In the blink of an eye, everyone's now waiting to usher in 2010. For most people I know, it hasn't been a very good year.
Looking back on the year. There's juz been so many events that's happened. Let's see.....
For my family,
there was mom's op much earlier in the year. Not to mention the shocker that followed after was that she got diagnosed with cancer. After that, her 8 chemo sessions. Thank God that's all over now. And there were the countless arguments and disagreements that happened coz of a particular someone.
for grand, there was the very bad fall she had in august. broken arm, about 2-3 months of hospitalization. Loads of running up and down coz of that. Not to mention her dementia that's gotten way bad...
for bear, good for her I must say. She's now a pastor. She's always there when you need her. And i also realised that she's really been a friend towards some people I know of.
for koufu and family, well, another year goes by. Thankfully his health problems hasn't taken a toll for ther worst. the boys have managed to get through another school year.
kimpo, it's sad that she's no longer with us. but, i'm glad she's in a better place now. she was a really sweet old lady. always putting others before herself.
aunt ros, sadly, she got diagnosed with cancer too. thankfully, she's in quite good spirits and she's got a positive attitude.
For my friends,
well, things weren't working out between terence and i. I'm glad he's moving on.
nell and raaj... haha. now that's complicating. the constant arguments throughout the year. but nonetheless, i believe they still love each other. and bottom line, somehow, they're both still together. i pray that they'll both manage to find a way to work things out and stop arguing so much. learn to understand each other for who they are i guess..
donavan.. heh. well, i've got no comments there. he's been around when i need him most. his life, well, he's back in school. i'm not too sure bout r/s wise though. but i trust that he knows wad he's doing.
teresa.. haha. another long story. but then again, she's always here for me too. to rant, rave, kill time.... the fact that she's still dating after all this time means she's not giving up completely on love yet. I hope that maybe this new year will bring someone who's really suitable for her.
rodrick.. sometimes i think he's really too nice for his own good.. he's also been around for ben n me.. i'm quite surprised at the things that he'd sometimes do to help a friend. I hope that he'll find the things that make him happy.
eugenia.. hahaha.. this woman ah.. haven't caught up with her for the longest time.. but yeah. i'm glad she's one of those that whacks me in the head when she finds that she needs to. and i'm also glad that thomas and her are expecting their first child, shanon, which by right, should be due any time now..
geets.. this woman.. always so busy... hardly have time to catch up. and when we eventually do, there's so much drama in her life too...
esther leong.. prob known her the longest out of everyone mentioned above. we don't talk as much now. but we're always there for each other. glad that her life's pretty much coming along. she's doing the things she loves.. and definitely has people around her that love her..
well, these are juz some of my friends..
as for me...
in a way, i'm glad i got out of my last relationship. and i'm ever so thankful that i found ben too.. although, i can't help but wonder once in awhile whether i should really be in another relationship so quickly. hmm.. that's the problem with me.. i tend to think too much.. and i'm easily brain-washed by mom.
studies wise, i'm glad i've still got a school to go to despite nearly being kicked out last sem. i even scored credits for both the modules i did. =) so proud of myself. haha.
i'm glad i'm putting this brain of mine to good use. been serving in ministry. helping out where ever i can. been tutoring.. trying to make extra money on my own.
then, comes the down side. i still have horrible sleeping habits... i'm probably still the queen of last minutes.. but at the same time, i'm glad God never gave up on me. I've still seen some of the most amazing opportunities being thrown my way.
On the bright side, God delivered and brought us through all this crap. Even though there's been so many ups and downs, I'm really glad that through it all, he's brought me closer to the family. He's closed some doors but opened others. i'm glad that i've got so many people around me who care and love me. looking at things this way, i don't think this year has been all that bad... hah! i complicate myself...
i guess i juz take things upon myself too much. it juz pains me to see others around me suffering..
so here's me, praying that everyone of u out there who know me and have other problems of ur own have a better year ahead. =)
what doesn't kill u only makes u stronger. as much as u hate to admit it.. =x
love u all!
December 31, 2009
December 03, 2009
Ben's Birthday
wow.. today was definitely a day of ups and downs.. in a way, it was really freaky coz he seemed more down than happy. don't quite know what would cheer him up.. n he doesn't say much when he's upset. even worse. i got no idea wad's going thru his mind...
it was a total emotional roller coaster ride...
well, it usually is anyway.. life's still the same soap opera it's been for quite awhile now..
however, i guess it wasn't all that bad la.. 'cept for the fact that he's been long deprived of sleep. and i'm an idiot who can survive on little sleep if i have to.. haha.. he was practically falling asleep sitting on the chair while waiting for don.. heh.
dinner was quite a change of the usual too. not one of our usual haunts. marriot. hah! it was fun though. doubt we will do it too often.. i dunno bout him. but he should agree with me.. we'd rather be messy eaters! ahahahahahaha.. =p
it was a total emotional roller coaster ride...
well, it usually is anyway.. life's still the same soap opera it's been for quite awhile now..
however, i guess it wasn't all that bad la.. 'cept for the fact that he's been long deprived of sleep. and i'm an idiot who can survive on little sleep if i have to.. haha.. he was practically falling asleep sitting on the chair while waiting for don.. heh.
dinner was quite a change of the usual too. not one of our usual haunts. marriot. hah! it was fun though. doubt we will do it too often.. i dunno bout him. but he should agree with me.. we'd rather be messy eaters! ahahahahahaha.. =p
November 25, 2009
messed up world
Seeing a friend on a self-destruct path is never a good thing even though you don't know that person too well. What hurts more is to see someone close to you be so tormented over it.
Personally, hate is a very strong word to use. I really harbour no ill-intentions for people. If I don't like them, I just keep my distance.
Life is already twisted enough w/o people trying to play God.. people get hurt, upset, heartbroken even on a day to day basis. But.. why put people thru more than what's necessary?
I've learnt that good things in life just take time. Some longer than others. But all in good time..
Even if you don't know that person well, is it necessary to mess up a person's life more than it already is? I don't think so.
Even the healing process takes time.
sigh. i wonder why people do it..
Personally, hate is a very strong word to use. I really harbour no ill-intentions for people. If I don't like them, I just keep my distance.
Life is already twisted enough w/o people trying to play God.. people get hurt, upset, heartbroken even on a day to day basis. But.. why put people thru more than what's necessary?
