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My greatest regret is seriously giving another chance being with gerald a year and a half ago... I can cry inside everynight for that day onwards led to so many unhappy things that is tied to me now, i hate myself for giving in on that very day, with da jie and da sao's persuasion, not to blame them for they have said something asking me to give him a chance, its my own fault for listening. Now im leading a life that i really regret, in me i know, ill get out someday. I promised myself, never will i give a chance to a man who Isnt a man at all to enter my walls again. I have wasted so much time all this while

Recently ive been keeping my thoughts on my family to anybody, because i think nobody will really feels for the situation im in... Theres some pointers to my difficulties, ive got my mum who's been giving me the 'hiding' issue... She was giving problem for my facebook display pic, i think its perfectly fine, but counter wise she thinks its a display of my gayness.. Just because it started from my cousin adding my sis and thus the worries for my exposure. Next is the allowance for my mum and the home, nobody really cares for my tightness in the income... Im struggling too ya? Its still not a winwin situation where the burden of all the debts is equally distributed. Then to the displeased of "when can i finally get my room back?" im struggling everyday living with gerald and the 'dont-bother' tenant. Im hanging there with no where to go. In another way, my mum is not working And she's been having the crazy shit going on again, staying out is also better. So i cant go back and i cant stay... Only waiting for anyone to save me please...

Well finally we get to meet, christ sake, i really wasted my time fighting for something not worth, i think rather both of you perfectly match.

Was so upset on the 5th night before going on mc on the 6th and 7th... Gerald actually shouted and screamed at me when i confronted him to lower the volume of the tv when i was so sick that i needed rest... Before that he'd also vent his vent frust on me because of some unreasonable steaming of pau issue. He didnt say sorry at all not until i'd asked for it. Still the same old gerald, for these years, not even abit of changes.... For the last chance im giving him, i promise that this is the last hope he'll have to myself... ~ continues on the 1st april 2011I thought hard these days... The greatest regret that i have is to even start this

~continues 17th April
I know inside me, ive already given up writing our story

Surprisingly, a long lost red string tied 6 years ago is brought back once again, let me introduce Terence, he's cute back then, i dont know for now, but definately with humour and sweetness, six years back, i had a little feel for him, but back then he was attached, we've lost contact there after. After six years of now, he found me in Grindr, an app in iphone for queers. He emphasis that he'd had a crushed on me, and claims that he shouldnt have let go of the chance back then... (this guy only sent me home once) and was completely a brick when i try to talk to him... Which he explains the wall was built because of his concurrent relationship.. Still if for a start of being friends i think being friendly should've been... Now after all the catching up in conversation last night, he says he wants to court me back even though knowing ive a bf... Wants to date me out.. Maybe a chance given to feel whats the missing element that gerald is lack of.. ~follow up on the second day, terence was still as sweet in the morning, then later i find him a guy keeps cruising the wholeday online in Grindr, it seems his sincerity is as such only, think to him its just another sweet talk to hook up somebody thats all, geez

Today had a really bad arguement with da sao, didnt quite understand why is she acting all crazy over small issue, but just cant tolerate the behaviour she gave me. I was all happy to edit the photographs last night, id even slept at 2am just for it, upon editing i already know the photos are rather blurrish, even gerald realised it, sadly its a fact when all sees it, i know its because maybe i didnt focus properly, impatient and snap, i was so disappointed to see all the comments and thus deleted off the album from my facebook, then told them off that since im such freaking bad in photo shooting, i wont want to shoot in our in coming trip, asking them to shoot it themself for their better preference... Maybe i didnt use a better choice of words to express what i wanted to say but my message was convey in proper, she became so sensitive and started saying i did this because of the jokes they are making, that i cant take it...! The~ she insisted that i was refered to that and made so many sarcarstic remarks on me, it hurts so much that for the very last time i thought ,to me they're my very best closeys, i thought they can actually understand me well and maybe encourage me for not being disappointed by the sucks picture but instead to them i am like a sarcastic piece of shit that selfishly deleted the pics off my facebook. Whereas been already agreed to pass master copies to them for them to edit themselves.. Pics can always upload back but i think bonds towards them ive seen enough... This is what i get...

Where are you when i always needed you most?
its always this question to myself whenever i needed someone most,when i'm most depressed,when i needed help to the peak...

Disappointment this day 31052010
Together we, Da Jie and Da Sao, Zach and Vincent, Gerald and Me, went to this Food Fare @ Expo.
i was so depressed when Zach and Da sao can actuaaly sit there comfortably when their beloved set a manly example to buy food, get sits, await on their lover... but for my case i'm like another mad chicken running here and there getting food getting drinks hunting sits...

i always hate it when i have to give orders to the dreamer, gerald which is always dreaming following me around like a sheep, i'd always have to give orders so he'll move a step to do something..

Not until finally we peacefully sat down and eat, with the 2 lovely couples infront of me, i started to feel so down inside me.. so hateful to why have i chosen gerald to be the one... most turn off is that he was digging his fucking mouth with his finger right infront of everyone... i was so fucking embarrassed and low that very moment, i was acting so hard as if nothing really did happened, being myself trying to be happy and all......

The past days with him~
I'd hate it so much, i told him i'm so tight right now, or rather i'm already bankrupt... i don't have any money.. so i attempted to give him the chance, i voiced out to him that i'm bankrupt and i needed his help, so i asked to borrow a 50 dollars from him. he says alright.

But then he didn't borrow as he said...
each day i was living with embarrassment to ask him again and again for each time he gives me a 10 dollars. i'd still have to beg... you know how much i fucking hate to beg from anybody, especially to him my own lover .

proves to show i really can't depend on him in anyways. even on my most difficult times.

Comparing with Vincent, my last time ex, i didn't even have to show that i'm in difficulties, he'd be so caring and silently put cash into my wallet without me knowing... this simple gratitude i'd be so touched... those were the moments...

luckily my sis wants to buy something for her, she passed me some cash, so i'd used that to pull through my days first, lieing to her that i can only get her stuff next week whereas my pathetic army pay will be out..

May this secret be kept here whereas i know nobody will read my blog anyway...

I'd realise i really have no one to talk to or share what's my little sad corner is about..

so i guess here, is the perfect place.. getting my emotions out written in words.
The major points that's been going through my life right now,
Love,
Family,
Friends
Work...

For My Love life~
Gerald isn't the perfect guy, or rather i should be more honest, since i don't have to hide here, he's is far worst then to get any nearer of perfect. i'm not being sarcastic, but it is the fact... he has been the worst experience of all my past partners. And sadly, I'm stuck with him. I have no idea why am i still in this kinda situation. I'm not complaining seriously, not even comparing.. but maybe here are some situations that turns me off and helps understand the story better..

He is still picking his teeth, opening his mouth wide, sticking his fingers in to dig even in restaurants eating places. i had this voiced out before, and he'd agree to change this ugly habit. despite how much i hated it but this ugly habit haven't even changed abit.

Watching the movies with your lover should be a fun thing, or rather there is someone to share your laughter, mingle and get sad during the scenes, even to share and talk about how you might have felt after watching the show. but mine sadly, i rather watch it alone. Why?! because i'm like sitting next to a wooden log with no emotions at all, he doesn't have any sort of emotions at all... not even talk about it after the show... i tried sharing but its always " okie loh " “还好咯“... then the conversation just ends there. or whatever you say doesn't seems to get any replies. lovers cuddle in arms to watch the show, but he says rather its tiring for his own fucking arm... such a turn off...! and he only does one sickening thing, its to just keep plucking out his stubs from his chin and wiping it off his pants.

