It's been a long time. Many things have happened. Events that never should have been came to pass, events that were taken for granted never appeared. Why, God? I already know the answer I guess. My Bible-reading plan hasn't been touched. I haven't fasted this month, haven't really prayed as much as I should. Mere actions, I guess. I don't love you as much as I used to. I need my first love back. I remember when I used to love reading the Bible. I would be thinking about what I read the whole day. Discuss tricky concepts with Shaun. I remember praying fervently for my everyday life, my problems, my family, cell group, church. I remember you coming right into my room. I can't back out now, not after I have partook of the milk, of the bread of you have set before me. I can't run away from you, for where can I go? Who am I kidding when I play to numb my mind. You're just sitting there, waiting for me. That's what I can't understand. Why wait for me? I am nothing, nobody. Utterly worthless and contemptible in numerous ways. Yet you came in and showed me your love, your mercy, your power. Every single time I fall from you, you there, just waiting for me to get my act together. Most times, you even set me up, Breakaway Camp, church services. That's what I'm frustrated about. I can't live it out. I can't live out the Christian life. I've often thought about whether I really want to do this, on how much I really value my salvation. If I can do this so often, maybe I'm not cut out for this. Maybe on a subconscious level, I somehow don't care. That's the Devil speaking, I think. He has come to kill, steal, and destroy, and will stop at nothing to bring me away from You. Go away.

My sister's disappointed. I can feel it. I'm underperforming. I'm at least equal to her in inherent intelligence, but while she has sowed hard work, late nights, sweat, tears, and blood into her potential, I have squandered my fortune away. Now, left with nothing, I look back and attempt to come up with logical reasons why I can't go to JC. I didn't work hard enough. I could, but I didn't. I didn't care enough. I think I'm missing a care gene somewhere. I just don't care. I have to make an effort to care. Guess that's normal. I guess then I'm too lazy to care then. I'm certainly programmed for laziness. My best guess is that my mother's iron grip on my studies wasn't the best environment for cultivating the habits of independent study. That's under circumstance. What's inside is apathy, plain and simple. I never learn. I don't care. How can I change that? I have to decide that something is worth caring for. I think that logical reasons for caring don't work for me. Everything I should care about is logically obvious and strong supported, but I find that what I care about most is what I'm emotionally convicted of. Ha, just had a conversation with Mark,

-B- ¿porqué te vas? says (2:44 AM):
surprisingly, people with my intellect have already done all the thinking
-B- ¿porqué te vas? says (2:44 AM):
pros, cons, everything
-B- ¿porqué te vas? says (2:44 AM):
we're through with the logical side
-B- ¿porqué te vas? says (2:44 AM):
it's the emotional side we struggle with
-B- ¿porqué te vas? says (2:44 AM):
actually doing it
-B- ¿porqué te vas? says (2:44 AM):
well
-B- ¿porqué te vas? says (2:44 AM):
(I speak for me)
-B- ¿porqué te vas? says (2:45 AM):
logic to me is natural
-B- ¿porqué te vas? says (2:45 AM):
but it becomes... detached
-B- ¿porqué te vas? says (2:45 AM):
logic becomes a mere exercise of the mind which fails to impact me

Right after I typed out the above statement. Interesting, as I told Mark, seems to be an ongoing theme in my life.

Ah yes! I have a few revelations I should share. I'll always remember Pastor Kong sharing on sharing revelations with others being the key to his numerous revelations from God. I'll going to pass on what I believe God told me, so as the keep the flow.

Ah yes, a couple I wrote down. "His love for us is unconditional, so should our love for him." This is the one I'm not sure about. Unconditional love for God. How unconditional? If Jesus hadn't died for us, would we still love God? God-level love? Or as unconditional as our human hearts allow us? I'll really have to think about this one. I'm pretty sure it's from God though, so I'll stick it on the list.

"Being a maturing Christian doesn't mean that I don't feel negative emotions, it's recognising them and putting God in control." This was a particular spiritual eye opener for me. I felt guilty everytime I lost my temper or felt down about something. I felt like I was letting God down by not living up to the Christian ideal. Now I think it's about putting God in control, and I believe that slowly as God takes control of that negative emotion, He'll lessen the occurrences and intensity of future encounters.

