Have You Ever.......

Told a Brit that the only thing Americans know about them is what we learn from Monty Python, and that when we meet them that we're usually unpleasantly surprised to find that they really aren't that funny after all?

You should try it. It pisses em off. hehe

Halloween

In the world of my youth, Halloween was a huge production. We (as in all the neighborhood kids) would plan our costumes down to the tiniest details. I can't remember any of my costumes that I ever wore, but I do remember one of the neighbor boys going as a mummy, drifting gauze and all. As soon as it was dark outside we would be in our costumes and waiting at the door for our friends to show up, so we could go Trick or Treating in the 10 block radius around our houses. Our parents didn't have to come to protect us from the roaming pedophiles, because at that time we were mostly innocent, and trusted our neighbors. We would Trick or Treat until we couldn't take another step or until our bag got too heavy to carry.

We would ask the other kids which houses had the best treats and which ones were too scary to walk up to. I specifically remember one house that had cedar trees across the front of the porch, and the other Trick or Treaters telling us there was a man in a gorilla suit hiding behind the trees. I bypassed that house. I may have been a greedy kid, but I was definitely not stupid. The kids would warn each other.. Don't go to THAT house, she's giving out popcorn balls! I always went because I liked popcorn balls, and because it was usually a little tiny old lady who was having as much fun handing them out as we were having roaming the neighborhood.

Today the kids have no idea what they are missing. The innocence is gone. The kids are afraid to go Trick or Treating, and the sad thing is, they have reason to be.

Oops

I just spent the last hour on the phone with the WRS, and now I'm late for work and now I can't post anything fun and earth shatteringly interesting and now I must go to work with all the frustrated creativity flowing through my veins and now I won't be able to concentrate on the important work that I must do when I get to the office and now society as I know it will collapse in a dirty heap of disappointment.

Its all the WRS's fault.

Homework Cheats

Since yesterday I have gotten about 5 search hits (all from the UK) for "what's the name of the sister of the wicked witch who gets squished by a house" or "what's the name of the wicked witch who gets squished by a house in Wizard of Oz." Obviously this is some kind of weird assignment and I am all about helping, so I will help you guys out.

Elphaba Thropp is the name of the wicked witch. I can't remember her sister's name and I have loaned the book to someone, but I'm sure you can find a synopsis online. The book is called "Wicked." (Come on, you don't expect me to do ALL the work for you, do you??)

OH FINE. Look in Wikopedia. I have done ALL the work for you, you slackers.

This reminds me. I need to ask for that book back. She's had it for months.

I Have Made a Discovery

I was given the Monty Python's Flying Circus DVDs for my birthday. But you know that because I already told you.

The discovery is this:

The name Harry Potter is not original. (Cue dramatic musical exclamation point here.) Actually, the original Harry Potter was known as Harold Potter. He was turned into a Scotsman by a tennis obsessed blancmange.

Hey don't shoot me, I'm just the messenger. I must tell it as I see it.

Now, for your viewing pleasure....... Hell's Grannies

Have You Ever Wondered......

Why, in movies, in shootouts where the people are wearing bullet vests, the ignorant shooters still shoot at them in the chest or back, when a clean headshot or even a shot in the kneecap would obviously get the job done?

Examples:

Mrs & Mrs. Smith
Superman Returns

Yes I know. I need a life.

Offend the Masses

A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. 350,000 Mexicans have died and over a million have been reported injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to assist the country. Europe is sending food and money.

Texas is sending 350,000 replacement Mexicans.

Pumpkin Collection (continued)

hehe

Happy Birthday to Me

Tomorrow is my birthday. The only ones who remember it these days are the people at work. (Sad but true, when you reach my age nobody feels the need to acknowledge it anymore I suppose.)

But today, the office furnished donuts for my birthday (mmmmmmmm donutssss), my boss gave me presents (DVDs of Monty Python & The Flying Circus, a $50 gift card, and the most awesomest pirate birthday card, hehe), and then they all took me to lunch at an Indian/Tibetan restaurant. My mouth still burns.

Birthdays aren't so bad.

;-)

Another one for the pumpkin collection.

Games

Shhhhhhhhhhh

These are time waster games for when you are at work. I won't tell your boss that you know about them, if you don't tell my boss that I told you about them.

The first is a parking game. You have to try to park the car, and it is harder than it looks.



The second one is a helicopter game, also addictive and harder than it looks (as you can see from the screen rip, I caught it just as I was about to run into a wall).



These games sugar free, low fat and no carbs, so play them as much as you want without the guilt.

A Social Commentary

I found this article completely offensive to 600 pound dead people.

A dead man had one final earthly act before moving on.

Fire officials said the six-hundred pound man was in being cremated when his body fluids were too much for the oven.

