Tuesday, November 29, 2005
I'm still seeking... Seeking for job, for meaning to life and lotz of other stuff.
Like i said, yesterday was an extremely eventful day for me. I've got this agent called my house to contact me on this temp job offer. She talked to my mother, who in turn called me up. I was supposed to try and find 5 pairs (guy+gal) to go for interview today. The job was a temp, on dec weekends. The company will recruit 5-7 pairs and the job is supposedly to promote these printers.
At that time, everything was in a mess. I didn't know the agent, but guess she called because I gave my contact online the day before. Later it turned out, the company hiring was a big company based at Suntec Tower. I heard from those interviewed, it occupied a whole floor and is an advertising firm for Boeing and Carrefour as well. The job, it turned out, was to promote this epison printer to create more awareness for this portable printer. The promoters are supposed to ask passerbys to take photos and charge them $2 to be donated to charity.
Quite a decent job. The catch is, you need to be interviewed as a pair. That's the tricky part. Initially I got 4 gals interested, but the guys are either not interested, or no one replied or too lazy to work. Some are overseas, some cannot commit for whole of dec. Tricky business. So i called back the agent. All the time while trying to shop for my prom dress. Trust me it sux. I have no idea why businessmen can do businesses on the move man.
Anyway, the agent, Alice, said she could ask 3 NTU guys currently also interested to pair up with us, if we are okay. Turned out the 3 NTU guys back out, cos they suddenly had a CIP coming up. So at that point of time, i was rather pissed. Cos i tried like means and ways to settle 1 pair and 3 gals, now the guys cmi! WWWW.... nvm. So we tried to find guys. And nobody wans... sux. But wadeva. Den i was damn pressed for time. I had to reply to the agent by 6 and it was like 530. Half an hr to contact every1. And ask? To add on to that, not every1 answer their phone. And i don't mean i sms them, i called them one by one up. Trust me...it's not fun to live by your fone.
And try doing it while shopping for prom stuff and on top of that, pei 3 other ladies shopping. In the end, i got so sianz diao by the whole thing cos i cant grab hold of a guy. I feel sian diaoz if i pair with someone i not shou. And the shou ppl unavailable... OMG. At the end of the day, i didn't get my prom stuff and i reject the job. Okay, but i keep contacting the agent to confirm for the other 2 pairs, huizhi n fren, wanlin n fren.
That's another catch. At first yy's siblings wanted e job, so i was thinking they replace my pair.Den they withdrew, so okay. Den wanlin n berne cannot confirm, so she was thinking of asking her bro, but her bro underage for this job. So Alice was very good actually. I think she stayed at the office and waited for my call at 5+. Den she went home and called me by her home no to talk to me further abt the job. Farnie, i only knew her for one day and she's calling me from her house. In the end, I only confirmed with her one pair, huizhi's pair. The next day's interview, wanlin n berne also went for it.
When i got home, my mood was like damn low and frustrated and gek about the whole stupid incident. Yue xiang yue qi. It's like I wasted so many phone calls, contacted so many, got pangseh so many times, i lost count. And I rejected the job in the end. Actually, i cant find a partner. So it's damn ironic, the agent called me up. I spent half the day calling others and I didn't even go to the interview. And why did i stay on contacting Alice as the contact person? Weird.
But.. thankfully, Alice was this wonderful lady. She really brighten up my day. Everything was so gloomy that day, and she's the best thing that happen to me. I mean after all that happen, she acknowledges my efforts. Maybe cos I keep updating her about all these changes and crop ups. She's a very kind person, really. Will update me things and explain things to me, unlike some other older ppl who heck to tell someone as young as me abt stuff. Den after that, she tried to find some other suitable jobs, but none of them suits me. Need accounting knowledge.. sianz. But still I feel much happier later.