I've been lying to him for my off days... i'd rather go back to my own home staying with my family. Reason behind? I'm so sick and tired of him. The place can be dirty at times here and there, things needed to be replaced, to be washed, to be shifted or whatsoever tiny thing, he knows it, and he sees it, but he won't fucking touch it!!! he will only fucking emphasis saying it.. (FUCKING DO IT YOURSELF LAH!!!) I get so fucking pissed whenever he's free he just sleep whenever, always whinning about tiring, complaining with all sorts of fucking excuses.. just won't make anything useful out of himself.Even after you've done everything for him, he just doesn't seems to appreciate anything, nothing of showing any gratitude. Like its what i needed to do. Isn't him part of the FUCKing house? why am i doing all this FUCK SHIT? Can't stand it anymore, Its become a FUCKING phobia in me to stay with him any longer together.

Nothing is ever solved, he will just keeps dragging and dragging over the matter.. AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN EVERYDAY as long as he could. I'm really Fucking ANNOYED by him not having to act like a big man to make decision and to find whats the best way out.Shut The fuck up and make things work will ya?!

Caring Concern? Heh... Fucking make my blood boil even higher.
I think if i were to grade this, out of ten, i give him one FUCKING point.
Fucking Disappointing ya know...
I'm like so tired of giving him all the attention, begging him to give me some..
REAL FUCKING PATHETIC MAN...

Looking at other couples, they can be so naturally sacrificing for each other, but my partner is somewhat a stingy person to whatever it comes. I'm just so sick and tired of all his excuses. ALWAYS EXCUSES! If its not excuse he claims then what?! the effort of loving for you to me its only this much? bloody helll, really brought myself to this piece of shit. i can't believe it.

Talking about going overseas with him? SHIT LAH, I've gone all moodless to go anywhere with him, He made me be, with all the whinning and waiting, whinning and waiting... excuse here excuse there... anyone understand how i feel at all?

Its like i rather do everything myself, better even without him around in my life, i can say i'm even more happy being alone, being single again.

With my family~

My sister is marrying this freak, i hope she's not really into him. for what i can say, i don't like him at all..

As and when my mum still go bonkers with her own 'out-of-loneliness' crazy imagination...
what more can i do with her as she's not spontaneous herself, nobody can please her not unless she brings it down herself.
I tried making her happy bringing her out but there's limitation where i can bring her now right? i'm just an NS BOY, How the FUCK do i get the FUCKING money? With Gerald is as stingy, i hate him more each time i wanted him to spend and please my mum.

O ya, here i am struggling with money issues, but my sister and my mum got a FUCKING 2 k plus OSIM massage chair... got that for her for paying half of it as her mother's day present, my mum was like bragging to me for this present, don't anyone understand of how harsh my situation is?

my phone line can be dead anytime.
I paid 2 third of my pay to the stupid broadband first if not without internet access, they kbkb here and there without getting to use but not pay a single cent for it at all...
paid a hundred bucks to cover my diners card.. or rather to keep away the bugging calls...
i'm like left with 50 - 80 bucks? to struggle through the month...
wishing each day pass faster then it should be to my pay day for the FUCKING 400 NS PAY to cover everything which is impossible...
Its like i don't even know whether i have enough to eat tomorrow.
With my Fucking life this way i can't abandon smoking less, so pek chek, i think smoking is the only best friend for releasing my stress that's left worthwhile doing...

With Friends~

Da Jie and Da sao is happily ever after, don't wanna bother them much with all the happy planning trips they've already made...

looking at them, comparing myself with my lover, i get so envy of their love relation...

even for Zach... i'm really really happy for him, my heart wanted to tear for he is so lucky to find a perfect guy to love him now.. Vincent has done things to go into his life, i can see he's really somebody you can rely on... what more can a better person be? he's got the looks, the body, good character, the generous gratitude, money, loving...

Everybody is moving, but i'm just stuck here...

With Work~

my initial plan was to return to Vantage, but they don't seem so keen in welcoming me back... Just take a good look at that place.. with no customers and prices are fucking ex, how to break it through to a big market with good money come to hand...? the main reason to go back is for Ronald 老师. For he is my benefactor, i wanted to help him..

So i took a big step out to return to my previous job, being an administrator, for they offer better money, and being practical even, its a five days job, i get more pay in compared and more personal time... and moreover its a happy working environment.

Just i have to give up what's my passion again to get practical.

I'm so happy that we've got a seed of our own now,
Little Junior!
Our Son!
this special little baby was bought home at sudden,

this noon , we were just like the other times visiting the pet farm,
Da jie and Da sao is planning to get a Maltese,
and so we'd check out what's in store,
then we come across Junior..

Junior is a Cairn Terrier.. brindle color.. 2 mths old..
and we like it..
came to my surprise..
Gerald agreed to bring him home..
so nice of darling :D

junior had a little runny nose and cough, and we brought him to the vet the following day..
doc prescribed some medi and i'm giving all care to my little precious..
its going to be a week for further review, and i hoped he gets better in no time...

Today, we arrange for our beloved ID to view our home...
discussions here and there..
although there are alot of details to oversee,
but i'm so excited so excited to how our dream house be done...! Yeah..
Can't wait...

Then after, phew... what a night of fun to remember!!!
My first night to be at the Lan shop playing from 10 plus to morning 7 plus...
so surprising when there was bright sunlight when we came out from the shop...

We were playing Left 4 Dead..
This game kicks ass..
SI BEI..............
watch the preview:



You'll as one of the characters...
you can search for its game play trailer in youtube...
damn cool as you work as a team to kill ..

I'm sorry to all my readers out there, just this period of time had some unnecessary trouble... there's been a stalker trying everyways to intrude to my privacy, so i'd turn my updating pace back to 'slow or even to 'no. anyways, had no choice but to set some security to the viewers...
Please forgive me if i hadn't added you to allow list, acknowledge me if missed you out yea, no hard feelings...

Is your lover a thoughtful guy?

I'd just briefly express this in brief scenarios,

Case 1) Walking

does your boyfriend walks infront of you so fast that you can't catch up?
or
is he always beside you sheilding you from the crowd?

Will you get turned off when your lover ain't beside you instead you're rushing to walk with him with a limp leg (injured , he knows) always?
with such a crowd in town on the weekends,
when ask, are you rushing?
No.. you're supposedly shopping..

Case 2) Shopping

a) You're not a materialistic person, but just wanting a little inexpensive gift that you like when you see shopping with your boyfriend..

Does he buy that gift for you that you like?
or
You guys went out plain boring shopping all the time without having to buy anything at all most of the time...?


b) You bought something nice for him, he don't even plan on having intention to wear that thing, not because its not nice, but its because its without a brand, even a simple toiletrie bag, giving you the excuse that he finding it troublesome to use when you wanting good for him to improvise in getting himself organise..

Will you dare to buy more things for him?
its sad when your sincerity is not being appreciated.


c) at some point, you two are walking around, 'window shopping' again

something caught his attention in a shop,
is he a kind which he'll walk in to look around in the shop? or he's rather to be standing away in a distance with you beside blocking the passageway straining his eyes?

