

"It is terrible that Jesus is being wrapped up in gold foil and sold along with chocolate bunnies, edible penguins and lollipops," said Aegidius Engel, a spokesman for the archbishopric of nearby Paderborn.

Now, I'm not a religious person, but I can see how some people would find this tacky. For one thing, it would feel a little strange to bite the head off of a chocolate Jesus.

Driving like a maniac

So, do you think this guy was, drunk, high, crazy, or some combination of the three?

California authorities got a shock of their own when they discovered that a drunken driving suspect they had just stunned with a Taser was completely naked.

Santa Ana police say the naked man was pulled over by police Wednesday night after his van hit a car.

Police Commander Stephen Colon says a driver alerted officers to the van that had just hit his car. He says the driver was fumbling in the front seat and refused to put his hands up.

I don't want to know what he was "fumbling" with, and I guess the cops didn't, either, seeing as how that was the point at which they busted out the Taser.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today is a day to be thankful for all of our blessings. Let's all sit down and enjoy some turkey.

Okay, that's not exactly the right kind of turkey, but you get the idea.

Romp in the restroom

Ah, no location says romance quite like...a crowded restroom at a football game:

A 38-year-old woman and a 26-year-old man turned to a handicapped stall for their tryst Saturday evening.

On the field, the Hawkeyes were on their way to 55-0 trouncing of the Gophers. In the restroom, a crowd of intoxicated fans gathered to cheer the off-the-field event.

Eventually, a security guard tipped off University of Minnesota police. Officers had to interrupt the couple to cite them for indecent conduct, a misdemeanor.

Police Chief Greg Hestness said the woman initially gave a false name to officers. She was released to her husband and the man was released to his girlfriend.

Boy, I bet they were both thrilled, huh?

Oh, and here's the shocking part of this whole sordid episode: they were both drunk! Bet you didn't see that coming.

Geekiest lawsuit EVAR

Some dork named Richard Minsky is suing some other dork over a trademark he took out on the word "SLART" in the virtual reality game Second Life. Actually, that's not quite accurate. He's suing the other dork's avatar:

Minsky obtained a U.S. trademark in March 2008, but avatar Victor Vezina began an art gallery called "SLart" in Second Life in 2007.

In a 25-page complaint to the U.S. District Court of New York on March 16, 2008, Minsky's attorney, an avatar called Juris Amat, sent Vezina a "cease and desist" order that he failed to respond to, the newspaper said.

I'm no legal scholar, but I'm pretty sure that when your virtual lawyer sends a virtual cease and desist order to your virtual antagonist, some guy automatically is sent to your mom's basement to give you a real-life wedgie. Yeah, that's the way I'm pretty sure the law works.

Escape FAIL!

Running from the cops isn't a great idea, but running from the cops while you're this uncoordinated can have dire consequences:

A tip to the state's DrunkBuster hot line Sunday afternoon alerted authorities to a possibly drunken driver.

State Police Officer Grace Romero spotted the man's pickup truck swerving across both lanes of a highway, driving slowly and then fast. He refused to stop.

After narrowly missing other vehicles, police said the suspect drove through a ditch and a barbed-wire fence before stopping. He tried to put the truck into park, but it ended up in reverse.

Police said the man fell from his open door and both of his legs were run over by the front driver's side tire.

He was treated at a hospital for "minor injuries." Normally, you would consider that pretty lucky, but since the injuries weren't more serious, they were able to book him into jail right away.

Double your jail time

I can understand why people steal valuable things like jewelery or electronics or high-end clothing from stores, but gum?

A New York man will serve four months in jail after pleading guilty to grand larceny charges related to the theft of 54 packs of bubble gum, a judge says.

Judge Robert Raciti of Queens Criminal Court handed down the sentence to William Rouse, 47, who was allegedly seen on a surveillance camera attempting to steal the bubble gum from an area Kmart last week, the New York Post said Monday.

Sources said before Rouse could leave the scene of the crime with his chewable booty, a security guard stopped him and allegedly found the bubble gum in a bag Rouse was carrying.