Den zhi went for the interview today. But the results will only be known tml. She went to the pro-temps agency today. So she told me she met alice, abt 40+. And I was telling zhi yest, aft what happened the day before, I realise I can do telemarketing. And was kidding if the temp agency was hiring. Turn out they are... so zhi is asking for more info. I mean I was practically doing that job the whole afternoon, and I called so many calls, talk to alice (someone i barely know for a day)for the whole day. I can do this kinda job, man. mabbe it's a blessing in disguise afterall.
Its just me and you <3 .
10:18 PM
10:18 PM
From http://www.skywonder.com/lovely_sagittarius/index.htm ：
十二星座中, 屡战屡败,却又不怕摔得头破血流,仍愿意屡败屡战的, 恐怕只有射手座女人,因为第一,妳健忘,第二,妳乐观,第三,妳不服输,第四,睨有自信,第五,妳享受冒险的过程.
凡是射手,几乎都酷爱自由,不自由毋宁死也.特立独行者看似自由,但射手座又希望被人接受,因此还是会觉得不自由. 这个矛盾很困扰他.
射手座一生可能只关心一件事,只要他把这件事搞透彻了,这一生就无憾了.
对她来说,不论是什么人,都要讲道理,不能合情理的事,射手座的女子恕难从命.
射手座的孩子较难驯服,他们无法忍受过分严格的家教和校规,假如管教过严时,就会有严重的反弹的倾向.女孩子玩皮捣蛋的程度不在男孩之下,相对的亦长于运动和游戏,并且反应灵敏.
Its just me and you <3 .
12:43 AM
12:43 AM
Sunday, November 27, 2005
有人认为没人陪就是孤独.
怕寂寞, 怕冷清. 不过对我来说, 最可怕的是, 在人群中感到的寂寞. 那不只是寂寞. 是孤独. 那种孤独于身具来的冷清是刺骨的, 深刻的. 不过也是也是让人渴望留恋的. 这听起来虽然很矛盾, 却也很真实. 虽然人是立体的, 可有时也变得透明. 虽然有声有色, 但也可当成是旁若无人. 有时, 完全的不闻不问可能会更好受.
有人说过我是个很完美主义的人. 也许吧. 我当时蛮气的, 可是现在想想, 她的观察力也蛮厉害的. 连我自己也没发觉自己是个这么样的人. 可能因为如此, 我对自己在莫种程度上的要求很高. 很多事情我自己看的很重. 有时太过于重了. 所以最终受伤最深的还是自己. 可能是EQ不够高吧, 不能调解自己的情绪.
我也懒得去理什么对对错错的. 这期间我尝试不去想做到POLITICALLY CORRECT, 而是尝试对得起自己. 虽然听起来蛮自私的, 不过至少应该没有对不起任何人吧? 不过, 很多时候我还是觉得很拘谨, 不能真正做回自己. 也不知道自己是怎么搞的. SIANZ... 不在尝试跳出什么圈圈, 不想在去采这些东西.
做好人有时真的很累. 要是做好人是得这样, 我甘愿不做好人.
Its just me and you <3 .
10:33 PM
10:33 PM
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Just came back from Causeway point. Watched Harry potter. Kinda disapointed cos they censored so much stuff. Or at least omit so much stuff. The book is definitely much better. Or maybe it's because i read the book before so it's less interesting. And wanlin finally finds Harry potter interesting. Finally. Haha.
Previously, I've heard sorta like this movie review critic the movies degrade the stories because it sorta of fix the imagination. True. Before i read harry potter, being a screen/tv/movie fervent follower, I hate such comments. But now, it's kinda true, because it just doesn't fit. I have this picture in my mind when i read, but the image doesn't match the movie. Kinda sad the movie turned out this way. Sigh.
But i'm looking forward to the movie for the recent book. Should be very nice. But still, it depends on the director. Throughout this movie, i was constantly looking out for dumbledore. Subconsciously. Cos he will not be around soon, you know. That kind of foreboding feeling. And.. sigh, just don't know what will happen to me then. I probably won't want to watch it in the cinema. It's just so sad. Sigh.
