Big Feet and the Battle for Beauty

I learned to hate my body at a young age. It probably started the day I watched Cinderella place her dainty feet in those glass slippers and realized I could never be a princess. I could easily sympathize with the ugly, loudmouthed stepsisters because I had big feet too. Those beautiful glass shoes were too big for me to fill...or too small, as the case may be. After all, they don't make glass slippers in the men's shoe department, which is where I have to shop.
Along with my big feet, I was chubby and had frizzy curls I could not control. I looked around and I noticed. The noticing might not have been a problem, except that comparison quickly followed as I learned that straight hair and small feet were "in," along with anyone who could be described by the adjectives tall, lithe, tan, and thin. I was none of those, so I must be "out."  In junior high and high school, I went through the "I am not, therefore I must become" stage that some women never leave. I took up running and nearly starved myself dieted to lose the chub. I dabbled in beauty products and shades of eye shadow, hoping to become someone I was not. As I tried to morph myself into the "in girl," a funny thing happened. No matter how hard I tried, I still was not tall, lithe, tan, or thin. My feet certainly had not shrunk. I could make my hair straight, but that project required the sacrifice of an hour I was not willing to give up because, well, "they" say you need your beauty's sleep too. I was no longer chubby, but I was still not Barbie--and I was not the "in girl" either. You know, the girl who gets noticed. I will be the first to admit that I am a slow learner, and this particular lesson has taken me many, many years to learn. There are some lessons, though, that I hope I never stop learning, and this is one of them:  I am most powerful and effective when I am me.  It has taken years of heartache, but I have finally accepted that I will never be a good you. We women spend too much time living in comparison. We are observant...we notice the beautiful. By itself, this innate gift is a blessing. But when we allow ourselves to "stack up the competition," so to speak, we get into trouble. We abandon the pursuit of growth in pursuit of imitation.  I am calling for a rebellion, a linking of arms against the pursuit of imitation. Can we women just agree to boycott comparison? To acknowledge the mountains other women are climbing without diminishing our own? Can we seek out beauty that goes beyond small feet, straight hair, and a body that will not survive the rigors of aging? I will take up this banner and carry it proudly. Right now, that means I am going to climb a mountain that is new for me. I'm going to slip my big feet in some big 'ole running shoes and complete a marathon. Notice I did not say "run"--because I might walk some and that's okay. My goal is to finish. I mentioned that I have tried to become a runner in the past. I can't tell you how many times I have quit in discouragement as I have failed to achieve a certain time or complete a particular race someone else has championed. Then I realized I can just be me. I may not be able to run with the Olympians, or even YOU, but that doesn't mean I can't run. I am abandoning imitation in the pursuit of growth. What is it for you? What mountain have you given up climbing because it is not someone else's Everest? Maybe today is the day to strap on your hiking boots and start climbing--because you will never be me, but you are a pretty darn good you. And maybe that mountain in front of you will allow you to become an even better you. A stronger, wiser, more compassionate, more vibrant you.  THAT girl is beautiful...big feet, frizzy hair, and all.

Choosing to Trust

This week has been hard. One of asking God over and over, "Reveal yourself to me! Move my heart in response to your Word!" and hearing in response only...silence. I went into the week asking God to give me a word of encouragement to share in this space, and yet each day I was greeted with the same...silence.  
Last night God finally (in his timing) spoke over my heart, but it was not what I expected to hear. Not what I wanted to hear either. But it was good, and right, and I believe it is what He wants me to share here. 
Do you ever struggle to trust people with your heart? Oh man, do I have a hard time with this. I'm sure I haven't always had trouble trusting. But past hurts have a way of scarring, don't they? A bruise turns into a scar, and every time another punch is landed, the scar deepens...until your heart is under a vault, and the key buried even deeper.
Can you bring to mind those people whom you have trusted with your heart, those people you have asked to hold and protect it...people who have betrayed your trust by smashing your heart into a thousand pieces? Can you name someone who has made you never want to trust again? 
It hurts, doesn't it? On behalf of those people, I am SO sorry. They wronged you. They WRONGED you. I believe God weeps over those wrongs, over the words and actions and hurtful situations that caused you to build another layer of the wall around your heart.
It may not seem like it here, because writing on this screen in some way feels safe, but I am a stalwart wall. I rarely let people in, mostly because I have in the past and they have wrecked me. I don't want to trust anymore. I don't want to ask for help. I don't want to need. 
And yet, God whispered over my heart last night..."Abigail, it is in the needing that you are made whole." 
Oh, the pain of that statement. Of believing it to be true. Because knocking down the wall? Ripping away the scar tissue? It hurts. It hurts to trust when you have been let down. 
But it hurts more not to trust. 
It hurts more not to trust...because you miss out on the beauty of deep community. Of knowing and being known in a way only God could design and ordain. And that's why, time and time again...no matter how many times my heart is shattered or broken or abandoned...I will trust.  Because it is in the trusting that I am made whole. And people? They are just people...sinful, broken people. They are not God. 
I don't know how, but today I am going to choose to trust. To take off a layer of the brick wall around my heart. I am going to trust that the very God who created my inmost being will guard it when others can't. It is hard, but I am going to fight for it. Will you?

