end of 2009

As the clock approaches to the final hours of year 2009, I finally give a sign of relief.. everything is over. the end of my degree program draws closer, freedom i smell it close to my heart. Well of cos more stress and more responsibility waiting for me..
Well looking back, it kinda a happening year... University life seems fun.. but at the same time, being broken hearted and yet touched by people who are close to me. Surprise do comes along i guess.. esp so many things had changed. human relationship got improves and somehow leaps more than expected.
well, what i have learned? It kinda alot. I never expect myself to be less conflicting than in the past. I live past my age i guess.. somethings is and suppose to let go and embrace the new energy and new life...
Perhaps year 2010 will be great year for me.. in fact i hope and prayed hard that it will. in aspect of love, career and social...well more to learn more the begin.. Cheers and happy new year. This Year i'm spending it on my own... i shall mark 2010 on my own.. it shld be isn't it? after all is my own life my own future...

Breaking down

I'm at the verge of breaking down... Keep forgetting things that i need to do and worst having all my things breaking down and spoilt non stop!!argh!! frastrating... It seems like mountain of things to finish , mountain of things to settle!! Just feel so tired and dead!!! what a way to end this Lousy 2009!!!

home

I don't know. I jus feel a little lost A minute of hot and a min of cold.. I don't know how shld i put it I want to move it to a limit that nobody will knows but at the same time somebody knows.. Honestly, I was pretty surprise that all this round it was him that protecting me.. asking if i'm alright even though he never show his concern directly in front of his fren. All he did was always in front of me that care and concern that i know i can never feel. He always prefer face to face and he seems to be around all the time...

back

went for a road trip over xmas.. This year the feeling was totally different. I seems to let of everything and see the world with no feelings maybe just pure tiredness...the feeling is so different.. Just feel good to have ppl there guiding you and help you.

But there is still unfinished business to settle. DND was terrible this year... Sit beside Bro and hear Lin DH enjoying his stupid Crictism.. Just can't take it. when i was taking a picture.. All i knw that DH keep askin Ah Neo to sit closer.. I mean it is social grace... What makes it more stupid is to DH Sign the attendance.. and when i disturb him he just smile and laugh at my stupidity.. I don't know.. I feel that i seems can't to touch or hold onto someting that i can't even open up and see... If living in their old worlds seems good then be it...

What touched me most was the Neo keep filling up my plates and he sms me to wish my "bon voyage" Well is just little things that put a smile.. but then .. if there is no consistency then what is friendship for?

Wish

Today is DH birthday.. and Guess what, it was DP who told me about it.. well initially i don't even bother to do anything. DP asked me to wish him and maybe go for a celebration with him !! of COS all this are done in a joking manner and that's why i nv bother to believe him.. And well after checking, i did send him an email and wish him happy birthday.. and he replied a "Thanks"...
Well.. Well... Sometimes sometimes you just feel that he is so close.. tha yearning feeling just so strong.. but then you jus want to know if it really will work for everyone.. i saw him on monday... he drove past me.. he look at me and give me a nod in the middle of the road.. I sometimes wonder, why he nv offer me a ride... Ytd Alan told me.. DH only talks to me, DP and ah Neo... Well why my life always so tied with them... perhaps i feel safe and sound with them.. becos DP always take me like a little sister... and Ah Neo.. he will protect me.. as for DH... he will be there to observe and take note of the things i'm goin thru and help me along.....

pondering

I just don't know. I feel so lost.. something inside me has died but yet been awaken.. It seems so raw and so distant.. sometimes you just feel like you can grab hold of it.. but the next minute it just lost.. Losing everything right in front of you... Perhaps, this is the side effect that it had been surpressed inside the heart long time ago? or maybe is because, something inside the heart is calling? I'm not sure.. I feel so lost and so distant...

Twosome world?

I don't know.. Just feel that DH is jus too close.. and just too far.. Today Joeven asked me if i will join the drinkin gathering in front of DH.. DH asked him wasn't neo instead? .. he then make a comment that wasn't the last session a twosome world.. Joeven told him it was threesome incl Joeven himself... and then become twosome world.. I don't know.. feel so weird.. just becos i took neo offer to fill in the DND table.. I end up have so much troule... IT really my own fault.. i seriously feel it is my own fault.. Oh man what have i done for this whole Dec... I feel so lost .... :( sad.. pretty sad :( :( .....
PPL ask if the two of us are dating.. I don't know.. I don't have any feeling.. just feel that he is the one that protect me whenever i feel sad... he jus been there to take care of me and see me thru..

Frozen In time

The feeling of being set free sounds super and great.. Well.. Honestly, it is all thanks to someone who managed to open my heart and put me into a life that nobody have done it... The stroll at Clarke quay changed my perspective and had set me free...
Well it is as usual him to solve all my problem feel so grateful to him... and of cos someone trusted his harddisk to me.. =) even though i dropped him an email and he personnally came down and see me about it... first baby step...
Well then, hope tis kind of mood can be frozen for a while... it tastes sweet and yet cool..
Just feel abit lost.. feel so overworked and my project objective is in a MESS!!

Him and betrayal

He showered me joy and attention... But then i'm simply not sure what he wants.. He tries to know me by asking me little questions here and there... And yet, my heart already belongs to somebody whom i myself not very sure of the current situation or the issue... Feel so close with the somebody.. and yet a betrayal to my bro... I don't know just don't wish to talk about it.. Feeling rotten...

Honesty before words...

I always thought that i will nv be able to step to Clarke quay, walking down the Same road to the same place... But i managed to get there with Bro Neo.. After the Drink, parted our ways, Bro N and I took a stroll.. Down the path i never ever wanted to go to... The Feeling is so different with a different person... It is a feeling of peace and a feeling of hope...Just that Security is in place... It is always him taking away my pain, it always him sheltering me when i'm in pain... Perhaps, It is the honesty that i see in him and the make me trust him more....
That maybe the reason why, every word he said still echo in my head...

What we are looking for in life is always the same, but just that in what perspective we want... I learned alot...
With my little bro getting more mature.. i feel i'm lucky to have 2 greats brothers taking care of me... What my little brother did for me... really touched me... It is a start and not an end ...

Growing and Learning

"You keep wanting to know how things will play out, keep asking to see the future. God doesn't give anyone the power to know the future, because life becomes maddeningly boring when you know everything upfront. So, instead of struggling, enjoy the uncertainty - to be alive means to not know. "

Last night went out with my colleagues and had a drink at Clarke Quay.. Things changed since i last stepped in.. I learn alot... My first drink taught me to see life and let go things that are not just impossible to come back but also the willingness to learn and explore.. Esp after the session, a stroll with Bro Neo, to the same place where I went with my Ex.. Memories, but it did not haunt me.. Instead, I opened up to see things in different perspective.. Now i do understand that it was not the past relationship that brought me far.. it was who i'm with @ present. Dennis told me I had changed alot... Yes I do changed alot ... In every way of my own life... I see myself growing and Learning... THe hunger of knowledge doesn't exists anymore.. but rather the power to adapt and learning thru all the falls..
I see myself in alot situation... And it is always bro there to see me thru...

Perspective

"Everything in life is nonsense, they are all just perspective"
How true ? I wondered.. If we put down our perspective mask and life with that certain navie thoughts and feeling, Isn't it a better engery around us? Irony...

First Step?

"a successful relationship requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. Always with the same person, but deeper and deeper every time. Each time on a whole new level you together open in love and discover the truth of your beloved anew. There is no limit to the beauty of your beloved. If yo...u think you've reached the end, stop generalizing."

Am i falling the same person this time round? I realise, they nv forget me from the first day till now... Bro N asked me if i would like to join DP table on DND... how much i wished, but words must be honored and being kept...

Reflection

Pondering.. all the xiao dong zuo.. i wondered issit time for me to ask him what is on his mind.. But then...How can i put it across? Our relationship still so raw and so distance. Though.. the hot and cold attitude from him... But i always feel that he always keep an eyes on me and make sure i'm fine all the time....
I really wish to open his brain and see what it is inside his mind... I really wish to know him better.. instead of knowing him what he knows about me...

Changes Yes Time for a changes.. time to go back to where i was .. with the new energy and new life...


Dima Bilan -- Changes
Isn't it anything that you said
Isn't it anything that you've done
Isn't it anything that I think we could overcome

It's not even a fight we could blame
Lover that I could name
It's harder to take when things ain't so quietly

Slowly they start,
cracks in your heart
Till all you know is drifting apart

I'm going through changes
All the things I've had are new
That I wanna hear with you,
feel wrong

And you know want's strangest?
I think you fell the same
Don't let guilt make you stay,
it's okay

Cause everything changes, changes, changes, yeah

There's nothing in the past I regret
Knowing than I'm man enough for it
I will never want to forget these memories

I'm looking for somebody else
I'm trying to find myself
It's been nice for so long
Who did I used to be

This is a role
I don't want to play
Trying a find a way I can see

I'm going through changes
All the things I've had are new
That I wanna hear with you,
feel wrong

And you know want's strangest?
I think you fell the same
Don't let guilt make you stay,
it's okay

Cause everything changes, changes, changes, yeah

If we listen to ourselves we'd know
It's time for something new,
to start
Cause I heart

Changes, changes, changes

I'm going through changes
All the things I've had are new
That I wanna hear with you,
fell wrong

And you know want's strangest?
I think you fell the same
Don't let guilt make you stay,
it's okay

Cause everythïng changes.

waiting for?