I've been thinking. Is obsession with charmed and harry potter and all those sorts so bad? Nothing to do with zebra's musings, cos my mother was like pinpointing my interest with this unorthodox shows. Of cos, she was warning me not to indulge myself in those. Surprisingly, she told me my father had, for a period of time, indulge in this supposedly unorthodox stuff.
But still, I don't find it unorthodox or simply put, wrong. Instead, to me, it's another alternative thinking. Is this considered satanic? Those voodoo and wiccan ways? Supposedly yes. But from what i see, in charmed and in harry potter, those sorts don't seem like evil doings to me. The world's not a black and white places. Things perceived bad by others can be done out of good intentions in a way. For eg, if a man steals from another, but because he needs to fend for his family of four. Is that wrong or right? Nothing's absolute in this world. It depends if your eyes are open for it.
Anyway, sorta been rethinking. Things seem sure in the beginning, but another stuff happens to make me falter again. Can i really live up to what i think i can? Or is it my preoccupation with what others think catching up with me again? Sometimes, really, i shouldn't just simply ignore what others think. They can be constructive and hold some truth. It's so confusing. Sigh. Maybe this is life. Dammit.
Its just me and you <3 .
6:56 PM
6:56 PM
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Just now, I was reading the notes on sexual repro and pregnancy, when I got reminded of a funny scene in 汗朝天子II. Very hilarious and the language sort of slightly NC-16. It's between the emperor and the empress in her 寝宫.
But first, must give some background info about what happened before. In the first season, the emperor had a torch for this girl, who doesn't like him at all and chose to live with this old, but very genius guy. The emperor ended up with an empress who was initially a 宫女. Before this empress, he got another empress. But the first empress was 心地歹毒, did some atrocious curses on the new empress, so she got 废 and later died of illness. In this season, the emperor dunno is eyes da stamp went to take a 妃 that looks the same as the former empress, maybe out of guilt.
oh ya, i forgot something. This emperor is very special. He only got one empress initially, and that's rare. No other 妃 except this new one. So when the empress heard the news, she was extremely saddened. But because of her status, what else can she do? As the empress, everything she does is 举足轻重 and 万众瞩目. More complicated-wise, it's all about politics cos her brother is also in the 朝廷. People tend to interpret things in many different, often slanted ways. So i kinda pity her cos she's so suppressed she can't cry at all. As the empress, she's supposed to be 阔达 and embraces everyone, even competition. But so what if she's the empress? She's a woman also, for goodness sake.
Sigh. Anyway back to the scene. Before that scene, the emperor had some misunderstandings with the empress because of the politics with his brother and all the idiot rumors. But things got cleared up and they are finally back tgt. So in the 寝宫, the emperor was like in "high sex drive". So i was thinking, the empress should be delighted they are getting back tgt again. Then the empress was like asking the emperor to go visit the other 妃, quoting things like she must be very lonely etc etc.
Quite weird for a woman to push the guy into another woman's arms right. But anyway when all attempts fail, she very shyly comply and quite flirteously telling the emperor to 轻一点. I dunno if you understand anot, i didnt at first. Then i understand when the emperor waent overjoyed and fantasizing about having a new princess etc etc. In the end, i think he got persuaded to go to the other 妃. Stupid emperor.
Anyway, later it turns out that the empress was lying to the emperor. The reason was she's trying to sell the 妃 to the emperor. That's outright weird! A woman "selling" another woman to her husband. 世上真的有这么伟大的女人吗? And i mean outright 伟大. She's ALWAYS selling that woman. She's fated to be the empress. The 可怜 empress. She's running a big risk by lying to the emperor. 欺君大罪. For the sake of another woman. Weird.