Leaving aside the humorous phrase "chewable booty," this isn't the first time he's done this. Earlier this year, he tried to steal 25 packs of gum from another store. Nine out of ten dentists who would recommend chewing gum to their patients agree* that he's got an unhealthy obsession with stealing gum.

*What, like you could come up with a better joke about gum?

Bad dog!

I get upset with my dog when he occasionally poops on the rug or gets into the trash, but at least he's never done anything like this:

A 23-year-old man accidentally shot with his 12-gauge shotgun Saturday on the Tillamook Bay isn't upset with the culprit -- his dog.

The bizarre incident sent Matthew Marcum to Portland's Legacy Emanuel Hospital & Health Center, where he was recovering Sunday with injuries to his legs and buttocks.

Marcum was standing in the bay Saturday morning, about to tie up an 11-foot open aluminum boat, when his 3-year-old Labrador, Drake, jumped into the boat and set off the gun, his Father, Henry Marcum, said Sunday. The blast blew a hole in the boat before hitting Marcum.

Marcum's father called the incident "just one of those things" and "an accident," which is just what the dog wants him to believe.

Suck it, Stanfurd

I would be remiss if I didn't mention the 37-16 drubbing Cal gave Stanfurd yesterday in the 111th Big Game. The Axe is back where it belongs!

Life imitates "The Lumberjack Song"

As a fan of capitalism, I'm all for companies tapping into new markets for their products. Unfortunately, though, when the company in question is a Japanese lingerie manufacturer, the new market is predictably creepy:

Since launching two weeks ago on Rakuten, a major Japanese web shopping mall, the Wishroom shop has sold over 300 men's bras for 2,800 yen ($30) each. The shop also stocks men's panties, as well as lingerie for women.

"I like this tight feeling. It feels good," Wishroom representative Masayuki Tsuchiya told Reuters as he modeled the bra, which can be worn discreetly under men's clothing.

Wishroom Executive Director Akiko Okunomiya said she was surprised at the number of men who were looking for their inner woman.

"I think more and more men are becoming interested in bras. Since we launched the men's bra, we've been getting feedback from customers saying 'wow, we'd been waiting for this for such a long time'," she said.

And who can blame them? I mean, I would imagine that having to buy and wear a bra that was designed to be worn by a woman is probably a really weird and demeaning experience. Finally getting a man-bra, on the other hand? Probably a breath of fresh air. Yeah.

Gift horse, mouth, etc.

I'm pretty sure this is probably some kind of first:

Officials with the Minnesota Correctional Facility-Oak Park Heights said they had to call the police after a released prisoner refused to leave prison grounds.

The officials said an officer from the Oak Park Heights Police Department was called to the facility Nov. 13 after King Phillip Veiga, 23, refused to leave the prison, saying he wasn't due to be released until May 2009, the St. Paul (Minn.) Pioneer Press reported Thursday.

Um, what were the cops supposed to do? Arrest him for trespassing and cart him off to jail? I mean, I guess they could have tazed him and dragged him out of the prison's gates, but that sounds a little excessive.

The police report said Veiga "would not sign any paperwork stating his release date was today because he felt he would be rearrested and brought back to prison."

Right, because state corrections officials have nothing better to do than play elaborate practical jokes on you. Just accept the fact that they're letting you out of prison early. I mean, if you miss the institutional-grade meat and forcible sodomy that much, you could probably just commit another crime and get caught. Just try not to rape or murder anybody in the process, m'kay?

Never look background

In today's tough economy, everybody needs a good job. There are certain jobs that have requirements, however, that aren't right for everyone. Case in point:

A mid-Michigan man who'd been looking for work found trouble after an arrest warrant popped up during a background check at a police station. Police also found cocaine in his pocket. The company the man was applying to required a police background check.

The Jackson Citizen Patriot reported that after running the 29-year-old man's name through their computer system Wednesday, police learned he was wanted on a domestic violence charge.