The body fluids seeped out onto the floor and ignited causing a fire at the Garner Funeral Home in Salt Lake City. "Those fluids can be very flammable," said Scott Freitag of the Salt Lake City fire department. "Sort of like a grease fire."

An employee used an extinguisher to put out the fire.

The room is self-contained and has its own drainage system. "There really is no risk or a hazard of it getting into the sewer system, the water system or into the general public," said Freitag.

Firefighters rarely see these kind of fires. But they say a six-hundred-pound body can create problems during a cremation. "It really does condense or breaks down that fat into a greasy product, just like a grease fire," said Freitag. "Only a little bit can cause a flame to go up."

The crematorium is back in business and the funeral director said they'll notify the family to assure them their loved one wasn't harmed.

• First of all, to describe a family member's cremation as "a grease fire," is offensive.
• Second of all, how can they notify the family that their loved one wasn't harmed, when obviously he was being cremated. The harm came from calling the guy a grease fire.
• Thirdly, to assume the fire was a byproduct of the guy's girth is offensive. It could possibly have been because he had drank a gallon of gasoline before his death.
• And finally, to add the line "A dead man had one final earthly act before moving on" is totally offensive, implying that the guy turned himself into a grease fire on purpose. I'm pretty sure he was a complete accidental grease fire.

The offensive article is found here. I am going to make it my life's goal to point out (make fun of) any article that can be deemed as offensive.

My powers must be used for the good of mankind. (Snicker)

Urban Legends

I was looking up Urban Legends, just for shits & grins, and came across a few that were interesting. I am listing some of them here. Your job is to tell me which ones are true and which ones are false. 37,583 points to the person who gets the most right. :-)

1. Disgruntled worker decides to lace the office coffee with "biological substance" (pee). TRUE, and ewww.

2. Goat murders owner who regularly abused him.
TRUE, and yes, the goat was given a pardon.

3. 21 people died in a tidal wave of molasses. TRUE.

4. Man commits suicide with a deck of playing cards. TRUE, and very clever.

5. 9 people died in a tidal wave of beer. TRUE.

6. There are recorded incidents of people "dying laughing."
TRUE. I could think of worse ways to go.

7. Man cuts off head of his wife's lover and gives it to her as a gift for the birth of her baby. TRUE.

8. "Hanging Man" in local funhouse turns out to be the corpse of a real person. TRUE.

9. Lightening strikes have killed people who were talking on the phone. TRUE, and ouch.

10. A golfer dies after chewing on his tee. TRUE,and what a dumbass.

Nihilistic said something about going to Snopes, which is where I got all of these from, but since he didn't (or didn't tell us if he did), the points go to....... ODAT...... who got 7 of the 10 right.

yayyyyy Odat. ;-)

The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything

That could almost be my theme song, except I have sniffed a stink bug.

All You Ever Wanted to Know About Me But Were Afraid to Ask

I am getting to the point that I think these meme things are a bit silly, but I liked this one and "borrowed" it from another blog before anyone got a chance to tag me with it. I freely confess to using this as filler content to keep from having to come up with anything original. So sue me.

Nine-Layer Cake
A meme to peel aways the layers of you.

LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Deb ;-)
-- Birth date: October 28, 1962
-- Birthplace: Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
-- Current Location: Savannah, Georgia
-- Eye Color: Very dark brown, nearly black
-- Hair Color: Brown (and that's all I'm saying about that)
-- Height: 5'6"
-- Righty or Lefty: Righty
-- Zodiac Sign: Scorpio

LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: Newfoundlander & Native American (I'm a white newfie squaw chick)
-- The shoes you wore today: Burgandy mules.
-- Your weakness: Ponytails, killer sarcasm & Scottish accents.
-- Your fears: That my daughter will never be okay.
-- Your perfect pizza: Pepperoni with extra cheese and extra sauce.
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: Immediate goal: To become certified paralegal; Long term goal: To live in another country, just for fun.

LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: I don't use AIM anymore.
-- Your first waking thoughts: OMG I'm late!
-- Your best physical feature: I have nice fingernails.
-- Your most missed memory: I think I'll skip this one for now, thanks.

LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: Jolt Cola
-- McDonald's or Burger King: McDonalds. I am hooked on the Monopoly game.
-- Single or group dates: Single.
-- Adidas or Nike: Whatever is on sale.
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Neither.. Red Rose.
-- Chocolate or vanilla: mmmmmmmmmm chocolate
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Both.

LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: Not for a year.
-- Cuss: As often as fucking possible.
-- Sing: I will hum "It's a Small World" at work just to annoy my office partner.
-- Take a shower everyday: I never take showers, but I love baths and take 1 or 2 a day.
-- Do you think you've been in love: Yes.
-- Want to go to college: Maybe, but who knows.
-- Liked high school: It was okay. I was too busy being responsible and shit to have much fun.
-- Want to get married: Been there done that, wrote the book. No way will I do it again.
-- Believe in yourself: If I don't, who will.
-- Get motion sickness: Umm, yeah, I'm a big baby that way.
-- Think you're attractive: I don't frighten small children or dogs.
-- Think you're a health freak: Definitely not. I think about doing better though.
-- Get along with your parent(s): Yes, most of the time.
-- Like thunderstorms: Almost my favorite thing.
-- Play an instrument: I play a mean set of spoons.

LAYER SIX: In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: Yes
-- Smoked: No
-- Done a drug: No (Tylenol PM, but I don't think that counts)
-- Made Out: Not since Scotland. :-(
-- Gone on a date: No.
-- Gone to the mall?: Yes
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: No
-- Eaten sushi: ewwww NO
-- Been on stage: No
-- Been dumped: No(ish)
-- Gone skating: No.
-- Made homemade cookies: Yes
-- Gone skinny dipping: No
-- Dyed your hair: I am in definite need of a dye job.. maybe tomorrow.
-- Stolen Anything: No

LAYER SEVEN: Ever...
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yes
-- Been caught "doing something": I've done lots of things, been caught at some of them, gotten away with some of them. This question needs to be more specific, such as: Been caught having sex behind the bushes at the local tourist trap cemetery? I would have to answer no to that one too, because we were never caught. ;-)
-- Been called a tease: Yes
-- Gotten beaten up: No... who would want to beat me up? I'm much too cute.
-- Shoplifted: No
-- Changed who you were to fit in: No. Love me or leave me the fuck alone.

LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you are hoping to be married: No way.
-- Numbers and Names of Children: There are two.
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: Okay, I'm falling off a cliff to certain death, and next to me in the fall is Brad Pitt and an Elvis impersonator minister, Brad and I get married just so we don't have to die single. Plus it made Elvis happy to be of use in the last few moments of his life.
-- How do you want to die: Falling off a cliff with Brad Pitt & and Elvis impersonator minister.
-- Where you want to go to college: Come on, college is for kids.. University is for the academic snobbery. One day, when I'm retired and bored, I will go to university.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: Comfortable in my own skin
-- What country would you most like to visit: Italy is next on my list to visit, but I would love to go back to Scotland to explore for a while longer.

LAYER NINE:
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: None.
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: My parents, my son, the WRS.
-- Number of CDs that I own: Not that many.
-- Number of piercings: None
-- Number of tattoos: None. Vibrating needles are scary things.
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: Ummm.. I was framed I tell ya!
-- Number of scars on my body: Two - one where I ripped my arm open trying to catch a frog (shaddup, I was 12), and one on my forehead where I had stitches when I was 3. That one has turned into a wrinkle. I call it my character wrinkle.
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: There are a few, some minor, some major. I would imagine that you will eventually find them all out as long as I continue to blog.

There ya have it. My last meme (until the next one). I refuse to be sucked into the tagging thing, so I won't tag anyone specific. If you want to do this one, go for it. If not, you will have bad luck for 13 years and you will sprout hideous tentacle-like zits on your forehead.

Or not.

HA HAHAHAHAAAAA

This is the funniest headline I have seen in a long time:

"GOP challenger denies calling Hillary Clinton ugly"

Who cares about the actual story, but I will link it just to be fair. The story will never ever be able to measure up to the promise of the headline.

I'm still snickering over it.

;-)

Email of the Day

The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.

Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it. The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time--we'll miss him."

"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."

Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."

But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."

With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!"

Oops. hehe

Offend the Masses

Since I have made it my life's goal to make sure everyone, at some point, gets offended on Sundays, I have decided to target specific demographic areas for mass offensiveness. Today is married couples.

I received this letter in my email:

Dear D:

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell.

Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center as a phlebotomist. It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens.

Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

Sincerely,

your bud

And........

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

There. I have done my Sunday best to offend. Enjoy.

Tonight

I have the above bottle of Riesling (Product of Germany). German wine.. sounds tasty, does it not? I believe I will imbibe and celebrate the birthdays of a couple of people who are no longer in my life, but who I think of often. One is today and the other is tomorrow, and since its the weekend I have no reason not to. First, I will go and put clean sheets on my bed along with a pile of blankets since it is starting to get cooler at night, and then rehang my curtains where they fell (dunno why), walk the dog, and put on the scariest movie I own and watch it and enjoy the wine.

Sounds like a bittersweet plan.

Happy Birthday you two, wherever you are.

