Rough Start

Wow!!!  We've had a bit of a rough start to 2013, BUT, we aren't gonna let it get us down!

We were at the Emergency Room almost all day long yesterday!!  Blaises' ankle was still really swollen, and he couldn't put any weight on it, so we thought he should maybe get an x-ray.  We went to THREE different Dr's and urgent cares, just to end up at the Emergency room.  What a pathetic health care system we have!!!

Anyway, he has a severe sprain, and has to stay away from sports for 4 weeks.  We will see if he can do that!

THEN, this morning BOTH boys woke up SUPER SUPER sick!!  Poor guys!  They have been asleep all day long.  So little miss and I took down Christmas decor, cleaned out the art dresser, made some bread, and took care of our boys!

I'm hoping everyone is feeling better REAL soon, and no one else gets it!

Jason and I also started a few projects around the house that I'm SUPER excited about!!!

It's a New Year.

2013!  There is always something exciting about the start of a New Year.  It's full of promises and hope.  It's a fresh start to make things happen!  That's the key,.............to MAKE things happen!

I am determined to MAKE this year, MY year!!

I always have a long list of things I want to work on, and I fizzle out!  So last year, I did monthly goals, and I'm not sure if it really worked any better, but I am telling myself that it did!

This year I made one big goal.  I want to be in the best shape/health of my life by my 35th birthday.  I never feel well.  I'm always tired exhausted, never have any energy, don't feel well, in pain, can't sleep, la la la,.........I know I have some health issues, but I can't help but think that if I tried harder to be healthy, then I would HAVE to feel better too!  My goal isn't to lose weight or to look like a hot mama, (although that would be nice!) my goal is to FEEL like a hot mama!!

My word of the year is

LIVE

I want to really start living and enjoying my life.  I am too careful, too reserved, I catch myself waiting, and putting things off.  This year, I want to go for it.  To live in the moment, to live each day to the fullest, to be happy and excited about life!  When our daughter was stillborn, I promised her that I would live my life so that when I met her again in Heaven, I would have so much to share with her and to teach her.   I want to share with her all the love and excitement that this life has to offer.  She deserves it, my kids deserve it, and I deserve it!

Another thing I want to start doing again, is to journal our life more regularly again.  I miss so much being able to go back and read and see pictures of our life.  The good, the bad, the happy and the crazy.  I feel it's a very important duty to record this for us.

So let's begin.   Today is the first day of the year!!!  Happy New Year.  We all slept in today, because we were up LATE last night!  Avery and I made some banana bread this morning, and we started taking down Christmas.  Jason took the kids to the skate park to ride around on their new scooters.  When they came home, they carried Blaise in.  He fell and hurt himself.  His ankle is pretty swollen.  I'm pretty sure he sprained it something good.  So we iced it, gave him some Tylenol, and we all took a nap!

I am excited about this New Year!  We live a good life, it's time for me to enjoy it!

SNOW

This winter has been so good to me. I think we all know that I am not a HUGE fan of the snow. I love it in December, but other than that, it can stay on the mountain and leave the valley alone.

This year it has actually done just that. We have only had to shovel the driveway two times this winter.

But as much as I'm loving it, the rest of the family is not too happy about it. Jason is a skiier, and wants to ski. And the kids are dying to get up there and ski too. They have been up a few times, but of course, it's not enough. And everytime it starts to snow they start BEGGING, "can we go sledding!!??" But it hasn't really even snowed enough to do that.

But one Sunday afternoon we decided to take them sledding before it melted.

The kids got a little daring out there.

The boys decided to surf instead of sled, and Avery wanted in on the action so she decided to go down the hill no hands.







I'm hoping that the winter stays mild for me, and not decide to dump on us in March or April. I want a spring!!

Feelings

It has been 8 months.

I should have an almost 5 month old baby girl screaming at me while I try to type this.

My days have gotten easier. My nights are still long.

I am happy and joyful again. I smile when I think of Aria, instead of cry.

I love more than I have before, but I ache more than I ever have before too.

I feel.

I let myself feel.

When I'm happy, I embrace it. When I miss her, I cry. When my kids are being goofy, I laugh. When my hubby tells me I'm beautiful, I melt.

