In Which Rachel is Born

Yeah, let's twist again! Twisting time is here! Haha. Phew, nice high there. Music is such an important moderator

Haha, my sister invaded for a bit to print something. I should really network the printer, but the last time I tried, Vista declared there was not enough memory to network the printer. I'm serious, "Not enough free memory" 2 Gigabytes of RAM, and nothing to show for it. My sister laptop's more powerful then mine, except for the graphics card. >.< Ah yes, music. It's so important to me, my mood actually changes depending on what kind of music I listen to. Most of the time though, I'll flip through my library to find something that fits what I'm feeling or want to feel. Pathetic huh, needing music as an emotional moderator. I haven't yet found anything so immersive that fits into my pocket. Haha, "Addicted to Bass" by Puretone is up, super upbeat song, I like the bass line and the drums... whatever the drum's equivalent of "bass line" is. Haha

Hrm, ah yes, next up is some Japanese song from Laputa. The vocal's really nice, it's some choral arrangement, really smooth on the ears. It's really fun imagining the music as many layered, then seeing the layers unfold in your mind, with the different parts of the choral board being different layers, sometimes drifting separately, sometimes merging together to form... something that makes me feel good.

"Englishman in New York" by Sting is up. Love the Brit accent =P Also, the intro is the same as some Black Eyed Peas song they did with Sting. Was a bit surprised when I heard the original. Also, the saxophone (I assume, I wouldn't know) reminds me of "Maneater" by Hall and Oates, from "Runaway Bride". There's this saxophone solo with echo with some delay, maybe 1 second or so. It sounds like two saxophones playing, only that one is playing with some delay, and softer. I can't describe the result in words, it just makes me feel good. Ah yes, listening to it now. The first saxophone plays over the second one, and the melding of both makes the piece sound really cool. I vaguely remember the same technique being used on the piano for "Do-Re-Mi" from "The Sound of Music". Doe will start, then when Ray goes, Doe starts again. Pretty cool.

Ah yes, I like this one. Childhood by Yann Tiersen from "Good Bye Lenin!" I love piano arragements, I always have this image in my head of myself sitting in a gigantic hall alone, wearing those snazzy suits, playing really complicated tunes on the piano. I just imagine the fingers flying over the piano. Now that I kinda know how to play the guitar, I have a much better appreciation of music, on how hard it is to produce a deceptively simple tune... ABBA's on, but I really shouldn't ramble on about how much I love my music, you should have an idea already ;)

Haha, just remembered to thank Carol and Alina for introducing me to jazz music. Carol hooked up with a boatload of Nat King Cole, L-O-V-E, When I Fall In Love, In Other Words, The Girl from Ipanema, ... well these 4 really. Jumpstarted a new musical foray into Michael Bublé, Louis Armstong and stuff. =P

Yeah, back to the depressing stuff I guess. Haha, I have a upbeat song, and I'm finding it hard to get into the introspective mode. Hang on... Ah yes, got it. Welcome to the Black Parade by Green Day does nicely, I'd think.

I was thinking about it a bit just now. I can't seem to study. I'm just not motivated. I stare in the face of failure, of embarrassment, into the faces of everyone who cares and ever cared, and still I can't do it. Or is it that I won't? What is the reason for it? I don't care enough about God, about my parents, about my cell group, about my future, about me? I don't care that I'm on a fast track to Hell, knowing that I KNOW, I know everything I'm supposed to do, everything that will happen if I don't, everything that God has done for me in the past. I'm just an ungrateful bastard. I have a mental barrier... I'm reminded that we had a sermon about this. It pointed out that we have to change our thinking, but they never told us how. Think positive? There's no point. It's like there's this brick wall that stretches as far as your eyes can see, and telling yourself that somewhere over the rainbow, the wall will end. These people starve to death trying to look for a way out.

However, in the interest of trying, I'm going to try to give it my best shot. For the next two months, I'm going to start walking. I'll do my daily quiet time, my daily Bible reading, study as much as I can, do something productive, help out in cell group, basically do everything I'm supposed to do. If there is no improvement at the end of the year. I'll leave church. I'm not trying to test God here. We've been told not to, anyway. I'm trying to test myself, to see if I'm up to this whole Christianity business, this relationship. I don't want to go to church feeling like a faker, worrying that I will lose my mask in cell group. No more bullcrap, down to business. You hear that God? It's my covenant with you, something I'll keep. I either all for you, or not for you. I can't stand the cognitive dissonance, the feeling of being torn apart by two equally powerful influences. All or nothing, make or break. It starts today, when I wake up in the morning. Will I regret this? Most probably. Rash? Maybe. I'm just sick and tired of the whole masquerade. Help me here, if you will it, else maybe this is just not my season. =)

Signing off, have a great night. Hrm, you've got to have a name... Charmaine, maybe, or Mark. Shaun. Haha, nah, someone new. You shall be Rachel. First name that popped into my mind anyhow. As to why you're female... well, that's the way it is. Not going to perform introspective analysis into that question, too iffy for my liking. =P

Night Rachel, sweet dreams...