I Have Been Tagged (Again)

Odat has tagged me for another meme thing. (What are the origins for the word "meme?") It sounds like a mysterious disease....

Oh my god she's got the Meme!!! Run for your lives!

Anyway, I will do my best to answer, although it is a bit too serious for my taste.

Five things I would do if I were a millionaire:
1. Have a house in Glasgow;
2. Pay off my rat trap car;
3. Pay off my parent's house;
4. Buy my daughter a house and ship all her crap that is stored in my dining area to her;
5. Buy a new sofa.

Five bad habits:
1. I live on junk food;
2. I can't go to sleep without a movie playing;
3. When I like someone I tend to think they can do no wrong;
4. When I dislike someone I tend to think they are responsible for all the world's woes;
5. I don't get nearly enough exercise.

Five things I hate doing:
1. Folding and putting away laundry;
2. Scheduling depositions;
3. Carrying out the trash;
4. Eating cauliflower;
5. Plucking my eyebrows.

Five things I would never do:
1. Go bungee jumping;
2. Get a tattoo;
3. Pierce a nipple (OMG OUCH);
4. Get back together with my ex husband;
5. Buy a Kia.

Five things I regret doing:
1. Moving to Savannah;
2. Giving away my cat;
3. Giving up painting;
4. Trying Wasabi;
5. Smoking.

Five favorite things:
1. Blogging;
2. Jake (my dog);
3. Scotland;
4. A fire in the fireplace on a cold night;
5. Talk Like A Pirate Day.

There. Done. I am going to tag EVERYONE. If you read this list, consider yourself tagged. Answer if you like, don't answer if you don't wanna. ;-)

Saturday

Remember Jolt Cola? I haven't had that in years, but I found it in a store near here yesterday. I bought some and I'm having it for breakfast as we speak. I expect it will give me so much energy I'll have this place completely redecorated and cleaned before noon.

I'll let you know if it works.

Email of the Day

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young Secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their Beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of Caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing
worked.

People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back... Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.......including the curtain rods.

HA HA HAAAHAHAHA HA HAAA

Pranks

I love pulling pranks on people. I don't do it very often or it will completely ruin my credibility and none of the pranks will work. My very best one though was one that I pulled on a girl I used to work with. She was about 8 months pregnant. One day at work, I called the office and disguised my voice (I had a friend in on it with me who went into the girl's office with her, just to keep her calm.. we didn't want any premature labor or anything going on). So anyway, I call and ask for her husband. She says he isn't there he is at work, but that she is his wife and can she help me....? I said, would you give him a message, tell him that his paternity tests are back and he needs to call the clinic.

"WHAT??? OMG!" (Of course at that time people rarely said OMG, they always said the full ohmygawd, but for time and space purposes I modernized it.)

I could not contain myself then, I burst out laughing, the friend in the office burst out laughing, and the girl figured out what was going on. I feared for my life. Good thing she couldn't catch me with that big baby belly of hers. hehe

I TOTALLY have a plan for my next prank. The next person that I hear who is having their dog neutered, is going to get a call from the vet's office, informing them that the dog had been neutered, but in the process it was discovered that the dog was a hermaphrodite and needed to be spayed as well.

That's going to be so fucking great. hehe

Happy Halloween

Another one for the pumpkin collection.

Funny Commercials

These things crack me up.

I Don't Get It

Why are these women so popular? Neither of them have any talent, they seem to just coast by on their tabloid worthiness. Jessica Simpson looks utterly deranged these days. And whats up with her dumping a guy that has a reputation as being one of the nicest guys around? If she can't get along with him she can't get along with anyone.....?

Now granted, at one time I liked Lindsey Lohan, back when she was a cute redhead. Now she looks like a washed up, constantly hungover barfly.

I saw these pictures and had to do an analysis. Here goes:

Jessica Simpson: Only famous because she didn't know what tuna was made from. Has a dad who is proud of his little girl's D cups. Sells wigs. Has an ego the size of the Asian Continent. Has eyeballs that look as if they will soon pop out and hit an unsuspecting paparazzi in the forehead. Can't get a date (probably because of those buggy eyes). Has supposedly made CDs, but oddly I, and nobody I know, has ever heard any of them. I personally wouldn't be caught dead with a Jessica Simpson CD in my car.

Lindsay Lohan: Still a kid so she may eventually come to her senses. She used to be adorable, now she looks washed up. Covers her gorgeous red hair with horrible black shit. Uses enough makeup to put Tammy Faye Baker to shame. Parties until she collapses then has her mother claim that the poor dear "works so hard that she's exhausted." Can't seem to get along with anyone. Hangs with Paris Hilton (ewww). I would never go see a movie that she is in.

I know that you were aching to hear my opinion on these two talented artists (snicker). Feel free to quote me.