Case 3) Your mother's birthday

your boyfriend is invited along for dinner treat too.
When ask, is he getting a gift?
he'd says he doesn't know what your mother likes,
even a birthday cake?
he'll reply plainly he doesn't even know what your mother will choose also..
You'll have to repeatedly ask and worry for him, because you want him to shine infront of your parents...

Will your boyfriend make an effort at all or he doesn't even bother to?

Case 4) Doing things together

In eveydays routine, you both grab dinner and then to your place,
you've got your interest to creating art pieces for upcoming events,
He's watching tv on bed, and you on the bedside thought you can do your own thing,
but instead he demand for you to lie beside him and cuddle watching tv,
You're not asking him to help doing your art pieces but you have to stop and be beside him watching him every minute.

You've to even seek approval to do your own things?

Case 5) Your boyfriend's lifestyle has always been timed,

he's already a scheduled person, nothing much he wants to do to compromise into anyone, if he does, he has complains... big fuss about all his own mood swings..
whinning and whinning..

Will your boyfriend be a flexible person?

Case 6) being indecisive

Your boyfriend is like a woman, or worst,
being so indecisive in whatever things,
to eat what, to buy what...
婆婆妈妈的,

You have to find a sit some place till he decides...

Case 7) Lending a helping hand

You're carrying alot of stuff,

Will your boyfriend help you carrying some stuff?

Case 8) Watchin movies

a) Your boyfriend gets couple sits,

but doesn't like 'heads on shoulders', like what normal couples do to cuddle themselves together,
he'd rather have his elbow rested on the arms rest,
so instead why get couple sits when you don't have to lift the arm rest..

you can only envy why other couples can do so.

b) When watching the movie, then only he likes to watch you,

he'll glare at you suddenly for a long time, you do look back at a few times at start then after if you do not look back in response, then he'll ask why didn't you look at him.. we're watching movie right?

does this sound ridiculous?

Case 9) In the loo

a)He doesn't flush the toilet bowl

b)He doesn't wash his hands

Case 10) Dining

how turn off could it be when you see him trying to pick his teeth using his fingers in public..

hm.. from my past,
anniversaries are special days always...
be it classy dinners or simple ones with flowers...
even a night staying over in hotels ,chalets or resorts
it has always been memorable..

share with me whats thee most memorable anniversary you've had or could imagine to have.. or is it just another day?
feel free to tag in my chatbox yea..

Look at this! so cute! this was taken during my Primary 4 days!

We may know each other in the past,
but we went out for the first time alone on the 24th,
We'd happened so naturally..
and~ we were dating le...
very sweet moments.. he's gentlemen as in very respectful sort..
love his eyes, the way he smiles..



i'd never get bored looking at him..

Day by day i am getting to know him a little better, like revealing each page in a book...
he is someone with a deep content and i admire that..
mature and sensible...

i can't help fallin in love with Gerald,
it just keeps getting better...

hm, this coming weekend its our 2 weeks being together,
so far, i've nothing to complain about, maybe a point which is he still yet to say the magic words...although its simple, but it meant alot to me..

we have a conclusion to our probation period to be a month,
i've already had dreams on him to the future..
i hope he's not another passer by...
May watchers give their blessings for us both to work things out for each other.

Aw.... missing him already.

~Continues on 10/04/2009

A Dream Came True

Refering to my previous post on the 20th Feb this year,
someone lovely really came and pick me up from camp today...
Awww......
My Darling Gerald..
i find him so ravishingly attractive on the road side waiting for me standing by his white car...
its like my dream came true!
Finally someone...
we went to Jurong point.. had dinner there, 'New york New york', a good feast we had..felt so blessed to have such lifestyle, someone you fell for takes initiative and real infront of you...

well, auntie ennough, we went to walk around , only choice that the store is not closed yet, NTUC. its so big, somewhat like Carrefour...
interesting, never been there before...

Then after we ended the night by having a good chat, i realised i 'd understand dar dar a little more better...

Muacks

~Continue another week

Sweet Simple Love



This was taken when we were shopping at Bugis, just as when i'd say ,

Darling, 我们很像没有拍过照片哦？

the sweet thing was his immediate reaction was to take out his phone and snap right away, we were walking ya know?!
From the past guys they will prefer to hide one corner or reply
'there will always be chance de 啦！'
i really appreciate him to contrast as the different one..
really! MuacksssSS

~Continues 18/04/2009

We missed each other so muchHHHHH

i was away for a week for stupid NS training,
Sweet Gerald came fetch from home over to his place,
i'd just can't stop loving him more day by day,
then i permitted him to enter me..
Feeling him inside me,
we've venture ourselves to a new bonding,
Manage to dry him,(although i wish for more, but its alright anyways!)
HAHAHAHAHA! wicked laughter

三炮喔！

He's so gentle, i felt so good and appreciated,
I really enjoy watching him Moan when he can't hold it any longer,
He's movement to hold me away while panting and moaning out,
Soooooo CuteEEEE!!!

~Continues on 19/04/2009

I was so tired out from the day's programme with Da jie and gang, still gotta carry on a hair appointment (rebonding somemore!)
but after i felt so relieveing that darling came pick me up from my client's place,
we went for a filling dinner at Bukit Batok,
then we chatted under my void deck,
my sister and her boyfriend saw us,
then my mum and dad, ( Mum didn't make any bad remarks 喔!)
from the moment he's accepted in me,
i'm already ready to expose him ..
just thinking will he be ready to face my family...
hope he doesn't disappoint me in progressing closer into with my kins...

~Continues on 21/04/2009

Darling is turning more and more chicky like me...
he'd even done the 'one eye brow lift' motion that i always do..
couples really grown to become like each other?
was wearing just a FBT shorts and a sweat singlet to meet him today,
felt rather bare, but i guess he likes it,
this hum sup keeps his eyes glued to my groin throughout,
and keeps tingling my thighs then usual,
i was so hard already,
lol, haha, so embarrassing...
well, its a good thing that i'm catching his attention though...
and i love his attention.

We had dinner at chong pang,
then to Sembawang Park for a relaxing chat,
felt so loving under his arm around me and kissing me...

We ended by midnight, send me home, had a cigg downstairs before we seperated,
i felt so sweet, as he wrap around my waist and kiss me goodbye,
and whisper on my ears "Love Ya!"
for the first time he'd says that!
think i'm too dark now to have him see me blushing...

i felt so pampered, so happy tonight...

~Continues on 22/04/09

I regretted, i really do regretted for letting you read this blog,
the only place that i can share my feelings with,
you became rather sensitive to what i've wrote about my ex in my previous post...
He maybe in my mind at times, but you are in my heart...

Darling, he's just a past,
a past in me, why would i venture into someone who've hurt me and yet not love me anymore?
You're my future, I Love you Gerald, Only you now!
Don't you understand?!

I'd booked out rather late tonight,
walking out the long road to take the only stupid bus,
I've been thinking so hard,

Am I Loosing you already?
so hoping that you're at my side now,
but you didn't seems to wanna see me since last night that i told you i'll be bookin out late tonight..

Your immediate reply was that you're gonna go drink then,
my heart aches...

your replies suddenly stopped and i guessed you've started your night...

had my dinner, tried to watch TV, a hot shower, and yet still nothing from you..

i was hoping a call? silly me, you've not ever made a call to me, only when you've reached some place that we're meeting...

closing my eyes,
listening to my own heartbeat,
feeling the cold wind blows with heavy raindrops from the window,
Hoping that this can't be it right?