When the cops arrested him, they found several rocks of crack cocaine in his pocket—a must for any serious job-seeker. Although the article doesn't specify whether or not he got the job, but I'm guessing that no, they probably didn't.

That's not what they mean by "beating the rap"

I don't know much about being a rapper or shooting people, but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to combine the two like this:

Judge Donny Gillis sentenced Rico Todriquez Wright, 25, on two counts of aggravated assault for shooting Chad Blue, 28, of Dublin. Wright must serve 20 years of his sentence in prison, the rest on probation.

A Laurens County jury convicted Wright in August for the September 2006 shooting. Assistant District Attorney Brandon Faircloth presented testimony during the trial that Blue encountered Wright and two other men one night on Grey Street. Blue testified that he and Wright knew each other, but admittedly did not get along.

“I heard one of the men tell Rico, ‘go ahead and shoot him’,” Blue testified in August. “When he raised his gun I knew I had to run, but I knew if I ran a straight line, I was dead. So I started weaving, running between houses, trying to avoid the bullets.”

However, one of the bullets struck Blue behind his thigh and shattered into his groin.

[...]

Blue had testified that sometime after the shooting a friend had come to visit him and played a song for him on a CD.

“I heard the song.” Blue said, “and I recognized Rico’s voice. The song was called ‘Hitting Licks for a Living’ and there’s a line that says ‘Chad Blue knows how I shoot’.”

“Hitting licks” is a term used in rap music as slang for robbery.

“Yeah, he recorded that before he went to trial,” said Blue, shaking his head, after Wright’s conviction. “Can you believe that?”

Sadly, yes. I can totally believe that. Because people are fucking idiots these days. I mean, back when Johnny Cash sang about shooting a man in Reno "just to watch him die," he at least had the sense not to name the guy.

(Plus, I don't think he actually shot anybody, but you get my point.)

You don't want to know what happens when they search for cigarettes

I believe it was George Bernard Shaw who said that the U.S. and Britain were two countries "separated by a common language." Well, it looks like he was right:

British iPhone users said a Google voice recognition program developed for the smart phone in the United States does not understand their accents.

The free program, which was designed to translate voice commands into Google searches, was perplexed when users with accents from across England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales attempted a simple search for "iPhone," The Daily Telegraph reported Wednesday.

The newspaper said a man with a Scottish accent was given Google results for "sex" when he first spoke the word "iPhone" while running the program and received results for "sledding" during his second attempt.

I've met people from Scotland (okay, not really, but I've seen Trainspotting several times) and while they can be somewhat difficult to understand sometimes, I'm pretty sure I could distinguish between a Scot saying "iPhone" and "sex." At least I hope so. If not, that could lead to some really awful misunderstandings.

Extremely petty cash

I've heard of getting nickled and dimed to death, but this is ridiculous:

A 74-year-old blind woman was shocked when her daughter found a letter from the city saying a lien would be placed on her home unless she paid an overdue water bill.

The amount? 1 cent.

Eileen Wilbur told The Sun Chronicle of Attleboro the letter sent her blood pressure soaring, and pointed out that stamps cost 42 cents.

City Collector Debora Marcoccio said the letter was among 2,000 sent out. A computer automatically prints letters for accounts with an overdue balance, and they are not reviewed by staff before being mailed, she said.

The letter warned of a lien and a $48 penalty if the overdue bill is not paid by Dec. 10. The charge was from the previous fiscal year, which ran from July 2007 to July 2008.

"My question is, how come it wasn't paid when the (original) bills went out?" Marcoccio said.

Um, I dunno, maybe because she's old and blind? Or maybe she just made a mistake and was off by a cent when she wrote you a check.

My question is, instead of being kind of a bitch about it, why don't you just apologize and cancel the overdue amount? Especially seeing as how the paperwork on the whole thing has probably cost at least forty times what she owes you.

Personal standards FAIL

It looks like we've got ourselves a classic case of do as I say, not as I do in Tokyo:

A senior Tokyo police official tasked with keeping the city's roads clear of drunk drivers has been arrested for driving under the influence, police said on Tuesday.

