melbourne, australia, 13 of june 2011, 12.30am
im here typing about myself in my blog --> never a good sign
im having headache after being an owl for one whole week.... everynight i sleep in the "morning"... all thanks to 2 things... essay and my good old fren known as procrastination.
today my first semester officially ended. coz all my assignment is passed up... some of my friends still have exams tho. i can basically say that today was kinda like a "sorrow with a little empty" day... i was longing for this day my whole sem... but when it finally come now... all i feel is hollowness
i plan to go adelaide a while ago but my senior fren's side suddenlly has change in plan so i end up here then i plan to go sdyney with my hsemate n her china frens but suddenlly oso cant go d. my vietnamese hsemate oso left today n my senior is gonna left next week. i feel very lonely. very empty, very invisible. when i walk out of my room today it was 'more empty' than usual... is tat even possible?
then i felt a bit sad n depress that my classes had all edded.... to tell the truth i was quite sad lastweek after i attended the final class.... all my teachers r reli nice... i dun reli talk with them or what but bcoz some of them were so nice i even feel like i had bond with them... there r some that i would really want to thank them in person but as usual i was too cowardly to do so. im so scared. i wonder whether i can still have this kind of tutors next semester... tutors r so important to me... normally if my tutors suck--> my grades suck... i cant describe how i feel... is somehow like the mixture of depress, fear and 'hollow'.
i dono what to do now... no friends, no family n no nothing... maybe i shud go find a job this weekend to at least keep my head focus on sumting
for 3 months being here... i never been to the city for even once with my frens... its kinda depressing... im oways in this "zone"... n i dun dare or want to go alone either...
besides, after paying so much money flying to another country to attend class.... there r still many parts in my subjects that i dono... im so frustrated now... should i stay home and sometimes study sometimes go out like im suppose to? or should i just go work n do nothing else?... confuse n annoyed...
not to mention the headache is still on going n im not gonna sleep well
last but not least... i cant even call anyone to talk to coz i cant seem to dial out with the 10 dolars calling card which i dono why n i cant call with my lebara mobile as well as credit is finish n it refuse to let me top up which i oso dono y... i had done the transaction for a few times online n it keep FAILED!!! oh God i juz feeling killing myself... n my internet left 2 gb... so cant online watch movie or whatsoever...
i should probably go to boxhill tomoro... n buy some expensive yet pirated dvds to watch n walk walk around boxhill before i go crazy by being trap in this empty fking world..
good people
good people does not have more right to hurt others just because they are good
we all have the same rights
unhappy?
who told you to be born as a commoner
go to hell...people with good hearts... just go to hell... we have enough nice people we need on earth.
may you rest in peace
we all have the same rights
unhappy?
who told you to be born as a commoner
go to hell...people with good hearts... just go to hell... we have enough nice people we need on earth.
may you rest in peace
troubles of fb
life didnt get any better after i come here to study.... as i aspected... n im not tokin bout me this time... its her... she made my head pain, made my heart ache... i would beg her to let go... but i dun think she wud.. n i know she nvr will... tas y i said shud nvr add her in fb... its just trouble... i reli dislike the fact that ppl owasy takes thing other ppl write on fb too personally..... n judge them tru the things they write there.... have u ever think... there is so many sides of a human being n so many parts in life... how about the things that they dun post n write in fb? do u realise it may be far far more than what they write? so stop seeing things that way.... normally ppl oni post reli hapi, reli funny , reli stupid n reli sad n reli hate things there.... those extreme thing extreme foolness, extreme hatred.... how about most of the time when things r normal? can u see? can u hear? can u feel? can u find out the truth tru internet?... these things r so common... y wud we like to post there? so meaning if i post 'reli happy' means im oways a reli happy person? NO!... n if i complaint alot n swear... means i hate every seconds n every single part of my life? NO! dun be silly n dun be fooled n most of all.... dun be too sensitive or sometime even shallow... because u dun noe.... the things we post there r the things we feel other could know.... how about deep down feelings n stuff? we post there too? some ppl does but not all ok.... even if they do...its not every single time...
anyway, odo no one can ever reli be free... i guess my case is a little bit different than usual... yes... i may nvr be free.. how could i? be free from another human being...