I've learnt that good things in life just take time. Some longer than others. But all in good time..
Even if you don't know that person well, is it necessary to mess up a person's life more than it already is? I don't think so.
Even the healing process takes time.
sigh. i wonder why people do it..
November 17, 2009
The 20s crisis
I don't know about the majority. But quite a healthy number of people i know off suffer from this.
some get it better than others. the rest, well, tough luck i guess.
It's the time in life where we realise that life isn't as simple as it was made out to be or as it was made known to us.
All along, we've been hearing people tell us. Study hard. Get a good degree. Get a good job. But. Is it really enough? There are so many circumstances in this world that show us otherwise. We do everything we're told since we were kids... or almost everything. Our parents protect us. Teach us what's right and what wrong morally. They show us what to look out for in the world and tell us what the look out for in the future. (well.. some don't..) anyway, the question. is what they're doing really enough? is it even right to begin with.
It's SO unbelievably true that people learn best from experience. However, when parents do the above mentioned, what do the children benefit? and for the children. or if we're talking about the 20s crisis, then the young adult, what good is studying til you achieve the best piece of paper there is to get out there, but while studying, you neglect (usually by force) the part about gaining experience. getting down to the point, no one would agree to employ you if you only have theory but no work experience to back you up. so coming full circle, is a piece of paper really that important?
ok. so let's say you've got that ridiculous piece of paper.. you managed to get a job as a trainee in this market. with the economy in it's current state, plus people who don't trust others easily, bosses are trying to get the best out of what they're paying, employees don't quit even if they feel like shit coz of the fear that they won't land another job. what are the chances you'll actually get to learn stuff, get promoted and get the hard-earned pay increment without driving yourself six feet underground??
then there's always the case of others who are just like you. fighting for the exact things you're fighting for. what makes you more competent? what makes you stand out? what makes you succeed faster than the rest? even with the ideas and the know-how proven that you can do it, without experience, you're basically still a nobody.
then there's always the case of one still being young. people think you're as immature as you were when they saw you perhaps more than 10 years ago?! that doesn't help in getting things done either.
with the horribly underpaid salary, how is one expected to save for his/her own future. let's just assume a 1.8k paying job. $300 would probably go to travel expenses. $500 to food. $200 to bills. $400 to the parentals perhaps?! leaving you only $400 left for misc stuff. talk about a future of settling down... you probably gotta first start thinking of a way to get through the month... what if you start off with something less than 1.8.. what if there are other things that require your attention? medical bills perhaps? insurance?
in my opinion, you need money to generate more money. but with no money to begin with, how do you start generating some money for more money?
you end up where you are. not knowing how to get out of what you're in. not knowing what possible move you can next make. not knowing what will become of your future.
to be really negative, one could end up thinking that he/she would be better off alone. but.. we just weren't created for a world of isolation..
the thing about the world is that no one gives a shit about whether you're doing it for your own selfish reasons or whether you're doing it for more worthy causes.
it's sad. really. it is.
.:inspired by ben & shir's life of late:.
some get it better than others. the rest, well, tough luck i guess.
It's the time in life where we realise that life isn't as simple as it was made out to be or as it was made known to us.
All along, we've been hearing people tell us. Study hard. Get a good degree. Get a good job. But. Is it really enough? There are so many circumstances in this world that show us otherwise. We do everything we're told since we were kids... or almost everything. Our parents protect us. Teach us what's right and what wrong morally. They show us what to look out for in the world and tell us what the look out for in the future. (well.. some don't..) anyway, the question. is what they're doing really enough? is it even right to begin with.
It's SO unbelievably true that people learn best from experience. However, when parents do the above mentioned, what do the children benefit? and for the children. or if we're talking about the 20s crisis, then the young adult, what good is studying til you achieve the best piece of paper there is to get out there, but while studying, you neglect (usually by force) the part about gaining experience. getting down to the point, no one would agree to employ you if you only have theory but no work experience to back you up. so coming full circle, is a piece of paper really that important?
ok. so let's say you've got that ridiculous piece of paper.. you managed to get a job as a trainee in this market. with the economy in it's current state, plus people who don't trust others easily, bosses are trying to get the best out of what they're paying, employees don't quit even if they feel like shit coz of the fear that they won't land another job. what are the chances you'll actually get to learn stuff, get promoted and get the hard-earned pay increment without driving yourself six feet underground??
then there's always the case of others who are just like you. fighting for the exact things you're fighting for. what makes you more competent? what makes you stand out? what makes you succeed faster than the rest? even with the ideas and the know-how proven that you can do it, without experience, you're basically still a nobody.
then there's always the case of one still being young. people think you're as immature as you were when they saw you perhaps more than 10 years ago?! that doesn't help in getting things done either.
with the horribly underpaid salary, how is one expected to save for his/her own future. let's just assume a 1.8k paying job. $300 would probably go to travel expenses. $500 to food. $200 to bills. $400 to the parentals perhaps?! leaving you only $400 left for misc stuff. talk about a future of settling down... you probably gotta first start thinking of a way to get through the month... what if you start off with something less than 1.8.. what if there are other things that require your attention? medical bills perhaps? insurance?
in my opinion, you need money to generate more money. but with no money to begin with, how do you start generating some money for more money?
you end up where you are. not knowing how to get out of what you're in. not knowing what possible move you can next make. not knowing what will become of your future.
to be really negative, one could end up thinking that he/she would be better off alone. but.. we just weren't created for a world of isolation..
the thing about the world is that no one gives a shit about whether you're doing it for your own selfish reasons or whether you're doing it for more worthy causes.
it's sad. really. it is.
.:inspired by ben & shir's life of late:.
November 04, 2009
lost
i'm sitting here right now suddenly feeling lost. i don't know what's in store for the future. i don't know if what i'm doing is or what i will be doing constructive for my future. i don't know if it would end up more a disaster either.
in life, the biggest problem is when you think you know what you're doing or what you intend to do. but the people around you don't do things with the pace you want to get things done at. biggest problem is that nothing is within your control. you've done all you can and that's about it.
..disheartened..
in life, the biggest problem is when you think you know what you're doing or what you intend to do. but the people around you don't do things with the pace you want to get things done at. biggest problem is that nothing is within your control. you've done all you can and that's about it.
..disheartened..
another one and a half mths gone with the wind...
