Thursday, September 30, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Missing him...
this blog has been abandoned for quite some time..there's alot on my mind these days that i feel i really need to express myself. i dont think anyone is still reading this blog, but i also dont really wish for anyone to read it. i know that he wont be reading this..
everyone tell me i should forget him. many people also go through this, this is not the worst. i know that but so what? i still cannot accept it. my heart cannot forget him, or rather dont want to. i cannot let go. i know i should live my own life. but i still miss him so much. have been trying to keep myself occupied, going out almost everyday this week so that i wont think so much. make myself mentally and physically tired and i thought i would be better. but everytime i think that i can do it, i get pushed back down into the pit again. no matter how i keep myself occupied, the silence of the night will still make me think of him all over again. i've not cried for days, but right now i'm missing him terribly. wondering where he is, if he's back home yet. wondering what he has been doing, if he went out and with who. wonder if he gave thought to what i said, if he thought of me or missed me for even a moment etc etc... feel so pathetic.
felt better after i met him to pass him the letter on tuesday. wished i could have told him everything in person though. he said he was busy with work now but promised to give it thought. and so i'm hoping...hoping that he will not close his heart to me yet. i really wanted us to have another chance, even just to try going out as friends again. ending the relationship in this way is just so wrong. i really regret we didnt learn to communicate better. but i really wished we could have a chance to correct that. he didnt give us a chance, didnt talk to me about it and just dropped a bomb suddenly saying feelings have faded. has it really faded so drastically such that he could let go of our 3.5+ yrs relationship just like that? is work and new friends so much more important? do i no longer mean anything to him? i cannot believe that the love is lost after 2-3 months. really sad and disappointed that he didnt even talk to me face to face, didnt even ask me how i feel. he said he's scared i will get hurt if we were to continue. but what about what i think? i'm already hurt now. i really wish we could have sat down to talk about what is the problem, if communication is a problem then put in effort to try and decide TOGETHER if we should continue. not just give up like that, based on his sole decision. what do i mean to him? what does this relationship mean to him? does it really mean nothing to him now? i really hope we could at least go out again.
he means so much to me. he has already become an important part of my life, of me. some people tell me i should never like the guy more than he likes me, that i shouldnt let myself fall in too deeply. but what is love if you dont give your whole heart? i dont understand how to love partially. i tried at the beginning not to let myself fall in too deeply cos i was scared of getting hurt. i pushed him away when he keep wanting to get close. but that did not work. i still fell in in the end. i may be silly but after all this, i still love him. though to him my absence may not affect him much, he can still go on with life as normal and happily. i may be thinking of him all the time but he may never think of me at all. and this is what makes me very sad. i really wish he would not choose to give up on us so easily. if we could at least put in an effort to try again and it really does not work out, at least i can tell myself we have tried but we're just not meant to be. at least i wont have any more regrets. but right now, this will be a big regret in my life, a big question mark, thinking about all the 'what if'.
i miss him... i love him... i need to be strong, but i really hope this is not the end yet..
everyone tell me i should forget him. many people also go through this, this is not the worst. i know that but so what? i still cannot accept it. my heart cannot forget him, or rather dont want to. i cannot let go. i know i should live my own life. but i still miss him so much. have been trying to keep myself occupied, going out almost everyday this week so that i wont think so much. make myself mentally and physically tired and i thought i would be better. but everytime i think that i can do it, i get pushed back down into the pit again. no matter how i keep myself occupied, the silence of the night will still make me think of him all over again. i've not cried for days, but right now i'm missing him terribly. wondering where he is, if he's back home yet. wondering what he has been doing, if he went out and with who. wonder if he gave thought to what i said, if he thought of me or missed me for even a moment etc etc... feel so pathetic.
felt better after i met him to pass him the letter on tuesday. wished i could have told him everything in person though. he said he was busy with work now but promised to give it thought. and so i'm hoping...hoping that he will not close his heart to me yet. i really wanted us to have another chance, even just to try going out as friends again. ending the relationship in this way is just so wrong. i really regret we didnt learn to communicate better. but i really wished we could have a chance to correct that. he didnt give us a chance, didnt talk to me about it and just dropped a bomb suddenly saying feelings have faded. has it really faded so drastically such that he could let go of our 3.5+ yrs relationship just like that? is work and new friends so much more important? do i no longer mean anything to him? i cannot believe that the love is lost after 2-3 months. really sad and disappointed that he didnt even talk to me face to face, didnt even ask me how i feel. he said he's scared i will get hurt if we were to continue. but what about what i think? i'm already hurt now. i really wish we could have sat down to talk about what is the problem, if communication is a problem then put in effort to try and decide TOGETHER if we should continue. not just give up like that, based on his sole decision. what do i mean to him? what does this relationship mean to him? does it really mean nothing to him now? i really hope we could at least go out again.
he means so much to me. he has already become an important part of my life, of me. some people tell me i should never like the guy more than he likes me, that i shouldnt let myself fall in too deeply. but what is love if you dont give your whole heart? i dont understand how to love partially. i tried at the beginning not to let myself fall in too deeply cos i was scared of getting hurt. i pushed him away when he keep wanting to get close. but that did not work. i still fell in in the end. i may be silly but after all this, i still love him. though to him my absence may not affect him much, he can still go on with life as normal and happily. i may be thinking of him all the time but he may never think of me at all. and this is what makes me very sad. i really wish he would not choose to give up on us so easily. if we could at least put in an effort to try again and it really does not work out, at least i can tell myself we have tried but we're just not meant to be. at least i wont have any more regrets. but right now, this will be a big regret in my life, a big question mark, thinking about all the 'what if'.
i miss him... i love him... i need to be strong, but i really hope this is not the end yet..
Monday, January 18, 2010
17012010
finally completed my small mission today and gave it to him. it was long overdue but i really put in effort. but he didnt seem to have any reaction when i gave it to him. wonder if he feels gan dong or if he appreciate my present. maybe i watch too many dramas so i always expect a bigger reaction. i always seem to enjoy more making the present and anticipating the receiver's reaction but most of the time i'll be disappointed. haha.. i really like making things though, it takes my stress away. but i need more creative ideas!