Dying Sucks

Well no shit, captain obvious. 

Let me explain…death sucks.  Dying sucks even more.  I have had my fair share of family members and people who are close to me die.  The three closest people that died while I was old enough to really understand what was going on were my cousin, my grandma on my mom’s side, and my mom.  All three died unexpectedly.  My cousin was a 21 year old Marine killed in Afghanistan.  My grandma was in her 60’s and suffered a heart attack.  And my mom ultimately died of a brain aneurysm at the age of 47.   All three of them really didn’t know what hit them when they died.  And I thank God for that now!  I always said if my mom were still here, I was afraid of her cancer coming back and being torture watching her be sick again.  At least the way she went there was no pain and suffering.  Of course the shock of all of their passings were worse because it was so out of the blue, but we knew it was over quick for them.  I can say that now like it wasn’t any big deal, but man was it hard losing them, especially my mom obviously.  The one downfall in my opinion about someone dying unexpectedly is it doesn’t feel like there is any closure.  You wait by the phone expecting to hear that person call, or come by for a visit, because it’s so foreign that they are actually gone. 

Now the dying part.  My grandma is not doing well.  I looked back through some posts and it was actually March that we had the last scare with her.  I didn’t realize it had been that long.  She quit taking some meds and was told she was in congestive heart failure, which I guess she’s actually had for some time.  I don’t see her that often, she lives about 45 minutes away, but I try and call at least every few weeks and usually see her every few months.  She’s had good days and bad, but overall seemed like she was doing better once she started taking her meds again shortly after going off of them.

It’s no secret she’s ready to go.  She is 92 and has lived a good life.  But it is so damn hard to hear the words “I just want to go to sleep and not wake up” come out of her mouth.  How do you respond to that?  I knew things took a turn for the worse two Wednesdays ago.  My cousin called me to let me know my grandma quit taking her meds again and wasn’t doing well.  My aunt and uncle who live down the street from her took her to the doctor that Friday before and the doctor wanted to admit her to the hospital.  She refused.  She can be a stubborn old lady if she wants to!  She lives at home by herself and will not go to live in any kind of assisted living center.  She wants to die at home. 

She came back home and a hospice nurse stopped by on Monday, again wanting to admit her to the hospital.  She refused.   She wasn’t eating much, nothing sounded good to her.  When we went out for JJ’s birthday dinner, it was close to my grandma’s house, so we decided to stop by on the way.  Surely seeing Chloe would brighten her mood.  I called her the day before to let her know we’d be stopping by and I could barely understand her.  She was short of breath and sounded like her mouth was really dry. 

When we got there on Friday, she wasn’t even dressed, only in a nightgown and robe, no makeup of course, and she sometimes wears a wig, but she didn’t have it on that night.  My grandma always gets dressed so I took that as a bad sign.  She looked so, so tired.  She eeked out a smile or two when she saw Chloe, but didn’t say a whole lot.  She was sitting in her chair in the living room, feet up on the foot stool, head leaning back.  I can’t stand seeing her like that.  JJ tries to stay positive and say that she could live another 10 years, but after seeing her that night, he agreed she’ll be lucky to last another 10 days.  (Not really, but you know what I mean).   I tried to stay upbeat as I was talking to her and JJ was walking around with Chloe (she hadn’t seen Chloe walk yet).  I asked why she felt so bad, I played dumb that I didn’t know she wasn’t taking her meds, and she said “I’m not eating, nothing sounds good.”  She went on to say, “I’m ready to go but it’s just not working.”  That had to make me laugh, and my response to her was if it’s not your time, it’s not your time.

We didn’t have all that long before we needed to leave for dinner, but honestly it was long enough for me.  She didn’t offer to hold Chloe like she normally does, she was so exhausted and it was hard for her to talk.  Again, her mouth sounded so dry, a few times she had to take a drink so she could finish her sentence.  We all gave her a kiss and told her to hang in there.

The next day, after meeting Jenn and her family at the zoo, I got a text from my aunt.  My grandma had called an ambulance to come take her to the hospital.  I don’t know what made her finally decide to ask for help, maybe she realized it wasn’t her time, so if she was going to be around for a while, she’d need some help to feel better, who knows.  Apparently she has a kidney infection that she’s been dealing with and thought was gone but it’s not, but the main reason she went was so she could arrange for at-home care 24/7.  I guess you can’t just request that, it has to be something ordered while you are at the hospital?  Sneaky grandma. J  Since this was a Saturday, she wasn’t able to make any arrangements over the weekend, so she stayed in the hospital.  I was told she was more alert and feeling a little better.

I spoke with her Monday and thank goodness she sounded better.  A nurse came in so we didn’t have long to talk, but my dad went to visit her yesterday and ended up getting to take her home.  She has hospice care coming to the house and my aunt is looking into more of a live-in nurse for my grandma.  I don’t know what the future holds for her, but I sure hope she perks back up again, and gets her wish of going peacefully in her sleep.  In the meantime though, this talk of dying, bouts of bad health and not taking medicine, sure is taking its toll on the family.