I don't see any goal in life now... My most important thing to do right now is to clear my financial problems and clear my troubled state of emotion roller coaster... So many things have changed, so many things have being let go... so much thoughts and emotion had been sorted up....
Perhaps, It little things that makes a differences in life... with a little of love i can showered means i make someone days better... what am i waiting for?!?!

Will it matter??

"your remedy for anxiety is the question: 'Will this matter in a year from now?' All too often you get so involved in things that you look at life through a microscope. Amplifying manifold, an invisible speck becomes an insurmountable mountain. Put down the microscope and imagine yourself a year from now lookin...g back at today: 'Does this really matter?'"

I will look life in a different perspective.. I will tried... Things will go smoother and i'll tried my best to be happier and will always tried to strive for the best..

:)

" Today, you should celebrate what an unbelievable life you have had so far: the accomplishments, the many blessings, and, yes, even the hardships because they have served to make you stronger. Just as a gem cannot be polished without friction, nor can a life be perfected without trials. Take a time to acknowledge your life and to praise yourself. "
Happiness comes straight from the heart.. Did i?? i'm not sure... looking thru the old emails i sent to my ex..i hold no feeling or even any thoughts of it.. but rather i see myself as a third lookin into a relationship.. i see so much work and encourage given.... this was nv a regret ... but a journey...

unconditional love...

"there is no such thing as conditional love. Love is either unconditional or it's no love. You might like someone conditional on their personality or behavior or circumstances. But love accepts no boundaries. So never say 'I love you because', for love has no cause, love comes from God."

Now I know why i still preferred DH and Neo now...

Past

"If our love was a fairy tale" What fairytale? I nv loved fairytale eversince i broke up until now... I hated soft huggies... But sometimes I wonder was it a blessing in disguse?? I had DH and Bro N guiding me thru... walkin with me all the time.. esp Bro N.. I owe alot to him.. Without him.. I don't know How far i can go... But then... Without him reminding me of DH or constantly pushing me to DH I will not see the good side of DH... Though we nv go so close.. But i will always Rmb.. How Bro N try to match made us... He got DH to call me and say DH will consider, wanting me to TLC DH and DH asked me "Who do you wan to consider? Phua? Phua is Taken"... perhaps.. the past seems so vague.. but esp with DH and Bro N by my side. That makes me feel blessed....

Winter Reflection

I have been thinking.. What will become of me if i did not constantly moving out the mainstream? Perhaps, I don't think i have this opportunity to sit close with the loves ones ....
So many things had changed and yet they still remain the same as they seems... It seems like things had frozen for me.. the same smile, the same familar face and smell.. Now i know.. I did not make the wrong decision right from the beginning.. I had steered my course in the way it had and should have... With the ppl who is around supporting me.. I look forward for a new change a brand new me =)

"I see you strong and whole. I see you blessed and prospered. I see you courageous and confident. I see you capable and successful. I see you free from all limitations or bondage of any kind. I see you as the spiritually perfect being you truly are. "

sweetness

Bro N sms me "Get well soon" ... he is the sweetness guy i ever met.. Cheering me up when i'm down.. nv question me.. encourage me when i lost my strength.... well... just feel the sweetness melted my barrier...

Making the best

"In life you don't have a choice. Just make the best out of it!"

Well totally agree!! We nv get a chance to see the future.. so whatever choices we have we still need to make the best of it... Regardless of the end. as long as the heart nv feel guilty or even lie... well.. well...

Again Again!!

I realise i have been thinkin of him... as in.. i see him in everywhere i go.. the feeling is growing stronger.. like he is always curious of my life... something abt the hort park still lingers in my head... the comment he made... and we kept a distance after being too close... the hot and coldness of life... i don't just feel so weird.... Seems like torn into two... just as someone, talk to me softly.. i wonder... I just feel so weird...

All smile?

Today I was pretty close to him. And Really close... Our personal space seems to be closed alot .... Same old thing the teasing.... Seems like we are a big kid! I was walking out of the dept heading to the wash room.. and I saw him... he looked at me and i was mumbling "aiya" he asked me what's the problem... i told him i forgotten to note down some document number.. then he start his stupid question and answer... This time round. we ended with alot of laughter and smiles.. but then.. will this be a bell curve? he had came to my resuce once.... It seems like our distance is so far... yet again... feelin close. I know he is always around me.. and he had treated me nicer eversince he knew about my break up.. and yet never did he make a noise and we are like friends... Why him @ this time?

fallen

Again, just like last yr.. He is there to make my days happy. But without holding my hands.. Jus lots of patting from him.. I don't know.. I feel that he is nice... that's all.. Well Whose knows :) Anyway.. Come what may ... I know, he tries to get close to me.. I catch him, staring @ me @ the audit and he always around whenever, i'm talking to someone... I don't knw.. LEt time tells

Never be the same

the feeling is raw... It seems like things will never be the same.. With the same smile, same laughter but the different feel of it.. Perhaps is a release, maybe not.. Sometimes, things seems to be so lost. And yet to find the solution and direction seems to be so vauge and tough. Perhaps, there is a reason why one person should have a few good friends. And perhaps it is a reason why a friend is built based on the mutual trust and based on the ability to understand... THru hard times and good times, things will never ever be the same. No matter how much it is worth.. Time to move to a higher level..

Changes

"The quickest way to find love is to give love. If you want it too badly, you will not find it. The most secure way to keep love is to give it space and care to grow. If you hold it too tightly, you will lose it. "

It seems so true... I feel so lost... I realise, I shld give myself time, a breathing space.. Changes! Yes i can and i shld expect it... Time to strip down all the things and re-live to what i use to be... PAST is past.. and IS over..

Dad said... If i continue to argue with DH we will end up being good friend... Well he is right.. we always fight! But he is the one who talk to me when i was depress.. and with him and Neo... I rmb that long stare with that "I got something to ask you" Expression.. I'm thankful to know him.. And thankful to have him as someone who is beside me when i'm down with Neo.. Perhaps, this is the best gift i have in return of my pain.....

Confuse. fear...

I just feel so confuse with my own feelings.. partly ... I fear loneliness.. and I fear alot of things.. Neo narrates me a story that keep rewinding in my mind.. and i thought it very hard... Again... I have a strong feeling of facing a rebound... I'm going into it again... When will i wake up ?? I really wished that i have some help on it!!

Mistake 101

Pain and yet knowing it is not worth the trouble... I wondered, why did i give myself the trouble to enter to the Build a bear shop... i wondered why did i bother at the first place.. Saw something familiar saw the smile and saw the pledge, that token of acceptance... it was a past.. But the feeling of bitterness and happiness.. The pain just cut thru every healed wound... driving me to the wall.. filled me with guilt and bitterness of an incident, that tasted sweet yet bitter at the same time.. I don't know... I still have the same person with me... making me smile.. teasing me and filled my days with some fun... and yet someone who i likes once, taking care of me .. sharing trouble ...

Meaning

" Meaning isn't something out there waiting for you to discover. The meaning of your life is what you infuse it with - beauty or ugliness, happiness ...or sadness. It is totally your choice, and God wants it to be your choice because God gave you free will. "

Running on an Emotional Empty tank.. That's how i feel now... Every step seems heavy and every turn i make i see that fear... I wish to discover more than what i have recieve and give what i can to a new life.. My drastic changes, have make me lost that touch of self-check.. Is this a good choice? I wondered... It is not the distance that i travel or who i have travelled with.. But why? I see this weakness in me now.....

I cried out loud once... now I don't wish to cry.. Dreams are real... I don't wish to have jus dreams... Perhaps, i shld forgo th exterior look and look deeper into something called the inner beauty. I shall again give myself a new chance to run this emotional tank.....

Hot and Cold

Today, I was busy talking with BT.. He saw me.. and he give me the cold look... Then on the lift, again that cold look... Why always that cold look Was it because of that email? or was it because he doesn't like me?? I hate this colde and hot treatment.. Why can't he jus put it straight....
I knew it from the start, he will be always stay hot and cold to me... just simply wish to ignore him...
My relation with Neo seems to be improving.. we are able to talk more and share more. But then how long our firendliness can last? I don't know.. I just feel So lost.. so CONFUSE!

Time..

Time.. Time.. This is the moment i asked myself repeatly.. Am i ready for it? The soft touch the soft approach... The fun to be taken away... the distance i tried to leave... the world i stripped down.. The fun i breathed into my blood.. So different, so crazy, so raw...

It is like a damaged in time.. a damaged in life.. PErhaps, that is something i can't pick up..

If i die...

"That's not to say it's an easy purpose, or a convenient one.... It might very well seem hard or even impossible, but it only looks that way. The truth is that one day you will look back and see how all the pieces fit together. And how your life has been a complete and utter success."

All the broken heart, all the happiness... all the confusion.. Now i know I'm in love... yes, maybe... His SMS nv failed to make me smile...

Playing with Fire

I know i'm playing with fire.. Feeling disgusted with my own wits and words... I just don't understand why tearing down the past and present seems to be so difficult. I don't know.. lately have been close with DH not really close but our relationship starts to improve.. but i will say another bell curve?
I don't know, he will always speak of Neo in front of me... I'm keepin my cool.. He came to my desk twice... with DP and this time round.. he asked me what cert i'm talkin and the two of them start to compare house in front of me..
I don't care their house size... I'm more concern of protecting my things.... I'm not going to play with fire.. I don't wish to get burn now.. Maybe leave it to fate then....

did I?

