After 4 years, our hamster Archie was found dead this morning. I didn't think this hamster would ever die. I bought Archie for Connor when he was 3 years old. I thought a hamster would be a good first pet. Easy maintenance and not long term.....4 YEARS!!! I NEVER expected him to last this long. Connor took it well and only seems concerned about his dog dying now. I keep explaining to him that Dallas will be around a lot longer than Archie.

So tired

I can't seem to catch up on my sleep. I think I could sleep for two days straight and still feel tired. (Maybe it is all an excuse to climb back into bed and enjoy my new Memory Foam)

Christmas morning was wonderful. Watching the boys unwrap all their gifts and the look of amazement when they discovered the exact things they asked Santa for. It was over a month of shopping and preparations and 15 minutes of wrapping paper flurry. Then, hours of toy assembling and clean up followed by work. It was still wonderful to see how happy the boys were. (Pictures to come soon)

I have been busy hitting all the after Christmas sales to try to build a clothing supply for this new baby. It is like having my first all over again. I love the after Christmas bin sale at Gymboree and this boy will look sharp his first few months. I'm actually starting to get excited to have another boy. I forgot how fun it can be to buy clothes for little boys. Dinosaurs, trucks, rocket ships, and monkeys.....I will take it any day over flowers and rainbows. (I can say that today, tomorrow may be a different story)

Blizzard 2009

I moved out of Canada to get away from the snow. I have been able to find one positive aspect of New Jersey. It always made me happy that we usually have a dry Christmas. We usually get snow once a year and not until January or February. Not this year! We got almost 2 feet of snow over the weekend. It came down so hard and fast that I went to work on Saturday night and had to stay in that town to be able to go to work on Sunday. It was cold, wet, and miserable. I know I have officially become old when I hate the snow and can only enjoy watching my kids savor it from the comfort of the window. I spent Saturday morning digging my car out for over an hour because I was stuck on the side of the road at 5 AM trying to get to work. I got to work and discovered that EVERYONE had called out and I was left working with a skeleton crew. I left EXHAUSTED! I guess it's not bad considering we have lived in NJ for over 6 years now and this is the most snow I have had to suffer through. At least it doesn't snow in October/November like other areas in the North.

Trapped

Feeling trapped is a terrible feeling. Some people feel the daily pressure of confinement from the amount of debt they have acquired others feel confined by a life less than what they had planned for. And others, like myself feel trapped in a job that makes them miserable. Why stay? Here are a few of my reasons:

1. It is 3 weeks before Christmas. Who would quit a job right before Christmas time? Staying employed gives a sense of peace when it comes to buying gifts for two little boys.

2. We are still in the middle of a recession. I have many friends who are dealing with unemployment from both adults in the family. While I may be unhappy with this job, at least we have the secure of two incomes right now.

3. Nursing is a difficult profession to get a job in right now. It took me months to find this job. The reason it was so difficult boils down to experience. The more experience you have, the better the job you can receive. I am building experience.

4. I will soon be confined at home with a newborn. I can tough out a few more weeks or months of misery for those first few months just staying at home with my new baby.

5. I have NEVER been one to quit. Call it stubborn, call it stupid. It might be the challenge...I don't know. But it kills me to quit anything.

6. I am in debt with the federal government for my nursing degree. I need money to pay back all those student loans.

So, why is my job so miserable? It's not the patients and it isn't the work. I love being a nurse. I hate my job because I work for a lady that will call you into her office and call you a piece of dirt to your face. Who sits behind a desk and barks orders at everyone and has no idea what it is like to actually work on the floor. A woman so terrible that she makes at least one person cry a day. And I feel sad that one person can make so many other people miserable. It really is a shame that someone with as much power as she possesses can't use that to inspire and uplift people. Instead of grinding them into the ground with her fake heels. Oh, and in case you want to know what she looks like I have included a picture.

She really does look like Rosanne Barr from the movie She Devil. (mole included)

Thanksgiving 2009

Thanksgiving was really laid back this year. We stayed at home and just celebrated as a family. The menu included: Turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, cranberry apple Jell-O, and stuffing. I am so thankful that my morning sickness has passed and that I enjoyed every single last bite of food. I ate more today than I have in a long time.