~Continues on 24/04/09

Yea, We'd settle down, at midnight of 23rd, Sweet darling gave me a ring,
athough nothing of a special proposal, no flowers, not any sort of luxurious dinner, no music no nothing, was just simply downstairs at my void deck..
I agreed and we are officially engaged..

~Continues on 17/05/09

its been the 3rd happy weekend of rollerblading...
different from the usual sundays, joined in today was with da jie and da sao..
hope they'd burn some fats from the cycling.. hahaha
( 一直吃一直睡啦！si bei jia lat leh. always sleep and eat sleep and eat lah! exercise more lah! )

Sorry people that i had a pause in updating this post since 24th last month
been ups and downs through the days..
My darling and i got closer as each issues arouses..
solving each problems we've had actually builds our bonding together...
Darling is looking for his own apartment already,
i feel so useless without having much to help in,
Only just giving advises here and there,
bringing books on home decos to give him inspirations,
going for house viewings together..
Going Ikea ang lookin for the right renovators...

thinking all the ways to help darling...

I felt so blessed now, its like we're being 小夫妻...



~Continues on 20/05/09

Ahaha, Got 2 days MC from MO o.. got a bad sore throat
more time to spent with dar dar le, but he has to work.. so i'd stayed home..
Darling got to bond with my family, and i'm happy he's mixing well..
drink wine with my family tonight, hope he's not bored of such meeting the in laws..
hehe

~Continues on 21/05/09

I'd cooked today! yea!
I do know how to cook de hor,
just didn't touch the cookin for a long while nia..
even my mum complimented today that i cook better then my sister! haha..

I'd cook simple dishes today ( Ugh.. should have took pictures )
kinda Teochew porridge with alot of side dishes loh..
hope dar dar like it...

Muacks.. lovin him day by day...
and He's so horny today..
Well, i'm horny everyday! hahahahaha :X

~Continues on 24/05/09

Darling felt fat today and he's gonna work hard for his tummy in the gym..
Dar... not to worry, i still love you for what you'll become, we'll grow old together de...
Muacks..

then later in the late afternoon we went to view an apartment,
we had no intention that this unit maybe a good deal..
but out of our expectations, its a good choice..
from the calculations and comparisons to the apartments that we've viewed, its a better deal.
After much discussions with the property agent we decided to give it a go,
and its just we've to wait for an agreement with the seller of the unit..

We had a long day, mostly occupied by the decision of the apartment, we both forgotten that today its our anniversary.. Sad~ although its just our second month, but we've missed it, no one to blame for.. maybe its just fated to be this way...

~Continues on 26/05/09

Both of us felt so low today...
The seller to our great deal has rejected the offer...
sigh, we gotta look for more apartment le...

~Conitnues on 27/05/09

Today i felt the silence from my dear darling..
i'd thought he had second thoughts about me,
maybe he got bored of our lifestyle now,
maybe he got bored of me...
i felt so worried within to what's in his thoughts,
and was told its not within my help to aid what's wrong..
not until much pester to tell me what's going on then he'd reveal..

its because of my home restrictions,
>_<
.........
......
.....
...
.

I don't know what more to say, with my family under one roof, we have to respect them right?
here we conclude to the level of understanding again...
better off downstairs?
Huh?

i worried so much to end up getting this.
i have myself to blame...
I was feeling so peaceful and bliss and happy,
but now...
ugh...
why do you always have to do this to me? ( *cries )

~Conitnues on 26/11/09

There were ups and downs between the months that i've stopeed posting.
Unnecessary issues from Darling's past made our bond grew stronger,
the trust to his honesty is no longer in doubt.

We've struggled through whatever most obstacles may aroused in a relationship,
and will do the same to whatever may come.
Although Darling Gerald has his imperfections to my expectations as a perfect lover
but i can see he is already trying to make a difference.

Still... maybe its too early to tell...

~continues 17th April
I know inside me, ive already given up writing our story

Today's issue i'm gonna share with you are my finance problems...
i maybe rich in a way when i was working, earning big bucks like a wink..
but now i'm down to a pathetic SGD$400 in the NS as a servicemen..
it really sucks..!

my credit cards, my phonebills, everything keeps accumulating..
i'm so stress with this current problem..
what can i do more in the weekends?
although there's my freelance in Vantage but there of course has political stuff too..

I could be there a whole day, few were my customers from there as i didn't bring my own customers in, they're prices are so unreasonably high for my clients, so i kept them away.. and that they're the slower packs, they work on clients so slowly so i gotta help them, not being paid for that, i'm just being used as a free labour... i'm just wasting my time and not earning you see..

i tried ways like work back on my own freelance - Style-Fusion
but my time now is so restricted by NS.. i'll only disappoint customers when i couldn't make it.. rather to disappoint them, i kept the invites away..

i've cut to the minimal for my expenditure and still of course never enough..

i had a bad bad thought when i was having dinner with my mum just now,
she was pushy for me to save up whereas she thinks i'm still filthy rich before,
i was so frustrated even she couldn't see my situation...

i had a msn friend, we weren't close, just had a few chats, he's one of those with the bods and average looks in reality, but he's photogenic enough, a model, i thought he is kinda cool because there's like a wall in him that i couldn't seems to go further to explore his love life, neither he wants to talk about his lover..
then one night i bumped into him in a club, he doesn't seems happy at all, i wonder why, then i saw his partner, he's partner seems to be over the 40's reaching 50's.. a sugar daddy?
later he flew to US and tour around as i know, i so envy him with all the labels he have and the life he is in now, but afterall he is not happy, come on! who will?! to be with a gramp...

now, i have had alot alot of offers that did brought my mind astray, is this so call quick cash? well, the sacrifice to make is big i know, your happiness for his.. although is easy job making the gramp company and happy ( to give him sex too )
do i really have to resent to 'this'?

ugh...

~Continued another day
afterall, i didn't resent to thee...
couldn't resent to disgust myself..
我还是自爱的

CQ its just a short term, it should be CQMS, which stands for
Company Quarterly Master Sergent
kinda the serg [ a leader ] in stores for coy line..

i happen to be a storeman which controls under him..

Huin Jian Ming.


This fat Bastard,
He does nothing at all basically,
You push him one step and he moves half a step..



only when infront of other higher ranks he plays ' busy man '
ang-kat here and there,
a total loser example...

i was playing nice with him in the beginning as of him being a freshman.. but time goes by, i'd realised he doesn't even put effort in learning, executing, helping at all... all he does is hide or run away..
throwing everything to me. He as the leader pushing away responsibilities..?
Then now, i play ball already...
no longer angel to him, i'll add to his worst nightmares..

Huin Jian Min.
Be PREPARED! I'LL GIVE YOU HELL LOTS TILL WE ORD TOGETHER MOTHER FUCKER!!!

as shaun claims me to be, " once provoke, difficult to tame "
[ thanks for understanding the real me darling, the only one who found this out in me ]

so people, i do have my limits, i hate people doing things without efforts, hypocrisy, etc etc[ in my bio profile > hate list...