anyway, odo no one can ever reli be free... i guess my case is a little bit different than usual... yes... i may nvr be free.. how could i? be free from another human being...
the ugly truth
im so frustrated now n sorrow i dont even want to read what im writing now n think about what im gonna write next... none of these things i write has been re-read or edited... i dont even want to twist n turn or use more beautiful words like you all or we all normally use in blogs... this is the truth
i was reading other people's blog. suddenlly i feel this sadness in me n i cry. i have always known how much i hated myself n how much i really dont want to live anymore. Life is such a horrible thing to me. if there is one thing that i wish for is for my life to end... i have always live in sorrow , fear, emptiness, depression.... even i though i have depression or bipolar some times.... but of course... everything is just in my imagination.... i keep asking lately... in 2012 is the world really gonna end... who knows ... it might be a good thing although its scary... at least we all can die together... but if that happens i wanna be at home... not australia... at least i can die with my family aand friend... i realised there nothing that i love in life... really seriously nothing... wat do i live for? i dont know.... n might never will... the things i like may never come true, even if they have the possibility i also wont allow them to come true... its too risky and painful... n now thats life... everything has a price to pay for... what a horrible world we live in .... n where everyone has a evil side... all your beloved friends may harm you for survival... n family may hate you for some other reasons... its just terrible that we have to be hardworking everyday to persuade ourselves how wonderful the world is.... its just disgusting n pathetic.... or at least i am now.... for saying these things.... now ... you know me? understand me? hate me? good to know... since everyone likes to hear about other people/s secret... love to know the 'truth'........... now here is the ugly truth about me.... hope u r happy.
i was reading other people's blog. suddenlly i feel this sadness in me n i cry. i have always known how much i hated myself n how much i really dont want to live anymore. Life is such a horrible thing to me. if there is one thing that i wish for is for my life to end... i have always live in sorrow , fear, emptiness, depression.... even i though i have depression or bipolar some times.... but of course... everything is just in my imagination.... i keep asking lately... in 2012 is the world really gonna end... who knows ... it might be a good thing although its scary... at least we all can die together... but if that happens i wanna be at home... not australia... at least i can die with my family aand friend... i realised there nothing that i love in life... really seriously nothing... wat do i live for? i dont know.... n might never will... the things i like may never come true, even if they have the possibility i also wont allow them to come true... its too risky and painful... n now thats life... everything has a price to pay for... what a horrible world we live in .... n where everyone has a evil side... all your beloved friends may harm you for survival... n family may hate you for some other reasons... its just terrible that we have to be hardworking everyday to persuade ourselves how wonderful the world is.... its just disgusting n pathetic.... or at least i am now.... for saying these things.... now ... you know me? understand me? hate me? good to know... since everyone likes to hear about other people/s secret... love to know the 'truth'........... now here is the ugly truth about me.... hope u r happy.
Novry ~ The Move ~ Chapter two
Jonathan's walking on the street alone, holding the map in his hand.
"Fuck, i've lost my way again... what street is this?" staring on the map impatiently.
Maybe it's not even a good idea that i moved out from home. it's been 5 days and i'm still getting myself lost everyday. Thought Jon.
It's already noon when he had figure out where he was. He made a left turn at the junction and saw the roadsign that he was looking for. Sweat was dripping on his shirt. Half of his shirt is wet now. Sound of beer bottles knocking on each other can be heard coming out from the plastic bag that he's holding in his palm.
Sweat was all over his forehead, beard growing out of his chin and a bruised nose. Life has been miserable when the only woman he had ever loved broke up with him. That's when he decided to finally move out of the town to this deserted surburb where no one could find him. He felt lost....no... he wanted to be lost.
He started to slow down his pace when a wooden cottage lying dead at the end of the road is slowly appearing in his sight. He stopped at the front door of the pathetic cottage and took out a 19th century-looking key to unlock the door.
Sunlight began to shine in when the door cracked open. The light had reveal the things in the small room. A bed, cupboard, timber table, chairs, fan, kitchen stove, a door that leads to the bathrooon and amazingly a new frige stading at the corner of the wall. He paused for a moment looking at the fridge before he walked towards it to put the beers and food he bought. He remebered how the landlord refused to gave him a new refrigerator when the old one was obviously broken and the landlord's wife was looking at him feeling sorry.