We (meaning me and my stomach) napped in the afternoon while Jade waxed his new car. We took the boys to see the new movie A Christmas Carol in the evening. It had some scary parts but the boys seemed unaffected. Jaxson was laughing and saying, "That's funny mom" every time a ghost would come on. Connor just asked me after the movie was over, "Mom, was that a kids movie?"

I have started buying packages of diapers every time I go to the the grocery store. I have them in Jaxson's closet and I found him playing in them the other night. I explained to him that the diapers are for the new baby that is coming. He said, "What baby?" And I said, "The baby that is growing in my belly" He got a HORRIFIED look on his face and said, "MOM! Did you eat a baby??" I forgot that Jaxson is learning in school right now that the food we eat goes into our belly. He likes to tell me after he eats what he ate and that it is now in his belly.

What this baby has to look forward to

If Jaxson loves his new sister or brother as much as he loves Dallas the dog.....then this baby will have to be really tough.

For Tiff

Because I am such a good friend and I know my friend Tiff deserves this....I am posting pics of my pregnant body (back shot included) I hope she realizes how much I love her (I wouldn't post a back shot for just anyone!)

And just because I am a good friend I will post her favorite pic of me.

The day before I went into the hospital to be induced with Jaxson! This is what I have to look forward to! (In my defense, I had an 8 lb 10 oz baby in my 5'1 body)

The first real signs of life

I haven't documented anything positive about this pregnancy and I realized today that I needed to start keeping some sort of note about what is going on. (And I will NOT be posting pictures of my stomach anytime soon! Sorry Tiff)

One of my favorite parts of pregnancy is when you first start feeling those little movements going on inside you. Even having an ultrasound and seeing that little person doesn't make the pregnancy real to me. I don't start reflecting on what is really going on with my body until I start feeling those tiny little taps and flutters. I have been feeling little flutters and taps for about 2 weeks now but while laying on the couch today I felt that first distinct kick. Nothing like the kicks that lie ahead but enough to say, Yep, there is in fact a little person in there.

Connor didn't move around much during my pregnancy. I didn't know what real kicks felt like until I was pregnant with Jaxson. I could only get Connor to move around while I was in the bathtub. Sometimes the feeling of the water on my stomach would be enough to make him stick a foot or an elbow out enough that I could rub it to let him know that I was in fact a person outside of where he was growing and not just a voice. Jaxson was VERY active. He moved around alot. Somedays to the point that it hurt. (I should have known from his early activity that he was going to keep me busy) I could put my hand on my stomach and he would kick and kick and kick like he was trying to kick whatever was touching him off! Funny how much I can reflect back on the activity my boys displayed during pregnancy and reflect on how much it really signified their personalities.

And I remember those little kicks and BIG kicks that Connor and Jaxson gave me and I look at them now, still in little bodies but growing so much and feel satisfaction. No matter what I do in my life, no matter what happens to me, I know that I contributed in giving my sweet little boys life and nothing will ever bring me more joy. And despite feeling sick with this pregnancy and complaining that I am turning into a whale, I am so blessed to once again be experiencing the joy of growing a little body inside of mine that I will give life to and enjoy watching grow. Nothing in life could be better.

Happy Birthday Jaxson

My baby turned 4 this weekend. He was celebrating all weekend. He adds so much personality to our family and we just love him so much!

I can see the future

I found this on my old blog. An entry from October 6, 2006. Scary how accurate it is for my life now!


My mind is made up....sort of October 6, 2006
I swore after having Jaxson that I was done having kids. I didn't want to be swollen and pregnant again and have a crying baby latched to me 24 hours a day. I begged my doctor to tie my tubes at my 6 week appointment and he happily agreed to do so.........after I had waited a year. Well, my baby is turning 1 in a month and I am thinking crazy thoughts. I laughed at the look of terror and dismay on Jade's face when I announced last night that I will be having another baby..........in three years. I have this crazy desire to have another child when I am finished with nursing school. Lately I have loved watching Jaxson, Connor, and Jake play and just don't feel like I am ready to be done yet. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? I had to start back on prednisone this week because I just can't kick this poison ivy. One of the best side effects from this medicine is that it gives me this incredible amount of energy. I stayed up until 1:30 AM last night studying and got up at 7 AM with the kids. After taking my wonder pills I felt as refreshed as a woman who had slept 12 hours. Not only did I have my three boys during the day but I was babysitting 4 other kids ranging in ages 2 months to 4 years. I was superwoman. I commented to a friend that this medicine is greater than crack. It gives me the energy that a crack addict gets from crack but I don't have the psychotic disillusions that they suffer from. After pondering my recent feelings to add another child to this crazy home, I have decided that this medicine must be worse than crack. And that I must be suffering from hallucinations...........especially when all the other kids went home and I was left with just my two boys. Jaxson bit me and Connor did everything I asked him not to do. I realize the power of this medication. It must be sedating me during the day or just removing me from my reality. I just cannot shake this desire to have another baby and my mind is made up..........sort of. We'll see when my wonder pills are gone.