I realise that I'm switching tenses like nobody's business, and wonder if my post is grammatically sound. I think it's kinda ok on a micro level, but not really consistent on a macro basis.

Continue this some other time I guess. Pretty tired now. God bless.

A Still Small Voice

Then He said, “Go out, and stand on the mountain before the LORD.” And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.

-1Kings 19:11-12

Beautiful. God reminded me of this passage, that often we should not be overly focused on the large things, on the falling under the power, of the pins and needles, of the intense emotion. Isn't he being there enough? Sure, he'll come like a rushing wind, like an earthquake, like a fire. Those are good, and we should always look forward to it, but does it mean that we're not doing well if we don't get them everyday? Isn't God, that still small voice enough? Just because it's small doesn't mean that it's not as powerful, not as life-changing as a more intense manifestation. God should be enough. Just God.

But God Saved the Day!

What what... So many things, so little time.

Revelation, procrastination, music, God, life, love. Hrm. Procrastination first I guess.

Congrats Bowen, you just busted through all your deadlines for the first week of Bible-reading, prayer and fasting. What to do now? Write it out. Use the board Amelie gave you. Hrm, I have no whiteboard marker. I'll have to go out tomorrow to get one.

Hiatus! I spelt that "Haitus". Meh, my vocabulary isn't too bad, but my spelling is atrocious. I spelt "atrocious" correctly! Hurrah! Procrastination... I'll have to do my quiet time again today. Softer, this time. My sister was complaining about the volume of my praise and worship... Bwahaha, not too verbose today. Interesting. What happened? Less emo, less emo to be emo. You don't know me, you don't even careeee, I say, you don't know me, you don't wear my... lip-shade? *Shrug* That's what I heard. Nice song. Ahaha, I write for me I guess. I used to try to write for other people, write what they might like. Now I couldn't care less. =P

Revelation. Mmm. I realised that I've been missing a vital part of the love of Jesus. I've been aware of the depth of love. "For God so loved the world". I didn't realise that there's two parts, depth and breadth. He loves deeply, he loves us all. All. Every single one of us. That's equally as hard as loving deeply. I guess for most of us, at one point of another in our lives we will experience what it is like to love someone so deeply to give up what is most precious for you for the other person, whether it be marriage, parenthood, friendship, God. What precious few of us can achieve would be a love for everyone. I mean everyone. You've got to love... the taxi cab uncle. That vagrant on the street. You don't even know the person. Hrm, moot for Jesus, as he knew all of us before we were born, but still... Love, deep love, all-encompassing love. Amazing. Read this article on the human brain and how's it wired for living in societies. As we go up the ladder of evolution, brains become bigger and bigger. At the top, Deity level, I guess it's natural that He loves all. Interesting.

Also, I believe in evolution. I believe that God created the world, but evolution had also occurred. I'm not sure how to integrate the both, but I believe in both. I believe that they aren't mutually exclusive. I haven't done a study on it yet, I... guess I've never been challenged in this area. *Shrug*, I'll think I'll leave it as that. Anyone offended, or who otherwise wants to debate on this subject can leave comments below.

Music! Gimmie by Britney Spears. *Shrug* Brainless music. Not too bad, something I would listen to to lose myself. I've been practising on Liang Kai's guitar! Fingertips kinda hurt now. Ah well, practice makes perfect! I've expanded my repertoire to the Pink Panther theme song, I'll Be There For You by The Rembrants from the TV show Friends. Still tiny, but it'll get bigger! I should hunt around for a simple Canon. Perhaps Iris too. I used to *really* like that song. Still do, but no longer obsessed.

I've got a theory. My posts have been getting shorter. This corresponds with a general increase in going out, talking and interacting with people. Thus, there seems to be a negative correlation between post length and time spent interacting on other people. However, as any statistics student will tell you, correlation does not equate to causation. Time spent outside with friends may or may not be the cause of shorter post lengths. Also, I've got a hypothesis, not a theory. As my interaction with friends increase, my post length and general emotional content of each post will decrease due to me satisfying my emotional needs outside. Only time will tell.

