It was mid September and my nesting urge was in full swing. Since we moved in two months ago, the room intended for the baby had become a dumping ground for just about everything, it seemed. I sat all day working to organize the baby's room. By evening, I could barely move because my back was in so much pain. I took a hot pad to bed and expected to sleep it off. I don't know if I slept at all that night, and that was the beginning of some of the most excruciating pain I've ever been in. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't walk, I couldn't sit. It was harrowing to brush my teeth. It didn't go away, in fact, it kept getting worse.
My Mom got very distressed by this situation and so my parents decided they would come here and help me. They were three hours down the road before they asked me if that was OK. They stayed for nearly three weeks. Through frequent chiropractic care, massage, acupuncture, cupping, and lots of ice packs, I gradually gained back some decent mobility. I never really found out exactly what was happening, due to the fact that I couldn't have any imaging done. I had a pinched nerve for sure, making it impossible for me to move my left leg or lay on that side. Which gave me only my right side as an option for sleeping. I could only lay on that side for small amounts of time because it was so much strain and weight in the same spot. The nights were long and miserable. I had to literally lift the baby with my hands while walking because I had so much pelvic pain that I could barely put one foot in front of the other by the time I'd been doing life for a few hours. It was a delicate balance of constantly changing positions, resting-but not too much rest- keeping ice on all the right places, and going to the chiropractor every 2 days.
Needless to say all this physical turmoil had not allowed me to prepare my house to have a baby in a way that my instincts and brain found acceptable. On Monday, November 2, I had an appointment with my midwife. Levi and I spent the few hours before runnings errands in the area in an attempt to keep tying up loose ends I wanted done. By the time I saw my midwife in the afternoon, I was hobbling and in a lot of pain. During this appointment she told me that the baby seemed to be in a posterior position. This news was just so disheartening to me. I had literally barely slept at all the night before, I didn't have things together like I wanted, my body was in high amounts of constant pain, and I hated knowing that I would be laboring against a malpositioned baby. She suggested I go home and do the Miles circuit- a set of movements designed to encourage the baby into a more favorable position. I am familiar with it and have been trained in it. However, I also know that doing these exercises can tip you into labor if you are on the edge. In talking with Braden at the end of the day, I decided that as much as I wanted to change his position, I just couldn't risk going into labor in the state I was in. I had been bustling around the house, fighting through the pain in order to get things done. Braden was baffled and couldn't understand my rush. He assured me we had weeks to get things done and that he could help me on another day. I wanted him to understand how much I needed everything done NOW, but I could tell that he could not wrap his brain around my urgency and emotions. He told me not to worry about it and just to go to bed because I could barely move and what I was doing was crazy. I went to lay down, dissatisfied at everything left undone, but physically completely in shambles. My bedtime prayer was a plea that I please, please, please not go into labor.
I woke up three hours later to an absolutely raucous contraction. It startled me awake and soon I had another one. In the next moment I realized I was completely soaked. My first thought was that my water had broken. Upon making it to the bathroom, I saw that my clothes were completely saturated in blood. I sat in the bathroom, my mind trying to take in the situation that I knew had drastically changed from what I was hoping, praying, and planning for. I immediately knew two things: 1) Birth was imminent, 2) It would not be the experience I was longing for. I had experienced a placental abruption with Levi, so I felt sure that was happening again. In an instant a wave of adrenaline coursed through me. I woke Braden up and told him I was bleeding and that I needed to call my midwife.
I described to her the situation and after listening for a minute, she said, "I'm sorry, Julie. But you'll have to go to the hospital". I told her I understood, of course, but I was crushed. I had spent the better part of that year in utter misery, but all the while dreaming about this peaceful home birth at the end of it all. I had envisioned this beautiful and sacred moment of bringing this baby to the earth, surrounded by his family and so much love. In an instant I knew all of that was gone and I was walking into a hospital where nobody knew me, I had a previous C-section, and a previous abruption.
I told Braden that we had to go to the hospital. He was also disheartened, mostly for me I think. He started to gather things for me because I was unprepared for this possibility. I gave him instructions as I worked to clean myself up, but contractions were coming strong and fast. It quickly became difficult to do anything besides get through the contractions. I saw Braden slip into Anabelle's room and tell her that things had changed, and that we were headed to the hospital. He told her that she was in charge of the kids. She came out and watched me as I walked in circles around the living room. I was progressing fast became consumed with the rigors of labor.