Where is the Justice?

This morning, I cheerfully waltzed stumbled into work and was greeted by a coworker in tears. 
A little over a year ago, her son tragically passed away. Since then, she has connected with a group of mothers also grieving the loss of a child. 
Her tears were on behalf of one of these dear friends who was bravely facing the one year anniversary of her son's death when the unthinkable happened...She found herself grieving the loss of her other son to a horrible car accident. 
Two sons...gone from this world...exactly one year apart. 
I couldn't help but silently weep with my coworker as she mourned for her friend. 
Where is the justice? 
As a follower of Jesus, I know the end of the story. I have hope that all the pain, and despair, and brokenness marring this world will one day be redeemed.
But sometimes I think it is appropriate to sit in the ashes of this yuck, the mess that sin has caused.  To weep with those who weep.  To scream with those who cry out for answers. 
To say "WHERE IS THE JUSTICE???" to the very God who has all the answers and is bringing redemption to the brokenness.
I think it is okay, and I think it is right. I imagine Jesus sitting outside the tomb of Lazarus, weeping... even though He knew the end of the story. 
To mourn over the pain birthed by sin...I think this is a right response, especially when that pain becomes personal and starts messing with those you love. 
So tonight? I'm rejoicing that it is Friday (and that means the weekend! Hip hip hooray!), but I am also mourning. I am hating sin, despising Satan's attempts to throw people into despair, and I am cursing death.

Changes

I believe that part of my passion/calling/spiritual gifting is encouraging others. I have been thinking and praying a lot about how I can best use this blogging space to do just that...to spur others on in this journey of life.    What draws you to a blog? I have realized that the blogs I follow religiously and truly look forward to reading are those that dive into *real life* and give me a glimpse into a *real person's* struggles, joys, and passions. I want to author a blog like that...I want to write from my heart, to share what my *real, dirty, unedited life* looks like.
I don't know exactly what that new blog will look like or when it will unfold, but it is on the horizon. It is easy to look at someone's little piece of the internet and think, "Gosh, what a perfect life." I don't want that. I want others to read what I write and come away thinking, "Thank goodness there is someone else on this planet who struggles with that! Maybe we can learn how to grow together!"
Part of the process of deciphering what my new blog will look like is examining my heart and narrowing down the message(s) I want to share. A few things that I know I am passionate about are: Beauty...and the battle many women fight to feel beautiful Single living The grief journey...what it looks like to grieve after losing a loved one Kids! Especially those who are vulnerable and alone. Nursing.
I'm not sure if I have many readers still out there, but if you are, what kinds of things do you want to read about?

When your soul is bone-tired...

..."Tell me 10 things you're thankful for" Today I am weary. Not the kind that can be cured with a nap, but the kind that leaves your heart feeling like it is running a marathon. I wish I could explain why, or what sort of marathon I have been metaphorically running, but I don't really even know or understand myself. I'm just tired...drained...empty.
When I was younger, one of my bestest friends in the world, who also happens to be my wise older sister, would always pull me out of a funk (i.e. miserable pity party) by requiring me to do "thankfuls" with her. She would say, "Tell me 10 things you are thankful for." Nothing like being grateful to remind you that life is not all about you pull you out of a funk. Did I mention that she is wise?   My thankfuls for tonight: 1. A picnic at the park with a friend 2. Surviving kids' church this morning...thank you Jesus for wisdom and flexibility! Two essentials when you are dealing with 12 preteen boys. Ha! 3. Iced coffee. Um, yes please! 4. Baby snuggles with the sweetest, most laid back baby I have ever met. For reals. 5. A beautiful day yesterday...building a pond for a sweet lady and her family. Boom! 6. House M.D. Be still my sarcasm/bloodgutsgore/mysteriousdisease-loving heart. 7.  A robin's nest with new life cooking...right outside my bathroom window. 8. Windows. Seriously...spring would not be the same without them. 9.  Rollerblading at sunset...what I am about to do = ) 10. His mercy...which is new every morning. Amen and amen.  