I feel abit weird!! Ytd.. DH walk over to me and show me his codes that he printed.. while i was busy with my work.. i turn back and saw him smiling... i really wonder what is goin on his mind... He tease me.. he likes to provoke me... but then he still complain to me sometimes... I don't know... i feel so weird.. today DP or Neo called me and then either one of them told me DP is taken... I was wondering when on earth did i ever have any good feeling to DP?? I dunno! DP keep promoting Neo and NEO keep promoting DH.. and DH dun bother @ all he only bother to tease me... and talk abt me with neo when i'm around ...

the Threesome world

I'm very certain that , Bro N and DH were talking about me.. I was boarding the bus and Neo ask DH sth then i hear DH saying loudly that "she did not see me" and after which DH tries to talk to me by saying that i ran home even the printers queues was down..
We argue a little again then he was wondering will i follow neo or follow him so he stand on the middle platform and said i copy cat... i was waiting my call the get thru so i signal him the incoming train bound to the east....
Well, again, bro Neo listen and walk away...

once again, this is of threesome world....

SMILE!! Deja Vu??

Bro Neo and bro phua always want me to smile and be happy. Bro neo told me, when you smile the person over the phone will know that you are smiling... Bro Neo, Why it was you in the end, healing my pain? no matter how much DP ask why i always put a long face, i nv get a good answer to his question... But With Bro Neo words, i feel so different.. I feel that, simple things do make me smile rather than getting an answer to it.. Talking to bro neo, i feel like talking to a real guy, someone i can talk to with my own sense without any fear ... jus feel so comfortable like i'm with someone whom i know for years.....

Regrets?

Had a small little talk with a fren.. he feels that i'm a perfectionist and always worried too much.. well his advice to me is to plan and work for my goal and expectation but then for every decision ask myself will i regret it or not...
That's was a good advice... especially now during this transition period... I will adopt a better life by worrying less, smile more and only ask myself will i regret it or not.... No more of thinking too much.... This is it!! Feel good to hear advices.. =)

Graduation!

I wondered, am i really proud of myself.. During the top student speech, i had shed some tears, images of my gummies gang and my dead tired face... it was a struggle and a fight that i had put up ... Perhaps, a journey that had allowed me to understand and see myself better... It was the place where i was left broken hearted and mend my heart with the help of my uni frens.. where i also learnt alot of myself and my own strength and weakness... This is the journey i will nv forget ...

Back from Vacation

Back! I'm back from Kuching...
This trip the feeling was totally different compare to the previous trip.. I see alot of myself.. I had learned to take risk and take control of my own life... I see myself in a different perspective now.. I see myself in my own future, my dreams.. Perhaps, this trip was a release to my internal struggle..
Alot of reflection... I asked myself, Will i be happy if i had gone to Kuching with him, will he enjoy as much as i do? will he able to adapt that kind of life? in which I was able to adapt and enjoy the simplicity of it...
Well, There is no pain or hurt.. Just letting it go it must... Like the road which leads to the place where i belong... Slowly, i will sink down to my new world, with my new found love of adventure... This is my begining...

Deja Vu

He Called again... His first tone is always that soft "HEY" that was what i like his greeting... Anyway He asked some qns regarding my Bro NS... Well.. Again, I was the one who don't reveal much....

Today Bro N make a cup of Honey drink using his mug.. But then i did not drink.. I feel so peiseh....
DH and DP visited me today... Again.. He likes to Talk so much of my boss in his world with DP... While DP trying to get me involved.... I don't understand when both of our eyes meet we always look thru and then we nv smile or even give a nod of acknowledgement at all... Only when both of us with a distance apart....
DP Was like always messing my stuff and tries to get me to be at a lighter side...
I'm pretty lucky to have 2 good brothers afterall....

It's Just OK.

"Just rest for a moment. It's OK. Yes, things are crazy, yes, the world is going nuts. Yet, deep underneath the stormy waves, there, in the core of your being, there is pure silence, pure love. And ... it's ... just ... OK. "

Wow.. It's seems so true... I missed those days where i will understand what i want in my stupid life... Well not stupid but complicated....
Had a brief talk with Linclon.. I felt so blessed.. He is always there to listen my problem... Just like my poly frens Nic, YX, Bro Roland and CW... But then, I can't always rely on people to solve my own problem. Time to be strong and handle every little problems i have...

I knw lots of ppl is waiting for my cue to call. Bro Phua always knw that i'm in a moody shape.. He always show that he don't care but silently he cares.. DH always gives attitude. But he do have a little soft spot for me... well his eyes always give him away.. Bro neo, nv failed to bring a little smile on my face with his funny conversation... Life is a blessing with these ppl around afterall...

Well, in this deep moment of time, breaking my silence of my honest truth seems to be so impossible.. Cos I knw i will never learnt from my pain... I had been moving on at a faster pace than anyone.. I need to slow down... literally SLOW down!!

I missed alot of good times.. Well time to come to a point where i will have to slow down and take a good rest... i will need time to adjust and make a roadmap in my life.... Time to set myself free too...

Angels of Music

Sometimes I don't really understand myself... I wonder do i like him or someone else.. But I'm pretty sure that i had fallen in somebody..I'm pretty sure...
But then it is like a transition process.. I'm not sure where my heart lies... To love seems to be tough, to hate seems to be equally tough too..

Whatever it is, i'm not goin to bother anymore, Whoever or whatever the future lies, i will strive for it... And no Regrets!!!

Something New

I guess I do hav a little feeling for my "good" fren... a little only lah... But i'm not sure of myself... I do feel happy when i see his email... it warms my heart and make my day.. other than his stupid comments and blah blah... :) feel happy and feel good =)

His Stares.

He drove past the bus stop today.. and while he looked back @ his friend, he turned and saw me.. A brief look from him and a glance from me.. That pause... I remembered clearly.. It always the way he look at me.. It seems like he had sth to tell me yet he can't afford to open his golden mouth.. It had been like this for 2-3 years.. I just don't understand why he can't just open that mouth and talk to me..
Sometimes, I just feel that am i so difficult to talk to? If only, he is less judgemental.. I would fall for him if only... He told me that he likes mature gals.. But i guess, he is not able to hold on to the emotion.. What shocked me the most, was that on my last movie- the time Traveller's wife, when i close my eyes i see him.. I wanted to have him in my life... I'm scared, He is not someone i can touch.. I know it just too much that i can't touch him....
His two good brothers has been promoting him to me.. D told me he always act tough in front of him... especially with things related to me... I don't know.. I feel like, this stone need to be move away or i have to slip away then.....

The Race is on

The feeling is so different.. Sometimes i wish i could break free... sometimes i felt that i'm already free.. I'm tired of my this confusion.. honestly, I hate to be given away.. i felt that i'm lost.. Losing my own sense of direction...
But i need to hold on.. I need to hold on I need to finish my race.. It is my own race now...
Went for a movie on Friday, the time traveller wife.. Was pretty upset for me esp when i was walking home and took out my Mobile phone.. That sudden reminder of me checking and wait for his sms... It hurts alot.. I somehow still miss him a little.. Deep inside my heart.. I do feel a little.. esp those good times.. But i know i can't live on the past... It's time for me to move out slowly, and bring a new cheer in life..
I guess i will make it.. I know i will make it...

Depressed.

I found it totally unbearable.. I can't stand it anymore. Feel like Crying, Feel like hiding... This pain is so unbearable.. How i wish. How I wish... I feel like I need a shoulder to cry on.. I wanted to have a shoulder to cry....

I want to be free.. I feel so depressed now especially now... I feel so tired and feel so worn out. I wanted a place to hide.. a place for me to shelter from the pain...

He called again.. this time round asking me how to configured something. I wanted ask him, am i someone he like to make use of or just a helpdesk... What do friends stand for in his brain? I wondered!?!?!

I don't understand guys.. I really don't understands guys!!

No Surprize

No Surprize...

I've practiced this for hours, gone round and round
And now I think that I've got it all down
And as I say it louder, I love how it sounds
Cause I'm not taking the easy way out
Not wrappin' this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

Chorus
It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

It came out like a river once I let it out
When I thought that I wouldn't know how
Held onto it forever, just pushing it down
Felt so good to let go of it now
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

Chorus
It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow
There's nothing here in this soul left to say

Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow
God knows we tried to find an easier way
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
That's why this comes as no,
As no surprise

If I could see the future and how this plays out
I bet it's better than where we are now
But after going through this
It's easier to see the reason why

Chorus
It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
(stayed till today)
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

I just love this song when i first hear it... When to the Beach again.. Still the same flash back ... still the same regret.... No is not regret is the sense of the direction being gone.. But the pain just seems to vanish slowly... peeling out of my skin.. Mona lisa smile must be gone.. I need to find my laughter and my love again.. I must continue in my search... I will.. I will. I know

Tears. Touched.

一开始我以为爱本来会很容易
所以没有经过允许就把你放心底
直到后来有一天你和他走在一起
我才发现原来爱情不是真心就可以

我感动天感动地怎么感动不了你
明明知道没有结局却还死心塌地
我感动天感动地怎么感动不了你
总相信爱情会有奇迹都是我骗自己


以为自己不再去想你
保持不被刺痛的距离
就算早已忘了我自己
却还想要知道你的消息

I loved this song.. just completed my revision read up.. i cried after talking to bro Tom.. memories... 总相信爱情会有奇迹都是我骗自己 I never moved on mircles.. that's me... Now i understand.. my thinkin better.. And i somehow feel better...