My Theme Song

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The Reanimator

I have talked about my boss, and how well we get along. We usually have a bullshit session every day. Yesterday it was about a movie.

We share a love of cheesy horror movies. Usually the cheesier the better. A few weeks ago he lent me a movie called The Reanimator. It was right up there in badness. Since then he has rented the sequel, Reanimator 2. He was telling me about the movie yesterday and I was asking questions about characters from the first movie. In the first movie there was a mad doctor who was bringing dead folks back to life, and at the end of the movie he was seemingly murdered by one of his experiments. Yesterday I asked my boss was the mad doctor in the second movie. Yes, yes he was. (You have to understand this discussion is done with all seriousness.) I said that I was surprised he was in it since he was strangled with someone's large intestine at the end of the first one.... that usually when that happens the people stay dead. My boss said that has always been his experience.

I look over at the person I share an office with now and she is not even reacting, not cracking a smile, didn't even turn and look at us. No reaction whatsoever. How can someone not react to a conversation like that??

I think I'm going to like that girl. hehe

Its Lurvely

I love oriental art. At one time I was fairly good at it, but as with everything else, life got in the way and I stopped doing it. This video makes me want to start again, even if it is meant for demonstrating 3D rendering.

I'm Sleepy

I came home from work sleepy. I've been sleepy all afternoon. I think that is the side effect of having lunch at a yummy mexican restaurant. But on the bright side, I scored MAJOR brownie points today, with the card, and the latte (oh yeah, I didn't mention the latte did I), and then lunch, and only minimum whining about a last minute deadline.

And I tried very very hard, but I don't think I quite succeed, at sounding interested in his weekend football analysis. He took my "awww too bad" at his news of his two teams losing as a little insincere.

Good thing I thought of the latte.

Happy Boss Day!

Today is Boss Day, which I imagine is another one of those things cooked up by the card companies to guilt people into buying their cards. It worked. I bought my boss a card. I'm also taking him to lunch today. He's a good boss and I like him, so its all good, although Boss Day is probably one of those days that will be ignored by 98% of the population.

If you are an employee, don't forget to wish your boss a Happy Boss Day. If you are a boss and your employee doesn't acknowledge it, maybe you should look inside yourself to see what you are doing wrong, because obviously you are not well liked.... also its too bad that I'm not your employee... I'd be buying you lunch at a mexican restaurant. ;-)

(Turns out that Boss Day was started in 1958 by an employee of State Farm Insurance. Obviously State Farm wasn't keeping her busy enough.)

Welcome to OFFEND THE MASSES SUNDAY

I think I may make this a weekly event, "Offend the Masses Sunday." It has a nice ring to it. And really, what better day, Sunday, the holy day, the day of worship. The day to offend as many people as possible.





I live in Moderation, Georgia.


I may have posted this one before but I am too fucking lazy to go scan old posts to see. If I have, I humbly apologize for being redundant (bite my ass loser).


This one is for Odat and Bikerbabe. *snicker*


Completely self-explanatory. I should get this to wear on first dates.


This one made me giggle.



Ditto with this one.. it was on a blue shirt on the website.


This pretty much applies to this post as well. It says absolutely nothing about anything, which is basically what I was shooting for, so I have met my goal! woooo hooooooooo
(As always, these lovely fashion statements come from TShirt Hell.)

*Rant Alert*

I have, in the past, spoken about a former long-term relationship that I was involved in. I was crazy about that man.

Now I have no idea why.

When I first started blogging, I told him what I was doing, and I got nothing but attitude from him, that blogging was a ridiculous waste of time, etc. I continued because I enjoyed it. We parted ways (not because of the blog thing) and life went on.

However, now he has started a blog of his own. That is all fine and dandy and more power to him. I like to read his blog on occasion, because he is a very intelligent and imaginative writer, and so I know that things are well with him, but also because he tends to write.. lets just say…. offensive things about me, but in a snide, underhanded way, so that he can deny it later if it comes down to it. He forgets how well I know him.

He attempted to ban me from the blog (HA HA HA HA, I SPIT ON YOUR BAN), and then it just became a challenge to see what he was trying to hide. The last time I looked at it he had posted something about me, stopping just short of saying I was stalking him. Let me elaborate on something here - this is the man who has hacked my computer, had his hacker friends watching everything I did on the internet (or so he said anyway)… told me that he had someone in my apartment complex watching my every move, so I’d better not dare bring another man there, called the phone company to find out who I had been calling, called me a whore because I called someone in Dallas (my brother), etc.