I honestly didn't know it's been that long since my last update. since then, da dramas have more or less died down.
end sept, early oct, i took a trip up to KL for business.. relatively eventful however, not quite enough info to kick anything off. still in the process of that discussion. it was nice to get to know my aunt and cousin better after always being the small girl who hides behind mommy.. haha.. it was cool.. too bad i didn't have the guts to drive around KL.. damn.. haha..
besides that, started to slow down n study for my exams as and when I could. decided to help rex with barossa's halloween event. i must say, i did kind of enjoy myself. however, i'm one who cannot put up with incompetence. or with people who get priorities and details messed up. frustrating at the same time, definitely a sense of achievement when things have successfully gone up.
might end up taking a break from studies for awhile. got offered quite a good opportunity that those close to me think i should take it up. at the same time, i guess i'll have to be careful and put everything down in black and white.
as for forex.. it still kind of puzzles me.. prob coz there's juz so much on my mind that i can't concentrate on one specific thing..
grandma.. well, the metal stuff that was on her hand has been taken off and her bone is fusing well.. juz that she's being spoilt beyond belief.. to the extent that she gets fed... -_-" actually now that i think about it, i do miss her fussing over me.. it's juz different when she's not herself or when she's not around (i mean in hospital or something.. i really don't wanna think that far..)
anyway, all the events that have happened have strained my r/s a lil. but hey. i guess that's life rite? hopefully, i'll be able to find a balance between everything. hopefully, everything will turn out ok..
the craziest thing is that i'm so feeling the pinch from 2 of my ex-bfs.. they've both recently changed their relationship status to in a r/s.. and i'm quite sure that they juz started out. whereas for us, we've been dating for more than 3 mths.. and facebook still states we're both still single. or at least he is anyway. i've gotten that annoyed that i've juz removed the r/s status off my profile page.. heh..
i'm really happy for them. really.. i am.. wish i could be happy for myself too.. i want the world to know. den again, i've more or less been labelled a bitch anyway... well, i'm sure it doesn't matter that much.. maybe i'm juz throwing a immature, illogical little girl tantrum here.. strange thing is, recognition isn't supposed to be one of my stronger love gifts either.. haha.. strange.. oh well..
end sept, early oct, i took a trip up to KL for business.. relatively eventful however, not quite enough info to kick anything off. still in the process of that discussion. it was nice to get to know my aunt and cousin better after always being the small girl who hides behind mommy.. haha.. it was cool.. too bad i didn't have the guts to drive around KL.. damn.. haha..
besides that, started to slow down n study for my exams as and when I could. decided to help rex with barossa's halloween event. i must say, i did kind of enjoy myself. however, i'm one who cannot put up with incompetence. or with people who get priorities and details messed up. frustrating at the same time, definitely a sense of achievement when things have successfully gone up.
might end up taking a break from studies for awhile. got offered quite a good opportunity that those close to me think i should take it up. at the same time, i guess i'll have to be careful and put everything down in black and white.
as for forex.. it still kind of puzzles me.. prob coz there's juz so much on my mind that i can't concentrate on one specific thing..
grandma.. well, the metal stuff that was on her hand has been taken off and her bone is fusing well.. juz that she's being spoilt beyond belief.. to the extent that she gets fed... -_-" actually now that i think about it, i do miss her fussing over me.. it's juz different when she's not herself or when she's not around (i mean in hospital or something.. i really don't wanna think that far..)
anyway, all the events that have happened have strained my r/s a lil. but hey. i guess that's life rite? hopefully, i'll be able to find a balance between everything. hopefully, everything will turn out ok..
the craziest thing is that i'm so feeling the pinch from 2 of my ex-bfs.. they've both recently changed their relationship status to in a r/s.. and i'm quite sure that they juz started out. whereas for us, we've been dating for more than 3 mths.. and facebook still states we're both still single. or at least he is anyway. i've gotten that annoyed that i've juz removed the r/s status off my profile page.. heh..
i'm really happy for them. really.. i am.. wish i could be happy for myself too.. i want the world to know. den again, i've more or less been labelled a bitch anyway... well, i'm sure it doesn't matter that much.. maybe i'm juz throwing a immature, illogical little girl tantrum here.. strange thing is, recognition isn't supposed to be one of my stronger love gifts either.. haha.. strange.. oh well..
September 19, 2009
life... a never ending soap opera....
it's amazing how life seems so simple.. but yet.. people are able to complicate matters to a point where it's incomprehensible to sometimes.. even the one who started it..
makes u wonder why people butt in to things that don't concern them.. if they wanna be positive, den so be it.. but why do people tend to waste so much of their energy trying to wreck something that absolutely has no benefit to them wad so eva...
why can't people be problem solvers and not problem makers?? and why can't people who wanna solve problems do it in the fastest possible way?? makes me think that everyone's quite a sadist out there.. juz wanna prolong things that absolutely waste time and effort.. on top of that, end up hurting people and hurting themselves in the process...
at the same time, why must some people be such party poopers??? don't they have a life? do they want everyone else around them to be life-less as well??
come to think about it, i'm really thankful for a mom whom i'm damn close too.. no pretenses wad so eva.. although a lil annoying at times.. but oh well...
life's life.. doubt it'll change much.. but they few things about me and life are basically..
- life's short. i dun wanna end it with regrets.. therefore, i can be very stubborn the bulk of the time.. (check with my mom n friends if u don't believe..)
- i dun give a f*** bout wad people think of me.. (most pple anyway.. besides.. coming from my ego, i'm quite sure my mom raised me well) i'm juz myself.. so take it or leave it.. and if u choose to f*** off, pls be my guest. juz make sure u dun hang around..
- i'm nice most of the time.. unless you wanna waste your time n backstab the shit out of me.. i'll prob waste juz a few mins of my time on u.. more or less sufficient to get my msg across..
argh.. forget it.. i'm juz too frustrated to write anymore..
makes u wonder why people butt in to things that don't concern them.. if they wanna be positive, den so be it.. but why do people tend to waste so much of their energy trying to wreck something that absolutely has no benefit to them wad so eva...
why can't people be problem solvers and not problem makers?? and why can't people who wanna solve problems do it in the fastest possible way?? makes me think that everyone's quite a sadist out there.. juz wanna prolong things that absolutely waste time and effort.. on top of that, end up hurting people and hurting themselves in the process...
at the same time, why must some people be such party poopers??? don't they have a life? do they want everyone else around them to be life-less as well??
come to think about it, i'm really thankful for a mom whom i'm damn close too.. no pretenses wad so eva.. although a lil annoying at times.. but oh well...
life's life.. doubt it'll change much.. but they few things about me and life are basically..
