The Secret, Part 2

When last we visited the subject, the 10 year old me had just overheard the drunken uncle pronounce to the world (well, where she could overhear it anyway), that she has a sister. The thing is, I can remember hearing that and not being overly surprised by it... I'm not sure why. If I had heard it before then I had forgotten it.

I had an aunt, 3 years older than me, who absolutely despised the ground I walked on when we were kids, and at the time I could not understand why. I turns out that that particular aunt wasn't an aunt after all, she was the sister. I was somewhat happy about having a sister, but at the time I didn't understand why she hated me. I do now of course, it was because I was the one our mother kept.

My sister and I have had a tumultuous relationship throughout the years. We have gotten along as if we were best friends, and fought as if we were, well, you know....... sisters. We aren't close, but when we do see each other it is as if everything is as it should be.

I haven't seen her or spoken to her in almost 8 years, for various, non-specific reasons.

That's it.. the whole story.

Email of the Day

"Now, don't laugh!" said Ed to his doctor.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest little willy the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been any bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor, laughing uproariously. Ten minutes later, he was finally able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentlemen, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"

To which Ed replied, "It's swollen."

HAHAHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAA HA (deep breaths) HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA

A Humdrum Day

The Secret

Most of my friends, even the ones who know me well... do not know this story. One friend, who knows me well does know this story, but is still demanding an explanation (the fraud).

Fine. An explanation you shall get. But first I will explain my reasoning for leaving The Secret out of the last post. That post was a post of my memories, not my traumas, of the good things, not the upsetting things. The Secret did not seem to fit. I was told that if I had no intention of posting The Secret then I should just leave that paragraph out of the post. No.. (said I), as it is too clear of a memory of that day. It had to be included. Then (said he) include The Secret. No.. (said I), it doesn't fit.

So here we stand. I will spill the beans, as it were. I will quote my dear drunken uncle, but first you must picture in your mind a 10 year old girl, long tangled hair streaming behind her, a few lobster antenna clutched in her fist, making her way in her Newfie rubber boots through the empty house to the restroom.... seeing her drunken uncle and his friend out of the corner of her eye, but not paying much mind to them, when she overhears this sentence:

"That one there doesn't even know she has a sister."

Newfoundland

St. Anthony in 1933

My mother's side of the family are Newfoundlanders, a/k/a Newfies. I spent many many summers in Newfoundland as I was growing up. I haven't been back there in 20 years, but maybe it is time for a visit. A lot of my cousins have moved away, as the work is a bit scarce there, but I still have several aunts and uncles scattered throughout the island.

I remember being there when I was small. My grandparents had 13 kids, so when I was there I was just one of a very large crowd. I played with my cousins (we played chicken with rocks.. I ended up with more than one good lump on my head), I wandered along the banks of the harbor and poked sticks at jelly fish. I wore my rubbers (boots... shaddup ya pervs) and waded through the brooks like any good tomboy would. I was dragged to nearby ponds and caught the cutest little trout with my cousins, which we would then take back to my grandmother who would cook them up (I wouldn't eat them, hated fish even then).

I remember the day the family decided to have a BBQ and a lobster feast. I refused to try the lobster, but I was fascinated with their long antenna things. I was collecting them up (don't ask me why, I was a kid.. kids do weird things). That is the day I was clogging through the house to the restroom, everyone was outdoors except one uncle and his friend, and they had been drinking. My uncle, apparently thinking I had been struck deaf, told his friend about something that, to me, was life changing. I pretended to be deaf.. and later asked my mother who confirmed what he said. Maybe I'll post about that another day.

I would giggle at my grandmother every time she would use butter on her knife to snag a soda biscuit from across the table.. I think she knew it amused me so she kept doing it. I learned to love hot tea with a lot of milk. I would whine whenever they had fish n'brews for dinner, but I think at this point I would be willing to give it another go. I went berry picking for Blackberries or Bakeapples, if we were there late enough in the season. To this day I crave those silly things.

One year my uncle took me out in his dory to an iceburg that had floated up into the harbor (harbour, I must remember I was in Canada then and put in the U). Iceburgs are hard as rocks, I tried scratching it but it was too hard, I couldn't mark it at all. I can see how those things could sink a ship. As we were rowing back in, the neighbor kid (the one that I had the HUGE crush on) was out rowing around in his boat and rowed up next to us. Definite crush material, that one was.



I remember the time I shared a twin bed with my new husband. We hadn't been married long... but sleeping in a twin bed with a person for a week would try the patience of a saint. But it wasn't all bad..... ;-)

That year we were up on Fishing Point (the point of land that overlooks the north Atlantic... the lighthouse was there) with my cousin and her husband. We were wandering around, just talking and having a good time, when lo and behold, out in the water were two humpback whales. Being from Oklahoma, seeing something like that is an amazing thing. I stood there with my back warming against my husband, watching the whales. That is one of my favorite memories. There was a photographer from National Geographic there, taking pictures of the whales.