I would like to say, right here, for all the world to see… that I know the man’s full name, where he works, his cell phone number, where his family members work, the town where his dad lives, his dad’s name, his brother’s name, etc. If I wanted to stalk the man, he would know he was being fucking thoroughly stalked. Through my job I have access to records that are made for specifically locating someone and everything about them, including any professional licenses and their neighbor’s names and phone numbers. He might be surprised to know that I can't be arsed to even do that.

What a fucking ego. He destroyed our relationship, and I just don’t give a flying fuck anymore. I have deliberately left my blog where it has always been and he is free to come and go as he likes, read what he likes, and I have made a point of trying not saying anything nasty about him, or to even refer to him.

This is the only time I will be nasty. Tomorrow I will go back to being respectful of the man.

But at this moment, he is a complete egotistical moron, and I have no need to stalk anyone, least of all him.

That is all. Rant over.





(I shouldn't be blogging in the middle of the night, its possibly not good for my stress levels, hehe)

Stewart

Stewart, the Homicidal Cereal Killer Rodent from New Jersey, as he has come to be known, has been spotted in the home of Boondoggled patron, Bikerbabe. There are those of you who may be unfamiliar with the world reknowned mouse's history, the highlights of which follow:

Stewart was one of a set of twins, born to his unwed mother in the field four houses down from the home of Bikerbabe. Stewart's childhood was uneventful, with no known traumatic issues to explain the reason for his turn to a life of crime. When contacted by this reporter, Stewart's elderly mother, Elvira, stated, "He was a good boy, a little quiet, but he never caused a speck of trouble, not a speck!" When asked about her other son, Bucky, Elvira said, "NO COMMENT!" She then ended the interview. Further attempts to contact Elvira have been unsuccessful.

The body of Stewart's twin brother, Bucky, was recently discovered in the basement of Bikerbabe, and the story began to unfold. Also discovered in the vicinity were four other deceased mice, believed to be the bodies of Stewart's first four wives, who have been reported missing by their families. From clues found with the grisly discovery, authorities have come to believe that Stewart discovered illicit relationships between his wives and his twin brother, and killed them all in a jealous rage. At this time the cause of death is unclear, but is being investigated by the state pathologist.

Stewart still remains at large.

Bikerbabe is offering a large reward for his capture.

Body Building

I have a good friend who is into the whole fitness thang. She goes to the gym twice a day, she will answer my stupid questions about what exercises will flatten tummy muscles (although I never do them, it was actually just a test to see if she knew). She will tell me what I should eat to lose weight, and I can hear her roll her eyes when we're talking on the phone and I tell her I just had pizza (she can't help but mutter "whatever," though, because she freely admits to having to have the last word about everything). Anyway, during one of our many bullshit on the phone sessions, she let slip a few secrets of bodybuilding contests. I told her I was going to put them on my blog. Her only request was that I don't say where they came from.

So her code name, when I refer to her, is The Fitness Nazi. ;-)



Okay, so she told me that when these people get ready to go up on stage and do these body building contests, they spray themselves with some orange shit, like fake tan, so their muscles can be more defined. She said it looks horrible and embarrassing in public, and doesn't wash off easily, but it looks great on the stage.



They also spray themselves with Pam, you know, the cooking spray shit, to give them that oily look.



Also, before they walk out onto the stage, they will either eat chocolate, or drink a glass of wine, because it makes their veins stand out.

From what I understand... and I could be completely wrong on this part so don't scream if I am because I will correct it in a later post..... these people don't look like this all the time. When they know they are going to do a contest they limit themselves to a very specific diet (I will find out what it is and post that later), and that they are practically dehydrated (which is why the wine works so well on enhancing their veins). If you see them a couple of months AFTER a contest they wouldn't look like this at all.

Interesting.


(P.S.: When I informed The Fitness Nazi of her new name, she was not amused. hehe)

Oh The Satisfaction

I found someone to rip to shreds.

I had to order a certain weight of cardstock for some appeals briefs that were to be filed. It was an emergency order, and the guy I ordered it from knew it. He brought the ream of cardstock to me and gave it to me with an invoice, which I failed to look at while he was there. After he left I glanced at it and HOLY FUCKING SHIT he charged me $120 for one ream of cardstock!

I was livid. Now granted that money does not come out of my pocket, but it was the principle of the thing dammit.

THEN.. when I started doing the appeal briefs, I open the package of cardstock (half expecting to be laced with pure gold), and it turned out to be paper. I was being made to pay $120 for a ream of paper.

I called the guy and politely asked did he MEAN to charge me $120 for one ream of the wrong fucking shit. He said he didn't mean for it to be the wrong stuff, but the price was correct.. then had the BALLS to ask me did I want to keep it.

NO COME GET IT. At that price I would be afraid to touch it.

He was a little unhappy with me. I was a LOT unhappy with him. Too bad too cuz he was damn cute, which explains why I didn't look at the invoice when he was there. I was too busy checking out his ass.