The deputy inspector, on his way home from a camping site, was caught late on Monday after bumping into another car and veering off the road, said a police official in Ibaraki.

"He smelled of alcohol and he couldn't walk straight," the official said.

Local media said the arrested official had been in charge of a campaign to stop drunk driving, handing out stickers to bars and restaurants around the city.

Huh. I guess they didn't have any of those stickers at the camp site where he'd been drinking. Oh well, live and learn, right? I mean, the whole losing your job and being publicly humiliated thing is probably quite the learning experience.

Healing hands

Apparently they don't really appreciate it when people think outside the box Down Under:

Australian officials said they are taking a closer look at health fund rebates for massage parlors after some of the businesses were revealed as brothels.

Health fund fraud investigators said they discovered up to 80 massage parlors in Sydney alone were fraudulently using funds -- and some were offering taxpayer-funded rebates for a "massage with a happy ending" -- The (Sydney) Daily Telegraph reported Monday.

Their Health Minister was quoted as saying "Public funds that go to health services should be used for health services." Well, I'm sure there was some, er, stress reduction involved, and there are surely some health benefits that come from lowering stress levels.

Yeah, well, I tried.

SoCal burning

In case any of you were worried, I just want to let you know that no, we're not on fire here, though things are bad just south of here in Orange County. Tragically, by the end of the weekend, a lot of people down there are going to have lost their homes.

Meanwhile, we'll be keeping our eyes on the horizon.

Update: If you want to donate to Red Cross disaster relief efforts, you can do so here.

Chutzpah

Check out the big brass balls on one Joe Goetz:

Police said 48-year-old Joseph Goetz allegedly attempted to rob a Susquehanna Bank branch office in the town this week shortly after it opened, the York (Pa.) Daily Record said Friday.

After learning that the bank had no cash on hand to give him, Goetz fled the scene while vowing to file a complaint with bank managers, police allege.

He was caught after a customer saw him attempting to flee the bank and followed him. There's no word as to whether or not he followed through on the complaint, though I'm guessing he probably didn't.

All roads lead to FAIL

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Hold it

They say that there's a time and place for everything, and as this dumbass found out, while you're being transported to jail in the back of a cop car is a very bad time and place to, well...

Police say Daniel L. Shilts, of 720 W. Second St., was pulled over about 2 a.m. in the City of Plymouth after the officer saw him drive in the parking lane and nearly strike the curb while making turns, according to a criminal complaint. The officer followed Shilts as he pulled into a gas station and struck a pole, then nearly backed into the squad car before coming to a stop.

Shilts was arrested after the officer smelled alcohol on his breath and Shilts failed field sobriety tests, the complaint said. While en route to the police station, Shilts urinated in the back seat of the squad car and also sprayed some urine through the center divider, striking the officer in the back of the head, the complaint said.

Aside from the DUI and the charge related to splashing the arresting officer with pee, he's also being charged with felony bail jumping counts from several unrelated felony cases. If he's convicted on all of the charges he's facing, he could end up doing more than fifteen years in prison.

Normally, I'd make some kind of joke here, but I think in this instance, I'll just call the guy an asshole and hope that he ends up going away for a long time.

Why can't Johnny stop reading?

I'm a firm believer in the idea that children should be encouraged to read as much as possible, but they probably shouldn't be reading stuff like this:

A spokesman for the Sainsbury's grocery chain has apologized after children visiting a Haverhill, England, store were given sexually explicit books.

The spokesman said the book, entitled "How to Change the World for a Fiver," was mistakenly given to fourth graders visiting the store from Burton End primary school, The Daily Mail reported Thursday.

The book included the suggestion that readers save water by "bathing with a friend" and contained 12 sexually explicit illustrations.

The books apparently "mentioned the company's positive environmental activities." Sounds like a pretty fun place to work.

Anyway, you'd think someone at the store would've read something with subject matter that...interesting.