Later we all jumped in our van (yes that van), and sat and talked as the sun went down. The nippers (mosquitoes to the uninitiated amongst us), they knew there was warm blood in that van, and they lined up along the windows daring us to come out. It was a bit frightening actually. I swore then that I would never ever complain about the mosquitoes in Oklahoma again. I haven't talked to that cousin in probably 18 years. I think it may be time to give her a call.

The last time I was there was when my grandfather died. My daughter wasn't quite 2 years old at the time. She swept them off their feet, as she has done to so many over the years. My grandmother, who had so many grand kids and great grand kids that I think she had trouble remember all of our names.. she adored the baby that my daughter was. I wish they could meet now. Actually, now that I think about it, my grandmother was a difficult woman and my daughter is definitely hard to get along with. Maybe my kid comes by it honestly after all. Maybe she's just channeling the cantankerous Newfoundlander.

Yeah. I'm thinking it is definitely time for a visit.

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I'm Freeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Today was my day for jury duty. I went to the courthouse early so I could find a parking space, went in, did my civic duty of sitting in a fairly comfortable chair whilst reading Hamlet and watching the Travel Channel, and then the judge came in and thanked us for our time because the scumbag criminal plea bargained his way out of deep shit at the last minute.

So now I'm back at work with piles of work to do. Does that seem fair to you, dragging people away from their lives because some asshole decided he thought it would be a good idea to break and enter into a place that did not belong to him?

I don't think so either. Plea bargaining was way too good for the dumbass.

But on the bright side, I am free and clear, no more jury duty until 2009. God almighty that sounds like a long time away.

This Week

I have jury duty this week.. and its the week of Valentines Day, or as Shay put it, "Black Death Day."

It is strangely similar, jury duty and Valentines Day. Both make me wish I were somewhere else.

My Name

I thought I had a common name. My first name is definitely a common one, but when combined with my last name, it is a little less common than I thought. This is for the name that I go by these days.

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 7 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

For my birth name, there are 141 people with the name. For the name I went by before I was married, there are 45 people with the name. I hate being part of a crowd. I am on a mission to find a name that nobody else has. I think I will go by that instead.

*update*

My kid's names are original, nobody else in the US has those names, so I'm happy now.

Actually, I am wondering if those numbers aren't just made up on the spot and gullible people like me accept it as fact.

You Can Tell Me - I'm Hip!

Oh. My. God. This reminds me so much of my ex husband.

hehe

Email of the Day

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed,
Clueless


Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.

HAHAHA HAHAHAHAAAAAAAA

Oops

My office partner (who I have mentioned before) has a MySpace page. I have told her my opinion on that, but she ignores me. The problem with that is that anytime I do anything slightly funny and/or embarrassing, she tells me she is going to blog it. She doesn't know I have a blog either, so whenever she does something funny and/or embarrassing, I at least give her the comfort of not knowing she's being blogged about.

How considerate of me, eh? hehe

Email of the Day

I found this wonderful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you.
It was to me, and it's very well written.
ENJOY!


" WINTER "
a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

SHIT!
It's Cold !

Nooo! Really????

U.S. Cigarette Pack Warnings Ineffective: Study

Last updated in 1984, pack labels need larger type, graphic images to dissuade consumers

I have to give credit where credit is due. This article discusses the most absurdly obvious study that I've seen in a while. Now they are saying that drawing pictures for us might help.

Are these people unaware that smokers KNOW the dangers by now?? I don't smoke anymore, but when I did I knew exactly what I was doing, but I just didn't give a flying fuck. Pictures would not deter me anymore than the current warning labels did.

Another example of scientists/goverment/everybody who is not us, thinking that we are too stupid for our own good...

PICTURES??? Come on now.

I do confess to being fascinated with the Canadian warning labels a few years back. A friend from Canada came to visit and her cigarette pack had a picture of a limp cigarette with the warning that smoking causes impotence. That one made me giggle.

Women's Dictionary

Courtesy of the WRS - Thanks Doc! ;-)


DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

I've Been Bad, I Need Therapy

When did going to therapy become a form of public apology? I am (at this point) referring to the San Francisco mayor who was recently outted about having an affair with a married woman. I have no idea if he is married or not, that is beside the point. The point is, he was caught and now he is checking himself into rehab. This isn't the newest idea in the world. Remember a few weeks ago, the Miss USA (or some such silly title like that), was caught drinking, and she was underage. Instead of having her title taken away, she went to rehab. Rehab makes everything better. Rehab earns a person oodles of forgiveness. Rehab is the new confessional. With rehab nobody ever has to face up to the true consequences of what they have done.

I can see it now... a 5 year old sneaks a cookie for dinner and gets caught. "I'm really sorry mommy, I need rehab." Our kids are learning some valuable lessons.

I mean really - I have been no angel in my life, but if I am ever confronted I will just say I need rehab. That will fix everything.

HAHAHAHAHA

Ever since I did this post, I have gotten several search hits for Manties.

Every single one of them originate in Florida. What the hell is going on down there???