;-)

The Great Pumpkin Shortage of 2006

I was just reading The Wonderful World of Nothing Worthwhile, and he was commenting on the possible pumpkin shortage this year (okay panicking a little about it actually).

I thought I would do my part to ease the minds of anyone who might be buying into the paranoia:





I have my jack-o-lantern. :-)

OK. I'm Better Now.

And to prove it, in the spirit of lighthearted fun, I am posting the following jokes. In no way should these be taken as men bashing, because I have in the past posted picking on women jokes.

Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? A: Shoot him again.

Q: Why do little boys whine? A: Because they are practicing to be men.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A1: One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him, A2: three - one to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You're not holding the pillow down hard enough.

Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg? A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their mates after mating? A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women ... ? A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money, furs, and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your email? A: Rename the folder to "Instructions Manual".

Oh shut up. You know you laughed.

muttermutterbitchwhinemoanmutter

I was in a hellish mood today. I was hoping someone would be nasty to me so I could rip their heads off. Unfortunately everyone was fairly polite and noted the scowl and stayed out of my way.

Chickenshit assholes.

Maybe someone will be nasty tomorrow. MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

Weird Dreams

I had very busy dreams last night (as usual). This time I tried to make an effort to remember the things I saw in the dreams. The list is:

Snakes
Ostrich
Rotten Fish
Flood
Antique Cars

So I, in my ongoing quest for self knowledge, looked up on the Dream Moods website to see what these particular things meant.

Snakes: To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream, signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced. The snake may also be seen as phallic and thus symbolize dangerous and forbidden sexuality. The snake may also refer to a person around you who is callous, ruthless, and can't be trusted. As a positive symbol, snakes represent transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes.

Ostrich: To see an ostrich in your dream, suggests that you are not facing reality and living in a world of your own. You may be in denial or unwilling to accept a situation. Alternatively, the ostrich can symbolize truth and justice.

Rotten: To dream that something is rotten, suggests that you are wasting away your potential. You have failed to make use of the opportunities that have come your way.

Fish: To see fish swimming in your dream, signifies insights from your unconscious mind. Thus to catch a fish, represents insights which have been brought to the surface. The fish is also an ancient symbol of Christianity and Christian beliefs. Consider also the common phrases "like a cold fish", "fish out of water" or something that is "fishy" about a situation. It may also imply a slippery or elusive situation. To dream that you are eating fish, symbolizes your beliefs, spirituality, luck, energy and nourishment. It is food for the soul. To dream of cooking fish, indicates that you are incorporating your new realizations with your spiritual feelings and knowledge. To dream that you are cleaning fish, suggests that you are altering your emotional expression in a way that will be presentable to others. You are censoring yourself and not expressing how you completely feel.

Flood: To see a raging flood with its muddy debris, represents emotional issues and tension. Your repressed emotions are overwhelming you. Consider where the flood for indications of where in your waking life may a situation be the source of stress and tension.

Antique: To dream of antiques, represent your time honored values, tradition and wisdom. It symbolizes something genuine or proven. It also symbolizes things in your past that may be worth holding onto or worth keeping. If you do not like or appreciate antiques, then is suggests that you are moving away from outdated childhood conditioning or old modes of thinking. On a negative note, you may be discarding or rejecting something of value that you should really be embracing and heeding.

Car: To see a parked car in your dream, suggests that you need to turn your efforts and energies elsewhere. You may be needlessly spending your energy in a fruitless endeavor. Alternatively, a parked car my symbolize your need to stop and enjoy life. To dream that you cannot find where you parked your car, suggests that you do not know where you want to go in life.

Okay so, from the above list, I can conclude that:

1. I am unable to accept my hidden fears and worries which is causing me to waste my potential and hide my true feelings from everyone, and such repression is causing me emotional distress, that I am trying to hold on to the past but that I should turn my efforts and energies elsewhere; or

2. I am undergoing positive change and finally facing the truth, but that I have failed to go for opportunities that have come to me, that I am a "fish out of water" with repressed emotions, that I'm moving away from outdated thinking and that I am discarding something of value that I should be holding on to; or

3. I am a bored individual with too much time on my hands and that I need to get my fucking ass to work.

The End.

;-)

People Are Funny

Our computer network at work was broken yesterday. All of the information that we needed to access was on a server that bit the dust. While the IT people worked on it (it took all day), we mostly just twiddled our thumbs and did small things to look busy(ish). My boss had dictated some stuff that I typed up but couldn't finish because the information I needed was on the broken server. But yeserday afternoon boredom had started to set in, so instead of waiting for the server to be fixed I just pulled out old letters to get the information I needed to finish up the new stuff.