He sat on the chair and switched on the fan. The angry faces of Nigel started to flew into his mind.
"No. How can u move out like this? You can barely survive! Jon, could you just stop being such a loser and start finding a proper job? It's just a break-up".
"Oh ya?! it's easy for you to say. How about your precious Kisha?".
"You bastard!"
Jon suddenly opened his eyes and stand up straight as if he felt pain in his body. He put his hand on his bruised nose, gazed at his empty room and sighed
"And it still hurts... all of that...everyone..."
"Fuck, i've lost my way again... what street is this?" staring on the map impatiently.
Maybe it's not even a good idea that i moved out from home. it's been 5 days and i'm still getting myself lost everyday. Thought Jon.
It's already noon when he had figure out where he was. He made a left turn at the junction and saw the roadsign that he was looking for. Sweat was dripping on his shirt. Half of his shirt is wet now. Sound of beer bottles knocking on each other can be heard coming out from the plastic bag that he's holding in his palm.
Sweat was all over his forehead, beard growing out of his chin and a bruised nose. Life has been miserable when the only woman he had ever loved broke up with him. That's when he decided to finally move out of the town to this deserted surburb where no one could find him. He felt lost....no... he wanted to be lost.
He started to slow down his pace when a wooden cottage lying dead at the end of the road is slowly appearing in his sight. He stopped at the front door of the pathetic cottage and took out a 19th century-looking key to unlock the door.
Sunlight began to shine in when the door cracked open. The light had reveal the things in the small room. A bed, cupboard, timber table, chairs, fan, kitchen stove, a door that leads to the bathrooon and amazingly a new frige stading at the corner of the wall. He paused for a moment looking at the fridge before he walked towards it to put the beers and food he bought. He remebered how the landlord refused to gave him a new refrigerator when the old one was obviously broken and the landlord's wife was looking at him feeling sorry.
He sat on the chair and switched on the fan. The angry faces of Nigel started to flew into his mind.
"No. How can u move out like this? You can barely survive! Jon, could you just stop being such a loser and start finding a proper job? It's just a break-up".
"Oh ya?! it's easy for you to say. How about your precious Kisha?".
"You bastard!"
Jon suddenly opened his eyes and stand up straight as if he felt pain in his body. He put his hand on his bruised nose, gazed at his empty room and sighed
"And it still hurts... all of that...everyone..."
Novry ~the begin of a secret~
The world is getting darker n darker everyday. There are natural disasters at different corners of the world and many animals were dead out of no reason. THE END IS NEAR. Thought Jon.
The rainstorm doesn't seem to stop here in England too. The rain has been splashing the car window for hours. "Isn't it weird? my house is just right opposite the street but i have to sit in the car and wait...geez..." complaint Jonathan while he took out the cigarette from his pocket. Kisha was here since an hour ago. As usual, the beautiful white mansion has become a war zone.
It's always stressful to hang around Nigel but it is worse when Nigel is in a bad mood. "Frighthening? horrible? disastrous? all of these describe the feeling in my mind...ahhh..." said Jon "If only she was here. She would have make me feel better." She always make him feel better no matter what is happening around him. Even her slightest smile would make him feel warmed. Unfortunately, she had to leave the town for a few months. And the reason was not even convincing. Thought Jon.
Jon gaze at the empty seat beside him for a while. He then decided to put the cigarette back into his pocket.
A car move out of the front gate of the white mansion. Jonathan watches as the car was driven away.
"It's time to go home."
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"Were you waiting in the rain?" asked Nigel.
"yes..." answered jon softly.
"You must be out of your mind! Can't you see there is a thunder storm out there? Jesus!.... When will you start to grow up?" shouted Nigel.
Jon just stand there pretending that he did not hear anything.
He walk back to his room after he heard a loud bang coming from Nigel's room's door.
"Here we go again." Jon.
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In his room, he switched on the laptop n started staring at the blank screen.