An Open Letter to All the Single Ladies

Source

Dear Single Women, Tonight I threw my windows wide open, picked a new recipe to try, and blasted John Mayer as I filled my kitchen with delectable odors. While I prepared sustenance to feed others, I fed my spirit and thanked Jesus for this stage of my life.
You see, I am not always thankful for these single years. Maybe you aren't either. Believe me, I get it. But sometimes I think we are way to quick to wish away this season of life. You see, there is a freedom unique to single life. Freedom to love hard and big on other people, freedom to spend your time serving and encouraging, freedom to pursue your passions without having to take another person into account. 
I watch so many of you hate this time of life and beg for it to end. I've been there myself. It can be hard when everyone around you is dating, getting married, having babies, and seemingly finding the "spark" of life that is always just out of reach for you. But I wonder...what will we miss if we choose to dwell on what is not instead of focusing on the shower of grace and joy right in front of us? 
Tomorrow, I will:  meet some girls from my small group for coffee  love on some precious kids (not because I have to, but just because I can)  cook and deliver meals to various families facing various trials enjoy the beautiful sunshine while going for an afternoon run spend the evening with my mom and brother. 
No, I don't have a significant other to call or text or hang out with, but tomorrow, I will choose to be okay with that. After all, how many of the above things would I be able to do if I was also juggling all that is involved in caring for a husband and family? I am finding the joy in this season of freedom God has me in right now. 
To all you single women in the same season, I say this: I get it. I know the heartache of feeling alone in singleness, the never-ending dread of those awkward "third wheel" moments, the longing to be known deeply and intimately. I also know that God has given me a unique opportunity to shower His love and encouragement on many people as I cook them meals, send them encouraging texts, take care of their kids, or visit at the drop of a hat when a hug is needed...things I will not always have the freedom to do. One day when I am, Lord willing, married with kids, I hope to look back on this season of singleness and know that I filled these days to the brim with love and passion and encouraging others. 
What about you? Are you choosing to find joy and purpose in this season of singleness, or are you too busy wishing it away? I hope you will choose to revel in the freedom instead of sulking over what is not. Don't let the joy pass you by!
 Love,

Jesus wants His daughters to be powerful

This month, my small group has been discussing spiritual gifts. After our discussion last night, I left with one major conclusion: Jesus wants His daughters to be powerful. 
As we went around the circle, talking about what spiritual gifts each of us has been given, I noticed that we women have unique gifts the world needs.  We are passionate.  We are encouragers.  We are nurturers.  We are emotional.  We are merciful.  And I believe He wants us to be powerful.
Satan would like nothing more than for us to be insecure and lazy. And that's what our culture has allowed us to become, hasn't it?  We are told that our worth and effectiveness is bound up in our physical beauty.  We are told that we are only as good as the men by our sides.  Risking criticism, I might even add that some women are told by the church that they are not allowed to be effective in the gifts God has given them...simply because they are women.  Satan certainly doesn't want powerful women in this world--because He knows what God can use powerful women to do.
Are you living the powerful life God intends for you to live as His daughter? Last week I was reading Proverbs 31. As I was sifting through this passage, I compiled a list on my phone of what a noble woman looks like, according to Proverbs 31. This is what I came up with:

There is a lot of controversy in the church about what a woman's role is, both in the church and at home. I won't delve into that here, but...WOW. In my mind, the above list adds up to a powerhouse of a woman. Imagine if every one of God's daughters were empowered to love Him and serve Him in the ways listed above. Imagine if every Christ-following woman made it her mission in life to serve Jesus with power using the gifts He has given her. What kind of world would we live in?!