This post was sparked by a conversation with a friend tonight. We were texting back and forth and she asked if we planned to dress the kids up for Halloween. (This girl is single and has no kids). I responded yes and that we might go to a few houses to let Chloe trick or treat and then I asked if she had any plans. She said no other than working, but it got me thinking. I haven't been to a Halloween party in years. Since college in fact. JJ and I love Halloween and enjoy decorating the house, or back in the day, going to parties.
I found out I was pregnant in December of 2010, had Chloe in August of 2011, managed to get through my first year as a parent only to find out I was pregnant again in October of 2012 and had Drake in May of 2013. I'm breastfeeding currently and plan to make it as long as I can up to a year. All that to say my social life has taken a major backseat. We're not big partiers to begin with or big drinkers, but still enjoy going out on occasion. I feel like I have many friends, but probably only a handful that I see on a regular basis. There is a core group from high school that get together for things like weddings and babies, but that's about it. Then there is a group that all goes out for First Friday's every month. It started out just being during the summer months but we've kept it going throughout the year and that's usually JJ and I's one time to go out during the month.
We hardly ever eat out, except for First Friday's, and we have yet to hire a babysitter to watch either of our kids. We have one friend who has watched Chloe a couple of times and then both of them once. Now that my dad has moved back we have had him watch the kids a couple of times and JJ's mom has watched them once while he and I went out. That's it.
I guess I'm wondering what a good balance is. I know I need to maintain my friendships with my girlfriends. I know JJ needs to hang out with his friends. I know JJ and I need to go out on dates. I know he and I each need alone time. But how do we make it all work? I hate leaving my kids. Even working part time, I feel guilty thinking about ditching them for a Friday night while I go out. Add on paying for a babysitter on top of whatever entertainment expenses there are, and that makes for an expensive night to be sad about being away from my kids.
How often do you go out? Do you have family or friends nearby that can watch your kid(s) for you or do you hire a babysitter? Have you had someone watch your kids overnight so you can go out and then (gasp) sleep in the next morning?? I see plenty of my friends posting about date nights on FB or on their blogs and I get jealous of their time away, yet I'm too chicken to cut the cord and do it myself. They seem to have found a good balance between being a mom and being themselves. Now if I could just find that balance too...
It is definitely hard figuring out how to balance everything... and I should say it hasn't been very successful over here. Anthony and I almost never have date nights. Actually the few times we have, I think we ended up going with other couples or groups everytime. I am not sure if we have had even one solo date night in almost 2 years. Eeeek! Need to get on that soon. It is something I keep saying we need to try to do. Maybe starting with attempting 1 date a month would be a good start? I know others do it 1 time a week but no way we could with no family here to take care of Lids.
ReplyDeleteW do try to have friends over at least once a month after Lids is asleep... drinks, maybe a game, snacks, that sort of thing. And we do go out to eat almost once a week... but always with Lids.
I NEVER go out on my own with friends :( Anthony goes out every Thursday night with his friends to play pool. Rarely misses a Thursday.. so I am really glad he gets that time.
It is tough to balance. I do feel like most of my time is spent being mum, but I don't really mind. If I am not with Lids or Anthony, I would really prefer that time just for me rather than out with a group of friends. Alone time is precious too I guess! I actually love Thursdays after Lids is asleep and A is out, so I can just watch trashy TV and eat snacks and read blogs :)
I'm realizing alone time is VERY precious now that I rarely get it! I feel bad b/c most of my friends don't have kids yet so they still go out often and I'm "the old one with a family and kids now that never goes out." But I'm OK with that too. I do have fun the few times I do go out, but honestly I'm just fine staying home or bringing my kids along too.
DeleteWe are terrible at balancing other things, but I think we do a good job of balancing personal time. Every weekend Ray goes golfing. He usually leaves at 10:30 and gets home at 2:30. Avery usually naps from 12:00 to 2:30 so he doesn't miss out on much. My stuff is more sporadic . . . .I will do trivia with friends about once a month after work, or I will have a social work obligation once a month or so (usually meetings and then dinner), and will do things on a Sunday afternoon or Saturday night every once on awhile.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of dates, Ray and I go out once a month (sometimes twice). Usually we try to have my parents watch her so it isn't SOOOOO costly, but if we have to, we get a babysitter. These outings usually start at 6 and she is in bed by 8, so we don't feel bad about it, because we aren't missing tons of time.
It is easier with just one and it is even easier now that she isn't a baby. So with a toddler and an infant, your schedule doesn't seem too off. Maybe slowly ease into more outings?