- life's short. i dun wanna end it with regrets.. therefore, i can be very stubborn the bulk of the time.. (check with my mom n friends if u don't believe..)
- i dun give a f*** bout wad people think of me.. (most pple anyway.. besides.. coming from my ego, i'm quite sure my mom raised me well) i'm juz myself.. so take it or leave it.. and if u choose to f*** off, pls be my guest. juz make sure u dun hang around..
- i'm nice most of the time.. unless you wanna waste your time n backstab the shit out of me.. i'll prob waste juz a few mins of my time on u.. more or less sufficient to get my msg across..
argh.. forget it.. i'm juz too frustrated to write anymore..
September 09, 2009
Updates galore.
Birthday came and went. Wasn't exactly the day I planned for but i guess I can't quite complain about it either.. got pleasantly suprised by nell and raaj.. din have a reaction that tallied up to it though.. oh.. and even more pleasantly surprised by my bouquet.. =) taxi ride was horrible.. dinner was.. well.. hmm.. food not up to standards.. but wouldn't wanna have it with anyone less..
school's been a bitch.. assignments galore too.. very interesting lecturers.. interesting classmates too...
since my last post, grand's still in hospital.. she's apparently really gotta undergo surgery.. supposedly tmr.. yet to confirm that.. bone broke thru the skin.. not cool... i'm worried.. i'm scared.. i know everyone dies at some point in time, but i'm honestly not ready for her to go..
well, i guess everything's in God's hands..
hoping for the best.. but this time, NOT prepared for the worse...
school's been a bitch.. assignments galore too.. very interesting lecturers.. interesting classmates too...
since my last post, grand's still in hospital.. she's apparently really gotta undergo surgery.. supposedly tmr.. yet to confirm that.. bone broke thru the skin.. not cool... i'm worried.. i'm scared.. i know everyone dies at some point in time, but i'm honestly not ready for her to go..
well, i guess everything's in God's hands..
hoping for the best.. but this time, NOT prepared for the worse...
August 31, 2009
Sleepless Night....
It's 0512 in da morning.. tried falling asleep for quite awhile but to no avail.. doesn't help much that i've gotta be awake at 0630.. got lessons and a full day ahead. no idea how i'll survive it..
however, despite knowing what i've gotta do, i'm somehow just troubled beyond i ever thought i was.. once again, i never fail to surprise myself..
i find myself thinking about emotions.. thinking about the black, whites n greys of life.. wondering whether i'm doing the right thing with life.. wondering what my actions of today would cost the people around me tmr..
so many what ifs in my head.. it's really killing me.. for the first time in my life, i find myself regretting.. regretting bout things i've taken too long to do.. or failed to follow through.. bout not putting things into it's proper place.. for not being all that i can or could have been..
i wonder again why i took a back seat half way through life.. i'm wondering what i've done all these 22 years.. sometimes, i even wonder what or why i'm here..
hmm.. enough of this emo shit i guess.. most of the above is up for ur guessing pleasures..
but one thing i will let u know is that i've juz been thrown way off track by my grandma.. hearing about her fall on thurs nite already made my heart shatter..
the long 3+ hrs of waiting on sat while they were re-setting her bone made my heart sink even further.. sitting there not knowing wad's going on.. wondering how the docs are going about the procedure.. wondering whether she could take the pain.. wondering whether her heart could take further trauma even if the rest of her body could..
then when she was finally back in the ward.. looking at the exhaustion on her face.. as if all strength and energy had been drained out of her.. looking at the displeasure on her face.. eyes that said she really missed home and wanted to be among family instead of being in the hospital.. old age.. dementia.. hallucinations... not being able to sleep.. the heap full of drugs..
once again, i find myself in a situation where nothing can be done... maybe things would be better if i had gotten my act together long ago.. i could have possibly provided more than what i can now for her.. more specialised care perhaps? better doctors?? i don't know..
as for now, the upper arm's very nicely broken... -_-" can't op coz her heart can't take it.. can't do anything except putting it in a cast and hoping it'll heal itself.. i hope she's got what it takes to fight on...
the reason i find myself up and tearing at this time of night.. or should i say.. morning.. is that even before this accident happened, watching her maneuver around the house was already so sad.. the shuffling around... the difficulty she has as an 88 yr old trying to get up from a chair or from the bed..
in the last 3 yrs.. this is the second yr that she'll be spending my birthday in hospital.. not very fun.. not very happy about it.. but wad can be done?! not like she wanted it either..
back then, i still remember what a tough fight it was for her to get back to the her she is now.. back then, the infection she had was so bad, most of us thought it'd claim her life.. but she proved us wrong.. now that she's 2 yrs older, a lot more aged and a lot weaker.. this has to happen.. life's quite sickening ain't it??
here i am sitting down, wondering how she's gonna be able to get up from her chair or her bed when she can finally go home.. wondering whether the depression she's always had in her would get worse coz she'd feel as if she can't do anything anymore.. well, she can still move her fingers on her right hand.. but that's about all.. what are the chances that she'll learn to become ambidextrous at that age?? what are the chances her left hand has got enough strength to support her body weight either when getting off the chair or even when holding her walking stick to shuffle around??
gosh.. i really don't have the answers to any of these questions.. all i can do is keep a close eye and pray..
once again, i find myself helpless...
sigh...
however, despite knowing what i've gotta do, i'm somehow just troubled beyond i ever thought i was.. once again, i never fail to surprise myself..
i find myself thinking about emotions.. thinking about the black, whites n greys of life.. wondering whether i'm doing the right thing with life.. wondering what my actions of today would cost the people around me tmr..
so many what ifs in my head.. it's really killing me.. for the first time in my life, i find myself regretting.. regretting bout things i've taken too long to do.. or failed to follow through.. bout not putting things into it's proper place.. for not being all that i can or could have been..
i wonder again why i took a back seat half way through life.. i'm wondering what i've done all these 22 years.. sometimes, i even wonder what or why i'm here..
hmm.. enough of this emo shit i guess.. most of the above is up for ur guessing pleasures..
but one thing i will let u know is that i've juz been thrown way off track by my grandma.. hearing about her fall on thurs nite already made my heart shatter..