Breaking Free

I don't know how to explain.. Lately i feel a little bitter and perhaps a little pain.. but it seems to be fine after a while.. Why must i mask up my pain? I don't understand. I feel like dying inside.. I wanted to rip myself apart and take a good look of myself.. THis struggle have been too long. I wanted to say YES! i had let go.. But my heart still have a little yearning ... NO perhaps is a flash black.. The kisses and hugs seems so real.. I can even feel it.. But i know it is over.. it has been over a long time 3 months ... or may be more.. it has been over so long.. I long to hear "I love you" but i knw it is impossible. maybe i dreamed too much.. Just plain too much.. What changes me was not the r/s but was my struggle.. I need a release, i need a break.. leaving Singapore for a short while seems to be a choice.. But i'm so tied down.. I want to say goodbye to my life... i really want to do so.. I can't hold on anymore.... Music cleanse my thoughts.. but silence keep me alive.. I need to break free..

Rotting Salve

I'm really very angry with myself.. Rotting salve of my own internal struggle. Nobody seems to understand what I am thinkin or perhaps i just shut my door faster than anyone can come in... I don't even know what i want @ the first place.... I must be free.. I must be set free.. The only way to be free is to be free internally and be a brand new way... I need to restore that self assurance i have.. And not to lost it....

UP movie

"Thanks for the adventure. Now go have one of your own"
This last words on the Scrap book that "Ellie" left for her childhood sweetheart.. LEft me to tears.. I had under estimated that love is only a short term .. but then it is still fairy tale afterall .... Loved the last words.. It like an adventure need not to be something so happening.. but sharing part your life and world with the one you love is also an adventure...
I finally see the beauty of love. Yes, it made me shed tears throughout the movie.. but thinkin back... It had touched my heart and taught me how to love... I want to have an adventure of my own too.. and share my life with someone...
Thank you for the adventure!

Hallelujah

I guess it is another week of PMS.. Which means a week of void and wanting and longing... I don't know to express out... Sometimes i jus wish to find a quiet place and sing " Hallelujah" I guess.. it will help me to tone down my woes... I guess.. I will need to find solace in myself. I will be Strong. I will.. I will try... Sometimes i feel that i'm kinda lucky to have great colleagues who really there for me.. Yes They know what i'm goin thru... and they try to protect me ... There's really touch me alot... to be honest. deep into my heart... Thanks god. For the protection and the guidance... As this pain slowly vanish and leave me behind.. I learn to accept things as they are and move on as fast as i can.. Yes! the pain can kill me and make me feel so helpless... In the Song, in the same old place where i stood is where i find my peace.. may i seek the same peace and yet, find the new love and be able to give love along this journey...

Quiet Prayer

I thought of the quietness.. I thought of the quiet moments. oh that silentness give me peace.. But i need to keep myself away from all these things.. I feel so tired and so tired that sometimes i just wish i can just sleep my time away.... I don't want to remember those moments.. even he still msn me and vent all his problems. i don't know what to do anymore... I'm feeling so tired now... and just feel like dying...

Mona lisa SMile

I wondered... AM i not happy. Honestly, I guess i just lost that capability to smile as much as i can... I mean I jus purposely don't smile.. I know it seems do stupid not to... But i just feel so sick to smile to let ppl to take advantage on... I'm jus plainly tired and just tired... But this dream keeps me alive.. that IDEA Bro Tom had discussed with me... I can't wait to get it executed... I miss those poly days.. where laughter are aplenty and endless of stupidity jokes.. But time dun turn back.. Jus look forward and make a gamble of it then..

My thoughts

"Call me Crazy if you have to. I won't be bothered.. You don't have the right to judge me, neither do i have the right to judge you. @ the edge of this cliff, I'm all ready to take this chance to feel the thrill, even to lay down my life for this Jump, I will still do it....."

This is what i'm thinkin now... LEaping of the cliff... Even to lay down my life... I'm feeling so tired... Feeling so dead... Feeling so Hollow... Feeling VOID...
No I don't leave love a bad name.. neither do i have that impression... I jus feel that i need more friends, more activity and fun.....

回忆

Irony, When we fall, we wish we are capable of pulling ourself up and move on.. But during the process of moving on, we lost of goal and engulf in the world of struggle
This song was so true
Sometimes When We Touch - Dan Hill

You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides


Yes, When i was in love i was struggling... Trying to find myself.. How i wish someone could be there to tell me what to do.. But when i woke up... I Jus think back... This pain seems to vanish slowly.. Only the image a blur image just appear and flash back... How he looks never seems to reflect in my memory... neither do i remember anymore ... Perhaps... I will one day.....

Lincoln's Thoughts.

" Keep a positive attitude toward change. Although not all changes are good, we do have the freedom to choose our attitude. Change, even when it is negative, can be an ally if you take advantage of it and use it for good: “Now your attitudes and thoughts must all be constantly changing for the better”
Everything you do is influenced by your values. Your actions in life are largely determined by the values you hold. Every time you make a decision, you’re relying on your values to tell you what to do. "

I guess he got his inspiration from his jogging hours. Well somehow it seems to be there. But then, we still need to be flexible in handling ourself. Judgement do kill our life and our attitude. We must learn to forgive and learn to explore... Our attitude can bring us far. But we must know our limits. Fly spread your wings and fly. MY LIFE IS NOT FOR RENT! Spreading my Wings and Fly.

Reflection

On thursday He called asked for direction... My thoughts were:
" Now i know it is so hard to control myself. His calls left many pauses and questions. I don't really think of him much. He just fill in details of his life to me. I don't know the feeling is so different... I wonder are we both faking or just trying too hard. Forgive me. I seem to lose myself. That self-denial is killing me:

Today I went to the Beach Pairis Rsis Beach... My thoughts were:
"At the same place where we used to sit down and make out. Listening to "21 guns". Inside my heart somethings has down. I don't seem to have any of any memory of it. THe wind Kisses my Cheek. All i feel is a little happiness in it. It is like a sense of release in me. No I did not pretend it. It's really me. I don't have any feelings inside my heart just a void."

At the Same bench. Passing the Same place... Everything I am is still the same. Just that perhaps, times has changed.. Life had transform...

My all, Where have you been. PErhaps in 2 years time. It will be a perfect time for me to leave this place for good....
Good bye to my old life... I had lost you right from the start... Right from the beginning... I had lost my dignity and my pride for once... I will have to build all of them up again... This is my new life.. .taking away my own internal struggle and set myself free...

Moments of the last

I don't know. Sometimes i jus feel that i'm the mus feeling uncertain and the most vunlerable creature now...It seems to me that I just simply can't finish my work... and I'm like living on a life that doesn't seems to be truly belongs to me...
I just feel so tired and feel so down... THose little memories of him jus flash back... I asked myself, why do i have to make myself so miserable... Why must i mask up my pain... No it is not pain.. but it is the slight discomfort of knowing that somethings has really come to an end.. the Fear of being lonely, the fear of being left out.... I just wish that i will find my little cozy corner that once i have... and just burst into tears whenever i have to... I just feel so weak..... i wish i could finish all my work and quickly finish up and sort up all the things...

@ the end of the Day:
"One of the hardest things in life isn't grabbing onto things, it's letting them go"

In deep thoughts

I think and think and think. With this kind of energy what am i suppose to expect. With this kind of life , what am i suppose to expect. Oh will somebody tell me, open my heart and rip open my energy and see what lies in it. I cried, I screamed, i smiled... Facing the reality seems to be so hard. But then it jus slip by slowly, leaving me in a peaceful thoughts of life. I'm neither remarkable nor important. But these quiet peace awaken my power to read and untie all knots. But how about me, myself?who has this power to untie and renew the energy for me?
I'm lost, No i'm not.. I'm just plainly tired. Tired of this leaving tired of surviving with that smile that doesn't seems to fit into the reality releam of my world. I wanted to cry, I wanted a shoulder to cry on....

Friends?

He called.. while i was out... His first sentence was, where are you?
I was wondering, is he goin to return me the book? I won't to get back my books
Anyway, i can't heard what he was saying.. But i guess he was saying he was not happy or guilty... but i told him he is happy ... he ask why? i told him from his tone.... I dunno... it doesn't affect me much.. but i was wondering.. perhaps he shld his best fren instead... afterall, we are jus frens and i'm not his spare....

Breathless

It seems like a hard week is coming. Soul searching had been done constantly.. Life seems to began, but it also seems like it is coming to it's end. Maybe I wasn't prepare enough..
Thinkin back on my last conversation with Yx
she replied me :

"What change?

What happened that made you changed so drastic, as you put it?
Its just one guy, one who don’t appreciate you, who don’t even have the slightest idea of what he’s saying, who is darn immature and really insensible & irresponsible to say all those reasons that he said to you.
Do you think it’s worth it? Losing the original crazy personality that you have?

Don’t think me you still can’t let go of him.
He’s is just a stone in your path, not a gem."

Stone and not Gem.. it keeping hitting me hard. so hard that i paused a moment. Nobody knows my trouble nobody will neither anyone will.. it is the barrier that i will be erecting for myself. this smile had long gone with a bitterness in it..
But it mus not last too long.. Flavour of life... it's a flavour of life afterall

looking back

I had flash back... And it jus occur so often.. sometimes i jus wished to hide @ home and don't bother to get out.. But then i will die of boredom and get Moody more..
It is so tough... I just feel that i faked too much... Keep assuring everyone i'm fine... whereas i know i still not... I guess time to stop using Facebook or even MSN...