Let's beget it on

I'm not a very religious person, but the few times I've been to church over the last few years, I don't remember them ever talking about this kind of thing:

The pastor of a mega-church says he will challenge married congregants during his sermon Sunday to have sex for seven straight days — and he plans to practice what he preaches.

"We're going to give it a try," said the Rev. Ed Young, who has four children with his wife of 26 years.

Young, 47, said he believes society promotes promiscuity and he wants to reclaim sex for married couples. Sex should be a nurturing, spiritual act that strengthens marriages, he said.

"God says sex should be between a married man and a woman," Young said. "I think it's one of the greatest things you can do for your kids because so goes the marriage, so goes the family."

I realize that he's probably still talking about the nurturing and spirituality and such, but am I the only one who's still just a little creeped out by the suggestion that having frequent sex is good for your kids?

Get out of jail fat

If you ever find yourself in the slammer up in the Great White North and you want to get out early, you might want to consider grabbing seconds (or thirds, even) at the cafeteria:

Canadian prison authorities were forced to release a 450-pound (205 kg) drug gang member this week because he was too large for his cell, the Journal de Montreal newspaper reported on Wednesday.

Michel Lapointe -- known as Big Mike -- was arrested in September 2006 and received a five-year sentence in May this year. The paper said he could not fit on the chair in his Montreal prison cell and when he went to bed, his body protruded six inches on either side.

A letter from the authorities to Lapointe said: "You have been detained for more than 25 months and your prison conditions are difficult because of your health".

Perhaps I'm mistaken, but aren't "prison conditions" supposed to be at least somewhat difficult? I thought that was kind of the whole point of the prison experience. And couldn't they just find him a bigger bed and chair?

If she's negative for the herp, then she's not the perp

I'm not a lawyer, and I've never sued anyone before, but in my layman's opinion, this guy is pretty much screwed:

Amy Tanne was sued this year for allegedly passing herpes on to her attorney husband, Frederick Tanne, but the New York Post said Tuesday that Mrs. T's camp fired back in court papers by saying she tested negative for the virus.

The document said Mrs. Tanne was tested in October and "presented as 'negative' for HSV-2, more commonly known as genital herpes, with which Mr. Tanne is allegedly infected."

I'm pretty sure Mrs. Tanne's attorneys are going to have some pointed questions to ask of her estranged husband. Painful questions, even. Burning, itchy, irritated questions. Well, you get the idea.

(You know, because he got genital herpes. Apparently from someone other than his wife.)

Self-incrimination

You know you're a dumbass when you call the cops to report that you've been robbed and you're the one who they end up hauling off to jail:

A 28-year-old man reporting a burglary faces drug charges after responding officers say they found a marijuana pipe in his bedroom. A criminal complaint filed Tuesday said officers saw the pipe in plain view in Justin Luecke's bedroom and found marijuana stems and seeds in the living room.

The complaint said officers later returned with a search warrant and found additional marijuana as well as a scale and marijuana packaging.

He could face more than two years behind bars if he's convicted. Do you know what the moral of this story is, boys and girls? Short term memory loss is a bitch.

Veterans' Day

Today is a day to give thanks to everyone who has ever honorably served our country in uniform. Take some time out of your busy schedule today to do something nice, even if it's something small, like saying "thank you," to a veteran today. They deserve our gratitude, and so much more.

Funeral home

Everyone knows that it can be hard for some people to move on when a loved one dies, but even so, I'm pretty sure for most of us, it's probably easier than living with this kind of horror:

An elderly woman has been living with two skeletons and a badly decomposed body of her siblings in a suburb of Chicago, one of whom may have died at least 20 years ago, authorities said on Saturday.

The remains were found covered by sheets in various parts of the house in Evanston on Friday but no foul play was suspected.

Authorities said one of the siblings was last seen alive in the 1980s, the second in 2003 and the third in May.

God knows, I'm not the most popular guy in the world, but I'd like to think that if I hadn't been seen or heard from for five years (much less twenty!) somebody might actually notice that I was gone.

Thankfully, though, I'm pretty sure my brother wouldn't want to hang out with my rotting corpse for years. So I've got that going for me.