I asked Braden for his headphones so I could more fully embrace where I needed to be mentally. I told him I only wanted to hear Come Unto Jesus, by Madilyn Paige. This would be my labor mantra for this birth.
Come Unto Jesus
Plead for His love
And know that angels are near you up above
Come Unto Jesus
Careworn and fainting
He'll safely guide you
Unto that haven
Where all who trust in Him
Shall rest
I found deep respite in those words. They were more than words to me. They were promises. Promises that I believed and was clinging to and grasping after, with every bit of my faith. As the strength of the contractions grew and began to completely wash over me, I matched it with my belief in those promises that angels surrounded me. My heart and soul were open and I was silently pleading for Jesus to help guide me through this.
I knew from the last abruption I had that contractions do not stop. They peak in intensity but there is no break. I wanted a blessing but didn't know how we could do that. I told Braden just after a peak to do it fast. I sat briefly on the edge of the rocking chair. It was short but comforting. He told me that I would have help from the other side of the veil.
I quickly resumed my slow walking, deep breathing, and leaning into the promises of my song. I had Braden hook me up to my tens unit. I walked, slowly, groaning low and rythmically as I went. Braden had given Anabelle charge over his phone so she could keep my song on repeat. I was hot and threw my shirt on the couch. I asked her for a cold rag for my head. And then a few minutes later for ice chips. At about this time, Braden said we were ready to go. He opened the front door and waited for me to follow him. But I just stopped. I knew that I was close to having this baby. Aside from wondering how I could survive the throes of labor in the car, I knew I was probably walking into a c-section if I went to the hospital. I paused and said aloud that I did not want to leave. I told Braden I just had to call my midwife one more time and ask if she would come.
Once she answered, I explained to her that if she would be willing to come, I was sure I could have the baby in half an hour if she would just break my water. She was silent for a minute and then asked if this is what I really wanted. I assured her that it was. She slowly agreed to come, and told me that she would be there in 20 minutes, along with a nurse. A wave of emotional relief rolled through me.
I knew I had progressed well and that I was nearing transition. Short of the usual cervical reports that accompany labor, I knew with my whole being, with a knowing that belongs only to birth, that this baby was close. Everything is heightened- pain, awareness, strength, emotions. I like to think of myself as a literal portal, connecting heaven and earth for a brief moment. I find it interesting to note that "transition", the last part of labor before the baby is born, where the physical body is in its final stage of becoming completely open, where the last parts of tissue must "get out of the way", is the most difficult. It is just so very intense. Our language does not have a word that fully captures that process. But we use the word transition. I feel that it is not just a miniscule movement of skin, tissue, and bone-although it is- but also a transition of spirit. The body must change to receive this new spirit, and to become the bridge to life. It is harrowing work, but wholly necessary to make room for what is coming.
I continued my slow walk in the circle of our kitchen and living room. Anabelle and Braden were around, but I was focused so intently on what I was doing that I had only a loose awareness of their presence. Braden asked if he should fill up the birth pool but I didn't think we had time. My sense of time is obscured by the intensity of the experience. It doesn't even feel possible to attach a time table to this experience from my perspective. But in hindsight it had been a little over an hour since I had awoken.
Soon the nurse arrived and then the midwife. Upon seeing me, the midwife recognized immediately how far along I was and told me to get to wherever I wanted to be to deliver. I painfully made my way up the stairs and out the balcony to my room. I was so hot and the cold, November air was a solid relief. The midwife didn't want the room to be cold for the baby so she was hoping I would stop going out. The nurse and midwife quickly made several requests of Anabelle- rags, a bowl of warm water, towels, blankets- they went to work setting up for the birth. It was just like my favorite show, Call the Midwife. They used her as a birth assistant and her eyes were wide with excitement.
She took some vitals and saw that all was well with baby. This felt good for all of us to hear. I agreed to a cervical check and we learned that I was dilated to 9 cm. That was amazing and great to hear. It had been an absolutely wild hour and it was incredibly gratifying to know how truly productive it had been.
Soon my body began to heave involuntarily as I was leaning on a stool. When that happens I know it's go time. I decided, for the first time ever to adopt a standing position for pushing. I had been taught all the benefits of upright pushing and was so grateful to be in my bedroom and have the autonomy to do this. Anabelle was sitting on the floor to the side of me. I asked her if she wanted to catch the baby- something I was not at all previously planning on. She said no, she was good with taking pictures.