the long 3+ hrs of waiting on sat while they were re-setting her bone made my heart sink even further.. sitting there not knowing wad's going on.. wondering how the docs are going about the procedure.. wondering whether she could take the pain.. wondering whether her heart could take further trauma even if the rest of her body could..
then when she was finally back in the ward.. looking at the exhaustion on her face.. as if all strength and energy had been drained out of her.. looking at the displeasure on her face.. eyes that said she really missed home and wanted to be among family instead of being in the hospital.. old age.. dementia.. hallucinations... not being able to sleep.. the heap full of drugs..
once again, i find myself in a situation where nothing can be done... maybe things would be better if i had gotten my act together long ago.. i could have possibly provided more than what i can now for her.. more specialised care perhaps? better doctors?? i don't know..
as for now, the upper arm's very nicely broken... -_-" can't op coz her heart can't take it.. can't do anything except putting it in a cast and hoping it'll heal itself.. i hope she's got what it takes to fight on...
the reason i find myself up and tearing at this time of night.. or should i say.. morning.. is that even before this accident happened, watching her maneuver around the house was already so sad.. the shuffling around... the difficulty she has as an 88 yr old trying to get up from a chair or from the bed..
in the last 3 yrs.. this is the second yr that she'll be spending my birthday in hospital.. not very fun.. not very happy about it.. but wad can be done?! not like she wanted it either..
back then, i still remember what a tough fight it was for her to get back to the her she is now.. back then, the infection she had was so bad, most of us thought it'd claim her life.. but she proved us wrong.. now that she's 2 yrs older, a lot more aged and a lot weaker.. this has to happen.. life's quite sickening ain't it??
here i am sitting down, wondering how she's gonna be able to get up from her chair or her bed when she can finally go home.. wondering whether the depression she's always had in her would get worse coz she'd feel as if she can't do anything anymore.. well, she can still move her fingers on her right hand.. but that's about all.. what are the chances that she'll learn to become ambidextrous at that age?? what are the chances her left hand has got enough strength to support her body weight either when getting off the chair or even when holding her walking stick to shuffle around??
gosh.. i really don't have the answers to any of these questions.. all i can do is keep a close eye and pray..
once again, i find myself helpless...
sigh...
August 15, 2009
The last few wks & Church Funfair =)
at this point in time, i can't quite recall the exact events that have happened since my last post. everything seems to be a blur. but yeah. i've been keeping busy and i've been keeping happy. (that's impt isn't it?!) =)
anyway, finally got the school stuff settled out.. now it's time to buck up and get back on track there. oh yes.. now i more or less remember.. my grandaunt passed on 2 wks back. deeply missed by everyone. i'm actually really glad she doesn't have to suffer anymore. it wasn't a very pleasing sight.. broke my heart everytime i saw her. but yeah. i just take comfort in knowing that she's in a better place now..
due to that, been having a lot of family gatherings of late. big, rowdy bunch i must say.. and i'm still pretty quiet compared to rest of them.. thankfully, i do get along slightly better than i used to.
besides that, celebrated grandma's birthday last nite.. another big family event.. i must admit that the whole ambiance of the place changes when it's filled with family.. it's nice in a way.. but i tend to shy off.. (yes.. pretty unbelievable ain't it?!) anyway, she's 88.. last nite in my cousin's car on the way back.. one of my aunt's suddenly mentioned that our family seems to have a really long lifespan compared to others.. my grandma, being 88... the oldest living member of the family staying in SG... her older sis.. 91 this yr.. and her older brother.. 89 this yr.. all still in quite a good shape.. =) given a choice, i don't think i'd wanna live til i'm that old.. but hey.. God decides when to take u away eh?!
anyway, today was the church funfair.. got kicked out of bed early in da morning for a photoshoot/makeover that my aunt had booked for mom, herself n me.. muz admit, i was getting pretty restless during the prep.. but it was fun.. =) the food was simply delightful.. and my cell's booth.. the one that dunks pple.. haha.. hilarious too.. both the pastors as well as the layleaders got dunked. very sporting bunch.. loads of fun and laughter..
was dead tired after lunch though.. kind of knocked out... but had to wake up shortly after coz i had to go tutor.. why am i so tired?! coz pet's give u the most horrible trauma u can possibly think of when u least expect it..
furballs.. hungry cats.. fish out of water.. heh.. go figure.. didn't get to sleep til i think 4 plus in the morning... hmm.. yes that's my standard timing.. but no.. didn't manage to sleep in!! argh..
anyway, that's wad's been happening...
cheerio for now!
anyway, finally got the school stuff settled out.. now it's time to buck up and get back on track there. oh yes.. now i more or less remember.. my grandaunt passed on 2 wks back. deeply missed by everyone. i'm actually really glad she doesn't have to suffer anymore. it wasn't a very pleasing sight.. broke my heart everytime i saw her. but yeah. i just take comfort in knowing that she's in a better place now..
due to that, been having a lot of family gatherings of late. big, rowdy bunch i must say.. and i'm still pretty quiet compared to rest of them.. thankfully, i do get along slightly better than i used to.
besides that, celebrated grandma's birthday last nite.. another big family event.. i must admit that the whole ambiance of the place changes when it's filled with family.. it's nice in a way.. but i tend to shy off.. (yes.. pretty unbelievable ain't it?!) anyway, she's 88.. last nite in my cousin's car on the way back.. one of my aunt's suddenly mentioned that our family seems to have a really long lifespan compared to others.. my grandma, being 88... the oldest living member of the family staying in SG... her older sis.. 91 this yr.. and her older brother.. 89 this yr.. all still in quite a good shape.. =) given a choice, i don't think i'd wanna live til i'm that old.. but hey.. God decides when to take u away eh?!
anyway, today was the church funfair.. got kicked out of bed early in da morning for a photoshoot/makeover that my aunt had booked for mom, herself n me.. muz admit, i was getting pretty restless during the prep.. but it was fun.. =) the food was simply delightful.. and my cell's booth.. the one that dunks pple.. haha.. hilarious too.. both the pastors as well as the layleaders got dunked. very sporting bunch.. loads of fun and laughter..
was dead tired after lunch though.. kind of knocked out... but had to wake up shortly after coz i had to go tutor.. why am i so tired?! coz pet's give u the most horrible trauma u can possibly think of when u least expect it..
furballs.. hungry cats.. fish out of water.. heh.. go figure.. didn't get to sleep til i think 4 plus in the morning... hmm.. yes that's my standard timing.. but no.. didn't manage to sleep in!! argh..
anyway, that's wad's been happening...
cheerio for now!