I'm at a good place.

I am honestly surprised that I can say that, with honesty.

Sure, I still have my hard moments and my rough days, but my good is far more.

I CHOSE to be happy.

I DECIDED that I wanted to be happier than I wanted to be sad.

I PICKED living life!!

Plan B Thanksgiving

I've said it before, my life never goes according to plan.  As hard as I try, and as much as I hope, I usually have to resort to plan B!!

Thanksgiving was the same this year!

We were supposed to be in Las Vegas for Thanksgiving.  Blaise has a soccer tournament down there, and we were going to all go, and eat at one of the fancy buffets and spend time with our "soccer family."

BUT,..........

Money is tight right now.  Jason has work,  but not good paying jobs.  Christmas is coming up, and it was really stressing us out trying to figure out how to stretch our money.  We talked with some of the other parents on the team and they were feeling the same way as us.  So a few days before the trip, some of the Dads decided to make it a boys trip, and save some money.  They all carpooled down, and shared a hotel, and it saved everyone a few precious pennies!

So the littles and I decided to stay and hang out here, and Blaise and Jason were going to go with us to my Sister's house for our Thanksgiving feast, then leave to head out to Vegas that night.

BUT,.......

My sister called the morning of Thanksgiving and said she was going to have to cancel because everyone in her house was sick.

So I called my parents, who were supposed to meet at m  y sister's also, and invited them to my house, and sent Jason down to find a Turkey and all the fixins.  I thought we could pull off a last minute Turkey feast, and we almost did.

BUT,..........

The turkey took WAY longer to cook than it was supposed to.  By like 3 hours.  My oven doesn't work well!  So we ate all the fixins and Jason whipped up some bacon wrapped steaks, and we called it good.  I dropped Blaise and Jason off at their meeting location to head to Vegas, and the littles and I had an entire Turkey to feast on for the rest of the weekend as we decorated for Christmas.

With all the last minute craziness I didn't get many pictures. This is actually the only one I got.  Ava and Bapa waiting for food.  Avery and I made her whole ensemble.  Super cute if I do say so myself!

 Blaise and Jason had a great time on the soccer trip.  Blaise played well and the team won some and lost some, but that is how it goes every time we play in Vegas.  I took Ava and Caiden to see a movie, and we had fun getting in the Christmas spirit and eating turkey leftovers!

Sometimes I feel like I am not a good mom.

Don't we all feel like that sometimes?

There is never enough time in the day to do all the things that we want to do with our kids, and we let the guilt take away the rest of the time.

When I'm having a rough day, which seems like a lot lately, it's especially hard for me to feel like an adequate Mommy.

The other day I was in my bedroom going through my fall/winter clothes, and I came acrossed my maternity pants. It brought on a flood emotions and tears.

I miss my baby so much. I miss what could have been.

I try not to cry in front of the kids, so I just stayed in my room and sat on my bed and cried and tried to compose myself.

Avery walked by and saw me.

She walked in my room and without sayng a word she came over to me, gave me a big hug, moved my hair aside and kissed my forehead. Then told me I was going to be okay.

Man, oh Man!!!

That is exactly what I do to her when she is upset.

I realized right then and there, that I'm not a bad Mom.

My little Avery knew how to comfort me, because I taught her how.

We can't be so hard on ourselves.

We have to keep trying.

Our kids are watching and learning from us all the time.

We are being good Mom's when we don't even notice. When we comfort our kids, when we ask how their day was, when we tuck them in at night. Sometimes being a good Mom is just being there for them.

I discovered that when my little girl was there for her Mommy.

The "twins"

I LOVE these two!

They usually get along pretty well, and they really are best of friends.

I call them the "twins" because they are basically the same size, and because Blaise is gone a lot at scouts, soccer, friends, and so it's just me and the twins a lot of the time.

One night while Dad and Blaise were out at a soccer game the twins stayed home with me so that they could play. They decided to play outside, even though I told them that it was cold out there. They took off their shoes and jumped on the trampoline. When they came in their little tootsies were sooooo cold. So we did a litte foot bath. They LOVED it!!!



And here is a close up of Caiden's toothless smile!! Could he be any cuter!!??