Jaxson

Jaxson makes me laugh daily. Connor was born with a more serious personality while Jaxson, well, he is a clown. Lately, his favorite thing to do is go out in the backyard and climb up into his playhouse. He will then yell as loud as he can over the fence "GRANDMA!!!!" Until the elderly lady living next door to us comes out and talks to him. Yesterday I picked him up from school and he was bursting with excitement when we pulled into our driveway and "grandma" was outside in hers. He flew out of his booster seat, rolled the window down, and yelled out, "GRANDMA! It's me, Jaxson. Hi Grandma! Hey, where you going? Chuck E. Cheese??" Because our lovely, retired neighbor Doris has nothing better to do but go to Chuck E. Cheese.

Tuesday I dropped Jaxson off at Kindercare. It is always harder when mom does it because there are tears and sobs to go back home. I promised Jaxson if he went to preschool that I would come and pick him up early and take him to Chuck E. Cheese. I left him there and returned at 1 to pick him up. I was SHOCKED (still am) to find that at 1 PM everyday, Kindercare lays down mats and the kids take naps. I almost fell over on the floor in disbelief when I saw my own child, who stopped napping at home when he was 16 months old, laying on his mat sleeping. I thought for sure he had to be dead. I had to go and listen for breath sounds. I walked back out to my car just dumbfounded because not only was he napping on Tuesday but they told me that Jaxson naps EVERYDAY!!! I am convinced that a full investigation needs to be held because the only logical explanation I can come up with is they are drugging the children. If Jaxson is napping,

they are putting something in the chicken nuggets there.

Pregnancy

Unlike others, I do not like pregnancy. I do not feel bad about making this statement. I HATE feeling the changes my body goes through during pregnancy. The hormones, the acne, the weight gain, the nausea....ect. I'm a lunatic as it is, throw in pregnancy hormones and I am like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I know that some women feel their best during pregnancy but that is not me. I feel like a slug that someone has poured salt over. I feel as if my body is failing me. I can't always do the things that I want to do. Throw in the fact that I get as big as a whale and that concludes that pregnancy does not agree with me. Pregnancy is miserable but I just have to

remember that it ends with the miracle of this:

and the miracle of this:

Halloween preview 2009

Jaxson truly is going to be our performer. When I took him to the costume store I expected him to pick out a superhero costume. NOPE! I'm almost afraid to tell you what his first choice was. Ok, it was a hotdog. He wanted this big hot dog costume (thank goodness it didn't fit) so, he chose to be a clown. I couldn't talk him into anything else. He puts his costume on and dances all around the living room. Connor only insisted on being something with a sword.

Goodbye Mr. Pumpkin Man

This is what happens when you leave a dog home alone all day. I put the Halloween decorations out and Dallas decided that he didn't like this particular decoration. So, he did what his ancestry instincts told him to do, he ripped the thing to pieces. Imagine my surprise after working a 9 hour day and opening the door to this mess. Dallas is lucky he has a six year old that loves him so much. I had just forgotten about what he did to my couch. OH, I didn't tell you what he did to my couch. Exactly one week ago I came home to discover that Dallas decided to try to dig a hole on my couch cushion. He succeeded. Lucky for him, my cushions can be flipped around so the hole is concealed. He won't be so lucky if he decides to dig again.

The correct way to eat a cake

We LOVE Fall!

Halloween

2006

2007

2008

I love Halloween. Every year it is so exciting for Connor to go and pick out his costume. It wasn't until posting these pictures that I realized that poor Jaxson has had Connor's hand me down costume every single year. I'm making a resolution to let the poor kid actually get his own unique costume this year. (He was thrilled to be Buzz Lightyear and Spiderman though) I promise you will not see Jaxson in a Batman costume this year. Since I was in school the previous years, I missed trick or treating for three years in a row. I'm so excited to be able to go this year and watch the kids run from door to door. I'm even more excited to eat up all the candy they collect. I am trying to convince the boys to be Mario and Luigi since they are Wii freaks. Jade can be Bowser and I can be Princess Peach.