Seeking Confession of Myself Today was the most 'confused by myself' day.. maybe it'll be clearer to express what i've been feeling in words here then to keep it a secret.. guess no one will see these anyways.. After a struggle from the break up with zach, i'd managed to stand by myself, but i'd be confused with myself somehow is that, i realise not until today, all this while i was still using him as an 'item' in anything, let's just take for an example, in whatever account passwords.. in comparison to current dates, to future criteria from love.. even using him as an excuse in my head to quit smoking... but its clear that our love has ended. after the years, till now, everytime i see him or got close to him, i felt so different... i feel so nervous and tensed up, my heart was racing.. A week back,I already felt this coming back in the movies with them and him sitting with me, had the sudden thought that we haven't had movies before when we were together, felt blissed to have at least fulfilled the one thing we could have done in the past... even though our stats are different now... Him beside me, its so naturally warmth, i so wanted to embrace into his arms... the horror movie was scary, although i had jumpy moments, but most of the time i feel so secure with him that cools me down... i'd hoped the movie lasted longer but all good things comes to an end, just treasure the feeling i had in memories... will we gonna ever watch a show together again? take today in the worst scenario, i was actually so happy that he'd wanted to play mahjong with us, not until he sat down beside then i was so tensed up.. feels like i couldn't even breath properly..[luckily the mahjong game saved me, had the excuse to be nervous because he was damn good in the game] i got so worried myself to what is going on.. i mean, i was talking in my head, he's already a past, we won't be together again, he's happily attached too.. my head is so full! fighting till the extend that i keep persuading myself the opposites to try repelling the weird feelings already, telling myself he's not good looking, he's a flirty, he's not tall enough, he's too complicated, not stable in finance, still a player around.. so and so... i left straight out of the house after we'd stopped the game, i'm having such a mixed up, In the long train ride back home, i cleared my doubts that he's really not forgotten inside me afterall, my persuasion towards myself failed because he is really perfect inside me.. i was just lieing to myself, realised, all this while i am in denial that i still have strong feelings for him. Just i cant express it out.. i felt my heart aches the same time hearing him talking on the phone with his boyfriend, i shouldn't be jeolous, why am i? Fabian lee guo an, i'm seriously telling myself, what good does it bring to have hope for him? saw his boyfriend that day, well, i have my own attributes yea... WTH! I'm comparing?! gosh...! i was so looking for this weeks programme that he'd asked before, a korean restaurant that he recommands, but it happens to clash with my stupid NS training stuff, that i've to missed it... aw...............!!!! ugh.. I HATE NS.. what's gonna happen next? can i control myself better? bloggy bloggy, i can't tell anyone else except you.. :D

~Continues another day,
Hey! i'd just read my previous posts in '07 had a missing on him! aiyo..

~Continues another day,
as time cools me down, i tone down the need to see him... and had a better thought.. He's just too perfect to have.. may he be really that addictive, well, i can't i suppose...

~ Continues another week
was supposedly planned for East Coast Cycling, but da jie and da sao had a bike accident the day before.. then its cancelled :(cries

~Continues on 19/04/2009
We went out today together We had a bright day today, went to Tampinis Safra for a good tann , you'll definately drool over his body, been so long i felt them.. hehe, chicky.. Got to know over casual talks that, Zach is actually single? He'd claim that he's tired of being attached for a long period of time, and that he wants to rest.. but he's having 1 on 1s, not dates, meeting people out for dinner or so... (FuxxXXX around?!) i can feel my heart actually still feels for him whenever he gets close, it certainly does feels good to see him smile again upfront, his killer eyes are so electrifying.. Then to Gelare@ Siglap had a closer observing of him, Putting the sweet ice cream on my lips, lost myself for a second again, hm... why am i still having such strong feelings in him? We seperated as i gotta attend to my own freelance appointments, sigh, hoping the moments could have lasted longer.. Had an enjoyable fun day with them though................

~Continues on 22/04/09
Think my single sided thoughts of you have to stop, its just a silent crush on you i guess.. You no longer have your eyes fixed on me now and your tenderness is no longer mine... We've a new life of our own. My heart is only sufficient for one, and im happy being with gerald now... May you find someone too... The End

~continues on 30th december 2010
Today i just happen to be so free and came across his facebook profile, gee, what an envy to them right now, keeps travelling overseas .. Going taipei for count down... And im still stuck here...

~continues on 8th january 2011
Feels so fan jian, sleeping with his blanket made me so happy...

~continues on 17th january 2011
So happy to have got you started on words app in iphone, we're communicating

~continues on 1st april 2011
Im so please that ive rush down to just see him for that few mins, even the simpliest few words made me melt inside... I admit it feels abit stupid because its actually nothing, just asked him whether he wants drinks, but the few words of communication meant something to me... Id blame myself for getting green tea... Hehe... Nice silvery ring though..

~continues on 17th April 2011,
Aiyo.... so surprised.. 原来他唱起歌来是那么的迷人好听的... 其实在我的脑海里，以前我们在一起时，就算是他唱走音，我也深深的被迷惑了... 我其实真的很珍惜现在，哪怕就算我们是以不同的立场，就算是vincent在也好，我只是想多和你接触而已.. 我其实很高兴当你以为我会建议vincent有去而害怕我不会来时叫我去的那个举动还有当我们分开回家时你会text我说get home safely... 我知道其实也没什么，可是在我心里，这就是我最需要和缺乏的...

~continues on the 18th April 2011
Hehe... i'm like in the clouds, i was joking to him this morning asking him whether did he have nightmare with my voice.. and he replied:
oooooh
*no ah
*u sing pretty well
*at least u can sing in tune
*wasnt a nightmare at all
awgh... so happy.. well.. he didnt quite remember that this is the second time we've been to the KTV together... its okie.. :D

well... out of the blues.. storemans now have to fall in to book out every friday together..
its been quite a while after i become a stay out personelle..
i'd left with my senior car..
well he just drove me the distance out to take a bus to the train station..
but on our way out, i felt so alone all of a sudden..

Having to see my reflection on his car window, beyond was so many awaiting faces..
all the cars waited outside for their children for their lovers..

a flash of the past came to me..
i wonder did he waited for me this way..
that kind of anticipation..

i was so envy at that moment..
my campmates is real lucky to have someone waiting for them..

then i would imagine how nice would it be to have a boyfriend waiting outside for you to fetch you..

wa lao eh.. fuckin shag man..
had out field yesterday the whole day till 3 am..
5 still have tasking.. didn't even get to sleep until 8..
10.30 woke up again for taskin..
shit sia.. lucky i run fast, 12.30 zao lang liao..
haha.. damned the army..
reached home in the afternoon 2.30 went concass liao..
until 6.30 went out with my mum and dad to IKEA

spend a hundred bucks there.. hehe, lesser then my usual..
realised my dad 真的不是个男人...
siam here and there.. like my mum says.. not about the money..
then again i flashed back the moments i had with my ex.. alvin..
there too...
就很像小夫妻在买东西一样,
well well.. just missing him with no feelings..
felt so satisfying.. i finally bought the white fur rug... costing but yet worth it i guess, some more dim lightings..
gosh! really big project hor.. so excited and enthu to finish up my revamp of my room..
then again still alot of paint work to be done..
any hot paint man to do free labour?
haha...

Time really flies.. there goes my precious weekend... hehe...

The major revamp so far..
already started to paint my whole house..
living room to be Champagne color and Magnolia,

Very soothing kinda feel...
i'd actually wanted my room to be 'Spectrum Red'
a very strikin color, but was objected by 'ci xi tai hou'.. she'd say it looks too fierce..
so i had a swap for 'Harmonious Purple'

Gonna draw tribal florals with white and a side of a wall to be designed as the Wall of FAME with the whole wall piece up to alot of thick black frames and my diamonized 'Style-fusion' signage...
Paint my closet white too and fixed on a black wire gauze with black feathers as borders to hang/display all my Blings/Accessories...
A rather big project.. had it planned to be completed before christmas..
will post pictures up yea..!
Theme to be Modern Glamorous, hope it turns out nice...