P.S Do blogs dream of electric sheep?

I know you as my Lord

Urgh. I just realised, it's the random ramblings of a citizen of Christ. I haven't been doing the works, thinking the thoughts of a citizen of Christ recently. I guess Christianity is not a mask one can don on weekends, only to take it off the moment one steps out of church.

Put simply, I'm ...

Urgh. Just read up a bit on depression. I still live in the shadow of depression. It's less severe now, but it's still there. Somewhere beneath my masks, it lies in wait for me. It'll get me. I need to do this. Help me God, without you, I surely will drown. Help.

The word is 可愛い

Cute. Too cute.

Overwhelming fear or overwhelming fear? Do I get to choose?

Urgh. I'm scared to death. I'm not ready for this. I didn't study for this. Prelims reporting in 10.30 hours. I'm tired, but I can't sleep. I'm not ready for this. Help. I can't describe this fear in my heart now. It' s my own fault I'm like that. I have no one to blame. No one at all. Not my parents, not my sister, not my school, not my depression. Just me and my procrastinating, hypocritical self. I didn't study at all for this. I'm not ready for this practical. I think that when you call on God for help, you're got to at least be somewhat prepared first. I didn't do anything, even though I could, and I don't deserve God's help. If God helped me, that wouldn't be fair. Would it? Does God hear at this time of hour, at the final hour of what is possibly the most important exam I have ever taken in my life so far? I'm ashamed of facing Him, of admitting what I have done, and what I haven't. I seek His forgiveness, but would it be too much to ask for some of his mercy and grace as well? All I've done is squandered it. I don't want to pass the point of no return, where I no longer feel remorse, where I no longer hear God's voice calling me to the narrow path when I stray. I'm good at last minute regrets, but I can never seem to translate this fear into action. There's something seriously wrong with me. I'm self-destructive, I know that there are things that I should be doing, but I can't help but to not do them, no matter how important they are. I won't eat until I feel faint, and even then I'll just grab snacks. I won't study. I just can't. I get frustrated... angry, even when I look at a book. I've never liked to go through something more then once, and I feel that I've gone through the book so many times. I haven't even looked at it, but I just feel like not wanting to read it. It's an intense, physical feeling. It's the kind of feeling that makes you clench your fists and want to hurt stuff. People, objects, doesn't matter. Shaun tells me that there's a choice, there's always a choice. I guess I just chose academic suicide. Why would I even choose that is not clear to me. I think I have a fear of failure, a really intense, really deep-seated fear that can't really be cured by telling myself to just do it. It's like telling depressed person to cheer up. It's just not happening that way. Therapy and close guidance is needed, and I don't know who to go to. I think they'll just laugh it off and tell me that it's all in my mind, that if I really tell myself that the only thing I fear is fear itself and that God had not given me a spirit of fear, but of sound mind. Don't they understand how powerful the mind is? How sometimes the mind literally has a mind of its own? Sometimes I can't control what I think. That translates to difficulty controlling what I do. Is this all an excuse to absolve myself from blame, to blame the whole thing on a mental condition? I don't know. I'm tired of second-guessing myself. I've been doing that for years, and it just tears me up. When you see your naked soul reflected back at you, filthy, unkempt, proud, perverted, twisted, when you see all that you have done reflected back at you, and all you can do is stare back, it really takes its toll on you. Jesus forgave me from all my sins, I understand that. It doesn't mean that it never happened. I'm reminded of the story of the father who nailed a nail into a fence every time his son said something hurtful, and took out a nail every time his son said something nice. When the last nail was pulled out, all the holes still remained. There were no more nails, but the holes were there, and will always be there. I'm staring at my holes, looking for reasons, looking for answers, looking for solutions, but all that's happening is that I'm falling into these holes, letting these holes consume my life, making me lose sight of the fence that I am. I'm just a scared little kid inside. I need love, I need comforting. Funny thing is, when I do get these things, I feel that I don't need it. I despise the things I need the most. I feel that I'm weak because I need these things. I can't change the way I feel, it's just the way things go. The only person who can love me the way I need it, I don't talk to. I don't faithfully follow his teachings. I rebel against him every single day, sometimes small, sometimes big, but always something everyday. I distance myself from the person I need the most. Why am I like this? Am I just made to wander the wide pathway of destruction? Even as I type that I know it's wrong. God put us all here for a reason. Is my life to be a warning to others, on what happens if you stray? That's not true, but then, what my purpose then? The donkeys are getting really really hard to chase. Is there light at the end of this tunnel of mine?

I just sent the sms. I'm scared. Then again, I should be even more scared of what God would say in this situation in my life. I'm not sensitive enough. Lord, help me to grow, break my heart for what breaks yours.