Soccer 2009

Soccer has started again. Connor has been in full force scoring goals and playing defense. He was THRILLED to get the jersey that had #1 on it! (I think secretly he thinks it means he is the #1 player) He really does have a natural talent for soccer and really enjoys playing. He has already started asking me, "Mom, when does hockey start?" Between Wednesday practices and Saturday games, we don't want to squeeze hockey in yet. He is doing really well in first grade and was so excited to be the Captain of the Week this week. He earns pennies in his class for everyday that he is well behaved and knock on wood, he has earned a penny every day so far. For as fussy as he was as a baby, he really has grown into a sweet, well behaved child. (with that fiery temper still bubbling below the surface)

Update

It has been so long I don't even know where to start. Between a new job, a much needed summer vacation, family visiting, school starting, and the everyday rush of life.....this blog has been neglected.

I started a new job. I'm working full time in a long term care facility. This week will be my last week of orientation and then I will be on my own!!! I feel nervous but also excited to finally practice all the skills I learned over the three years of nursing school. Sometimes I can hardly believe I am finished with school. The weather has been really "Fall" like and I wake up some mornings feeling school anxiety. I have to remind myself that school is really over and that I am a Registered Nurse. I'm not sure I want to stay in long term care but right now, it's my only option.

We just returned last week from our 8 day cruise to the Bahamas! It was beautiful. The boys loved being on "the big boat" and helping themselves to the all you can eat buffet. My favorite stop was Half Moon Cay. It was hands down the most beautiful beach I have ever been to.

We went snorkeling and saw beautiful fish of every color, shopped through all the straw markets, and spent 7 days of pure relaxation.

The boys both started school this past week. Connor is now in the first grade and Jaxson is going to preschool and kindercare.

I can't believe how much they have changed from last year. They are growing up so fast. Connor is really growing socially and has a best friend named Zack that lives four houses down from us. Zack is in the 4th grade but they play so well together. They are both Nintendo Wii addicts. Jaxson is also a Wii addict but is very content to just play alone if he has too. I was so nervous about putting him in kindercare but he loves it. He takes me around the room everyday to show me EVERYTHING he has colored, cut, or painted that day. The first day I walked in to find him sitting at a table making sea horses out of playdough. He was so proud of himself. The only problem we are having is his terrible eating habits. He is so picky that he will not eat the food they offer him. The kid only eats peanut butter and jelly, chicken nuggets, french fries, apples, grapes, toaster strudels, waffles, and yogurt with the Trix rabbit on it. Unfortunately, they do not have these foods at kindercare. They tend to serve from a healthier menu. So, Jaxson refuses all food until he gets home where he goes on a food binge all night.

I promise to try to better in the future with updating.

Jon Gosslin

Why would anyone like Jon Gosslin? He is fat, has hair plugs, 8 kids, and has no personality what so ever!!! I'm sorry. I am tired of looking at magazine covers and turning on the TV and seeing his face. I will tell you why all those women are giving him attention......The media attention. I think the world should unite and ban him! The man is nothing special. He is just like any other man in the U.S. BUT, he was on a TV show and he has 8 kids. I just wish someone would be honest and say why a 22 year old would even consider going out with him. I think he is a pig!

I decided today that my new job was not a good job. Today was my THIRD day of work and the THIRD day of me sitting around waiting for someone to show up. It was horrible. I never imagined a job starting this way. I hope I get something else....

I got a job offer. I accepted but I am still secretly hoping that I get something else. It was not the job I wanted but with the way the market is right now, I will take it. Plus, it is a Monday through Friday job with no weekends or holidays. Can't beat that for a nursing job. And while I thought I would feel relief at finding employment, I find that I feel sadness. I will miss being home during the day waiting for the boys to get home from school. My OCD is worried about getting all the normal cleaning finished with the demands of a full time job. (the eye is twitching as I write that with visions of laundry stacking up and sticky floors)

I thought I would be happy being in this time of my life but I still yearn to go back to those days of new babies---long nights, diaper changes, walks around the block pushing a stroller, and sleeping with a newborn in my arms. And I am stuck in limbo wondering......should I start all over again? Because we all remember those wonderful moments of having a new baby but quickly forget the "other" moments. I do remember the tears (mine, not the baby).

