20 days since I last blogged. Why do I blog? Why do people blog? I guess for me, I blog with a hidden hope that someone will read, that someone will understand, that someone will get to know me better through this blog. Thoroughly self-centred. Why hidden, you ask. Good question. I want to know what it's like to love and be loved. Consistent love. Love that consumes, not a small flame that scorches my heart and conscience once in a while. A big and strong flame. I learnt in Bible study today that whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love 1 John 4:8. KY in her blog laments about not knowing the way. I know what to do. Pray and fast. Seek God with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. I know all these. Knowing is not enough. I don't do all these. Why?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Just feel like screaming it out. Suddenly, a lot of pent up emotions are arising. I guess Christianity is about the choices you make. If so, I think I just chose to go to Hell. That's defeatist thinking, isn't it? That's the devil speaking, not me. Even now, he puts doubt into my mind. I refuse to believe that I'm that kind of person. God made me whole. Not perfect, but good enough for him. I've got to lean on God even more. I need to love myself more. On Christ the solid rock I will stand.
Love. I don't know what else to say. It's just so important. Love for God, love for Man.
I'm tired. Good night.
Wednesday, 20 February 2008
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