I should learn to be more self aware and stop being so selfish.

i'm sorry>< even though i don't think thats enough D:

i thought i was already sure that my heart won't be shaken, but still D:

sighsss. WHYYYYY. why isn't my heart as disciplined as my brain D:

in other news, mugging sucks

sighs.

but somehow, i realised that I was the only one who could understand myself, and well i pulled through. once again. I don't know if this is good or bad, but allowing myself to fall so hard must be quite bad D:

and i've decided. I'm playing for the love of the game, and not just to be in time. if i'm in or not it doesn't matter, because I love it.

more important things to focus on now, but somehow my heart isn't convinced. I guess I just need time.

Got back tsd and i'm glad to say I got an S and thats how much i need to improve. and acting for groups for the past weeks has been really tiring and I think that I think too much instead of reacting and I'm too kancheong. but the point is that i'm utterly useless at acting and i don't know why I've chosen that as my indiv but ah wells you get the point.

went for table tennis finals and I was very sad that they didn't win D: but watching them play made me want to pick up my bat again but still something is holding me back and I just don't feel like doing it. IE after that was kinda jittery and nerve wrenching for me, because even though i wasn't the one who was running, I could see that my buddy was really nervous and i was afraid of the result (which still happened anyway). I'm really glad that she is such a strong person and can pull through ((: haha

and then teen games was yesterday, and we played really badly for the first 2 matches because we were too tight and nervous, and only played much better during ACJC and with ACSI in the end. the game with ACS I was really really good, like really made me feel what its like to play a good game of ultimate.

and hanging out with the council gang was really interesting and we talked a lot of shit HAHA.

anyway I realised that i tend to think too much through things that I do. Even though i might say i follow my emotions and impulses, the power of my brain is so much so that it controls me even through this impulses, and maybe, just maybe, if I could let go there is so much more I can do. I should just try it later heh.

and I'm starting to notice I'm not as comfortable around people the more I'm with them. Its like I start to realise things that I never seen last time. And I just feel like an ass the more I think about it.

i wonder when i will stop thinking so highly of myself. it may just that everything has been going great for me that I tend to think that, but I guess its really time to wake up and be truthful to myself.

sometimes I feel so freaking powerless, like I really want to help, but I don't know what to do, how to do it. looking at everyone feeling so sad, the only thing i want to do is to cheer them up. but I have no idea what to say. for once, words just won't come out.

maybe I'm too sensitive and think too much, but I guess thats how I live my life. Whats life if I don't live and experience it fully?

but it just makes me feel so useless.

feeling sooooo lucky today omg :DD