Feeling better *cough*

Last night I developed a cough and didn’t sleep well, but one or other of these factors mean that today I feel miles better than I have in ages. Adrenaline or a good hard kick up my immune system or whatever means that although my throat hurts and my glands are like golf balls, I am (relatively) on top of the world. Yesterday was dreadful. How do I qualify dreadful? Well, I got to the point when I kept bursting into tears because everything hurt so much and I felt so sick and tired (as in sick and also tired as opposed to fed up – although I was that too). Plus when I’m more ill, the codeine’s effects become more profound, I get more confused, vision blurs or bends (as in you watch your hand move one piece on the chessboard but a moment later you realised you moved the one next to it) and for the last few days I have been experiencing things that are not really happening.

I have a history of this sort of thing when I have been very ill before or reacting badly to drugs; this is not a road I want to go down. Fortunately, these things at the moment are just random, like coming into a room and smelling something that I can’t smell. Like cigarettes and coffee, when nobody smokes in the house and nobody has been drinking coffee. Or smelly feet where there are no smelly feet, smelly shoes or camembert anywhere to be found. Or feeling a breeze on my face when all the windows are shut and I know for sure I’m not in a draft. I'm having loads of these every day, but it’s not screwing me up too badly; these experiences aren’t associated with any fear; I just experience it, consider it odd, try to explain it, fail to explain it and move on. I’m only afraid about where this leads, like I say.

I expect it leads nowhere. Although I have been struggling to cope with this latest downer, I don’t think I’m depressed and so long as I’m treading water, I don’t expect to have any complex or negative hallucinations. I know I’m going to feel better soon. And of course today I do feel much better. Plus even though I’ve been laid up, it’s not like I’ve been unable to use my computer or talk on the phone – at least some of the time. And I managed the cinema on Tuesday; that was significant. Unfortunately my miserable brain thinks that I went to the
cinema weeks ago and I haven’t been able to do anything for months on end.

I can’t remember having a cough before – not one independent of a cold. It is quite easy to deal with. It hurts, but pain is relative and relative to what else is going on, this is not painful at all. And of course unlike with a cold I can breath easily and my taste-buds still work. I am very cheerful about this cough.

So all in all I am feeling good.

Doh!

Sorry, I just lost yesterday's post entirely - sorry. It was about Star Wars. Sorry. I'm going go lie down in a darkened room...

It really is back this time

Felt a bit better towards the end of yesterday and this morning I woke up and within an hour or so I was able to confirm that my brain is most definitely functioning, the pain is tolerable. I actually feel like I'm on planet Earth for the first time in about ten days.

I'm writing and it's going well, but since I've been such a miserable sod (and I have been very miserable) I thought I ought to share the great news. I really am over the moon to be able to have clear thoughts again. I can cope with anything if I can just think clearly.

Strangely enough, the only thing that has coincided with this rather dramatic improvement in cognitive function is that I forgot to take my Ibuprofen with tea last night. I know it's called "Brufen Retard" but I thought that was to do with the sustained release nature of the tablets. And I thought they made me brighter, by reducing the swelling in my brain... There may be nothing in this at all of course. I wish I wasn't compelled to analyse why things get better or worse.

Mini Rally

I am feeling absolutely dreadful today, but I was cheered up when the Mini Rally came past outside. They do this every year; I'm not sure where they come from and where they are going to. There was a red one and a camoflauge one and a black one flying the Jolly Roger from either wing-mirror and there was a red on and a turquoise one and a red one with stripes and a purple one and another plainish red one and a really knackered looked forest green one and another red one this time with white stripes and then another red one with a correctly coloured Union Jack on and a silver one with a black and white chequer-board on the roof and then another red one with stripes and a bright Barbie pink one and another red one. Then my legs gave way and by the time I got up they were gone. They were going very fast.

The best Mini I ever saw, which I didn't see today was an ivory or at least off-white one with a monochrome Union Jack on the roof - extremely moddish and groovy.

This was the highlight of my day.

The return of the brain... maybe.

Well I’m feeling much better today, even though I had a night of truly horrible dreams. They were so vivid. I dreamt that my nearly-but-not-quite brother-in-law died. My sister is always going on about the young man’s bodily functions (at twenty-six her top three favourite words remain guff, windipop and wobblebottom – not sure about the order), and when in this dream she broke the news to me she said, “He was very ill, and all of a sudden he farted, rolled over and died. But that’s the way he would have wanted it to be.”

Unfortunately, this didn’t strike me as a strange or funny thing to say at all in my dream; it was just awful, I felt terrible and I woke up feeling sick with the shock of the news. I then wasn’t sure whether some of it was true, whether or not Adrian’s life was really in danger just now or whether that was a dream as well. When I went back to sleep my dreams were less traumatic, but still pretty bad. Dreams about drowning, getting into wrestling matches with people twice my size, this sort of thing.

My brain seems to be present and correct today, but I’m being very easily distracted. Ho hum. I will try and do something useful before the day is out.

Poetry Corner: I just want my body to work

Following Ode to My TENS Machine you might have imagined that I was too nice to subject you to further angst-ridden poetry, but you were wrong. Funnily enough, I can only write poetry when my brain isn't good for anything else. This is because I only ever write very bad poetry. I know it's bad but it is an expression, an expression of something inside me and as such, I need someone to express it to. That's where you come in.

Actually to be honest, I have had a crap few days but just now I feel like I may be turning the corner. I think Kerry's comment about the painkiller's knocking one out (somewhere below) is a good one; I started my new regime just before I went away and it's only now that I've tried to sit down and work on this volume of codeine - I hadn't thought about that before. So I'm kind of hoping this is a contributing factor and I've not had a more significant downturn in my health.

Question is where I go from here, if in order to be comfortable I must tolerate this level of dopiness. And dear reader, in order to see your friend and blogger comfortable, can you tolerate this sort of nonsense?

I just want my body to work.

Some girls are ugly and some girls are fair,
With radiant faces and lustrous hair,
What have I got? Well I don’t really care:
I just want my body to work

I don’t need to be pretty (and witty and gay),
I don’t need my hairstyle to hold through the day,
And everything else, well it’s really okay,
I just want my body to work.

I cannot eat less or spend hours at the gym,
But that is just fine; I don’t need to be slim,
Though it would be nice to have functioning limbs
I just want my body to work.

I don’t need a lotion to smooth out the lines,
I don’t need a potion to lift my behind,
And as for these spots, well I don’t really mind,
I just want my body to work.

I don’t need bigger bosoms or poutier lips,
I don’t need inch-long red nails at my fingertips
I don’t need firmer thighs or symmetrical bits
I just want my body to work.

I don’t need to tan, tint, to blend or to bleach
I don’t want to take my clothes off on the beach,
Thus I don’t need my arse to resemble a peach,
I just want my body to work.

Some girls have it all; brains, beauty and luck,
I’m no cover-girl; I’m more ‘cover-up’,
But frankly my dear, I don’t give a fuck:
I just want my body to work.

How I feel today

I have been sitting at my computer for the last hour unable to achieve anything, so I decided to express myself in Paint (the program; on canvas I am much better). This is how I feel today. It's not a million miles off the way I look today. We're supposed to be going out this evening, any hot make-up tips?