I stood and waited, expecting this baby to come rocketing out of me and follow the pattern of the ferocious labor. But there was a lull. I also knew that this could happen but I didn't expect it. When the contractions came, it just didn't feel like it usually did. I was pushing but without the feeling of descent I was used to. It felt like wasted effort. It felt ineffective. After a few minutes of this I was a little confused because I never have trouble pushing. The midwife listened to his heart and reported that it was low with contractions but came back up after it was over. That is normal and I maintained my focus of trying to get him out. After a few more, she said his heart rate was not coming back up and that it was too low. Her voice became serious and she said he needed to be born. I took it in but did not feel panic. One more and she said he needed to get out. She urged me to get on my back, even though she knew I didn't want to deliver that way. Once I was on the bed Anabelle felt safer to catch the baby and said she had changed her mind. I pushed with all the might and strength I could possibly summon. Still it felt that he was stuck. She listened again to his heart- 40 bpm. Her voice became urgent and her words were sharp and deliberate, "Julie! Get him out! Now!" I looked up to see Braden's face full of terror, then over to Anabelle to see the same. The nurse was in the corner of the room, praying. The midwife told her to prepare for resuscitation. The nurse seemed frozen. The midwife said it again, loud and with urgency. I was aware of the climate in the room. It was this way for ten minutes. I knew the situation was dire. But somehow, I was insulated from the fear. I never felt the panic. I knew the baby was okay, but it was clear that I was the only one. The blessing had assured me of that. I also felt the weight of being the only one in the room who could actually get him out, and I knew with all of my being that I was going to do whatever I had to do for that happen. With the next contraction I pushed in a way that felt like my body was very literally ripping apart.
Anabelle caught him and handed him to me. I instantly laid him on my chest and kissed his wet head full of squiggles of dark hair. In an absolutely overwhelming moment of pain, relief, joy, elation, and more pain, I breathed in the fact that I had done it. His heart rate and color were good, his apgar was an 8. He was here, in my arms, and everything was okay. It is next level mental relief to be on the other side of a birth. To know that you expended yourself in an indescribable way, in partnership with Heaven is truly breathtaking.
Holding his warm, wet little body as he snuggled into me was a feeling of gratitude I just cannot describe.
A few days later, the nurse came back to check on me. She said she wanted to talk to me about something now that things were settled. She talked about those minutes when she didn't know if the baby was going to make it, and how scared she was. She prayed for me and she prayed for the baby, as she stood, paralyzed with fear in the corner of my room. She said she looked around the room and could see the unanimous terror on everyone's face. Except mine. She said I seemed peaceful. She wondered how, in the face of these dire circumstances, I could have remained calm. She said she had been thinking about it and wanted to know how. I thought about it briefly and wondered how I could convey to her the experience of the priesthood blessing I had received. I explained to her that my husband had said a prayer with me and I was given the knowledge and felt strongly through this prayer that the baby was safe. She seemed to like that, and further shared that she prays for God to send her only to the births that she is really supposed to attend. She said "you could really feel the presence of the Lord in your home. I could feel your worship of Him through your labor". That is perhaps one of the best things someone has ever said to me. She asked about the song that Anabelle kept playing for me. I sent her the link so she could listen to it later, along with a little prayer that perhaps this might open up the door to share the gospel with her.
In the hours after his birth I was in a different state than I'm used to. I didn't feel that chemical oxytocin high that I have come to love. I felt pretty low, emotionally and physically. The birth was so fast and so furious. The pushing so body-shattering. I felt some disappointment at not having the peaceful water birth that I had dreamt of. I wanted it to be spiritual. I wanted to feel the thinning of the veil. After my conversation with the nurse, it helped me to realize that although it didn't look like what I had envisioned, my prayers had indeed been answered. I came to understand that I had received help from the other side of the veil. I had been given peace in a moment where I should have felt panic. I had been given knowledge and assurance and confidence. I am sure that I was attended by family on the other side.
McKay's birth stands as a solid reminder that prayers are answered, help will come, and peace is always possible-even in the darkest times.
I learned through a series of blessings throughout my pregnancy that Mckay's coming to our family was no mistake. It was happenstance and it wasn't an accident. He has always been mine. I suffered mightily to bring him here. The pregnancy was and birth was difficult in so many ways. To have this baby in my arms, safely cradled on my chest, was a feeling more meaningful than I can possibly describe.