It hurts so deeply.. sometimes i just wish i could borrow somebody Shoulder to cry on... But i can't .... I mus and mus learn to be strong... I'm tired of being strong...
Feel the stress and feel the heat... just like collapsing and drop everything off and switch off...

Van Gogh: "La tristesse durera toujours" (sadness last forever)

Again.

AGAIN JP Version - SS501



sora ga nakinagara ima
mado wo tataiteru
nemurenai mama kyou mo
yoake wo mukaeta
kimi no namae nando yonde mitatte
koko ni kimi wa inai


Baby say again Baby please say again
mou ichido kaettekuru to
Tell me where you are
nanimo iranai moshi kimi ga modoru nara


toki ga keshiki kaete mo
ai wa kienai yo
motto chanto kimochi tsutaetakatta
aenaku naru no nara


Baby say again Baby please say again
mou ichido boku wo yonde yo
Tell me where you are
me wo tojiru nda
ano egao sagasu tame
ima made shiranakatta yo
tobou mo nai konna sabishisa wa


Baby say again Baby please say again
mou ichido aishiteru to
Tell me Where you are
nanimo iranai moshi
kimi ga modoru nara
Again



The English Ver

Now, the sky is weeping (1)
(and the rain is) beating against the window
I couldn't sleep again today,
so I greeted the morning's light
I called out your name over and over again
but you're not here


Baby say again, baby please say again
that you're coming home again
Tell me where you are
I don't need anything else, if you just come back to me


Even though it's time for the seasons to change,
our love won't fade!
I wanted to express my feelings properly
in case we never see each other again


Baby say again Baby please say again
That you'll call my name again
Tell me where you are
I closed my eyes and
try to remember your smile (2)
And until now, I didn't realize
the enormous amount of lonliness I felt


Baby say again Baby please say again
Say that you love me again
Tell me where you are
I don't need anything else, if you just come back to me
Again


Shu Hui told me, close the door and never look back... my door will open for someone else... A horse will nv go back to the old pasture...

Now i know... Yes, I'm closing it hard... because.. he was mean in his words and never sincere at the end of the day....

The wedding Affair

Yeasterday was cousin Siok Hua wedding.. I could say.. pretty interesting and tiring.. I could say... i was pretty shocked by my own transformation... the make up and the hair-do is so not me.. I do love my make up... Though little in me.. i still feel the pain.. as memory jus flash back.... But i knw... deep inside me.. i do like any little gal hope to have a transformation and fly.

爱过的人

不想听不想说
过了明天以后
不想醒不想做
原谅我难过

不想走不想留
还是这个结果
不想痛不想拖
我们曾经犯下的错

不想永远记着你的吻
不想要这故事太残忍
我付出的一切多么诚恳
还是留下伤痕 oh~

不想永远被过去牵扯
不想要这现实太残忍
不想你最后爱上了谁
不想要这过程
爱过的人

不想永远记着你的吻
不想要这故事太完整
我付出的一切多么诚恳
还是留下伤痕 oh~

Freedom

I was feeling lousy ytd.. and Called Nicole and have a good talk...
I learned to explore instead of hoping... I shld believe and work with many options and not just restricted myself with so little or according to a detailed plan... guess that the reason i was holding back so much... I was unhappy back then.. now i feel that relieved.. with the pain in it...
Yes.. I should open up and follow my heart.. if memories flashes back.. then let it be back.. one day it will go... this knots has been slowly untie... Today my Smile was straight from my heart.. I don't feel that sadness in it....
I found something to believe in and found something to breathe for.... My prayer. my Answer...

Pain, hurt

I try to hold on... I try to sounds i'm okie.. But my heart just bleeds... I can't stare at somethings alone.. I feel so tired and so upset... Sometimes i just wish i can give him a call and tell him how i feel.. PErhaps, this is the torture of falling in love...
I thought i'm prepared.. I thought i will do well... But i'm terribly wrong... God.. Help me.. I feel so died feel so meaningless... It is really a torture to me...

Take Care

Went TCC with DH and Bro Neo.. Kinda touching for me... Esp their action is pretty sweet... Esp DH.. the Bo Chap Guy.... He told me to take care of myself afterall it makes life more interesting... and Bro Neo Share abit of DH sad story.. Bro Neo too, told me to get well soon... What touches me the most is Bro PHua... he emailed me: " I understand, sometimes it jus too late. I had the same feeling too. That's why i'm so sick of relationship. Iron out the issue or 10 yrs down you will still cannot resolved it. But if you don't plan to be fren with him. Same as me. I nv keep my Ex-s as fren. difficult. then don't bother to iron out. AT the end of the day, Time will heal all wounds... trust me.."
I cried and tears keep streaming... I wonder shld i continue to patch back or just be single and wait for the Right one... Most of my friend supported me wanted me to follow my heart... My heart told me to give one more try... but i'm scare ... Very scare...

Raining in my Heart

Linclon told me:
"As u look back from where u have been and where u are right now and where u are heading in the future. u could see that u could not have gotten where u are right now, without coming the way u came. there aren't any other road nor shortcut for it.
But u just have to travel the road, you cant be successful if you haven't paid the price of success with yourself. Don't give up when the future and i haven't give up on u. i believe u can do it."


i hope that i will walk out of my trouble soon...
I hope to see the rainbow with you.. But i wish to be selfish a little..
I wan to to see the rainbow with the people who has been around with during my darkest day.
I wan to sing, dance and total immerse in the sun after the rain..
I wan to do it with my all my supportive friends...
Will the sun shine for me? will You be there to sing and dance with me after this rain as well?

broke up

He told me to remain as friend... Actually back in Taipei i already have to hunch that he will... Yeah perhaps he is right our timing is not right.. But I don't understand why i nv cried... Maybe i dun love him enough.. Enough..

Broken String..

Whenever i feel sad, i jus like to play broken string... Sometimes i wonder, why mus i feel so broken....
Ytd I went to watch Ghost of the Girlfriend Past.. There is a qoute that i really love
"Someone once told me that the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less, and he was right. But power isn't happiness, and I think that maybe happiness comes from caring more about people rather than less..."

Perhaps that's the reason i nv wanted to give him up... Because i love him. I just want to feel hime and want him to be with me.. But then @ the same time i wanted him to have his own world.... And i have not totally prepare to love him with my whole heart.. Because i fear to be heart broken.. Broken String Broken String...

A recharge

The recharge... The end of Pungol Really Charge my mind and soul well.... A little of quietness and a little peace with a bit of nature.. THat's what I need. I jus feel that my time was well spend... No issue or string attached on Love or finance or life.. Jus a dream, a goal... So i guess I'm all ready for the break....

Change- Change

I'm definitely not goin to listen or CHANGE.. Enough... I'm tired.. Sometimes i wish i can be free... Sometimes i wish i can be free, to puruse my dreams and goals.... I knew that he will be busy. I knew that he will have to do the things.. Sometimes i wish if we are a total stranger it will be better for us..... This distance this path.. Not a truth to me neither a lie.. Just a a picture that blinds me.. In my heart, it is hollow and empty...

Doing the Right thing??

A so called impersonate Conversation with Lincoln... Kinda of long.. But filled with alot of deep thoughts... Doing the right thing? I don't don't understand.... WHat does he mean of Doing the right thing... WHy suddenly a promotion of himself?? Anyway, let fate decide... I don't even know what he is talkin and why is he doin this.... Jus a blurt mind.... Don't care...

Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
confusing
- The fire has turned blue says:
i'm veri confuse

so are u a christian too?
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
yes
- The fire has turned blue says:
oh.. same church as ur brother?
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
why?
- The fire has turned blue says:
... read his nick
ANGEL!
did u SEEN her
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
orh
see the angel a few time
- The fire has turned blue says:
oh...
u knw her?
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
spotted her few month ago
- The fire has turned blue says:
issit...
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
no
- The fire has turned blue says:
did u or ur bro go and say hi...
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:

none
not even friend yet
- The fire has turned blue says:
aiya.. u Seems to be friendly.. go break the ice...

oh ya.... then pls pls let me knw the name
.. i'm veri curious wor...
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:

u must be joking
- The fire has turned blue says:
...
not joking...
i'm curious...
seriously deadly curious
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
why dont u recommend ger to him
- The fire has turned blue says:
aiya... he always hang around with some gals..
he can choose de mah..
why mus recoomend.. somemore he is someone who has his own choice..
hm let .. the gals we both knws are really not bad de leh..
independent and thoughtful.. caring and dun demand much .... expect err.. eat alot or more than him...
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
all of us have our own choice, including u.
- The fire has turned blue says:
incl me
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
but are they christian?
- The fire has turned blue says:
of cos i hav my own choice

why mus only date christian?
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
who are the gers u and him hang out with?
- The fire has turned blue says:
sch mates.

but it doesn't matter.. u can recommend too

Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
culture and religion issue. it will cause BIG time if nv settle well
sch mate?
- The fire has turned blue says:
oh.. but something u can't force de...
uni mates... course mate then become frens
then becomes family..
then become one group of interesting Youngster..
all this pls get him to explain... then u will understand ..
anyway back to religion... it is a belief can't force both side to believe each other ... but of cos to hav a common... but nv nv restrict is the best
the best is respect and understand each other religion afterall all teaching are the same... to make a person to be a better person
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
alright.
yes
respect is very impt
but, have the same religion help each other to grow
and we have the same common goal/objective in everything
example: bring up ur children
what are the thing u need to do
- The fire has turned blue says:
...
if u dun hav the feel nth can be done de..
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
and blah blah blah, the list can go on
- The fire has turned blue says:
it takes two to clap.. same theory apply here... i got two different religion family ...
well of cos the wife follow the husband in name as christian..
the kid follow the dad..
but then still okie still goes well.. the kid grow up to be a christian with his mom blessing...
so is up to both side de...
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
yes
with the mom blessing
some will fight over it
and sometime parent will pressure to have the kids to follow
- The fire has turned blue says:
... but love is blind de... if u in love everything also look de leh...
so moral of the story how it goes..
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
depend on individual believe
love is blind that cause not of unhappy children coz of adult fault
lots
- The fire has turned blue says:
yeah agree
that's why mus use the head then the heart
or else everything will go wrong..
oh one min..
should be 50-50 heart and head

Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
but most of the time ppl use heart than head
do u knw love is just a WORD
do u believe it
- The fire has turned blue says:
of cos.. action speaks louder than words
i dun believe in love..
for love leaves a bad name in me.. for i believe in a r/s it is the support,care and concern that both partner gives
it also abt understanding and helping each other to grow and live better and happier..
there is no love.... for our parents give us love with all this action..
that is how i define love
a love between fren, family and the right one.. is all the same .. only the amount of effort and all these ingredient in it
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
love = action
- The fire has turned blue says:
yeah..

Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
u sound u have gone through a bad pitch in your love life
- The fire has turned blue says:
.. not a bad patch.. but rather learning from it..
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
love between friends and ur parnter are differ
- The fire has turned blue says:
... i tink i still can't get it rite
...
u knw the head work too much
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
learning from it if u knowledge the mistake
- The fire has turned blue says:
i acknw my problem
thanks for the reminder
but i'm veri used to my freedom ...
even till today.. i still love the freedom i have
that's the blessing i guess
...
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
are u willing to let it go of ur freedom if u found ur true love?

SACRIFICE?
- The fire has turned blue says:
.. qns...
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
my bro will, even he love freedom alots
just that at time u got to give him space to do what he love and in return he will gain more than what u give
- The fire has turned blue says:
alrite to put it straight
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
that the beauty in him
it was curl in the begining?
- The fire has turned blue says:
... freedom is how u define... working space no matter wat die die mus hav de...
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:

- The fire has turned blue says:

to be honest... i define my freedom as own personal space..
meaning i believe i do hav my mean my own rights to chase after my dream
of cos.... both mus chase together
it mus somehow both party come to a common understanding...
is the bread and butter issue learnin to depend on each other and at the same time goin for sth that u set sight on..
that's no true love..
only true and wonderful partners in life
marriage is not love
or even in a r/s
but the understanding and ability to support one another in all situation
that's my 2 cents worth..
now get it curled
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
u sound more like having a I than WE
- The fire has turned blue says:
of cos
i got nth to do with u mah...


Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
in another ur words is more on independent than INTERdependent, sorry abt it
- The fire has turned blue says:
of cos..
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
not me la
- The fire has turned blue says:
becos i havn found the one yet mah
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
i mean u and ur partner
- The fire has turned blue says:
.. my partner we hav our space
alot of issue...
but then somehow we jus manage to understand ...
when time to give then give, time to take then take..
but it deosn't matter.. feelings will died de..
life still continue...
let's not tok abt it..
.. not veri nice to say all this things.. cos i myself also veri confuse...
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
alright
we change topic
- The fire has turned blue says:
no right is wrong

Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
can we?
- The fire has turned blue says:
huh
of cos..
change

i anything de..
why u wan to get a date for your bro issit
aiya... let him be lah...
he will get one when he meet the one lah...
rush him also no use...
poor Daniel...
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
why do u call him daniel?
and not lincoln?
- The fire has turned blue says:
cos he call my chinese name
so i call him daniel
i dun liketo call his chinese name
end up callin the wrong one
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
date? my bro where got time?
- The fire has turned blue says:
.. look @ him no time..u mus be kidding
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
he nowaday every come home study for his CCNA
- The fire has turned blue says:
of cos lah..
CNNA worth alot of money now leh...
somemore if company sponsor betta
the course itself is not cheap...
esp if he plan to go network..
CNNA will help him in his career...
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
he like network and security
- The fire has turned blue says:
yeah i knw
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
ppl was sent more than months of training for CCNA, and he attend course just for 4 days
the rest he got to read up
- The fire has turned blue says:
..
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:

- The fire has turned blue says:
if it is his callin he will do it well de..
no matter how tough given his attitude i believe he don't give up easily de..
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:

he will de
- The fire has turned blue says:
better will or else i will butter him....
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
heard to be certify CCNA u got to get 82.5%
- The fire has turned blue says:
and the rest will butter him

Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:

i just give him pressure
i will let him be and let him decide as he know it best
- The fire has turned blue says:
.. ....
like wat u say everyone has a choice... i guess he will get the best for himself de..
u as his bro give him ur blessing ... u sure u not linclon?
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
everyone does have a choice in life
just that how u choose it
what make u think i am?
- The fire has turned blue says:
ur answering style
ha.....
Daniel reply me standard is somehow like tis de...
i knw my ppl well...

Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
we came from the same factory de
- The fire has turned blue says:
huh..
same manufacture time issit
Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
just rem:be happy on the things u can control over and focos on it.
- The fire has turned blue says:
...
anyway Nice tokin to u mr Daniel...
i learn sth today
but if u are linclon u will knw wat i learn...
if u are not... then guess u got to figure out a little
prepare to go home liao


Lincoln -- On CCNA Course @ ITE Dover -- Day 4 says:
alright
too take care
whether i am or not is not a big issue
the issue is u must to the RIGHT thing
do

broken heart?

I don't know.. I just want to see him today.. but i did not... Ytd in the Exhbition.. He called me ytd morning to check my where about.. When he heard that i was goin bugis first, his voice changed with abit of unhappiness.. THe next minute he asked who I'm goin and Why i'm goin there... When I met him @ his booth.. We both give each other a smile.... and when he put his hands around me.. He held me closed and tightly... But then, inside my heart, i feel that distance i just want to leave the place..... I feel numb.. And i dun feel good after seeing him.. A very quiet me.....
When i was abt to leave, I purposely went up and bide him goodbye.. again he is busy and when our eyes meet we acknowledge with each other a tight smile.. He was about to leave the booth and come towards me, but i just waved him a goodbye......
I just feel that we missed alot of good times together... I don't know.. I feel so confused.... esp after our last arguement for missing my birthday....

Missing

I jus feel that the Fast- paced world sometimes do leave a bad impression on human beings.. Esp the older generation... they don't engage the younger ones into their discussion or keep them involove. IN SHORT everything is THEY TAKE CHARGE.. When things failed they start to make a big fuse and start to play the blaming game...
I don't know Just feel that Wow time flies.. I still need to rush thru the things and get things done.. no matter how busy i got to struggle hard and work even harder to complete my task... and @ the same time being throw with more task... IT is challenging but at the same time jus feel that it is not ideal and productive at all... What's missing.. LIFE and love is MISSING ... PASSION Long GONE!!

The Call

I thought it will be great for me to be alone.. Doing what i want and chasing after the dreams that i seek... He called last night, asking me if I'm angry with him for missing my birthday. To be Honest, i don't expect him to celebrate with me or send me a gift.. I jus wished that he leave me a text message to wish me.. That's so much i asked for. But sadly he didn't... Well, I don't know.. For a guy to forget his gf birthday and yet remember his lady best friend birthday, tells alot to me...
Perhaps, i used too much of my brain to love... I should have slow down and allow my heart to think... Love have blinded me alot... I need time to sit down and think of my future goals and my future sake... If he is the one then be it...
I'm lookin @ urban Farming.. I hope i have enough money or enough energy to study agriculture.. tHough i will miss IT line.. But i still love the nature... I love the trees and love the energy of life....
Nature bring me close to peace and create peace in me.....
I maybe had fallen out of love and fallen in love with someone else... I don't know.. I'm lost..... I don't know... This love has casted a bad name in me.

closing of Year 22

Chapter 22nd has come to the end today.. As it time ticks closer to my 23rd year of life... looking back there were so many happiness hanging around... in yr 2009 age 22.. i met a group of great uni Classmates and mates... But @ the same time, i met him... And yet there are so many unhapiness revolving around him...
This chapter.. i learnt to love, to treasure, to open my heart and to understand life
This journey had brought me far... I had seen DH resign and come back... I get to know Bro neo betta and Bro phua.... and make a few close friendship with some of the Engineers...
Sch life was great!! Knowing Fay, XT, JY ,JAson and Linclon... And i had stepped out my boundary and learn to step up late.. take up sports and enjoy life.. with lots of smiles importantly, i learnt to be fearless to new things
So... Year 23 i hope to improve my career and move a step closer to fulfill my dreams...
Life is short.. But it is an endless of fun and joy.... Yr 22 was a great yr... Though with alot of up and downs... I feel blessed to have surround by so many great ppl... Inside my heart, I thank God for giving this love and blessing... Year 22 had taught me how to love and how to forgive.... Thank you god and everyone for the love... Family, friends and love ones.... I will cherish more and continue to bring smiles and laughter... IT will be a year of Freedom and craziness... and Improvement in this coming new year.....

Love or not?

I don't know.. I'm pretty confuse... He came and look for me on Sunday.. we spend 30 mins cuddling and hugging each other... Yes, we do kisss... he hug me close and told me that i belong to him... I jus feel so confuse... I dunno... I feel a distance from him and yet he tries to resist...
I know he is busy and i never expect much from him.. But what make me confuse is that i don't know what the crap hell he is going thru... i'm lost... IT seems that i'm in my rough patch...