When I had that finished, I had several people asking me if the server was fixed. "No." How are you doing that? "I'm just clever that way." No really, how are you accessing that info? "We have older letters we can go by, ya know, how the fuck did you people survive before computers??." Silence, as they walk away.

Really.. HOW DID THEY SURVIVE?

Email of the Day

This is an old one but it still makes me giggle.

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy,"You're in charge of sweeping". To the Scotsman, he says "You're in charge of shoveling". And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies".

So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese fella that he wasa ina charge of supplies,but he hasa disappeared and I coulda find him nowhere".

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meeself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese in chairge of supplies, boot ah could nay find him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,

"SUPPLIES!"

A Nice Day

I had something happen today that hasn't happened in a very long time. I had ordered something at work, and when the owner of the company that I had ordered from brought what I had ordered, he told me that I looked different, that my hair was different or something, and stared at me as if I were a t-bone steak and he was a starving man.

I thought my days of being somewhat edible looking were long over. My ego appreciated it. ;-)

Searches

I have been getting the weirdest search hits. Thanks to Roll who took over while I was in Scotland, I am getting several hits a day from people searching for "pubic waxing," some looking for videos, some not. Sickos. Next is "nudist." Freaks. In a close third comes people who are obviously looking for homework cheats about Hamlet. Lazy slackers do your own damn work.

I've had searches for meatloaf recipes.. yeah, this blog is all about spreading culinary joy. Also searches for "ex husband's new girlfriend." Okay, I admit to that one being funny and think everyone should have a look at that one. (My ex husband would strangle me if he knew what I had done, hehe.)

I've had a search for "skunk, open window, wife." I'd love to know the story behind the reason for that particular search.

Now, just for your entertainment (I live to entertain), I am including the following extremely pointless video. I equate it to watching grass growing, but for some reason it seems to be very popular on You Tube. I guess lots of people like this kind of entertainment. Enjoy.

I Want A Water Buffalo.......

Sorry guys, I have a thing for Larry.

(No cucumber jokes please.)

How Could This Happen?

Austrian’s body found 5 years after death

Man’s rent continued to be automatically withdrawn after he died

Updated: 1:41 p.m. ET Oct 4, 2006
VIENNA - Austrian authorities have discovered the body of a man who apparently died at home in bed five years ago, a Vienna newspaper reported on Wednesday.

The corpse of Franz Riedl, thought to have been in his late 80s when he died, went undetected for so long because his rent had been paid by automatic order from the bank account into which he received his pension, the daily Kurier said.

I think that has got to be one of the saddest stories I have read in a while, an old man dying alone in his bed, and not a soul on the face of the earth missed him, not even his neighbors, and nobody noticing for five years. FIVE YEARS!

Why was the old man so alone in the world?

Sonic Sucks

I was hungry for a cheeseburger. A Sonic Drive-In cheeseburger. I go there and I order. I get my order and I come home. When I get home I open it up and what do I get? NO CHEESE. I paid for the cheese! I specifically asked for the cheese.. what kind of moron leaves cheese off of a cheeseburger??

ARRRGGGHHH

Sonic sucks.

Email of the Day

Redneck Book of Manners

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

***DINING OUT ***

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods

***DATING (Outside the Family) * **

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some Will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

***WEDDINGS***

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a Cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

***DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER***

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records

HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA

OMG What Happened to Harry???

I'm shocked, SHOCKED I say!

(But I still laughed.)

Sassy

This is the tragic, epic tale of Sassy, the pet cicada. My son, the one who liked weird pets, once had a pet cicada that he named Sassy. (This was before Hank.) My son's grandfather had caught Sassy and tied a string around her so she could fly, but not far. He gave her to my son. My son was about 4, I guess, and he LOVED that bug. He took her outside for exercise every day, and she lived in a jar in his room at night. She only lived with us for a short time for reasons you will learn shortly.

One day my son had taken Sassy outside for her exercise. He let her fly around for a bit and then reigned her back in, and then put her in a tree so she could climb around a little bit. I was inside the house.

Now to complete the story, I must tell you about our family cat, Jessica. Jessica was the best cat in the world, I loved that cat. But she was, at the end of the day, a cat. A cat who liked to catch things. A cat who liked to eat things.

Yes. Jessica saw Sassy up in the tree and jumped up there and ate poor Sassy, right in front of my son's eyes. He was horrified.

He came into the house screeching, "JESSICA ATE SASSY JESSICA ATE SASSY!!!" After I got him calmed down enough to actually understand what was going on, I had a hard time not laughing, but the poor kid was so upset at seeing his friend eaten before his very eyes.

There you have it. The tragical tale of Sassy the cicada. Now your day is complete.