The family that drinks together...

...goes to jail together, apparently. Especially when they start showing up drunk at the police station to pick up a one-year-old boy:

A state trooper stopped a minivan for speeding early Saturday on U.S. 30 in Schererville in northwestern Indiana. He arrested the 24-year-old woman on a drunken driving charges.

The boy's father arrived later to pick him up, but officers determined he was intoxicated and also arrested him on a drunken driving charge.

Police said the boy's grandparents then arrived. Both of them also had been drinking, state police said, but the grandmother who was driving was not over the legal limit, so officers escorted them home with the child.

That kid's got a bright future. Just think of all the drinking games he's going to win twenty years from now. Quarters, beer pong, the sky's the limit.

(What, can't a guy try to put an optimistic spin on an awful story?)

That sucks

I found out last night that several of my favorite bartenders from my local watering hole have been accused of stealing from the joint and may lose their jobs, which sucks because they're the ones who often float me free dri—perhaps I've said too much.

No shirt, no pants, no service

You've got to love it when a story from real life is heaped with pile after pile of absurdities. Case in point:

A male Japanese air force major caught naked while shopping for women's underwear has been suspended from his duties for 10 days, a spokeswoman at his base said on Friday.

The man, on his way home from a late-night farewell party for a colleague in early September, stripped off his clothes behind a convenience store before going in and buying panties and pantyhose.

"He had just his wallet and his shoes on him," said the spokeswoman from the Matsushima air base in Miyagi, northern Japan.

"He thought it would be funny if he went into the store stark naked, that it would surprise people."

I would imagine he was probably right about that. Japan seems like a strange country, but I would imagine there aren't many male military officers there who shop for ladies underwear in the buff. At least I would hope not, anyway.

Trial of the century

You know, I could make a Polish joke here, but this is no laughing matter:

A Polish court Friday reprimanded two Polish women, including a model who has appeared in men's magazines, for indecent exposure after they sunbathed topless, a rarity in the deeply Catholic country.

"Showing nudity goes beyond social customs and norms in Poland," read part of the verdict issued by a court in Szczecin, northwest Poland. "Personal freedom ends where the freedom of another person begins."

"I completely respect the court's verdict, but at the same time I disagree with it and I will certainly appeal it," Dorota Krzysztofek, 28, told Poland's TVN24 news channel. She also said she would be contacting Poland's ombudsman, a civil rights watchdog.

[...]

In May, policemen fined Krzystofek and her 26-year-old friend for sunbathing topless on a public beach in Szczecin.

The women went to court after they failed to pay a fine of 150 zlotys (40 euros, 55 dollars).

The case of the two women -- one of whom is a model and has appeared topless in Polish men's magazines -- sparked such massive media interest that a first hearing in September had to be postponed when too many reporters turned up to fit into the court gallery.

Hmmmmmm...you wouldn't think a case involving a fine of the equivalent of 55 bucks would generate so much buzz. I mean, why would so many reporters turn out for something like that? Oh, right. Tits.

The two women also say that none of their fellow sunbathers were bothered by what they were doing. No, really?

Illegal tender

Like a man once said, fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life. Well, actually, I'm not sure if this guy is fat, but it sounds like he fits the other two categories:

A bartender told police the man was playing pool with an open bottle of beer and spilled some of it on the table. She said he first tried to pay his $32 tab with a credit card, which was declined.

When police arrived and ordered the man to pay his tab, they reported that he began counting out gum wrappers as if they were cash.

The cops were not amused by that stunt. And I'm pretty sure they weren't amused when he assaulted one of them, either, seeing as how they arrested him for that and disorderly conduct.

What did you expect for free?

Never look a gift thingy in the...er...yeah, I think I'll quit there:

Swedish health authorities have sparked controversy with their decision to supply free prosthetic penises that are not fully functional to transsexual men.

Ottar, a monthly magazine published by the Swedish Association for Sexuality Education, said the prosthetics will be available to women seeking to undergo a sex change operation starting Jan. 1, 2009, The Local reported Thursday.