Then that was another case when the emperor went out incognito and almost ganna assassinated. And the only one in court who knows that he went out was the empress. Of cos the greatest suspect would be her. And worst still, the supposedly only other person she told was her brother, 卫青. She refused to tell everyone that the 太后 knows too cos "你要我怎么跟皇上说,是他亲母后要害他吗?" So in the end, she suffered silently, refusing to tell everyone. And landing her own brother into jail and lots of 风风雨雨 because of her zhizuo. And she was 一度打入冷宫 because of it. So i must ask again. 世上真的有这么伟大的女人吗?
Its just me and you <3 .
10:07 AM
10:07 AM
Friday, November 18, 2005
Er.. being trying to do that class video again. I've scraped the old idea. Deleted all those old files. Trying to start all over again. And i got this program avisynth that's super powerful. Can reverse the video, have several clips on one screen. Change the color, the music, the volume. Crop the video. Super.
But. The catch is i've got to learn how to write the script. Sorta computer language to program the stupid program to understand how to edit the clips. That's the MOST EXTREMELY irritating part. I can't get past it. Somehow or rather. Frustrating. Once i mastered it, i will be so over the moon. Damn. Nvm. But now i can just keep seeing esther with that funny site over and over, reverse and reverse motion. Or wanlin ganna trashed over and over again. Only tried these 2 clips.
Somebody help me!
Its just me and you <3 .
6:35 PM
6:35 PM
I was looking through my stacks of worksheets, then i found this thin thin book stuck within the pages. It's titled "The Present". I think somebody threw it there long ago. I have no idea why it landed in my room. So i read abit of it. The story was about this guy who finds no meaning whatsoever in his life. He's feeling all miserable about his job and his life. One day, he met this old neighbour who he likes to hang out with in the past. But something about some "present" his neighbour mentions puts him off.
Okay the story is alright. Plain and simple. Kind of too simple for my liking. But the message is clear: treasure the present. If you live too much in your past, or in the future, you will never get to treasure the present. Likewise, we tend to dwell too much in our past actions or dream too much about the future. But the catch is.. nothing's real until it's the present. So you see, sometimes, it's alright to dream. To live your fantasies. Get caught up with it.
But at the same time, live the present. Once you're happy with your current life, everything's right. That's nothing like.. oh i shouldn't be doing this, it's wrong. The bring-home msg is: Nothing's hard and concrete in this era. What you perceive as correct may be wrong for another. So why live by others' standards? If you like what you are doing and can live by it, do it.
I mean.. okay it may sound self-centered, but it's the truth.. in a way. Life's short, just 50, 60 years. Or you're lucky u live to 90, or maybe unlucky, depends on u. Who's the most important person in your life? Or who's the main actor/actress in ur life? You. Who else will care how many As you get, or flunk how many times? or humiliated how many times? At the end of the time, choi choi, when u die, the only person you have to account to is yourself. Nobody knows yourself like you do. A lot of factors would cause others to not understand you at all. So sometimes, we really shouldn't care so much about how others think, but how u feel.
But, the pre-requisite of being so self-centered is, you've got to be morally upright. I mean, you cant be a self-centered, egoistic, chauvistic PIG. What i learn these few years is to trust that i'm "moral" enough to trust my own feelings and judgements. Not to second-guess myself, or ill-treat myself. So now, i learn not to really be wavered by what i think others will feel/think about me, but rather what is it that i truly want. Suddenly i stop living what others want me to be like, and start becoming myself! That's liberation man. American-style liberation.
And boy, is liberating so shiok. Ok that's sounds kinda... weird. The point is... i also dunno what's the point. To anyone, dun dwell too much on what's right and wrong. Or dwell in all the sad things. Think what you want, what you can live with. Think happy. Then you will be happy. I see so many sad people around me.. okay not sad, but sian diao. Just want everyone to see things in a happier perspective, k. Good luck everyone! And those who finish A levels, dun get near me so soon. I wanna strangle some ppl...
Its just me and you <3 .