August 05, 2009
It's been quite some time...
since my last blog update about swimming. well, let's juz say the only reason why i really went swimming that day was to try to think.. to vent out frustrations.. to try to come to a conclusion..
well, since then, i'm no longer with terence. sad?! yes.. but on the other hand, it juz didn't make sense anymore. couldn't see any possibility how things could improve or work out given the circumstances.
so anyway, yeah. even though it hurts, let's juz say i feel more liberated.. happier. free to move on with my life being just me. yes. i know it sounds selfish. but ah well...
i've gotten scolded by so many peoople about thinking and caring too much about others and instead, neglecting myself. so prob the most major choice that i've made for myself. prob no one has any idea how i'm warring with myself. but i think it should be a right choice.
juz move on, find myself back. find the me that i used to know.. and start loving myself again. from there, we'll see how it goes...
well, since then, i'm no longer with terence. sad?! yes.. but on the other hand, it juz didn't make sense anymore. couldn't see any possibility how things could improve or work out given the circumstances.
so anyway, yeah. even though it hurts, let's juz say i feel more liberated.. happier. free to move on with my life being just me. yes. i know it sounds selfish. but ah well...
i've gotten scolded by so many peoople about thinking and caring too much about others and instead, neglecting myself. so prob the most major choice that i've made for myself. prob no one has any idea how i'm warring with myself. but i think it should be a right choice.
juz move on, find myself back. find the me that i used to know.. and start loving myself again. from there, we'll see how it goes...
July 26, 2009
Swimming...
since it's been such a mind blowing wk, took da first chance to go vent and let out all my emotions.. and what better way to do it than swimming.. (in a totally gorgeous new swimsuit that i bought for myself!) oh.. of course bad habits like impulse shopping for shoes came back too.. but that was just one pair that i couldn't say no to.. haha.. =) yes yes, i'm still a sucker when it comes to shoes.. and yes! i still love my heels very very much..
anyway, yes, back to swimming.. let's juz say that much has happened in the span of 1 wk that i was crazy enough to wanna do 20 laps in the olympic pool after not swimming for... hmm.. i don't know.. maybe a few yrs back?! since before i lost weight i think..
first, let me bitch about it.. haha.. public pools are the most ANNOYINGLY crowded place you can be at on a wkend.. it was crawling with people.. and not to mention some really slow people taking swimming lessons. i know everyone goes thru that stage.. but com'on! they really shouldn't use up every single portion of the pool.. especially when they're training for their medals.. gets annoying to have 3 lanes of kids bobbing up and down smack in the centre of the pool... couldn't swim in a straight line.. couldn't complete the lap without having to stop in fear of ramming into some struggling kid.. let's juz say it got on my nerves.. so after abot 5 laps in the olympic pool, we migrated our stuff and ourselves to the 0.9 m pool coz my dear nell's got a phobia of deep water.. (not that i've got a problem with her phobia..)
thing is, when i got into that pool, i think i had the look of total shock on my face.. i kept looking down to see if i was standing on some platform that was raised. i honestly couldn't believe that i was standing in a swimming pool with water only up to my waist.. -_-" i haven't been in that kind of a pool since before i learnt how to swim i think.. more than 12 years back already. just too used to olympic sized pools and diving pools. heh.. but anyway, since nell felt better there, and it wasn't as crowded, i juz thought wad the heck.. i'm guessing the length of the pool we ended up swimming was only about 25m... so i'm guessing i did about 10 laps...
not too bad i guess.. now i'm juz praying my thighs don't start hurting tmr..
goodnite world!
anyway, yes, back to swimming.. let's juz say that much has happened in the span of 1 wk that i was crazy enough to wanna do 20 laps in the olympic pool after not swimming for... hmm.. i don't know.. maybe a few yrs back?! since before i lost weight i think..
first, let me bitch about it.. haha.. public pools are the most ANNOYINGLY crowded place you can be at on a wkend.. it was crawling with people.. and not to mention some really slow people taking swimming lessons. i know everyone goes thru that stage.. but com'on! they really shouldn't use up every single portion of the pool.. especially when they're training for their medals.. gets annoying to have 3 lanes of kids bobbing up and down smack in the centre of the pool... couldn't swim in a straight line.. couldn't complete the lap without having to stop in fear of ramming into some struggling kid.. let's juz say it got on my nerves.. so after abot 5 laps in the olympic pool, we migrated our stuff and ourselves to the 0.9 m pool coz my dear nell's got a phobia of deep water.. (not that i've got a problem with her phobia..)
thing is, when i got into that pool, i think i had the look of total shock on my face.. i kept looking down to see if i was standing on some platform that was raised. i honestly couldn't believe that i was standing in a swimming pool with water only up to my waist.. -_-" i haven't been in that kind of a pool since before i learnt how to swim i think.. more than 12 years back already. just too used to olympic sized pools and diving pools. heh.. but anyway, since nell felt better there, and it wasn't as crowded, i juz thought wad the heck.. i'm guessing the length of the pool we ended up swimming was only about 25m... so i'm guessing i did about 10 laps...
not too bad i guess.. now i'm juz praying my thighs don't start hurting tmr..
goodnite world!
July 22, 2009
imagine if...
Imagine if we were still living in ancient chinese times....
I think i'd be chained within the compounds of my house.. or maybe even my bedroom... and everytime i wanna take a step out, i'd probably be accompanied by maybe a handful of bodyguards or something... hmm.. if chasity belts existed then, i'd probably have to wear one 24, 7 too...
besides that, i'd probably be match-maked to some high society guy.. the type that'd make my family proud but den again.. they prob wun give a shit about my feelings.. haha..
but juz da thought of it can make's me shudder... eww....
I think i'd be chained within the compounds of my house.. or maybe even my bedroom... and everytime i wanna take a step out, i'd probably be accompanied by maybe a handful of bodyguards or something... hmm.. if chasity belts existed then, i'd probably have to wear one 24, 7 too...
besides that, i'd probably be match-maked to some high society guy.. the type that'd make my family proud but den again.. they prob wun give a shit about my feelings.. haha..
but juz da thought of it can make's me shudder... eww....