Hrm, Snow ((Hey Oh)) by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers sounds really like Californiacation by the same band. The singing style. The melody. Heheh, I ran out of things to blog about.

Haha, I just ran my blog though Microsoft Word spellcheck and did a word count at the same time. Number one complaint from MS Word was "Fragment" Too many potentially confusing sentence fragments out there. Heh, really sums me up. Very... random, fragmented. Incoherent at times. Perhaps that's how smart people work. Although I'm not sure if I'm smart. I was pretty secure in my intelligence in RI, but I seem to have... lost touch of things. My English is starting to really suck, spoken English especially. How do I maintain a high standard of English in a not-so-conducive environment? I don't want to lose my smarts. It's all I have going for me.

I just saw a post opening in the new Ferris wheel attraction in Singapore. They need ushers with at least 1 year of crowd control experience. Ushering in Church meets these requirements pretty well. Ministry work can be put on your resume and CVs. Someday, I can put x years of experience of working with children in a demanding and fast paced environment in my resume.

Cool stuff. Hrm, come to think about it, the post. not really that short after all. Well within standard deviation, I'd think. Ah well, sleepy time! *Yawn*

Sleep tight, everyone. Love you people! God bless, till next time.

I've seen a Cat without a Smile, but never a Smile without a Cat

Ah yes. C.S Lewis is fuel to my fire.

*Notes to self to get *all* his books*

*Even Alice in Wonderland*

*I like Alice in Wonderland*

Evolutionary theory. How do I integrate the Bible and evolution. Are both mutally exclusive? A major stumbling block. Haha, oh yeah, I think about it because of the Red Queen theory I read about in "The Lost World" by Michael Crichton. Dunno if it really exists, The Lost World's a work of fiction. It's about how the Red Queen runs as fast as she can, just to stay where she is. If they don't move, they move backwards. It's just like evolution, where each organism has to evolve as fast as they can just to maintain their ecological niche's king-of-the-hill status. It's like life, really. If you stand still, the world moves around you, and you move backwards. The only way to stay where you are in life is to run, run as fast as you can. Only then can you maintain the status quo. Doesn't apply to Christians, methinks. We're out of that race. Now it's more of a.. walk. A guided tour. Listen to the guide, stay on the narrow path kind of walk. It's still hard work, but we get ahead. We move. Haha, that was a bit forced. Ah well. I will have to debate further, myself, God, Shaun, anyone who cares about the truth.

Shorter and shorter. RSI?

Hrm. Interesting day. My first initiated dinner & night out. It felt good, most of it. Things were a bit.. wierd(?) ... maybe tense(?). I don't know, no flow, but as it went on it got much better. Had fun, felt good. Felt loved, and I'm sure they did too. Something is changing. I can feel the shift. I can do this after all. I can talk to people. I can carry an event. I just have to do it. Thank you Daddy, you gave me strength to do this. I should do this more often. I met Edward on the train just now, really saw another side of him, a side that works really hard, but still tries to make time for Samantha. It really changed my opinion about him. I never really... thought about him much. This meeting fleshed him out, made him more then just another person I meet at cell group. Thanks Edward.

Some hiccups to work out, certainly, but I can do this. I can love. I'm just not used to it. Perhaps I don't recognise the feeling of loving. It's like living in the world, and suddenly someone tells you, "That's red". Suddenly you see red everywhere. You never had a word for it, thus it didn't really exist to you. I have a word for the warm fuzzy feeling inside. It's called "Love". I like it. It's different from having a crush, or liking a girl. It's not so... intense. I dunno. I'll have to learn to recognise the feeling. I feel it in church too. God's love. It's really really thick in church. Sometimes. Lately I seem to have lost it. Some of it. I want to get more of that love.

