23 AUG 2008... Everything finally settled.. We had a heart to heart talk... She still wants us to be friends... I tried to laugh it over, smile.. And not put on a face.. Its so hard, ver hard... There were awkward moments... But i tried to resolve it lready cox i know u feel very bad already.... I understand... Just want u to know that its not ur fault or what so dun feel guilty...

Iam feeling so fuking depressed... I dunnno why... Its so hard to even breathe now... So painful, it felt like my heart is shred to pieces... Why is it that all girls whom i like keep saying the same things like iam too good of a friend thus cannot be a couple... Indeed my approach to girls is wrong.. very wrong... And end up that the girl i like the most wanna be my best friend...

I dun want to be just friends thus iam gonna avoid u now... I cannot even face u now... Its so difficult... Its so hard.. I cannot console u cox iam too hurt... I seriously feel very sad... very.

Looking through at the achievements of various pple, it got me going and ask myself what i want in life again... Many times i wondered what i am good at... And at the end of the day, i am always saying "iam good at nth". I always tell pple that my entry into SMU is just by luck.. Its just luck that i did well for the interview...

Even my FYP, as compared to those doing a real and proper one for companies or research, iam ashamed of it. Cox we kindda faked it... It is not applicable in real life though it is good... Actually ive always kept this in my heart but i nv like using a company to do a project and to fake it and say the company think its good or the company approves it...

Pple if u have a chance ask urselves do u have what it takes to suceed in life, instead of pondering and asking what life can give u... Pple who suceed has found the path and strive hard for it... Whilst others such as me, who loves day dreaming bout sucess cannot help but apprehend the fact of being consumed by failure and can only DREAM bout sucess...

I promise that i will work hard but that will be after my NS... LOL... Empty promises again...

Well... Glad that your leading such a enriched life... Look through ur facebook etc... Finally my anger kindda dissipated... What's wrong with mr chua nowadays... Keep changing mind like a woman...

Looked through the photos we have taken etc... I know things on sat might get ugly... Maybe its the last meetup and soon i wil be in NS and then after i come out, iam gonna go SMU and know many pple particularly girls and try to forget u like how i forget the girl i knew in sec sch...

Thats the painting i have for my life though... NS, such a fuking waste of time... If it weren't you, i might have been going through what she is gg through now... Same sch, attending camps, probably same class and life could be like when we were in NP... And i might have another shot... But they always say once, twice and thrice will be the limit.... The fourth and later can get uglier...

How true huh... I really miss her now, anyone can tell me what to do?

Unsaid things, unsaid feelings kindda churns out the madness thread by thread in me..
Just like how a rubber band snaps under pressure, i might one day just snap...

Bit by bit iam losing myself, not to anything or anyone but you...
Ive lost the battle of this one sided warfare...
You've won gloriously...
Congrats cox at the end of the day in the battle of one sided love, the one who always gives more will lose...
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I think iam mad... Cox i spent 12 hours straight on the com, apart from the constant breaks... Finally finished first season of chuck... Its very nice! Thanks brenda for the recommendation... And tonight's another night where i can't slp again..

Ive been thinking bout u again...

Well... u said lets meet on sat hopefully it will not be another "sorry i could not make it" reply... U seemed to be too overly non chalant bout my feelings.. U know how much turmoil and sadness over this fuking issue which seemed so small to u.. And u had to make it worse by saying haha thats why i say meet on this sat la... PLs la... U din even apologize or what... I was damn angry, upset and unhappy... U weren't the perfect girl that i knew of anymore.. Insensitive, and overly non chalant...

Finally i said out how i felt and yet i have to wait, wait and wait... ARGH!! U know how simple things like puntuality, promise can be very particular to me.. U might think iam over reacting, or why is he saying all these shit.... But yea, i had to let u know how i feel.... If not u will always be like that all ur life...

