Up In My Lonely Room, When I'm Dreaming Of You

April 21st since my last post. Hah, it's been a while.

Suddenly I see...

I like that song. Just watched the OC. I want to live in a nice place, find a nice girl, go to UCB. Then again, I'm just projecting my current...state of apathy. Is that the word? Projecting? My current state longs for a lifestyle that seems easy, beautiful, effortlessly graceful because of the current mess my life is in now.

I fail at being an adult. No matter how many times you scold, remind, nag, a young child will never learn the meaning of responsibility, of actions and subsequent consequences. His or her actions will be shaped around that ideal, but it's always an external moulding factor, not some intrinsic belief of the child. It's like that with me. I've reached a stage where I'm supposed to have developed a sense of independence, of responsibility, a certain level of maturity.

I can't seem to act. I don't know how to put this, I think I've posted about this before. I know what's coming. I know I'm destroying my life. I know I'm going to get expelled from poly. I know that I'll eventually get thrown out of the house. I know that Shaun helps people who want to change, and he'll eventually get tired of my shenanigans and give up on me. I know when that happens, I'll most probably kill myself. I can't handle that, not now. Thing is, it doesn't motivate me to move. Not for any extended period of time. I told Shaun before that I only learn when I'm staring at Death in the face. I'm not sure if that works anymore. I'm getting sleep deprivation onset symptoms I think, I'm not blogging coherently. 32nd hour now I believe. I know what's good for me, I just can't do it. It's like freezing when a car is speeding towards you. You know what's coming, but you just can't move. It's like death in slow motion.

What keeps every other person in the world going? They have something I don't, obviously. An inner drive, I guess.

I have an inner drive. My ego is huge. I want to be a musician, to be a good guitarist, not in the sense of playing Though the Fire and the Flames by Dragonforce. Not to be a good technical guitarist, but a...musician. To be able to flow in music. I want to be the smartest person around. I've always wanted to learn french. The greek alphabet, of which I know know Alpha, Omega, Elipson, Kappa, something like that. I want to know my school materials inside out, and to know even more then that. I want to take a double diploma. I want to study psychology at the side, and to write my first paper in psychology before I leave school. I want to learn how to love people. I want to know what it means to be interested in someone, to love someone, not in a eros way, but in a phileo way, an agape way. I want to have friends, real friends that I can call and not feel uncomfortable about. While I'm at it, I want to get into a relationship, doesn't have to be anything serious, just an experience that may or may not blossom. I want to be on fire for God. I want to be a healer, I believe I've been called in this area. I want to rise up in church. I want to take a visitation group. I want to take a fruitful connect group. I want to read the whole Bible through, and know all my major events and minor trivia of the Bible. I want to cycle 42 km. I want to go exercising again. I want to organise something for the school. I want to get into medicine school. I want a degree in Psychology. I want to be a psychiatrist. I want a nice Prius, or whatever hybrid electric cars they have in the future. I want new headphones so I can hear my bass and the notes that are plucked on the rhythm guitar. I want to learn how to sleep polyphasically, on the Everyman schedule. I want a set of formal that I can proudly wear on formal events. I want a haircut, the barber comes back from holiday tomorrow. I want respect from my peers. I want a camera so I can take pictures of all the crazy quirky things I occasionally find. I want respite from this crushing despair. I want a spine so I can do the things I want. I want my parents to be more supportive, sometimes. I want to love myself. I want to have enough money to bless people. I've always had the dream of giving my sister a Mini Cooper. She loves them, and I want to give her one of her own. I want to send someone to SoT. I want to be at the financial stage where someone says, "No money" and I can reply with a "No worries". I want to love and be loved.

There are so many many things I want. Can I even do anything about them? I can, but it's going to take a lot of effort. Am I up to it? I'm feeling the sleep dep now. Lightheadedness. I'll go down to 7-11 to grab some food. Guess I'll splurge for today. Be back later. Stay cool, Rachel.