Suddenly a lot of small things don't matter anymore. Their pettiness surfaces when put next to love. It doesn't really matter. It's ok. Faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love. Paul, I believe. I begin to understand. Show me more!

Money doesn't really play a very important role. Time does. I can't buy the experience of Jermaine and Jazz freaking out in a dark forested area, I can't buy the experience of sitting precariously together on top of a playground structure and talking. I can buy gifts, but that isn't all. I used to think that was it, if I didn't give, I didn't really love. I do give, but perhaps the best gifts don't cost me anything. Not really, come to think of it. The best gifts cost me my life. When I spend time with other people, I give them a little bit of me. The same way, I carry around me bits of Shaun, of Mikki, of Liang Kai, of Naresh. Of God. Thus, we become more and more like God as we spend time with Him. Hrm, interesting on how that fits in. Perhaps I just keep stumbling on obvious truths that everyone knows. Ah well, at least I know now!

Hrm. I'm reminded of the song.

I love you, sweet Jesus,
I love you, my Lord.
I'll give up all I have,
In exchange for more of you.
I'm more of you and less of me.

Something like that. More of Jesus, more of God, more of the Holy Spirit, less of me. I'm dead, but for Christ who lives in me. He's the source of everything I am, everything I can do, everything I will do. Now to put it into practice. I haven't forgotten about the board, about the prayer, about the fasting, about the building fund, last week's tithe and offering, the weekly Bible reading. I haven't forgotten. Don't forget me Lord, I need you.

Substantially Shorter

Aha, procrastination in action! Haven't really done anything of worth in the past few day, save for visitation today and dinner with Shaun yesterday.

Shaun challenged me to step out of my comfort zone. Meet people. Go easy on the gaming. Read the Bible. Listen to the CDs he lent me. Finish the Smith Wigglesworth book he lent me.

I'm losing fire. I'm become lukewarm. What to do now, I guess. Pray and fast, read the Bible, talk to God. Focus on Him. Easy to some, maybe even natural. Not so me. I worry about so many things. All of them not important. None of them are as important as my relationship with God. He's the only reason, must always be. If my motivation to come to church is for anyone, anything, any feeling, I'll die. I'll die inside, and never know it. I guess that the only language I understand. I understand death, I fear it. Gah... It's so hard, that's the way it is.

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus’ sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So then death is working in us, but life in you. - 2Co 4:10

God's the source. I just have to acknowlege. Ask. Shaun emphasised ask.

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. - Mat 7:7-8

I haven't asked. I struggled with the asking bit, I remember. I could ask to be like Pastor! There would be millions of Pastors running about by now. Shaun reminded me

And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers - Ephesians 4:11

Not everyone's called to be a pastor. However, what I was wanted to ask for, more love, wisdom to carry conversations, stuff like that are called for from all disciples. Thus, as a disciple in training, I am ... allowed to ask. Or something like that. *Shrug* I'm pretty sure I understand, I'm just really bad at repeating it. Or maybe I don't, which is why I can't repeat it. *Shrug*, maybe I'll ask him about it again. Or Him.

Ask, Acknowledge. What else? Action. Do something Bowen. Complete your resolutions. Make that blog. Pray that prayer. Go on that fast. Send that sms. Make that call. Kay. Early night today. I'm making that blog, going to do my quiet time and sleep. Night Rachel.

New Year's Resolutions, Draft Edition

Aha. Procrastinator I am! I just ate two char siew paus, walked around my table, skimmed the Straits Times, fired up iTunes, connected my iPod, exported my playlists from iTunes to foobar2k, before getting the... oomph, the feeling, not really gumption, the zing. Yeah, haha. The zing to sit down and type this out. My new year resolutions. This is it! Hrm.

1. Pray more. At least 30 minutes of prayer everyday, not including praise and worship.

Dunno how I'll enforce the time, but it'll help stretch me.

2. Fast more. Wednesday seems like a good time. Every 2nd Wednesday of the month is fasting day. Full day 24 hr fast. Actually on second thought, every first day of the month works better. It keeps in perspective that every month, every time-period of my life must begin with Jesus.