Not bad afterall for 'The Coffin'...
The story is quite short though..
i find the storyline with Karen's very touchin..
Sad lah..
sigh.. gonna watch it again tomorrow, i was so blur that i'd promise my sistas gang and my family to watch the same movie.. Haha, no choice just go loh..
Next, I am so wanting to go catch:

SAW V!!!
that i've long been waiting for! So far i'd find the previous shows are so good..
not stating the gruesome scenes(I'm not a psycho please!)
But the Storyline is so good!
But so far nobody in my list is willing to go watch with me..
Sigh.. can i not end up like the last 'Pathology' movie..? i'd had to watch it alone.... so cold...

Gosh..
This week really is a damn tired week for me...

had a cohesion on wednesday, bbq on the rooftop of our company line..
damned the preparations.. up and down the fifth storey high building.. ugh! so many stuff to go up... and down after... though that was tiring but it was something new for a get away from the army on the highest ground. Did had alot of fun with the mates.. Haha.. Jerome was so sweet to me, just so confusing whether is he a 'member' too? he tends to be one that will stick to me talkin side by side.. leg to leg, shoulder to shoulder, and i was so lost when he'd say," how good will it be if I have a '*girlfriend' in camp".. there was a slight pause *there.. is that a hint or something? he could have said 'when i'm out of camp' instead of 'in camp' right? remembering one time in store, we were jokin about he ordering me to take some stuff to put back inside but i turned away and he'd hugged me from the back for like 10 seconds mumbling 不要这样啦，不要这样啦... that cheeky fella! didn't even wanna let go until i struggle open from his arms~ i was blushin red already loh.. is this good or is this bad?

Thursday was a fuckin sun tanning day for me as i was appointed to follow outfield as store party for the navigation training in the forest for the commanders..
Sounds nice and cool.. but basically i was like sitting under the fuckin sun since morning 7 till evening 6.. with bloody 'long 4' man.. exposing just my face, neck and my hands, got sun burnt sia.. but its an understanding for me that the specs could also go fuck-dup one loh.. can navigate until 'holland'! no sense of directions.. haha! apart from the sun, i felt so rewarding for my eyes, there were 2 cute leftanants with me, they are so hot.. just imagine this, they are hunkies, half naked dudes lieing on the GS Bench suntanning infront of you, talkin crap and makin you laugh.. awWWWWwww......

Today sucks, although i wasn't put to in-charge of store's preparation for this outfield event, alot of things went cock-up, and the ones who're holding responsibilities ran to no where, ended me becoming scapegoat kena arrow...
shit loh! i was so angry and depressed.. sigh.. what to do.. i must also learn to siam le.. thought after book out not that 'suay' already, got my senior to send me to the station, but gotta follow him home let him bath then set out, I was playin with his shit tzu and a russell came to buah him,(>_<) yeah... the male russell was trying to fuck the male shit tzu.. Bloody gay dogs.. haha..! I see the poor shit tzu so ke lian, so i pushed the russell away, BLOODY-HELL!! his fuckin russell bit 4 deep holes into my thumb takin away a clean chunk of my flesh, my blood was gushin out drippin everywhere loh... hopin tomorrow wouldn't be that hurting when i work with my scissors, got alot of appointments loh... Gosh! So helpless! FUCK YOU DOG! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!

Somebody to embrace and pamper me..
haha, i'm dreaming of course i know!

just came across my mind now and then..
how would things be if i'm having a mr right with me now..?

just a simple normal guy, presentable, sweet and caring..

drive to fetch me from work/camp...

somebody who makes surprises...

makin on decisions..

someone whom i can show my weakness to..

embracing me with comfort..

satisfying my needs..(OOPS!! :S)
那个那个咯... 不用说的太轻触hor...

Aww.... just "HE" wouldn't exist i guess, or rather i'm not that charming to attract such person.. sigh...
Wa kaoz... 真的是在做梦man!

Aha..! god i'm so happy now.. back in my own company line "JAGUAR" in the army..
and for better now, i'm a storeman, granted as a stayout personnel too.. so not too bad.. having so much freedom now.. but i feel i'm geeting abit too slag, gonna maintain my fitness level.. well, will work on it..

My friends.. although i'm kinda missing to the AJ world.. but i've still gotten myself close sistas around, closeys don't really have to see one another often, we keep another in heart apart from our busy lifes..

My family, well, still fuck 'dup..! can't help much though, its always mis-communication here and there, using the wrong tone of voice, not understanding to another though... sigh...

My work.. well, my efforts had been paid off, not saying i'm earning big bucks now, but its all about the skills to gain respect.. i'm humble "yes" but am honoured to be who i am to what i can do.

been tiring, running here and there, one event after another from different catagories.. i will live to my name for success, i must deal with all situations.

Sadly.. i don't know why either that my family isn't some simple family...
we're always individual, not refering only in reality but also mentally.
It makes me so sick of it..
nobody is really trying to understand another..

Is money really that important then the kinship between each?
Please look at the big picture! I'm trying hard to survive here yoz!
as compared to the rest of you, i have to work and NS at the same time, 7 days a week i rarely even get to rest..
all my family members are working full time and they earn much more then i do now but still thinks that i can take out money anytime..

Towards understanding, not even supporting to my morale, i always hate it whenever i book out of camp and i hear the family is in some cold war again, because of what? because in the family, you guys are bored living together.. not enough of communications, HEY! without me you guys can't talk properly? either way not being tactical in handling your way of talking to each other working things out between each other?

My mum is my biggest problem, she is always so stubborn, she likes to isolate herself from others, not having a interest to do something, she is always so negative towards things and worst of all she's always having her own 'assume to be' from her imaginations.. Is she having depression? gosh.. she don't do any house chores

Having to be a guest stylist in Vantage now,
life just seems fuller and fuller..
I'm happy to be there, i will not stop improving myself all because of NS.
Either way learning on hand from customers or self research on the analyst of hair, or even from my beloved sensei who has patiently explaining my every questions,
i'm still finding every possible ways to be better..
not to mention extra income,
means lesser frust..
i have made the promise to myself to keep myself discipline,
work and earn first..
increase my savings and use it to reach for my goals in future..
i will stand firm! I will!
我会加油的！ 加油！加油！YEAH!

Luke, just something i should already confess the truth to you long ago...
i'd still love you yes,
just why didn't i accept your love..
its because on my selfish point of view..
our relationship isn't pure since the beginning..
我真正要的是一段你给不了我纯真的爱情。。
our complications will still be as scars..
trust between us both already been affected...
Thinking to give it another try with you simply just can't feel secure in me.
根本没有动力，再次去接受你。。
Maybe its me that i didn't love you enough,
but to me loving someone doesn't have to own that someone..
seeing him happy is the most important thing of all..
爱一个人不需拥有他。。。

I'd hope you can understand this..
不能理解也就说你还不够了解我。。。


i'm greatly disappointed by you not having to live life right.. now
i'd thought you are different from the others,
be more optimistic in things instead..
but you'd rather be a drunkard drowning yourself..
gosh.. be more sober will ya?
it hurts to see you as a friend that way..

hi hi people..
Firstly sharing some pictures with you guys...
















there there..
i'm finally at ease ...
well well,
i'd declare 3o2 in the army, been through the psych's stuff and all..
and now i'd be posted to be a storeman in the armour camp..
i know its a waste that i'd become a storeman,
but its okie, i don't think i should be that outstanding during my remaining 2 years time, its not somewhere i want to excel my goals in anyways..

i was having a great time in my BMT..
learn alot of new skills too..
all the harsh moments in trainings will be kept remembered..

now gotta face up to another pace of new skill as a storeman..
can't wait till monday to how's it like..