Humility, Secrecy and Electric Sheep

Ha! I got so depressed I just stopped halfway. =P

Anyways, today's service was great! Kinda woke up on the wrong side of bed this morning. Maybe it's because I was adjusting from my erratic sleep schedule. I didn't sleep the night before, was at Weiwen's house with Swee Keng, Joan, Clarence and Kenneth Chan watching Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. That was after supper at some prata house in Upper Thompson. Got jacked by Mikki into eating some fruit vinegar jelly. Sour as heck, but it was pretty good. On a sadder note, I am officially broke. I have 65 cents in my wallet right now, and it has to last me for one whole week, until Saturday. My own fault, really. I spent around $30 on a Japanese meal at MOF in Marina Square. Mikki, Mikki's wakeboarding friend, Boon Kiat and I. Urgh. I pay the price for my foolish splurge. I'm not getting enough protein I think. I'm hitting the pasta, bread and biscuits, but I don't get my protein fix. Maybe that's why I get tired so easily. Ah yes. Sleep schedule. I left my handphone at home, and had to double back from my void deck to get it. I've never had problems with that before. I also didn't bring my jacket. =( I was so cold before service, I was entertaining thoughts about getting some sort of hypothermia. Serious, I get really really really cold, my hands will shake, and my core temperature will drop.

Stir stir stir the pasta. I am making plain pasta with pasta sauce and a fistful of cheese. Add olive oil and some time in the fridge, and *ding*, I get a filling meal. Nutritional suicide, of course. I don't know why I do this to myself =(

Oh yeah, before service, I told myself, "Your God is a powerful God, he can make you feel warm, if you will let him and have faith." Then during the service, I was cold, but it never bothered me. I never consciously registered that I was cold. Not once. Subconscious shifting of posture here and there, maybe, but nothing distracting. Thank God for that =P.

Vision weekend! Wow, just amazing, focus is swinging back to the church, pastors' going to be around more.

Ha! Just came back. The pasta's done, along with some of my thoughts. Hrm, which first. Ok, my personal vision is to bring at least 1 extended family to church by this year. I was thinking one of my aunt's kids, they seem pretty receptive to this whole thing. Some children's church event, perhaps. Also, I realised that the apology to Shuan is overdue. I haven't been studying at all. Before you skim over this confession, realise that O levels is in 15 days. I haven't touched my books at all. I lied when Shaun asked about my study status, always putting on a mask of preparedness. I lied, and I will apologise to him tonight. Sigh, got to put my pride aside, once again. I want to be broken, and if this is the way I have to do it, I will. For You. I dunno who reads this blog anyways. Just had a totally random thought. Can you imagine someone stalking this blog? Someone who doesn't know me at all, maybe doesn't even know about Singapore reading about me, looking through this window into my life. Kinda like in the movies, I guess. One day, I'll post my address, and she take the first flight into Singapore and propose to me! Bwahaha! Ok, that was a bit off. =P But an interesting flight of fantasy, nonetheless.

Sherrie's an interesting girl. Interesting as, I think there's more to her, just like me, that there's a mask she's wearing, somehow. Dunno, just a feeling. Either that, or she is really cheerful all the time, always ready with a smile and a wisecrack. Always. I wonder how she does it.

Ah yes, Some of the old posts that just surfaced were drafts that I forgot to post. Thought I'll let them breathe some fresh air ;) My parents are coming back from Japan today, it should be today morning, not sure about the time. My sister's bugging me to wash the dishes already. To her credit, she's taken out the trash and washed the dishes for the past week, so I should really be doing this. See you next time, if anyone even reads this blog =p Have a good day, and God bless.

Urgh. Feeling like crap. Another depression episode. Makes me want to just scream and cry, but I can't. Not here. Not anywhere. It's not healthy, I think, supressing all these thoughts and actions. That's what I've been doing, running away from my depression. Sleeping it out. "I'll be fine tomorrow." Bowen you liar. You are never fine. You just bury the dirt deep inside you where no one can see.

Let's list out what you're depressed about. That dinner invitation, certainly. Thing is, I'm not supposed to be affected by it. Shit, I'm dwelling again. Also using swearwords. Bad me. I haven't thought like that in a while. Regret is such an ugly word. It's an emotion for things already done. I enormously regret, but it's already over. There's nothing I can do about it. Why do I major on the minor? Am I a weekend Christian, a fair-weather Christian. I seem to be disposed towards that. I have this self-destructive personality. If I'm hungry, I'll just eat whatever's in the house. I don't go down to get my food. I guess I need to be pushed to the brink, to the place where I'll pass out from the lack of food, before I will learn to get food from downstairs. Why do I have to have my back to the wall before I am propelled to do something. WHY DAMMIT@! It's a matter of what you want, and somewhere deep down inside, I don't want to be a Christian, I don't want to pray, I don't want the valleys I just want the mountains. My honesty scares me. I just want someone to love me. I have this great gaping need for love that isn't filled. I just want someone to hold my hand and tell me it's going to be all right. Is that my hormones talking? Is that just an excuse for wanting a relationship? Heck, I don't know. Most people aren't as complicated as this. They just go through their lives, not having to look at the dirt inside of them, analysing it, weighing it,