Hrm, is all these too ritualistic? Relationship, not religion. No, I guess not. There will always be something to fast for, and if I don't put anything down, I won't fast. Is once a month too few? Perhaps I'll try it for a few months, see how it goes.

3. Read the Bible. *makes a note to create a blog for Bible reading* The way it goes is this, I'll create a blog, post up a Bible reading plan, and whenever someone receives a revelation about a verse, rhema or logos, he or she would post it up. I'm already one day behind, but I'll catch up.

I just took a look at my Getting Started Bible Study book, and reread the 5 spiritual disciplines. I've got down the daily time with God's Word, daily prayer. Consistent tithing and giving leads me to

4. Tithe and offering, same amount as last year for CG and service. Or ... I don't know, I'll have to pray about this. I've always have had problems with offering. I get tithes, but I tend to overgive for offerings, eating into my responsibilities and projected savings. Also, I don't really feel much more offerings. No matter how I give, it just doesn't seem like much of a sacrifice, given that I don't earn my own money, and I can fulfil my material needs through my parents. Something to work on in the new year.

5. Fulfil building fund. I've been late for building fund, mainly waiting for my pay to come in for the month of Dec and Jan so I can clear my Dec building fund. Also, there's some pretty bad fiscal irresponsibility, which I hope will be corrected with the fiscal planning of my year later. I just spent ~$10 on BK yesterday, which would have been much better suited going to into the Building Fund. I'm loosing "feel" on the building fund, but I'm reminded of this picture I saw in the booklet of the four spiritual laws I saw in Tecman and the counseller packs given to new believers.

Yeah, it's small, sue me. I assume you'll know what it is, too lazy to explain it now. I put too much into the feeling bit. I also found this quote from a blog about Mere Christianity

"Now Faith, in the sense in which I am here using the word, is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods. For moods will change, whatever view your reason takes. I know that by experience. Now that I am a Christian I do have moods in which the whole thing looks very improbable: but when I was an atheist I had moods in which Christianity looked terribly probable. This rebellion of your moods against your real self is going to come anyway. That is why Faith is such a necessary virtue: unless you teach your moods 'where to get off', you can never be either a sound Christian or even a sound atheist, but just a creature dithering to and fro, with its beliefs really dependent on the weather and the state of its digestion. Consequently one must train the habit of Faith." - Mere Christianity

Faith, not feelings. Haha, I think I just may have understood it finally.

Hrm, next up would be regular fellowship with other disciples. "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” - John 13:34-35, from the GS BS book. I guess fellowship is more then just talking or even caring. Loving, it's about loving. I have to love people more this year. But how?

Thought about it for a bit. Got distracted for an even larger bit. 15 min there, haha. In your head, zombie, zombie, zombie, eh eh eh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ehheeooo ahh ah ahhhhh. Em, C, D, G. Awesome stuff. First song I learnt! Canon's next. I haven't forgotten my promise to you. Hrm, where was I. Water first. More like Iced Tea. Also, going for Andy's guitar crash course! Mmm. I must show you all a picture. Ah, can't find the person online now. Ah well. I got sidetracked for 1/2 hour and counting. Meh. Where was I. Love.

I was thinking, sending out encouraging smses to ten people, approx half of the cell group every week. Calling... I dunno. Also, I found Children of the Revolution by T-Rex in my Library. It's one of the songs in Moulin Rouge. Focus Bowen. Should I call? I really really suck at calling. My calls are ... cold. I'll give it a try. One person at a time, and I'll see how it turns out. No timeframe for this. I've also really have to be more edifying this year. Take every chance to raise others up. No derogatory remarks, even if joking. My words frame others. I will not stumble others. I just realised that reading my blog gives off the impression of a neurotic teenager with a ADHD. Meh, Sounds about right, anyways. Haha, wonder if anyone really reads this.