I had every fuking reasons to not like u, but why is it that at the end of the day after rantings and tonnes of rantings that i still think of u? I dun understand, i can nv know... I loved u too deep, lets put an end this sat... I dun even feel like toking to u now... I dunno how love can become a dislike... But anyhow, the issue of the lets be friends and stuff, come on... U knew that i like u yet u always avoid it... But i understand love isn an equation that can be forced to the minds of individual.. I will understand...

hate less and love more... I tried, and its fruitless....

any lonely hearts out there share the same sentiments as me.. the feeling of "u might meet her" when u pass by places like her sch, home or somewhere near her place... Damn... i feel like a stalker... Passed by places, bus stops etc that reminded me of her... Can't help but feel kindda emo... It hurts... The way she wanna end our friendship and leaving the OUTSTANDING issue like ive nv mentioned it before... Even friends will contact each other once in a while but no... She did not... And i can;t be bothered cox i took too many "first steps"... She's the one who forsakens me... Why should i even give a damn bout gentlemanlism and give in to her by smsing her and wish her well? Iam selfish and downright stingy... I know... But i can't help but react in this way... Unless she takes the first step to meetup... If not, i wun ask her out cox iam like that... Week after week ive been askign u out saying can we meet tomorrow if ur free and ur reply: next week... cox iam not free and then when next week comes *in anticipation* u gave a fuking sms on the very day when we were about to meet up and say ur not free... What do u treat me as?

Mind u... Pple with a little sense of responsibility will sms their friends earlier to tell then that they are nto free on the day... Thanks for making me have another point to dislike u.... But amongst the turmoil, my heart constantly seeks out for u... I dunno why... Iam having this "wtf" feeling... Like iam being cheated though iam not... Yea i know gan chiong thomas in the house again... Paranoid, sensitive and small gas.... There's nth i can do bout it....

Ever wonder howu wish for someone to miss u when ur in NS... To have a girl to wait for u till u complete ur en route to manhood... how nice huh... I want one too!!! How i wish i have a gf.... To be able to hug, care and shower her with love... And how i wish i could be hugged... I really wanna know how it feels to be hugged by someone u love... Not my family though but a kind of heart which shows that ur needed and yet being protected at the same time u know? Damn... Ive been feeling REALLY low these nights... I wonder how i even get by every single day without u... ANyway congrats to u... ur on ur road to a thomas-free life...

我想你想到快疯了。。。
我已无药可救了。。。
只有和你一起才能了结我的痛苦。。。

Stayed at home and did nth but watch anime and shows...Prefer this kindda lifestyle... Guess iam too used to it already... Have not been watching movies these few weeks cox ur not here to accompany me also... Even if ur free, i doubt that i would go out with u any sooner... It makes me harder to forget u... I cannot remain with u as frenzzz cox i gave in too much love... Whateva it is, iam trying my very best to forget u... And i know u will meet ur true love someday... Hope u will get ur well deserved happiness soon...

Kindda realized something... Its IMPOSSIBLE to even not think of u... What do i want or expect exactly? I really dunno... Flings, what are they? The problem with pple is that we treat love as something so insignificant... Iam a bit tempted though to look for flings.. But its just not the type of thing for me... Iam proud to say i remained gf-less all these yrs... Maybe true love like what my peers said, will come eventually.. Just have to wait...

Can't slp again tonight... Been feeling very upset, yet its repressed.. I dunnno hwo to describe this feeling... Its filled with so much anguish and sadness but yet at the same time, once ignored, this feeling will just diminished... Wierd...

Guess i realy love u too deep... I canot do it... Iam so weak afterall... There's nth i can possibly do... Iam so angry that i feel like ignoring u, yet at the same time, i wanna see u... I dunnno what to do at all... My heart's filled with so much turmoil...

How i wish i could forget u so easily and just move on with my life... =(

I gave in too much, but none of it got back... Iam so fuking tired of thinking bout u and our issue already... Its so tiring man.... One side of me is so angry that i dun wish to see u at all, but yet the other side of me wants to see u... Damn... Iam such an indecisive fellow... At the end of the story, its just lovers or strangers... Choose one...

Hey girl thanks for ur non chalant attitude... U made me fuking irritated.. Some things are better left unsaid... Time's up, the whole thing's over... Iam calling it quits.. Nv knew that loving someone is becoming a burden..

I seem to have that special power to make my friends angry... ARGH!
Note to self: Be more careful with words... Do not be a big mouth...

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Finally my mood is back after taken its toll for so long... R/s ya i know wun work out... Maybe i will meet someone better like wad uve said last time...

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Suddenly i thought of ya again... Looked through ur pics and the saved conversations we've had... Felt very sad that i cannot have such a girl like ya... ARGH!! Iam really at a loss now...

Iam still depressed... I just can't put it down... How i wish i can just anyhow like someone so that i can forget u... Iam feeling very very miserable inside... The desire is so strong that it kindda overwhelms me... I really dunno what to do now... Sometimes i wish my frenzz would just stop rubbing salt into my wound... It just hurts...