6:02 PM
6:02 PM
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
警察专业户--- 董勇
Haha... this is written for the benefit of wanlin. Sigh... who ask them so biased of PRC. But i'm this kinda person, you yue gek by it, i yue wanna gek u. Haha.. :p they always say PRC not good, but.. eh.. okay i still think he's good. He's the "anchor" for the 汗朝天子II. Okay, he's not the main lead, but he's a BIG lead.
He acted as the great general at that time. Very brilliant, very powerful. And the emperor is afraid becos he yield alot of military power. But he's damn loyal. I mean... damn! No matter how the emperor misunderstand him, he stand by his values. Very upright and righteous person. And very zai in martial arts. Yet modest. U get the idea la.
And the previous previous entry is about him. A very subtle person. Dun like to fake. An actor that don't act. Eh... nice. Dun just judge him by the "cheena cheena" face. Look deeper.
It's becos of him, and his acting that i'm glued to 汗朝天子II before As. And of cos the empress is very mei. She's the gal that acted mu gui ying in yang men nu jiang (spore version). Okay she's not pretty in yang men at all, but very sweet in 汗朝天子II. So cute, so sha jiao-ly. But same, very extremely sensible. Empress ma. Must think of husband, son, mother-in-law, country and her younger brother, this 董勇
演地卫青. Aiya.. got this tension in the air, very subtle, very nice and exciting to watch. Aiya.. stupid wanlin dunno how to appreciate one. Hahah... i 忍不住 must niao her abit. Haha bleah!
Its just me and you <3 .
11:55 PM
11:55 PM
Friday, November 11, 2005
Just finish GP. Eh.. better not to talk anything abt it. Let the dust settle and the truth unveiled on March next year. You know the old notion, if you keep your hopes too high, you fall down harder. Well, now, i pretty much slacking. Watch, what's that call? The 5pm taiwan variety show with Big S one. Eh... jue dui bai fen bai. Should be. Got Jay Chou. V rich guy, give car, give cds. What else to expect man?
Anyway, I was writing in my hard cover diary. Haha... yes, i have a hard cover diary. A madeshift one from those sec school diaries i got (i was forced to write). Anyway, it felt wholesome to write in there again. Haha.. no longer have to be accountable to the "audience", cos in fact, there isn't any. No longer have to reiterate what happened, provide the background. Relaxing. And i was writing, "I was in this state of high". Not cos the A levels, i mean of cos not, who will be, but cos of the "nirvana" state i've in since the start of the exams.
Cool, you know. Like suddenly i stop blaming myself for everything. Pluck right out of the low and plunged into the high. I don't even blame myself for obsessing with Charmed. I think, i just got to a point where i'm fedup with beating myself up and just accept myself. Talking about self-denial and acceptance. Kinda of in this addictive hopeful state. Hope is a hopeless addictive man.
Getting rhetorical there ar. I don't even know i made any gramatical sense, but fact is i don't care pretty much. Haha, it's not the slip-slop heck heck attitude, it's just the I-don't-want-to-beat-myself-up-again mentality. I worried over all those meaningless stuff and lost sight. Talking about the blind. Ya the blinded seer.
Weird also. It's like suddenly i'm so happy for no reason at all. I no longer fan about what the future will be like, what to do... no use fretting over those intangible stuff right? I guess, i lost the foresight and gain the present. Then i got this st louis university letter. Quite funny at this point of time, when i opened it up, suddenly i'm all excited over it. :p Can get to study in Madrid, Spain for 2 years and then USA. Woah. Where's Spain anyway? But the thing is, Spain is about Spanish. I guess, the language used in U would still be english, but to speak english fulltime and to learn Spanish... omg. A feat? Yes.
Aiya, that's just me musing. But it's kinda weird. Suddenly i was this who-cares-about-going-overseas, it's just a fleeting phenomenon, chasing-of-the-fame thingy. But suddenly, I was like thinking, hey, this is a chance presented right at my feet and I'm going to just let it go? Quite dumb leh. I mean when am I going to get the chance to learn another culture? I won't be going for Master's or what after i get out of local U and it's just different travelling overseas and actually living there. Spain seems like a good place, exotic, mystical. Weird. Okok the weird part is just applicable for me. Nice place to start again.