July 15, 2009
The bitchy side of me..
as immature and naive as this may seem, it really gets on my nerves every once in awhile... so yes.. i'm bitching about it here.. like.. where else can i do it rite? haha...
sometimes, i think that some people really don't have the right to have their class 3 or 3A licenses.. even when driving a auto car, they can jerk the car as if they were in some unfamiliar manual car.. hmm.. maybe the poor fella juz caught me on a day where i feel more car sick than usual.. but ah well.. juz his luck.. on the bright side, i didn't tell him off straight in the face as much as i would have loved to.. but ya.. lately, from what i've seen it's not juz most ladies that drive like they can't drive, but i think there are enough men out there to match up to the number of bad women drivers. heh.
sometimes, i think that some people really don't have the right to have their class 3 or 3A licenses.. even when driving a auto car, they can jerk the car as if they were in some unfamiliar manual car.. hmm.. maybe the poor fella juz caught me on a day where i feel more car sick than usual.. but ah well.. juz his luck.. on the bright side, i didn't tell him off straight in the face as much as i would have loved to.. but ya.. lately, from what i've seen it's not juz most ladies that drive like they can't drive, but i think there are enough men out there to match up to the number of bad women drivers. heh.
July 14, 2009
who are YOU living life for?
You only get one chance at it.. and.. by right, it's entire yours to make or to break.. it has a habit of tossing you around.. bringing you sky high, and pulling you deep down.. you can never take wad's past back.. neither can you manipulate things to make them turn out exactly the way you want them to..
that's life in a nutshell ain't it?
i've always believed that no matter what you do, never regret anything. think this was mentioned a few posts back. my point for this post is not to repeat myself but more to make known what the meaning of life is for me. (i can't speak for the majority can i? hah! that'd be pure bias-ness)
anyway, at this point in life, i'm not sure of the specifics. but i've got a general idea of what i wanna achieve, where i wanna be, how long i'm intending to give myself. somethings like "dreamjob" are still quite blurry. but other than that, i'm quite sure i know that i need enough cash to take care of myself and my family. the existing one and the one i know i want in the future.. i know i wanna settle down.. hmm.. u get the pic?!
what i can say is i'm figuring things out step by step.. i may not know everything now, but i'm sure i'll be able to do it. i've never regretted anything.. well, not really la.. nothing that major or life-changing... and after the longest time, i'm sure my cousin will agree with me that i'm standing up for myself or at least i'm learning to instead of having my life being controlled like a puppet.
i guess in life, some people wanna go back in time to do things differently.. i juz wish people don't expect me to live out their dream life just becoz they missed out on their chance to do so.. can't they get the hint that i'm not them? as much as i love them to bits, and as much as i hate to admit it, they're saying and doing a lot of stuff coz to them, it's for my own good. but com'on... i am my own being. i was born with the exact things they were born with. a body, a spirit, a brain. hah! what makes them think they'd know me better? maybe from a third person's perspective, u do see things that the first person doesn't see. but still, can they really read thru my emotions? wish they would stop assuming. hope they'd stop being so fake. on top of being sincere and honest, why must they put other criterias that can actually be done without? i wanna live life for me. not for them. not their dream life. their dream education or their dream relationship.. sure.. i know i sound selfish don't i? but what happens at the end of the day when they pass on and i'm left? by that time, all my effort would have ended there and then. i'd have nothing left if i lived for them would i?!
sigh. i'm not angry per say, i'm just royally tired and frustrated with everything happening. I wish all this would juz stop. i'm honestly all out of ideas to try and make things better. ending up juz putting up with all the shit that gets thrown my way (close to a weekly basis. if i can really go thru one wk w/o any rubbish, it'd be a miracle in itself). thankfully enough, he's willing to pull thru all this crap with me.. still an incentive to keep going.
that's life in a nutshell ain't it?
i've always believed that no matter what you do, never regret anything. think this was mentioned a few posts back. my point for this post is not to repeat myself but more to make known what the meaning of life is for me. (i can't speak for the majority can i? hah! that'd be pure bias-ness)
anyway, at this point in life, i'm not sure of the specifics. but i've got a general idea of what i wanna achieve, where i wanna be, how long i'm intending to give myself. somethings like "dreamjob" are still quite blurry. but other than that, i'm quite sure i know that i need enough cash to take care of myself and my family. the existing one and the one i know i want in the future.. i know i wanna settle down.. hmm.. u get the pic?!
what i can say is i'm figuring things out step by step.. i may not know everything now, but i'm sure i'll be able to do it. i've never regretted anything.. well, not really la.. nothing that major or life-changing... and after the longest time, i'm sure my cousin will agree with me that i'm standing up for myself or at least i'm learning to instead of having my life being controlled like a puppet.
i guess in life, some people wanna go back in time to do things differently.. i juz wish people don't expect me to live out their dream life just becoz they missed out on their chance to do so.. can't they get the hint that i'm not them? as much as i love them to bits, and as much as i hate to admit it, they're saying and doing a lot of stuff coz to them, it's for my own good. but com'on... i am my own being. i was born with the exact things they were born with. a body, a spirit, a brain. hah! what makes them think they'd know me better? maybe from a third person's perspective, u do see things that the first person doesn't see. but still, can they really read thru my emotions? wish they would stop assuming. hope they'd stop being so fake. on top of being sincere and honest, why must they put other criterias that can actually be done without? i wanna live life for me. not for them. not their dream life. their dream education or their dream relationship.. sure.. i know i sound selfish don't i? but what happens at the end of the day when they pass on and i'm left? by that time, all my effort would have ended there and then. i'd have nothing left if i lived for them would i?!
sigh. i'm not angry per say, i'm just royally tired and frustrated with everything happening. I wish all this would juz stop. i'm honestly all out of ideas to try and make things better. ending up juz putting up with all the shit that gets thrown my way (close to a weekly basis. if i can really go thru one wk w/o any rubbish, it'd be a miracle in itself). thankfully enough, he's willing to pull thru all this crap with me.. still an incentive to keep going.