Yea!!! finally the 7 days of tekong outfield trip is over.. just got back home, feeling darn shag...

got alot of experience from the army, be it harshful, pain ones, there are still fun memories gained..

Now back to the usual track, gotta step into workin schedule...
hehe, proud to say that i'm still standing strong..

Well well, i think now is another obstacle in life i've to pull through, am already in the BMT pace..
in anyways, which i always believe in myself that i'm strong, i'm already use to being in the army.. haha.. how proud of myself..

Not only that, i've come in associate to Vantage Salon..
(details in style-fusion.blogspot)
Expanding my 'Style Fusion' business with them
i'm honored as their guest stylist.

well love life, my 3 years ex is trying hard in getting me back..
He has everything, car, condo, cash, lovely puppy, gives you flowers, pamper you, etc etc..
but... huggin him to sleep beside me now seems as though a stranger to me..
Why.... i can't even answer that too.. because of other more potentials courting me now affecting me trying hard to like him back? or is it simply because i didn't wanna give in effort? ugh..

Been so tired, weekdays in camp and weekends in the salon working..
didn't even have enough time to rest..

Next week going to tekong somemore..
7 days of outfield tekan.. lagi worst..

Dieing to POP any sooner..
Hah..

Hey people,
thanks for the concern from many of the prevoius down post...
well in which a way, i've said things clear to "L",
i'd hope he didn't think i was mean, but i felt stupid that's why i got so pissed off...

here's today's cover story,
i'm really glad that i've Vivian as my closest buddy now,
she's a good friend that you can't missed her out,
most important of all, she listens with a heart and understands how another feel in that situation,
its really comforting when both of us motivating one an another..

Next major issue now will be entering National Service,
i'm all prepared to cheong,
I am so eager to move on to the next pace of life,
Learning new skills, getting fit, knowing more people..
:D can't wait...

To blog:
Sorry, I just needed someone , couldn’t find any so I decided to frust on you.

Recently I’ve been engaged in a love triangle…
I was unfortunately the third party..
i thought i can walk away just with my will to.. but i failed to do so.

We started as friends, well he is a potential, i tried resisting because he has a boyfriend, but its so hard to control within.. he'd touched me deep in my heart that i let myself to him..

I thought maybe i can walk away anytime, not until tonight

"L" came to my place feeling low, he broke up with "M"
I should be happy after hearing this but i'm not..
feeling rather confused.. its not because i don't love him,
but i felt sad for "M"
if i didn't enter their story, if it wasn't me, the story wouldn't end this way to them both...

I tried comforting him, he had his dinner here, and we settled down for a while,
not until "M" called..
i was in silent listening to their conversation,
"M" is still lovin him so much i can feel..
"M" wants to see him, "L" keeps rejecting..

I persuaded "L" to hear "M" out, and he did..
i send him away to meet "M"..
"L" told me not to worry,
and he'll be back...

till 1.30 midnight, i've been thinking and thinking, checking on my phone again and again, worrying that he might be under the void deck, since his mobile is dieing on him, i went downstairs to wait..

Waiting is really painful.. staring blank at my phone.. lookin around.. i'm getting more and more worried as the clock ticks.. then i realise i really really need him..

An hour passed and finally i got his message..
He went back with "M"
My tears were no longer in control..
emotions were filling me fast..
i lost to myself..
was i really stupid to give him away?
i brought it upon myself...
i gave him my blessings..

i cooled myself down and returned home..
its 4 in the morning now..
i couldn't get into sleep..
am cracking my head already..
ugh.. this is really torturing..
i cannot scream and i have to stay silent for i am not known..
what should i do...

Hi everyone, it's been a while ever since i'd last blog.. i know..
i've been draggin..
yea..
well, from the compliments that readers of the previous love stories ive posted.. thank you ( in which i deleted, because i thought it's too personal to tell everyone) i've decided to start afresh with my stories again...

Here's today that came across me,
i know everyone for sure have had a bad past in bad relationship,most people have the bad break-up dwell in their hearts, making it more painful as and when remembered.. i'm not going to bring up the sad factor up here but instead.......

what're the most sweet momments that you may have had with your partner, be it now or back then... ( do feel free to tag in the chatbox to share yours, on the right hand cross/ circles navigators )

Now i'm gonna share mine, that has always been on my mind..

i know it may seems awkward to say this but , it was when i was with 'z'..
when we were making out, reaching the climax, he'd suddenly paused and looked me in the eye, whispered softly on my lips the three magic words , " I love you ". (details after which from here censored out, haha!) I know it may seems simple, but that momment has always been in my heart. It's just the right momment......

next was with 'g' , the momment was when i was trying to wake him up on bed in the morning.. i was facing him, leggs bend over sitting on top of him... i thought he was sleeping soundly with no expressions, slowly, he raise his arms to hug me tight to him, soon after, he got hard, saying "you turn me on baby!"... my cheeks were blushed and soften in his tight arms...

one of which, was with another 'z', he'd accompany me on my 17th birthday, the whole night being at east coast beach watching the stars, i'd fell asleep in his arms side by side and he was lookin over me the whole night without any complains... as the sun rises, light shone over us and passerby were looking at us with strange glares, he didn't care about them and silently waiting for me to wake up...

These are just 3 of which i share with you guys, hope i get some interesting ones to read in return too...

to be continued...

For so long i'm growing strong, this is the first major breakdown i have so far ever since my last blog.

I broke down in the shower and cried.
Cried so hard that i lost myself,
I couldn't even support myself to stand,
I couldn't even feel the water splash on my skin.

My mum woke up hearing my cries,
she was worried i know..
after i pulled myself up to get out, she was standing right there, holding both my arms askin, what happen..
i could only broke out into my tears and said nothing else..

i got dressed and ran downstairs, sitting at the playground, tryin hard to have my thoughts cleared. But the more i close each door, the more opens, my head was bursting in great pain. Not until I keep tellin myself i can't be this way,
"I'm always strong!" "I will be!" then i started to cool down and really dwell in deep thoughts of what's going on in my life..