The job search is discouraging. I can't even write it about it right now. It makes me depressed. I have so many experiences that I will eventually write down because I know one day I will laugh about them but right now, they are still not funny. I am actively searching until September and then I am heading to Utah. I can get a job there, work for a few months to get experience then come back to NJ.

Jaxson has an infection on his legs right now. He looks like he has chicken pox. He has beautiful olive colored skin that gets infected if any little break in the surface occurs.

Connor is taking reading lessons from a close friend of mine who is a first grade teacher. He really enjoyed them at first but now, not so much. I worry about him because he is a whiz when it comes to math....already doing addition and subtraction but he struggles with reading and writing.

The most exciting news?? Dallas the dog is getting fixed tomorrow. That is not exciting for him but I am thrilled. He will not molest our visitors anymore. The embarrassment hopefully ends tomorrow.

So, I was at the OB/GYN today and I was laying on my back admiring the cute boarder they had painted around the room. Teddy bears and blocks. Appropriate for a baby office. Then I looked closer and realized they didn't have any eyes. It was then that I realized how terribly appropriate that was. I suddenly felt much better knowing that nothing from that room would leave that room. If the bears can't see, they can't tell.......LOL. Ok. That was stupid humor but you have to find something funny in the OB/GYN office. I appreciate that they try to make it more comfortable by placing a picture of Indiana Jones on the ceiling above me but, I just don't find that comforting.

(Can you believe they called me to be a Relief Society teacher? They are giving me permission to stand up in front of all those women and speak....and teach. I hope no one goes inactive because of me!!!)

My goodness!!! Is it Friday already??? The week just seems to fly by. I went on my first nursing interview yesterday and it went well. I was a little disappointed because the job is not what I expected or really wanted. It is more of a supervisor position where I will have my own office and do alot of paperwork. I will not do any skilled nursing. Because the market is so terrible right now, I am afraid to turn it down but it is not really what I want to do. I would have to wear suits and business clothes to work......I NEVER imagined myself in an office job. But it gives me experience and it is only part time so it leaves time open to get a job on the side where I am doing the nursing job that I love. I am responsible for supervising all the C.N.A's and I'm not sure how well I will do that?? I have another job interview next Thursday and that is for a hands on nursing job so I will see how that goes.

So, yesterday I became preoccupied with the thought..........Why do people throw children into water to teach them how to swim?? (I have actually heard of people doing this) It would seem to me that if that was the fool proof way to teach them to swim, we wouldn't have children drowning all the time. Or anyone for that matter. Anyone who fell into water that couldn't swim would just teach themselves....???!!!!

Today was spent having a picnic with seven little boys. (Basically, I played the role as waitress to seven hungry kids) Connor woke up and decided that he wanted to get pizza today and have a party with his friends. Since it is Tuesday, sunny, and we have nothing better to do.....Why not?

Now, I'm exhausted. Because after serving up the pizza, I had to do clean up. It was around this time that someone let Dallas the dog out so I spent the next 10 minutes getting Dallas out of the neighbors yard. Fast forward to 20 minutes later and Dallas is once again free and running down the street. This time he ran without looking back. He gave me a good run. With the help of a man driving past, I was able to catch him a mile and a half later. I thanked the stranger and as I walked back to the house I whispered into his ear, "Bad Dog!@!!" I had to make sure no one else but Dallas could hear the abuse I was unleashing on him.

I got a little job. I will be that evil person injecting you with the flu shot this season. I will be working for a company from September until November that travels around and administers the flu vaccine. Giving shots all day.......HORRIBLE. (not for me but for the people getting it) Jade asked me if I will finally get the flu shot this year......NOPE. I hate shots. I don't mind giving them but I hate getting them. I will take my chances.

Last Day

Our last day of vacation was spent at the University Mall. I love that mall. I left with five shirts and a new bag but could have left with the whole store. The rest of the day was spent lounging around the house and grilling food. It was a quiet ending to a great trip.

Now, I'm back in Jersey and homesick for Utah. I love my home here but I just miss family and friends so much.

Day 6

Today we hiked up to the Mount Timpanogos cave. We left Jaxson with Grandma and took Connor. It was a steep, LONG hike but worth every minute. It was beautiful hiking up and the cave was amazing. Now, we are resting because we are exhausted.