Hrm, how about my parents and sister? How am I going to love them more? It's kinda difficult. Blasphemy, perhaps, for some of you, perhaps those who know my parents even more so. They're pretty loving, just that the things that they do and say may come across as really frustrating at times. Both ways I guess, my sister and I aren't exactly the holiest persons around either. But how? Remembering birthdays would be a start. Maybe I should tell I love them. Regularly. I haven't gone out with them for the past couple of years. Shocking huh? Loves got to start with the people closest to you, I guess. I've been trying to love my CG members, new friends, while ignoring the people loving me unconditionally. God, my parents, my sister... at times. =P I can say that I love my sister though. Love ya, sis!

1 Corinthians 13

Love

¹If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I will more patient with my parents, cell group members and friends. When my CG members are late, I won't make snide remarks about their tardiness. No bad temper either, just smile and tell them that you forgive them, but hope that they won't be late the next time.

Hrm, kind.

kind¹
adj., kind·er, kind·est.

1. Of a friendly, generous, or warm-hearted nature.
2. Showing sympathy or understanding; charitable: a kind word.
3. Humane; considerate: kind to animals.
4. Forbearing; tolerant: Our neighbor was very kind about the window we broke.
5. Generous; liberal: kind words of praise.
6. Agreeable; beneficial: a dry climate kind to asthmatics.

Pretty general there. I think I've been doing it wrong. I've been too intellectual in a way, reading too much into the words. It's more of a ... feel. Understanding instead of figuring out the different ways. Understanding by the Spirit, instead of human understanding. Only then I can truly love. God's the source of our love, He fills me, such that I overflow with love. Haha, so it's settled then. God-centric life. I begin to understand. I love that passage above. 1Co 13, something I've got to keep in my heart. I've been writing this post for almost 2 hours, heh.

I'll to recompile this... into something readable, an actual list. Hrm, grow more in the Lord is way too vague, but should I put it down? It's something I want to do. I guess I will though. I'll put specific spiritual goals. Hrm, maybe that's being presumptuous. I think I'll leave it vague, and let God have his way. I think specifying my spiritual disciplines is enough, and having God lead me in the power would be more fun. I do want to try prophesying though, God willing.

Ministry... Hrm, losing focus here. Ministry... I want to grow, certainly. But in what way? I want to commit to helping out in at least 1 Children's Church production this year, God willing. Memorise the visitation route, along with all the kid's names. I want to love the kids, to really take an interest in their lives.

I really can't focus. I'll continue tomorrow morning.

Love Is In The Air!

I'm so tired...

I noted an interesting development at the New Year Countdown Party today. If there are any fruits, let it be known that my suspicious little heart thought of it first. If nothing happens, I'm probably just being overanalytical again.

Revelation on the train! Intelligence isn't about using bombastic words, or words that other people don't understand. Intelligence is putting across what you what to say succinctly and clearly. Also I had to check up the spelling of succinct. I guess my earlier worry that I was losing touch with my more intellectual side was somewhat unfounded, after all. I guess I've just adapted to bringing my point across clearly and in simple English. I do get the not so occasional dumbfoundedness for words, like just now. I don't think dumfoundedness is a word... *Shrug* Nothing much I can do about that, it's the environment. On the plus side, I think my creative cells are getting really fired from the immersion of creative people from all sides. Mikki, Jazz, Mei Man, A... A... For the life of me, I can't remember his name. Starts with an A. Yeah, my apologies. This general inability to remember names is kinda rude, but to me it just happens more often then not. Also, wierd sentence structure of the previous sentence.

Oh yeah, I'm going to start edifying people on this blog. Perhaps this blog is to let me have an outlet for my frustrations. However, we're called to edify each other, which is what I should be doing, and thinking about instead of blogging about other people's faults. My words frame my perception of them, and I believe that as I change the way I speak about other people, my perception of them and their faults will change too. Hrm, tolerant's not the word here I guess. Forgiving. I forgive, but always have in mind their need for change.

Woo, learnt my first full song today, bass line and all. It's Zombies by The Cranberries. Em, C, G, D, rinse, repeat. Bass line is similarly simple, but I'm having trouble plucking two notes in succession on the same string. Most of the time, it comes out muted, cut off, or out of beat. Ah well, practise practise practise. I have to give credit to Andy for the crash course in guitar, learning worship and praise strumming. I think I forgot praise strumming already... Must ask again. Kudos to Darren for showing me the bass line for Zombie, thanks!