And we are all different, Ray and I each need our time, we need breaks from Avery, from each other. We both know we are better for these breaks. Some people just have more patience, if that is you, then don't feel like you have to go out because the social pressure is to have everything balanced. If your happy place is with the four of you then keep doing what you're doing until something changes!
You seem to have a great balance for your family!! I'm glad you've been able to make it work so everyone's needs are met. I think that's really important.
DeleteWe have yet to find a baby sitter so Jon and I hardly ever go on dates. We are good at doing things on our own though, with our friends. I think we are going to try the "Parents night out" at our gym. Every Friday they watch the kids and provide activities and dinner from 4-8. I'm just not sure Ava would last that long and then they would be calling us during our date to come get her because she's throwing a fit!
ReplyDeleteThat sounds like a great idea! I know a while back we talked about swapping nights and watching the kids so the other couple could go out and we're still up for that if you ever want to try again.
DeleteI 100% struggle with this. We rarely go out or do anything together anymore. We only have one family that we trust with Aiden and luckily they are always willing to watch him, I just hate to ask :-) We have a lot of options as far as friends/places to go out to, so most of the time we just stay home as well too. If I do get out of the house, I always find myself wondering why I don't do it more often. It certainly is a balancing act. I haven't left Callen yet, I haven't introduced a bottle yet, so he's pretty much tied to me for now!
ReplyDeleteI think that's my problem too, I hate to ask. Yeah, Callen is still so young so I can see why that's a good excuse to stay home. :)
DeleteWe never go out- although to be fair we didn't really go out/party it up before we had M either. We are grateful that we both love being home and relaxing with each other- no need to glam it up or pay for someone else to serve us dinner when we can make something really nice ourselves and eat it in sock feet. We have "us time" each night after M is in bed, and while that may not be enough for some couples, it is just what we like. There is a girl up the road who has watched M a few times during the day, but she is just starting out babysitting so we haven't asked her to come at night yet. Hubby goes out about once (occasionally twice) a week either for dinner or eats dinner at home and then heads out with his buddies when I put M to bed. As far as my friends, I don't have that many (haha), but our "thing" lately is a group Bible study once a week- I host it here at 9pm, so we can all be at our respective homes to eat dinner with our families and put our kids to bed, and then everyone comes here and drinks tea and has dessert and we go through our study for that week. We're on week 4, and it has worked great so far!
ReplyDeleteWe didn't really either, I just wonder sometimes if I've missing out on things, ya know? Part of our problem is Chloe stays up just as late as us so we don't usually have "us time" at night. The Bible Study sounds like the perfect way to balance home life and an adult social life too.
DeleteI like to try to have a date night once a month though now that it's hunting season Kristian is gone most Saturdays doing that which kinda sucks for me. Most of my good friends live far away so I only see them a few times a year. We do have family and friends close by that can watch Hunter if we ever want to go out but it's still hard to find the time in between other obligations we have not to mention the expense of it.
ReplyDeleteWe need to focus more on date nights. It comes up ever few months and then before we know it, another few months has gone by and we haven't been on one date.
DeletePregnancy & breastfeeding definitely take a toll on a gal's social life - I think that's just inevitable. I've been in the same boat as you since April 2011, and it's exhausting sometimes to realize that probably 4 yrs of my life will have gone by before my body is MINE again and it's easier to just go out with friends.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, the last few months of Stella being mostly weaned and me not pregnant, I definitely made an effort to get out every other weekend or so with my girlfriends. We're lucky to have friends that are often willing to come to our house for dinner/drinks so that we can put the kid(s) to sleep and keep hanging out, but sometimes you (I!) just need to get OUT, and I honestly never regretted going out for dinner or drinks or dancing or whatever with my friends. I think taking the time to have a couple hours every week or two to myself really helped to recharge me and make me a better, more present parent in the time i WAS home, if that makes sense. Also, Charlie gets out every week or two to golf for 4 hours or go drinking with his buddies or whatever. We both need that break!
I'd like to work on that more, just inviting people over to our house. The only issue with that, although I don't think it's that big of a deal, is we live a good 20 minutes south of most of our friends. And they all have it in their head that it's soooo far away. Well, too bad! If you want to see us, ya gotta come to us! :)
DeleteWhat some of my more veteran moms tell me that we (and you) are currently in what we dub "the blur". Until Drake is about 2 and Chloe 4, you'll find yourself with very little social time, but after that, it gets easier and better. So I just think of it that way. My friends understand and we TRY to get out here and there, but for now and until Alex is 2, we are resolved to being in "the blur". And we are okay with that.
ReplyDeleteWhew, I agree but Chloe being 4 sounds so far away! Although I'll blink and before I know it, she'll be there. It doesn't bother me too much either, it just seems like I've been seeing a lot of my mom friends (usually single ones which kind of surprises me) going out and posting pictures on FB.