The move was designed to promote equality due to the publicly funded wigs, breast implants and hair removal operations available for transsexual women.

However, some have criticized the plan because the prosthetic penises being offered by health authorities cannot be used to urinate and cannot become erect.

The article goes on to quote one such critic, a sexologist who says that they should hand out free prosthetic wangs that can get hard "because that is after all what penises do -- get erections." You can't argue with that, I guess, but I might point out that those penises tend to be on, you know, men.

These days, a man can't make a dishonest living

I may not be a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure I could have advised this guy that his legal strategy wasn't going to work:

A judge in Suffolk County, Mass., said while Robert Aldrich was cleared of robbery charges after spending several months in jail, the career criminal's claim he missed out on $4,000-a-month worth of home improvement work was questionable to say the least, The Boston Globe said Wednesday.

"Aldrich apparently found another way to support himself, and it was not doing home renovations," Suffolk Superior Judge Nancy Holtz wrote in her decision against Aldrich's compensation claim.

He claimed that he was doing work "under the table" to avoid paying taxes, which doesn't seem like a smart thing to tell a judge, but who am I to tell the guy to go about trying to get his money?

Oh, and what kind of work would he have been doing, had he not been locked up?

"The defendant is a career B&E (breaking and entering) man seeking compensation for burglaries he couldn't commit while locked up," spokesman Jake Wark told the Globe of Aldrich, who had numerous breaking and entering priors.

This Aldrich guy may not be really bright, but he sure has some big balls, huh?

Grand theft blotto

Getting trashed and driving is never a good idea, but this dumbass took it to a whole new level:

A North Pole man was surprised when police accused him of stealing a car from a gentleman club in Fairbanks. The man, 27, explained to officers that he was in his Chevy Cavalier. The only problem, police said, was that he was behind the wheel of a Ford Escort.

Police charged the man with auto theft, felony driving under the influence and misdemeanor drugs misconduct Police said his blood-alcohol content was .166, more than twice the legal limit.

Now, I've been known to have a few, mostly on the weekend or after a devastating election night landslide (see below), but I've never gotten blitzed enough to inadvertently swipe someone else's car. My neighbors will vouch for the fact that I stick to the occasional accidental home burglary.

So...

...I was out at a city council meeting during the better part of the evening. Did I miss anything important?

Oh, yeah. That. If anybody needs me, I'll be drinking heavily.

Election Day

I went to cast my vote earlier this morning. There wasn't a line, but the booths were pretty much full. Oh, and as for the "youth vote," I was the youngest person there. I'm in my early thirties.

Anyway, if you're registered, you should get out and vote. Otherwise, P. Diddy might come and get you...

What's in a name?

Something tells me that 19-year-old Brit George Garratt (well, formerly, anyway) is the kind of person who craves a lot of attention:

A British 19-year-old has officially changed his name to "Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined."

That's got to be the most ridiculous name I've ever seen. I mean, Batman is just an ordinary man and neither the Hulk or Wolverine is known for being very fast. Sheesh.

The teen said he used an online service to officially change his name for a $20 fee.

"I wanted to be unique," Captain Fantastic said of his name choice. "I decided upon a theme of superheroes."

No, really? You don't say. But you left out Obviousman.

Time to take away and throw away the key

When you get in a car accident and are subsequently arrested because you were driving drunk, it's time for some, er, sober reflection on what you've done. Well, that's true for most people, but I guess not for this dumbass:

Police say a central Pennsylvania man was arrested on drunken driving charges twice in less than six hours. The man's first arrest came just before 11 a.m. Sunday after police said his car hit the back of a stopped vehicle in Manheim Township, Lancaster County.

The man was arrested for suspected DUI. After he was processed, he was released to his girlfriend.

The man was arrested again just before 4 p.m. after police said a second accident happened after he turned left in front of another vehicle.

And after that one, they sent his drunk ass to jail. Somehow, I don't think his girlfriend would have come and picked him up again anyway.