I Thought I Saw A Man Brought To Life

I realised that I'm getting vainer about my outside than about my inside. I'm turning into the kind of people I despise, the kind of Christian that cares about their outward look above their inner state and their relationship with God. If I had to, I'll give this all up, but I don't have to. I just have to work at the relationship, work at the guidebook to the relationship, work with the matchmaker to the relationship.

nothing's fine I'm torn
I'm all out of faith
this is how I feel
cold and I am shamed
lying naked on the floor
illusion never changed
into something real
I'm wide awake and
I can see the perfect sky is torn
you're a little late
I'm already torn

Let it not be too late for me tonight Lord. Let it not be too late.

I'm Dreaming Of A Light Christmas

Today is Christmas, and I screwed it up. The whole day. Every moment of it. I'm turning into one of those ranters, those emo kids who are so wrapped up in their own problems, where their own problem is so big that they never see the larger picture, they never the see the picture where what they did can be apologised for, forgiven, and relationships mended. They never see the picture where other people are involved in the process, where other people are hurt by their thoughtless actions, they never see. Open my eyes, God. Open my eyes this Christmas. I want to see as you see, think as you think, feel as you feel, and most importantly, do as you do. Forgive me for what I cannot do, for what I will not do, for what I have not done. Give me the strength this Christmas...

I spent the Christmas countdown with the most important person in my life. 11.30, and I was still walking around, finding a bus that didn't take as long as 700A. Finally found the Esplanade bus-stop, and ending up missing the bus. I was disappointed, questioning God about His plans for me that day. I doing something nice, going the extra mile, and because of that, coupled with desire to arrive early to countdown with the others, missed the last bus. That...feeling that threatened to spill over into bitterness festered in my heart, questions floating around my head like little insects buzzing annoyingly that just won't go away.

Right then, in, I decided to take out my iPod for a spin. Taking it out, I found a candy cane, with a red peg. It was the one Mikki gave us before service as a mini-Christmas gift. That touched my heart, and through that peg, through the love action behind the peg, faith and hope begun to revive in my heart. At around the same time, I passed by a random group of people singing. I thought they were singing some pop song at first, but it turned out that they were singing praise songs. Those two events really motivated me. "God will provide" I told KY, and indeed although I reached the countdown an hour and a half late, I had a great time on the train, listening to my christian music and just enjoying the time I had with God.

It was pretty fun, but I shouldn't have stayed. I had bussing at 9.30, and I shouldn't have stayed. That was certainly not wise. I did get a nudge about it, but I ignored it all too easily. I shouldn't have stayed. I lost my wallet then. I think I left it at the coffeeshop, or at the playground. I couldn't find it the next morning. Everything went downhill from there. I let it. I let my emotions overwhelm me. I turned off my phone, didn't show up for bussing, didn't show up for service, slept and played the day away. I let a lot of people down today. Most of all, I let God down today.

There are 2 and a half hours left till Christmas ends. Can things change? Can I start restoring relationships, building bridges I've burnt today? Christmas is a season of hope. Hope in the restoring blood of Jesus, hope that things will change for the better.

Jermaine is right. Probing questions, she asks. A change in mindset is needed, which is of course the hardest thing to change. Funny huh. We seek to control the world, bringing it into submission through landscaping, climate control, artificial barriers to keep nature out, artificial barriers to keep nature in. All these, when the hardest to control is actually our inner world. How neat is your city today, Bowen? How many half-built buildings? How many apparently solid buildings built on sand, how many buildings with glistening facades, but rotting inside? Why are there slums at the side of your city, high concrete barriers keeping them out of sight? Their filth overflows into your life, threatening everything you want to believe in, everything you want to live for. What can you do about them this Christmas, Bowen?

Right now, my SMARTER 2009 goal card is on the floor. I'll do it tonight, think and pray about it. I owe an explanation and apology to everyone involved. It's not so big, but it's not small. I'll get it done.

My wallet, I haven't told my parents about it. I don't know how to. I just bought it, spent quite a bit of their money on it, and now I tell them that I've lost it? Actually, I do know how to, it just that I don't dare to. I don't want to face the music, clinging on to the hope that it'll appear somewhere. Will it? It's up to God I guess.

I am tired this Christmas. I never liked Christmas. I never liked holidays where other people celebrate. It makes me feel alone. Let this Christmas be different. Let this Christmas be full of light. God bless, and to all, a good night.

Glory To Our King, Strength And Majesty

Bah, I think too much and overanalyse. Apparently the belowmentioned didn't realise anything. Ah well.

Thanks go out to Jermaine! I forgot my keys, and my phone was out of battery. I didn't want to wake the house up, so I fired up my laptop and started doing "wireless tai-chi" to try to get my house wireless connection. Got it after a few tries, and messaged Jermaine to sms my sister to help me open the door. She offered to call instead, and the day was saved. My sister hadn't slept yet, thank God. And neither had Jermaine, thank God too. It's friends like this who, without even asking, risk the wrath of a maybe sleeping sister to get you where you need to be. Hurrah for Jermaine!