FRAME 1:
I'm workin in JCP marine now as admin on the weekdays, being in the office is really 2 different thing from what i've been doin in the creative industry..
Vic offered me to join in, so at that time last year, i was escapin for a break and decided to try for a change.
I met Jenny, LJ, Rebecca ...
Jenny is from finance, her problem is she herself couldn't handle stress. Not sayin too much stress, but a little more and she tenses up, not knowin how she's treating everyone, Rebecca sees it too. Hard feelings been build up as being friends from there. The best part is she sees it as she's really "The Great". Everything she thinks is right, stubborn and no humbleness at all.
LJ, she's not in reality, her world is moving slow and it's hard to believe her words are true. Her blurness build problems everywhere, Even with the patience me, get annoyed. I've totally gave up neither being as friends nor collegues with her, just another stanger.People may think i'm really that harsh but being friends with her already created alot of unwanted issues.
Rebecca is a good friend.. she can understand what another feels and is patience enough to overlook them.. I really appreciate what you may have spoken words for me.. thank you, you will not be forgotten.
The Job here..
IT SUCKS! i think shouldn't even be called as an admin. Servant or maid should describe better.
1) Personal stuff equals to work?
2) your staff needs respect too. Yes.
3) Spare a thought for them yea? your staff maybe waiting for you to just sign a bloody damn cheque to feed tomorrow ya know!
4) Naz, you've been trying to cover your own ass. Your head is not that big then don't wear such a big hat! Your not wanting to do things build problems to the whole office to be slow or not getting things done. and when the 2 other bosses ask. You push all the things so clean off yourself. Plus you're really using us to do more to your personal stuff.You can't even organize your own personal stuff,then how you organize your work? the whole office doubts you. Whoever say no no , they're just wantin to hide from truth.

FRAME 2:
My sis has been provoking me, giving me attitude and all because i don't like her being sloppy with her boyfriend?

FRAME 3:
Love just doesn't seems to be true at all.
Major people around seems to be more interested in having sex then makin love...
so tired of love now..

FRAME 4
I've been working 7 days a week , weekends with Jean Yip,
I don't get enough rest and even time for my own

* FRAME 2/3/4 was updated after a year 22/04/09 then i decided to post this, was wanting to hide my weakness, so i'd hide this post, saving this post as draft back then

It's at midnight now,
and i'm so hopelessly just to myself..
was deleting mails from accounts and i saw messages that you've sent me back then..

Blame on my stupid fingers to click and view your profile,
found your webby space too..
seen your pictures...

i promise myself not tear for you, ran out to clear my mind,
but it didn't work..
just too much,
tears swell and roll down that fast..
helpless..
i realised i still miss you so much..

actually i did saw you at maxwell the other day,
but i didn't have the courage to acknowledge that you were there..
i'm so afraid that if i were to talk to you,
i may fall deeper..

i've no idea what's wrong with msn too,
msn? don't seems to see you'll be online at all
a change of account?
that' harsh?

i guess, not even praying to God can change all this..
ugh..

well i made this in about a weeks time..
using a wood piece, drilling hole, moulding clays, painting, blah blah blah..
and vwahlah.. i customized her name with this self made photo frame..
it's for sharon, my best collgue, for her birthday..
she's was so surprised..
hehe, i'm so proud of my masterpiece..
Happy Birthday To SharoN~~

Top 10 to wish me Happy birthday..
1-Chris
2-Jessica(Jy)
3-Joanne(Jy)
4-Winston
5-Benny
6-Xiao Shan(Jy)
7-Alan Choo Di di
8-Sharon(Rss)
9-Alex Tan Wee Jek(Rss)
10-Qiu Min(Jy)

Top 10 presents from..
1-a black cross from my collgues , jasmine, cynthia, may, jessica


2-a big ang bao from my manager, leslie (like a father to me..)
3-ang bao from zhen
4-ended with a night at swensen's, surprised me with a lovely cake.. :D he's sweet enough, desmond..

i find this So cool....... it's hard to catch their moves though, if you wanna learn..
hehe..

other then that, recently i went to a collgue's chalet..
although it was just for a night,
but i have had a hell lots of fun with them..
remembering the olden days that i've been to chalets..
yeah~ it's been quite a while..
and so.. the relationship with co's got closer..
a plus point to freshen up myself too..

how i wish that someone could surprise me with a organised chalet for my birthday..
but nah~ i'm dreaming already.. even true.. it hits on the CNY peak seasons.. sigh..
i'm already tied down by work..
no choice..
:(

my idol.. i just love her song..

do you make love or do you have sex?
can you be able to resist sexual temptations?
is pure love really hard to find nowadays?
must things really go that complicated?
anything can really happen within such short time?
even when you 're still on a rebound after a break up?
friend.. you're still findin yourself..
hope you don get dirrty alrighty..:)

i so admire her doing it live, solo..

Recently.. i've been this..
i am reading people's character.. on how,what and why they do or do not do certain things..
maping out their motive to acheive certain issues..
past memories did flash to me..

Recent issues made it more clear to me..
My Ex, been a year ago already, gave me a surprised msg..
wanted me back..
just the third day, he'd say sorry.. he don wanna hurt me again, he knew he couldn't give me time.. and i should pretend nothing has happened?

A 'friend', that i treated him to be a closey, told a stranger that i'm his helper to carry his bags on his shows. even celebrating on a halloween night, i have to do that? Borrowed from him a prop, called me early in the morning to get that? had more then that.Need respect, am no 'slave' FrienD~ i'd rather walk away on this one.

My mum, made me hate my dad, leading me away, and now, they're back together, giving me cold shoulders, she could even lock herself up in the room, stickin irritating notes here and there and she just can't open her mouth to tell me? that's family?

A close buddy, told me he couldn't differentiate what's leadin on and what's not. going home with drunkards, makin scenes, getting more and more people involve, doing actions he ought not to do, making his sad world big and all... have to face his moods and attitude, AND WHAT's THAT?!

i'm a reality bitch, i see YOUr ActionS, i see the level of how selfish people could get to. in the past, i may help, in every situations.. but after i realise i'm doing things, i need not to do, wasting my every minute and my efforts, i'm walkin away for now. i've learned to be selfish for myself for the better.

i'm cold, yes. but that's what people built me up to be.

when i do voice out, i'd still care.
when i'm just listening, i'm observing.
when i walk away, you've no hope.

Halloween Pics, First Day's image
Black



Second Day's image
White

hehe..
i'd found this when i was flipping through some stuff today~
cute right..
think i was 3 or 4 ..

This, i saw when i was on my usual way back in the train just now..
i just find it a very sweet moment that the both couples share..

This caucasian couple(straight), sitting down, the guy had papers with him reading it.. and the gal dozing off,and so he had her head rest on his shoulders.. i saw that guy having difficulties fliping the page but he'd try not to make big movements to wake her up.. but with the train halting force, the gal awakes, soon after the gal had her head lean backwards to the glass panel, she is understanding for the guy to let him read comfortably.. after a while.. the guy finished with his papers and i saw him looking at the girl.. that eyes full of emotions.. and then he'd realise it's their station next stop.. he took closer move and slowly kiss her on the cheek, he looked her in the eye and said "we've reached lovely.." she made a smile and kiss him back on the lips... with the guy carrying her bag and snuggle in each others arms when they alighted..

i don't know how you guys will feel when you'd read this, maybe you would think it's rather normal.. but to me, it's already a rare case already,People with lovers , please do treasure every moment you have together, understanding each other and giving in love as and when is the most important thing... only true love will make sweet momments lasts..

*Ps- sorry ppl if my tagbox's having some trouble shooting, will deal on it asap..

hmm~

are you afraid to be alone too?
i faced the fact that i've to be dependent on myself..
in whatever i do..
I can go to the movies,
I can go to sentosa for a swim if i want,
i can go shopping,
i can go all the way to East Coast Beach just to stroll along the waves,
i can do aLL THIS MYSELF,
can you?
am i growing more individual?
refering to my post on 10th nov 05..
i've tried scavenging, but i lost. am i to stand on guard already?
I'm trying hard to finding myself..