"Did i make a mistake? I should have stop Kisha... but I didn't have much choice. It all happened too fast and i had to make a decision. Was it wrong? Was it my fault again?!...oh....Ouch! my head.." he suddenlly feel pain all around his head
"i really have to calm myself down." he took out 2 painkillers n swallow them along with the cold water that was left on the table since that morning.
He sat on the big brown chair n close his eyes...
The rainstorm doesn't seem to stop here in England too. The rain has been splashing the car window for hours. "Isn't it weird? my house is just right opposite the street but i have to sit in the car and wait...geez..." complaint Jonathan while he took out the cigarette from his pocket. Kisha was here since an hour ago. As usual, the beautiful white mansion has become a war zone.
It's always stressful to hang around Nigel but it is worse when Nigel is in a bad mood. "Frighthening? horrible? disastrous? all of these describe the feeling in my mind...ahhh..." said Jon "If only she was here. She would have make me feel better." She always make him feel better no matter what is happening around him. Even her slightest smile would make him feel warmed. Unfortunately, she had to leave the town for a few months. And the reason was not even convincing. Thought Jon.
Jon gaze at the empty seat beside him for a while. He then decided to put the cigarette back into his pocket.
A car move out of the front gate of the white mansion. Jonathan watches as the car was driven away.
"It's time to go home."
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"Were you waiting in the rain?" asked Nigel.
"yes..." answered jon softly.
"You must be out of your mind! Can't you see there is a thunder storm out there? Jesus!.... When will you start to grow up?" shouted Nigel.
Jon just stand there pretending that he did not hear anything.
He walk back to his room after he heard a loud bang coming from Nigel's room's door.
"Here we go again." Jon.
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In his room, he switched on the laptop n started staring at the blank screen.
"Did i make a mistake? I should have stop Kisha... but I didn't have much choice. It all happened too fast and i had to make a decision. Was it wrong? Was it my fault again?!...oh....Ouch! my head.." he suddenlly feel pain all around his head
"i really have to calm myself down." he took out 2 painkillers n swallow them along with the cold water that was left on the table since that morning.
He sat on the big brown chair n close his eyes...
Novry - the begin of a secret - chapter one
jonathan seems to face a lot of problems these day..... well, it's not exactly him who face all the problem.... it's his brother.... nigel... and the major headache kisha who cant seem to stop bothering nigel... it's not a 'first-time-event' but every time it happens... it's just like a new niddle being stucked on jonathan's butt... small but painful... barely noticeable but hard to ignore.... yes.... pure frustration.... and worst.... other relative has even interfere and this has created new problems for poor Jon... he just cant seem to find a way out... the beer he holds in his hand has turned warm but he has not realized that... he has totally spaced out standing in the backyard.
trees shaking as the wind blows towards him.. he can feel the breeze tru his hair n fingers...but that does not make him any feel better
"oh poor nina...and what shud we do about that?...it's definitely a problem with no perfect solution... that...i'm sure...what's with her mum lately anyways? stress again? ha...like there has been any difference in all these years... i hope nina wud feel better now.. there nothing much she can help." whisper Jonathan.
"and there is exactly nothing i can do about it... how ironic...i still rmb how gud i was at solving these mess but now i just feel like taking out a gun n shoots everyone down...it's driving me insane." mumbling to himself in frustration.
standing in the darkness, he took a sip of the bitter beer n walk back to his bedroom. Lying there on the old wooden bed, he stared at the shadows of the waving trees outside the window for half and hour. finally, his tired eyes were closed.
trees shaking as the wind blows towards him.. he can feel the breeze tru his hair n fingers...but that does not make him any feel better
"oh poor nina...and what shud we do about that?...it's definitely a problem with no perfect solution... that...i'm sure...what's with her mum lately anyways? stress again? ha...like there has been any difference in all these years... i hope nina wud feel better now.. there nothing much she can help." whisper Jonathan.
"and there is exactly nothing i can do about it... how ironic...i still rmb how gud i was at solving these mess but now i just feel like taking out a gun n shoots everyone down...it's driving me insane." mumbling to himself in frustration.
standing in the darkness, he took a sip of the bitter beer n walk back to his bedroom. Lying there on the old wooden bed, he stared at the shadows of the waving trees outside the window for half and hour. finally, his tired eyes were closed.