Today was cool, hung out with and helped Mikki Charis, Bee Leng and Rayvin with a small project. Hanging out with leaders really teaches you a lot about how things could be. Their attitude towards a project, their single-minded dedication tempered with tremendous flexibility, their care and concern, their edification of each other. I learnt my lessons today... Thank you Mikki Charis, Bee Leng and Rayvin!

Please Forgive Me, For I Know Not What I Did

Eh, with friends like me, I know now why it's a waste of time to go on MSN. If you're reading this, sorry!

Two Thousand (Not Three Hundred)

Ha! This is something new. Sometimes, when my computer is revoked, I do blogging on paper. I did one a while back. Time to let you see my scrawl!

This one was done during service. I remember feeling horrid... Interestingly, still pretty focused on God in my valley...kinda lost that.

 

I liked that. Read it through... Love pulls my faith to greater heights.

Ah, well, there's a time for everything, says my sister, and now is not the time for blogging. She's right.

'L' is for the way you Look at me

Ah yes, Christmas and how I feel about it. As promised.

I've never...liked Christmas. I always feel pretty depressed when Christmas nears. My sister was pretty quick to accurately point out that it's because I also pass lonely Christmases. Christmas before I came to church was...watching TV. I even crossed into the new year watching some silly vampire show. I didn't have a social life then. I still don't, not a very functional one. Maybe this year I'll go out with my CG members again.

Sometimes, I feel slightly sad that I don't have such an exciting social life like the people around me. I'm around people like Mikki, Jasmine, Naresh, Fa Jin. These people know how to rock it, in and out of church. They know their way around the day crowds and the night scenes in Singapore. I don't. I sense a slight inferiority complex. That's why I'm still grappling with the Cultural Mandate. Do I have to be like them to be relevant, or can I do it my own way.?All the "cool kids" in church are hip and cool, dress well, attend parties. Or am I just looking at this through the wrong type of glasses? Maybe I'm looking through the world's glasses. Maybe I shouldn't even been looking through any glasses at all. What does God see in me? What does God want me to be? Who does God want me to be? Is God okay with my occasional social awkwardness, or is am I to become a socialite like so many other church people? Or am I somewhere in between, ok in most social situations? Isn't there room for difference? Is it a bad difference, or a good difference?

I know that the Cultural Mandate states that you have to be relevant to the marketplace in so many different ways, with fashion being only a subset. However, what I see people around me do shapes what I do. Monkey see, monkey do. Church people are no different. If Pastor Kong changes his fashion style, everyone will start adopting his style. I'm not saying that it's bad. Church people are supposed to be conformists, anyway. We're called to conform to the example of Jesus Christ. I dunno. This is a pretty bitter post, I'd think, but it's been festering inside for a long time, ever since I've come to church. Now that it's out, maybe I'll have some answers.

Ha, just went through what I typed. Maybe there's isn't a lot of logic in it. Plenty of emotion though, and...I can't be a perfectly logical person all the time.

Feel like crap. Full of gunk. For all you kids out there, when you stop praying, and stop reading the Bible, and stop doing your quiet time, you're slowly sinking into the water on the way to Jesus. You don't realise it, but with every step, you plant your feet lower and lowever into the waves. *Ploomp* It's up to your shoelaces now. *Ploomp* It's up to your knees. *Ploomp* Your waist. *Ploomp* Chest. *Ploomp* You start sucking in water, knowing full well that you just needed to pull yourself together and refocus on Jesus, but you kept walking and walking and walking, and now you're drowning, waves coming in high and fast over your head. "What happened?", you think, "Why didn't Jesus save me?" You killed yourself, sonny. I'm sorry to say that you conciously killed yourself every step of the way, consistently making the wrong choices, doing the wrong things, saying the wrong words, everything at the wrong timing. You killed yourself.

Thank God for grace, but I wonder how far it stretches. I remember the verse

For if we sin willfully after we have received the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a certain fearful expectation of judgment, and fiery indignation which will devour the adversaries. Anyone who has rejected Moses’ law dies without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. Of how much worse punishment, do you suppose, will he be thought worthy who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, counted the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified a common thing, and insulted the Spirit of grace? For we know Him who said, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. And again, “The LORD will judge His people.” It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.

(Hebrews 10:26-31 NKJV)

I remember when Charmaine shared that verse with us during Bible Study. I was so humbled. How do I describe the feeling... All the while I've been living on God's grace as if it was...of no cost. The thought of suddenly being cut off freaked me out. It still does, to a certain extent. Maybe I've been around it too much, and have taken it for granted.

But recall the former days in which, after you were illuminated, you endured a great struggle with sufferings: partly while you were made a spectacle both by reproaches and tribulations, and partly while you became companions of those who were so treated; for you had compassion on me in my chains, and joyfully accepted the plundering of your goods, knowing that you have a better and an enduring possession for yourselves in heaven. Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise:
“ For yet a little while,
And He who is coming will come and will not tarry.
Now the just shall live by faith;
But if anyone draws back,
My soul has no pleasure in him.”

But we are not of those who draw back to perdition, but of those who believe to the saving of the soul.

(Hebrews 10:32-39 NKJV)

Can't say that I fully understand the following verses' implications, but I guess it'll be revealed through time, experience, and maybe just thinking a little about it. My confidence has great reward. I'm a warrior, adept with the plow, ready to be called at any time. Play on.