And did i mention, I am on this journey of self-discovery? Haha.. chemology it seems, but actually no. I was set thinking before As. I mean i spend more time thinking than actually studying. And like i said, in this state of high, everything suddenly just clears up. If I don't want to specialise so soon, isn't the US system great for me? I don't want to just take science, and look back when I'm 40 or 50 and learn that i'm just one science freak out of thousands. Ask me about arts, about history and i know nuts. A self-effect of our academically-orientated education syllabus, if you ask me.
By the way, why is it i can write so fluently (in comparison) online and not during GP essay? Erk... like i was saying, suddenly i love liberal arts. Okay love is too harsh word, i mean i started liking liberal arts. Like i was preparing for GP and I started reading. Woah.. human rights, capital punishment. All are so interesting. I thinking more in terms of what i will be missing out on if I do talk science in local U. I mean you have to declare a major in the first year in local U, right? But I don't want to, at least for the time being.
Just say, i've wasted 18 years not studying languages, and i just want to give it a shot. Not to say, I want to increase my linguisitic proficiency like by umpteenfolds, but still give it a try. I mean, I'm too young to stick to something right? I'm allowed to make mistakes. Now, I'm just gladly exploiting this chance. I can try my luck, take up erm... political science? History? Science? Theatre? Film criticism? (i saw it somewhere) I don't know exactly what half of them stand for, but i want to take them just for the sake of taking it. Learning. Aint the govt all talking abt life-long learning? I'm learning for the sake of learning and not for exams. That's my big picture. Now, the problem is how to translate that ideal to reality, and the first gigantic step is to overcome the biggest hurdle of mine- persuading my mother.
Of cos i try to persuade myself, well going to college is just not abt getting the know-how, it's acquiring the lifeskills. The communication skills i desperately need, or the linguisitic ability basically. I should be more concerned about the school culture and what i can learn, rather than the credits the school's prestige will bring me, right? I mean, what i will bring along in life, is not all about the credentials, it's the lifeskills. But if i go the NUS or NTU, I'm missing out a huge portion of what life can offer me, you know. Somehow, i hope going overseas to study can broaden me in ways i cant possibly imagine. maybe i will turn out to be a writer even? Or humanitarian, haha? Keep dreaming. Like i said, Hope is a hopeless addictive.
Its just me and you <3 .
6:03 PM
6:03 PM
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
ok... in the midst of A levels, but still let me muse abit. Haha.. i was just reading the TIME magazine during one of the long toilet breaks about Africa. You knowm, the special on the diseases of the world etc etc... AIDS, apparently very conflict-ridden Africa. Learnt so many countries names, Nigeria, Somalia, Rwanda, Mozambique, Congo and lots of long wacky, tongue-twisting names which i should probably not try to waste my brain cells memorising their spellings.
Anyway then i remembered Mrs Baddiley. haha.. like she was freak out by everything in Africa. But hey, u got to go to Africa, for goodness sake. Ya... it's amusing to see how easily freaked out she is... kinda extreme in some cases. But think about it, if you are going to Africa like tomorrow, won't you be hysterical too? I mean i am. Just thinking if i ever end up in Africa. Think of it as a pilgrimage like to Mecca, but it's rife with AIDS, mosquitoes. Think about Singapore fretting over Aedes mosquitoes when in Africa, it's malaria, TB.
What if you just go somewhere and ganna poked by a needle, and so suay ganna AIDS?! Or ganna mugged?! and i dun mean the mug that mug...u get which mug la. Or raped! like baddiley... so funny when i recall. But eh.... and not potable water. And very wary of the needles there... ar... but still i wanna go there. But scared this scared that, how am i even suppose to fly there! ar... ya.. and the plane crash. ar....
Its just me and you <3 .
7:04 PM
7:04 PM