I don't think I should think about resolutions and stuff now, I'm too tired, it affects my thinking in insidious and often in ways that are invisible to me. I'm going to sit down, plan it out, the whole year, academic, financial, spiritual, everything. I'm going to sign it, hang it on my wall. Oh yeah, Amelie got me a noticeboard! It was really a surprise, a very joyful one at that. I actually have a wall of Post-It notes on my wall, and I haven't touched it since the day I made it. It's like, God reminding me about the wall, about what I'm supposed to be doing.

I realised I'm really slow on the uptake of mood. I'll take a really long time to warm up to the party mood, and when I finally get into the swing of things, other people are already slowly winding down. This leads to incongruencies like being really subdued during the New Years countdown. I was like super stone! Haha, that's just me I guess. If everyone was perfect, it'll be kinda boring. Someone has to be the odd one out.

Hrm, I'm using words I haven't spoken in years. Kinda just popped out in my mind. Am I making a subconscious effort to add bombastic words to my post? I don't know, I seem to be really vulnerable to subconscious priming. Maybe I should tell myself that I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me, and I'll really believe in it, for once. I don't think I really believe in that verse with all my being. If I did, I wouldn't be like who I am today, an emotionally-driven, apathetic young person. Haha, being reborn is like being given a new house, with new rooms. Some rooms are locks, with keys being hard work, patience, sacrifice. Some rooms seem locked, but are just waiting for a right push and the right time to open them. Some rooms are wide open, but seem scary, or too much effort, and are thus uninviting. Inside each room lies another level in our walk with Jesus. So many rooms to go, for me at least.

Missing church last week is .... over. I guess there's no point talking about it. I just want to issue an apology for making people worry about me, and being totally irresponsible. It's not just me anymore, there are other people to think about. It is kinda nice to know that there are people who care about you though. That's what church is about, when you fall, people ask after you, help you up. They love you, and hope you love them back in return. I do love you, every single one of you, from Kirthana, whom I probably know least about in the cell group, to .... Mikki, perhaps, or Jermaine. Liang Kai maybe. I love you guys.

Haha, I was wondering whom I knew best in cell group. I realised that I don't really know anyone very well. Mikki, Jermaine, Liang Kai, are perhaps the ones I'm most comfortable with, but I don't really know anyone. Something to think about for the new year, certainly. Even Mark, my closest friend in church, I don't know that well. What makes him tick, what doesn't. I don't know all that. I'm not built for relationships, yet I crave for deep friendships and relationships. Maybe I'm ok with them, just that I'm not willing to put in the effort, or I don't know how. I don't know. I don't know how, certainly. I'm really bad at talking. At connecting. I'm more of a flow kind of guy. Forcing conversation really really sucks for me. Maybe not forcing, but something that is ... initiated entirely by me.

Haha, just realised that I was about to say something stupid, some emo observation that I already have the answer for. It's God. It's all about God. When I wake up, it should be about God. Whatever I do, God must be there. He may not be telling me to wear green socks instead of white today, but I've got to seek his enveloping presence every single minute of the day. Fasting and prayer, two things sorely lacking in my life. Reading the Bible, something else lacking. Right now, I'm just a Christian on paper. There's so much head knowledge, but no Holy Spirit. I'm baptised in the Holy Spirit, but I barely walk in His presence, and when I do, there's no power. Frustrating, to say at least, to know that I know exactly how to solve my problem and yet seem unwilling to raise a finger to help myself. I guess nobody, including me will understand how I turn away from the source of ... life, of everything, of stable emotions, of empowerment, of peace, everything.


I can't think of anything else. Lack of sleep doesn't give me much leeway in blogging creativity. Till the next time. Thanks for listening, Rachel.

Hrm, that was creepy. Surrogate girlfriend. Ah well, just so happens she's female. Or is it? Dun dun dun dun.