DeleteStan and I NEVER go out by ourselves. Honestly. Our trip to Rome a couple weeks ago was the first time we've really had solid time to ourselves. Besides that my mom took Sofia home early from a wedding she was in right around her 1st birthday, so that Stan and I could stay and celebrate, and one other time, while visiting friends in Florida our friend's mom stayed with Sofia and her granddaughter while a number of couples went out to dinner and drinks. But that's it. I don't feel like we have a lacking social life, though; we just add the kids on to whatever we're doing. That's made easier by the fact that our closest friends are Stan's cousins and between the three couples there are 4 (soon to be 5) kids. So we all kinda keep an eye on everyone when we're out. It also helps that kids are more welcome in general in Spain so we still do Saturday lunch-time tapas and beers out, etc. Or we do evenings at someone's house and let the kids run wild and stay up late. ;) On top of that I have a number of mom friends that I meet with during the week either for lunch before getting Sofia from daycare or for playdates after. Kid-friendly (with play areas) coffee shops are popping up more and more here and those are wonderful.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel too much pressure to go out on our own because I do feel like we have quality time at home in the evenings. At least for now we have a couple hours between Sofia's bedtime and our own, so that helps. I'm sure that'll change next year though! So maybe then we'll have to reevaluate...
I think it's great that you're thinking about this, though. It's so easy to sort of just get in a rhythm that is then hard to break out of!
We always bring the kids along too. The one time a month we go out, to that First Friday that I mentioned, they come. And I know people enjoy seeing them, but it would be nice to eat a meal out without bouncing a kid on your lap, or grabbing a glass out of a toddler's hands so she doesn't spill it, or ordering off the kids menu...I think adding in a date night here and there and getting Chloe to go to bed earlier so JJ and I have some us time at night would be good.
DeleteI'm actually a like glad to hear most people here don't get out much with their husband/partner because it seemed like all I read on Facebook was people going on date nights or having a trip away from their kids.
ReplyDeleteWe don't have any family where we live and even though we have friends who are willing to look after the boys, they have small children as well so I feel bad asking them to look after our two.
We haven't been out for dinner in nearly a year (BJ's Christmas party, last year) and I can't remember the last time we had dinner out by ourselves. Once the kids are in bed (after 7pm) the night is ours to talk and hang out so we don't really feel the need for a date night, yet :-)
Good luck with finding your balance. Maybe enjoy the "First Fridays" and see how you go once the kids are a bit older???
Yes! That's part of what sparked this post, were all the pictures I was seeing of friends going out on FB! I'm glad to hear from all of you that it's not just us.
DeleteWe are lucky enough to have Steve's parents right across the street so we can get time together when we need to. But, since moving here we don't have much of a social life because I don't know anyone and there haven't been many chances for me to meet anyone. Maybe try to do date nights at home while the kids are sleeping- movie, dinner, something like that? Not quite as fun as getting out but it might be fun!
ReplyDeleteJJ always jokes that I have yet to make it through a whole movie at home before falling asleep. Sad truth is, he's right! But I get so comfy on the couch, as soon as I lay down, I'm out. Ha! I'm a poor excuse of a date for him.
DeleteApparently, I'm in the minority on this one... When Henry was a couple months old, we left him with his godparents for an evening so we could go to a baseball game (it was the WORLD SERIES, people!). In his two years, he has had overnight stays at both grandparents, at various aunts and uncles' homes, and with his godparents. We're lucky to have a ton of family around us, and that they all badger us for time with Henry.
ReplyDeleteWe spend a lot of time just the three of us, and Hubby and I get a decent amount of time together, and I get a lot of time alone with Henry because of Hubby's hospital schedule, so it feels like a good balance for our family. I think about Henry when I'm not with him, but I'm not sad about missing the time with him because I know how much everyone that he stays with loves him, and I know they're having a great time.
For me - and speaking only for myself - I would be bonkers if my one, single, little kid didn't go spend time with other people every once in a while. Sometimes it makes me feel shitty because other people are like "I have ten kids and I've never missed a second of their lives!" but to each their own, right?
I think it's great that you have so much family around who are willing and able to help. My dad moved back close to us and I've called him on occasion. Just yesterday he came out to the house to watch the kids while JJ painted the exterior of our house. I don't know if it was b/c Chloe knew he was home or if my dad knew he was there and could use him if needed, but my dad basically was no help and JJ got nothing done b/c he was still tending to the kids. I guess reliable family is the key.
DeleteThat's why I work, ha! As much as I love my kids, I couldn't be with them 24/7.