Over?

I dunno I feel so lost and deep in thoughts now. There are so many things happening around me... I thought i was strong enough to solve all my problems, I thought I prepared to handle all the matters. But i was wrong. I committed a mistake and hell, I can't turn back anymore.. Not like Computer System UNDO!.. There isn't one... Man, I'm lost... it seems like i lost the main aim of life and the fire in me.. I feel like drifting... Not cleared of where i'm suppose to head and where to stop.. Love have blinded me.. Life had killed me softly and silently.. Feel like drifting and floating aimlessly... God! I need direction, i need my aim, i need my goals and i need my own dreams.

Good nite Baby!

He Msn Good Night Baby! I had not for so long seen him or feel him... I guess sometimes the space between the two of us is too huge. He works non-stop and jus keep going. Sometimes i find it so hard to accomdate his timing... But tis 4 weeks apart had helped me to handle my feeling better. I feel that both of us got our breathing space, we learned to trust each other.. well even though is like not even a proper talk, both of us is still doing good. Is this love doing us good? I just feel so empty inside me.... Life is not meaningless jus a journey.. Keep struggling to stay alive.. I feel so weak... Baby Baby good nitez.

Not again!

Pretty upset... D did it again... This time round he said that, for something he won't mind to lower his pride for it.... I knw and i gues he is hinting me... I'm lost. Totally lost.. Darned.. the best part is i dun even knw wat the CRAP MY SO CALL BF is tinkin ... i can't even get him... If it is going on for another 2 weeks then we are off... Offically OFF then... I'm damned tired and am veri disappointed and angry with him...

Let IT go ...

Yeah... I don't know.. Just feel so close yet so far. Time to let go? I got a feeling uncle and PAPAPA was hinting me about it. I guess perhaps it is a good idea somehow. It seems so silly. but after a good talk with my frenz i realize they were right. their encouragement to let it go gracefully and let everything to go thru the natural flow... this process of heart affairs do bleed alots.. but maybe as a learning process.. time will progress. life will renew and began with a good ending and a good start. maybe let fate decide my destiny. Time to let go.. Time to let go.. I see the sadness in his eyes. I knw what they are concluding.. I know i saw that sparkle in him... That's move my heart.. let go and take up a new challenge...

A self Struggle

I wish sometimes i'm clear of what i'm thinking instead of hesitating. Walking this path seems to be so stressful. I mean Yeah, work itself is so stressful and it is getting so unhappy with the workload. too much work i find it tough, too little work i find it boring. Where the hell am i heading? Jus feel like i had lost the fire in myself. I feel like I'm heading nowhere. Unlike the past, i will be like a big strong bull heading the direction that will scare everyone away. I feel like i'm so soft and weak. I jus hate to see myself in this manner. gosh oh gosh, where am i? In a world i don't think I can U turn anymore. I feel so tired and weak. I feel like dying. Is death an eternity to freedom? or perhaps it is time to reflect and see what's more can life offer?

one last chance

I have enough thought he understand. thought he knows. I think sometimes it is better to have a cooling period somehow. I'm kinda of tired of this kind of no activity life...
Time for me to look for new things... meet new people and enjoy new things..enjoy the things that nobody experience before...
This is my one last chance for him... No more.

meddlesome world

The last thing on your mind to KPO about is relationship.. What the HELL!!! Why so the BLoody KPO.. Think that everyone got the time to settle the problem. Yes, honesty gives u a good record.. But sometime being meddlesome makes the other people lifes miserable. simple to put you are not me, I'm not you. How will you know what the hell i'm thinking?!?!?!

So much more about being Friend.. Friend with a good purpose is considerable.. there rest! Need no Apply!!

Storms, Dreams wreck..

The more I think about it the more unhappy i become. I wonder, if life is that sickening, why i still carry on.. Look so much on stepping back.. ha! what a Joke.. What a stupid idea without knowing what's make a real me..
This is not acceptable. Since to me its seems to be an encouragement to break it off.. then make it real then. No point carry on something that eventually become very pointless to me.

Death and lives

Interestingly, Death seems to be a taboo of discussion. While some of us seek the Pleasure of life in terms of Wealth and material, but nobody seems to look beneath every material and wealth.
In every love birds tales: "Do death part us" but will this attachment of longing lives for the living one? Life is a beauty? I beg your pardon then.

Was reading a booklet on OLD age.. Which everyone avoided..
THe four Assurance which i think it is good to be pointed out:
- If there is no other world, and if good and bad deeds bear fruits, yield results, iti is possible that with the breakup of the body, after death, I shall arisen in a good destination in a heavenly world
- If there is no other world, and if good and bad deeds do not bear fruit and yield results, still right here, in this very life, i live happily, free of enmity and ill will.
- Suppose evil befalls the evil doer. Then, as i do not intend evil for anyone, how can suffering afflict me, one who does no evil deed?
- Suppose evil does not befall the evil-doer. then right here i see myself purified in both respects

Time is passing. Everything is changing, nothing is permanent. Life is a changing process. It is a constant flux of mental and physical energies.

Not a taboo.. But a word of wisdom

In consideration

Winner takes all. I wonder, is this what i really want. Letting go of something seems to be so difficult. I wonder.. Why we keep argue and argue.. Tired of it.. Guess what linclon told me makes sense.. IF argue non-stop for the same thing, then break off. no point cling on something that end up a misery for all of us.

Blessing

Sometimes i feel that i'm kinda lucky to have a group of brother who care for me. Like Bro neo He drop by to say hi, bro Darren call me and ask and tok rubbish... Sometimes being with them is like a little escape.. Esp Bro Darren, he always knows when i'm in bad mood and he will make me laugh with his joke.. Having a group of friends who show support along the way do matters alot.. I don't get lonely afterall, with them I'm feeling blessed.

Fire?!?

"When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?" <-- my Friend Wrote
"it a sign of Ageing?? Wonder Where is the bright fire that burns in me back then have gone... Lost that fighting spirit and lost that direction... that spirit lost it touch to reality and have become my fear." <-- my reply
The fire had gone. Coldness had surround me. I lost that will of power to work on my goals.. and I had lost my sense of direction. Gosh where are all the dreams that i had? where are all the beautiful beginning i built and dream of??

No No, This cannot be last for too long! Time to burn my desire and my passion.. The fire will burn and as bright as it used to be.. This is not fate, This is my Destiny!

Discussion in life

"How much freedom will you give your boyfriend" Linclon asked. There is no amount of freedom to set someone free. When in love, freedom is tied to each other.. Look @ me, I had given the freedom yet what i get in return ? Insecurity, future looks so bleak.. Tell me, did i make the wrong decision or should i get someone who has the same attitude and the same thinkin as i'm?
"dump him if he don't understand" said KSH.. I was surprise the Linclon totally agree to this statement. I think back, he had given me lots of the freedom and personal space. and i don't make time for him... But then i can't let go of my future. Fool I could say I'm Yes a big fool. But life oh life, tell me which is the right choice?!?! or should i explore more than i had done?!?!

A new life? or more a Threat!!

I feel that i'm giving more time to my friend then to him. I don't understand why he can't sms me back.
Forget it... Sometimes, i find it confusing ... one min he wan me to do this, the next minutes he is doin sth else.
I jus wonder How long can this last.

Cried

I thought that life is simple, by hiding and masking. I thought life is something I could live without. I cried. I cried for my heart. My heart bleeds. My love bleeds. I asked myself am I in the wrong? I asked myself, why i resist. I asked myself, Why i live,, I'm lost.. I'm a good actress.. Pretending nothing happens, pretending i can take it.. Now i know I'm afterall a weak little girl.. I will survive i know i will....

Stress =(

Broken String
Let me hold you
For the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me
Now I can't feel anything

When I love you
It's so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking
It's the voice of someone else

Oh it tears me up
I tried to hold but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that aint real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
I can't like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before

Oh what are we doing
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When it's too late

Oh it tears me up
I tried to hold but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that aint real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
I can't like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before

But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that aint real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
I can't like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before
Oh and I love you a little less than before

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last change to feel again

Can i love him a little less than before? I'm truely aware of my surrounding. To be honest, hanging around my uni mates was definitely a happy moments for me. But part of my minds seems to wonder somewhere. I knw, I shldn't be so concern about my relationship, perhaps come what may. But it just a hope that the right one do come along, It just a hope for me to find the right one.. I don't not wish to be hesitate so much about it... I mean choices are mine. With a few of them now, i feel the stress.. I wish to reject but i simply don't wish to hurt anyone. It just a time for me to ponder. I hate guys who are wishy washy... I'm sure. I'm lost. Tired and lost. Exam Blues.. Gotta work Hard more than ever.

Simple Thoughts

Dogs do have have their little hapiness too.. They forge their friendship in their own ways and uses their instinct to play and live. But why Can't human?? we always choose to live by the rules of what people set and what people things. Simple things do comes from our heart...

IRONY...

sometimes it is betta to led a simple life.. but then sometimes it is betta to be ambitious. But either way, troubles are everywhere... I realise, all the wonderful talks and thoughts of dreams seems to be so far fetched. Leaving with grace and remembrance, doesn't comes with a value but rather a memory. Memory of the past on things we shared, the life we fight for. Why bother to fight for something that is far beyond our reach. But then if we don't bother to fight will we manage to see our potential and our worthiness in life then? IRONY oh IRONY!! So how shld life be continued if things just got so messy?? all the misses and mis-match.... when they come to an end? Simple life, where have you gone??