July 09, 2009
True to the name....
true to the name boobrain.. aka.. scatterbrain.. heh..
this morning.. woke up late for a lunch appt.. washed up. changed.. and left.. out of the house, i realised i forgot my watch and my earrings.. (essentials.. things i never leave home w/o.. haha..)
din have time to turn back.. so in a way, felt naked the whole afternoon...
i left the house this evening with my mom.. but we were heading in different directions.. while walking down da stairs, i realised i'd forgotten my phones.. so i told her to go ahead first.. and i went back to get it.. din waste too much time back home. juz picked it up and left again.. walked out to the bus stop.. flagged the bus.. dug for my wallet.. and realised i'd left that at home too.. so wad to do.. can't do without wallet.. so went back home to grab it... wasted so much time... heh.. lucky wasn't in a hurry..
nell cancelled.. so changed out of my jeans into my shorts.. and came down to my normal hangout- SB-TP. Came down.. chilled out awhile.. switched my laptop on.. and realised i forgot to bring my wireless modem.. heh.. lucky thing there's wireless@SG...
so yes.. that's been my scatterbrained day.. hah!
actually, glad i remembered all this happened. like my mom always tells me, if my head wasn't on my shoulders, i'd lose my head too!
this morning.. woke up late for a lunch appt.. washed up. changed.. and left.. out of the house, i realised i forgot my watch and my earrings.. (essentials.. things i never leave home w/o.. haha..)
din have time to turn back.. so in a way, felt naked the whole afternoon...
i left the house this evening with my mom.. but we were heading in different directions.. while walking down da stairs, i realised i'd forgotten my phones.. so i told her to go ahead first.. and i went back to get it.. din waste too much time back home. juz picked it up and left again.. walked out to the bus stop.. flagged the bus.. dug for my wallet.. and realised i'd left that at home too.. so wad to do.. can't do without wallet.. so went back home to grab it... wasted so much time... heh.. lucky wasn't in a hurry..
nell cancelled.. so changed out of my jeans into my shorts.. and came down to my normal hangout- SB-TP. Came down.. chilled out awhile.. switched my laptop on.. and realised i forgot to bring my wireless modem.. heh.. lucky thing there's wireless@SG...
so yes.. that's been my scatterbrained day.. hah!
actually, glad i remembered all this happened. like my mom always tells me, if my head wasn't on my shoulders, i'd lose my head too!
June 23, 2009
Experiences
No matter what happens in life.. Be it good or bad... Never regret it. Treasure it, experience it, learn from it, then move on.
That's a fact of life!
That's a fact of life!
waiting... waiting... waiting....
i now realise.. people usually spend most of their life waiting.. or in fact, all of it.. no matter which perspective you look at it..
when u're a kid, the child-like innocence in them always waits eagerly for CNY, christmas, birthdays or wadeva celebrations there are.. with loads of good food, pressies, cash, etc...
when u're in school.. there's always the.. "i can't wait to grow up! then i'll be able to do many many more things... "(tatts, clubbing, movies, etc) or the classic.. i wanna grow up coz i don't wanna be in school..
when u're of a legal age already, some can't wait to make it big in their career... others.. waiting for the right one to come along... and if you're dating.. u're probably wondering when you're gonna settle down..
once you've settled down, u'll start planning to start a family.. waiting to for the kids to come along.. after that, waiting for the kids to grow up... waiting for the kids to take care of you or more likely to gain their independence.. (or something to that effect.. i can only guess and imagine..)
after you've had a good, fulfilling life, contented with all the fruits of your labour.. you den wait for the moment you breathe your last..
hmm.. i think i've proven my point that you spend your entire life waiting..
what i can add to all this is that even though waiting's inevitable.. we can't pass off opportunities that come our way.. if you do see something good, grab hold of it before it passes you by..
but..
if you think what you're waiting for is worth it, hold on no matter what and persevere no matter how shitty everything gets.. (or so I've been told..) that's da advice i've been given by plenty of peeps around..
so yes.. although life is absolute crap at the moment, i'm keeping my fingers crossed and living life as best as i can... hopefully it's true that every grey cloud has a silver lining.. coz i still haven't seen any.. and it's been half a yr..
the only question i'm asking how do you put up with waiting for someone so badly yet although he knows u're waiting, he gets annoyed or angry with the activities you plan to kill time with while waiting??
when u're a kid, the child-like innocence in them always waits eagerly for CNY, christmas, birthdays or wadeva celebrations there are.. with loads of good food, pressies, cash, etc...
when u're in school.. there's always the.. "i can't wait to grow up! then i'll be able to do many many more things... "(tatts, clubbing, movies, etc) or the classic.. i wanna grow up coz i don't wanna be in school..
when u're of a legal age already, some can't wait to make it big in their career... others.. waiting for the right one to come along... and if you're dating.. u're probably wondering when you're gonna settle down..
once you've settled down, u'll start planning to start a family.. waiting to for the kids to come along.. after that, waiting for the kids to grow up... waiting for the kids to take care of you or more likely to gain their independence.. (or something to that effect.. i can only guess and imagine..)
after you've had a good, fulfilling life, contented with all the fruits of your labour.. you den wait for the moment you breathe your last..
hmm.. i think i've proven my point that you spend your entire life waiting..
what i can add to all this is that even though waiting's inevitable.. we can't pass off opportunities that come our way.. if you do see something good, grab hold of it before it passes you by..
but..
if you think what you're waiting for is worth it, hold on no matter what and persevere no matter how shitty everything gets.. (or so I've been told..) that's da advice i've been given by plenty of peeps around..
so yes.. although life is absolute crap at the moment, i'm keeping my fingers crossed and living life as best as i can... hopefully it's true that every grey cloud has a silver lining.. coz i still haven't seen any.. and it's been half a yr..
the only question i'm asking how do you put up with waiting for someone so badly yet although he knows u're waiting, he gets annoyed or angry with the activities you plan to kill time with while waiting??
Blog Revival
wow.. my blog's about 7 yrs old this yr.. and for the first time after quite long, i've decided to bring it back to life once again. many reasons for doing so.. for updates.. for ranting.. basically somewhere where my voice can be heard w/o obstructions.. oh.. and not to mention, i've got plenty on my mind and plenty time (or so i think... to update my blog once again..)
anyway, since my last update in Jun '07.. life has been pretty happening.. plenty plenty has happened. too many occasions for me to account for..
as for the highlights.. you'll get it when i'm more awake.. as for now, off to bed!
toodles!
anyway, since my last update in Jun '07.. life has been pretty happening.. plenty plenty has happened. too many occasions for me to account for..
as for the highlights.. you'll get it when i'm more awake.. as for now, off to bed!
toodles!