Chiang Wee's Words

I was waken by This "Society Sucks u in Easily"
I finally Understand, I need not have to change to suit the Environment, i need to be myself, be my own old me..
Enough of chasing all the realistics dreams. Afterall, "You are Born with nothing on your back, you leave with nothing on your back."
So much of my Expectation.. Perhaps, i should lower it and make it within my means. Instead of chasing a dream, why not working on something within my means. It is Goods to have a goal, But it must be realistics...

Chiang Wee had woke me up from my real dream. It is real dream afterall, awake, find my rock and find my own path within my expectation and within my means....

iNSULTED

I felt so insulted.. The more i think about it, the more Pissed off I'm .. Honestly, Why Bother to look down! why bother to talk so big... Who are you in position to talk all the rubbish whereas no differences of action and output is done... If so smart then prove to me then.. Just don't let me see them eating their own words..
I'm goin to work hard and prove my worth and make them beg me instead! I'm going to make it!!!!!

Dual Side

I don't know after our mini quarral, we did feel like being apart more than ever. To put it short, I feel that Distance apart more than ever. Perhaps, it is a good start, afterall, it is easier for to say good bye without any heart break issue or depresssion. Well phase 1 is done. Now is phase 2.... If someone ever asked me do i like him. Yes I did. I like the way he loves me. But more than EVer, I don't tink so... He is less possive and less sticky to me.. The freedom and space he had given seems to be a perks for me to exeutes my plan... Then shall be it... I realize I don't really like his family, Very materialistics and perhaps just a show to me.. Anyway, I shadn't be bother...

objective of Dating

I dunno What I have done. I tried to spilt up with him last night... All i could see that he just don't accept it. I had thought thru... I don't have time for him.. it is not fair for him to wait and wait or even to accomdate my schedule or do so much just to please me... I mean he has his own rights in his own life and is not bind to my life. Why shld I make him suffer? Yet... I made him shed tears.. A man will not shed tears becos of this... Perhaps, he had loved too much ... and i had only given too little...

Dear Life

Just find that life is kinda of fragile. This morning just recieved an sms about a friend's father passing. I wondered, life so short, yet was it a fulfulling one? While we struggle to keep a roof, a decent meal and a decent warmth have we began to nelegect the fundamentals of living? And the cycle just began to rotate.. without and return or even a break... It is sad. But is also a freedom. A freedom from the troubled world, but the tears and sadness will just lingers on. Cherish is the key in life. It is an advanture to step out of the comfort zone and tries to live life as complete as possible.

Was it possible? to be happy in all aspect of life? was it possible to be free and yet be alive in this world.


I ytd went out with him. Our time spent was now getting shorter.. Every min we spent together was a gift in life. I may not know what the future lies. But i will cherish him. Because nobody will love me as much as he does. Nobody will protect me and hold me close as he does... A couple of time he said "if we are married"... i wonder, will i ever live till that day?

2nd tot?

I thought life was perfect in all aspect... Perhaps it is just an imaginary boundary an illusion of vision. Even just moving a step seems to be a killer to be now. I did have a good thought… A very serious thought! I realized I did not and have not accepted the r/s as a whole. I could feel the distant now. When he told me he needs me, I wonder what he wants and not yes I will be there… I need time to iron out my thoughts my feeling… who is he to me, and who am I to him.. the longings become lesser now. And I do entertain the thoughts of encouraging him to go for someone else… And I’m pretty sure he will be happier… with our busy life and commitment, will it better for us to be apart??

Done with it?

This relationship is getting more crazy. Well yeah, due to our busy working life, we start to spend less time with each other. In fact, we only manage to see each other a few hours every week. To me, it is some kind of test. Can't believe that i actually do miss him alot... but I know i can cope it very well.
He mention to me that. we are going for our 4th month.. and jus hold me so tight and close. Sometimes, i feel good to have him around, but sometimes... I don't know... just feel that there is alot of things for me that had been left undone.. Done or not we shall see...high up the Flyer, May I fly!

自己

Peace in life, freedom at heart. That's define the essence of life. A man who lives till the age of dying, came to the sense that, perhaps, wonders and questions of the past, tomorrow, and the present. Every decision he made in the past seems to be a reflection of what he is today.

Is the a self- regret or a sign of goodbye to the people around?

Affordance?

I don't need a boyfriend to pay for everything. But I don't expect myself to pay for the meals all the time. The Difference between Cash and Cards is a big deal to me. How could a man wallet do not any cash. NOT EVEN 20- 30 BUCKS?? And always only offer to a certain limit.. except everything to be served incl payment?? For god sake, I realise most rich man son really cannot make it!!

I give up.. I hate MCP guys.. I think this is insane. The differences is huge.. the social class is a big huge gap. Perhaps i shld be more firm than before.. I need to move on. I hate and dislike this kind of life...

L.O.V.E

I think i have already fallen in love with him.. and the love for him is unbearable.. I feel so lost and longing for him esp if i don't get his sms or a phone call. The urge of hearing his voice really makes me felt that he has alrdy step into my world. But i knw only part of my world will be a release to him.. I mus somehow hold back a little... the future is uncertain, but i shall cherish whatever is in front of me.
The time we spend on 14th Feb had been a milestone for this relationship. well, we are closer than before.

Make or break?

I'm wondering... I don't think i can extend the resistance of him wanting a kiss from me... To be honest, what am i suppose to do? Each day he tries hard to give me a one but i jus turn away.. My close and guarded world maybe some how unfair to him.. Yeah ppl say, age has no barrier. But i do believe what they feel and whay they say are totally opposite. I don't want him to leave me with all the unhappiness. I want him to leave me with all the happiness. As he had been freed. Free from all his trouble all his depressed issue...

As for me, I know my love for him will be limited. Because i know there will be obstacle and hurdles.. my mom wants me to cherish him.. But how can i cherish him without knowing what i want from him... with him, I'm secured, protected from everything. I guess that's the reason i loved him deep down inside me, i know i do...

Decision

Being with him.. Yeah a couple of arguement and in out issue.. But hey.. Nv did i realise we do improve alot.. MEaning.. I manage to control my temper alot. and also tend to flirt less and become more quiet and less crazy..
Whereas him, get to plan and be more communicative.. Well, being in a relationship did change our lifestyle and attitude alot.. A little love do makes a big big different... Well, future is like so super far.. Yet the way he loved me become closer and closer... Perhaps i had fallen with him.. but not to the extent of his love... That's my hold back- the security i need...

Reflection

I give it a big fat thought. Perhaps, I had regretted my decision and I had regretted it badly... I want to let go.. I seriously Want to let go. I find it hard to maintain the type of life I want and the expectation I have. This is not What I want.
I don't want to hold back anymore. I would rather be the one suffering the pain and the regret.. Afterall, It is jus another failed relationship that i can't sustain.. Waiting is not the issue. But the ego.. I'm afterall, In love with the ego.. My pride and ego are at stake in this game of relationship.
I can't honor my words. And I can't hide anymore..... I'm Sorry to regret my decision. My love is real, my heart will stay true.. but my life, my pride is too much and too expensive and too demanding for you. I'm sorry, Johan, Time for me to reconsider my decision and my choice...........

Tied Down

It's Chinese new year eve, And i got to pick up his call non-stop... He will just call and ask me where I am.... I mean I'm alright for certain call. But then like 4-5calls per day... I mean i need to do my work and have some time for myself. Feel so tied down.. Having boyfriend, sometime is really very tiring ....

2 months

Today mark the 2nd month of our relationship. I had tried to excuse myself from going out with him today. Though very much of him wanted me to go out with him. Thinking back, I do wonder, if i had not accepted him, will I be much happier or the existence of freedom will be greater then now.
Will things change as much as it suppose to be? I don't want to stop or just remain stagnant. Being with him, there is security but lots of uncertainties. I want to be out of the uncertainies.. and be a happy person. I'm tired. and I need a break from everything. Perhaps I need to change my mindset and change my attitude a little. Will We make it? or perhaps will i make it?

特別的愛給特別的你

特別的愛給特別的你
作詞：陳家麗　作曲：伍思凱

沒有承諾　卻被你抓得更緊
沒有了你　我的世界雨下個不停
我付出一生的時間　想要忘記你
但是回憶　回憶　回憶
從我心裡　跳出來　擁抱你

特別的愛　給特別的你
我的寂寞　逃不過你的眼睛
特別的愛　給特別的你
你讓我越來越不相信自己

我還聽見　你的聲音
輕輕縈繞著我的心
我還不能　接受分離
就是永遠不能在一起

this song remind me my childhood. I loved this song.
特別的愛　給特別的你
我的寂寞　逃不過你的眼睛
特別的愛　給特別的你
你讓我越來越不相信自己
This life was special before i'm in love and when out of love. The choice for freedom and love had torn me. But now, All i know to let go of everything and choose to go for freedom. Love is in the heart. Should we be fated again, we will meet again. I feel so sorry for him.. For he had showered me all the love that Every girl dream for. For he had given me all the freedom, every independent woman would like to have. For he allow me to spread my wings without wanting me to slow down.. giving me the rights for me to make my own decision.
I will let him go. after he settle down and find his strenght and dreams. Then i have completed my mission and my duty for him. For i will leave him in good hands of someone else.
Love is blind. But i don't want any regrets for any of us.