We're Struggling

I think it was hard for us to both admit it, but we are struggling.  As a couple.  As husband and wife.  And how to balance that now being parents.  It's something we have both noticed over the last couple months, but were either too busy to mention it or didn't know how to bring it up.  It actually came up on our trip this past weekend when we saw how my brother and his girlfriend interacted with each other.  JJ and I miss that.  We miss holding hands, or laying on the couch together.  We miss flirting back and forth and the occasional ass grab.  We miss the intimacy we once had.  We miss the one on one time we used to put into each other and our relationship.

The words were even spoken that sometimes we just feel like Chloe's parents.  Not husband and wife anymore.  That scares me to death and I want to fix it.  I don't want to just be Chloe's parents.  I want to be JJ's wife, and for him to be my husband.  Don't get me wrong, we love each other and are in this for the long haul, but something is missing.  When we used to have the evenings to ourselves, now they are filled with caring for a baby.  When we used to go for a walk with the dog and hold hands, now one of us has the dogs and the other has the stroller.  When we used to just decide on a whim to go out for a date, now we can't/don't because we don't have a sitter for Chloe.  We can't imagine our lives without the other one in it, but only 4 years into marriage it shouldn't be like this.

Enough with the excuses of "oh I'm tired" or "we have too much to do," "or we don't have enough money for a sitter AND to go out," we just need to do it.  I don't know how, but we are going to change things and make a very conscience effort to get our relationship back on track where we want it to be.

Have you struggled with the balance of being new parents and keeping your relationship strong?  Some of you have done a great job and I am jealous of that.  Maybe others struggle silently, or others have found the tricks that work.  Any fun ideas you've come up with?  I'm taking a day off work in a few weeks, and Chloe is going to the sitter, but JJ is staying home from the restaurant.  We are having a whole day devoted to the two of us.  I can't wait!

Our First Vacation with Chloe...And Maybe Our Last

The title of this post gives you an idea of what we experienced during our first vacation with Chloe.  We had some ups, and we had some downs.  We left Friday afternoon to go to the Oz.arks for the holiday weekend and a wedding Saturday night.  The drive from our house is about 3 hours, so we thought it’d be easy peasy.  She did OK in the car for a while, but if I remember correctly, she started to fuss at various points in the car.  It wasn’t anything too terrible though.  JJ, Chloe and I were all coming together, my brother was coming with the jet ski, my brother’s girlfriend was coming from St. Lou.is, and my dad and his wife ended up not coming down until Saturday which was a last minute change.  So we were all coming from different directions at different times.  We got to the condo first, got our car unpacked and waited around for my brother.   

We made it!  Our first vacation!

Chloe and daddy

Just as he was getting there, JJ had to deal with restaurant drama regarding an employee he let go last week.  The employee had been texting him about her pay check and then she called.  I told him to answer it, but didn’t realize what an ordeal it would turn into. 

My brother called saying he was there, so I grabbed Chloe, yelled to JJ to get in the car and we went to meet him to drop the jet ski in the water.  Once we got to the ramp, that’s when JJ realized what we were doing.  He said had he known he would have changed clothes so he didn’t get wet when riding the jet ski back to the lift.  Oops.  Then we realized there was no gas in the jet ski.  So off we went to the nearest gas station.  We finally got the jet ski in the water and I went to pick up pizza.  I had Chloe with me and for some reason she was screaming in the car!  The whole time.  She has never done that before, and since I just grabbed her at the condo real quick I didn’t bring her diaper bag or pacifier.  When we got to the pizza place, she was covered with tears, but she eeked out a few smiles for the workers and they were nice and carried the pizza out to my car.  As soon as she was back in the car seat the screaming began again.  JJ was trying to call me at the same time asking which lift we were supposed to use.  I had no idea, and with a screaming baby in the back, I was either going to start crying or I had to laugh.  Once I got back to the condo, they had found the lift, but the on/off button had a lock on it and we couldn’t reach the owners to tell us the combo for the lock.  At this point it was well past dark, there are no lights on the jet ski, so we decided to just tie it up in a boat slip.  And we thought the night couldn’t get any worse…

We put Chloe to bed about 10 in our room in the pack n play.  She wasn’t having it.  I don’t know what the deal was, so we just went to bed and let her sleep with us.  I think we might have gotten some sleep initially, but she kept waking up fussing, crying, rolling, you name it, she was doing it.  I was so frustrated!!  From 2 – 4 am we were up with her and could not figure out what was wrong.  We were so close to packing up and going home, which I know makes no sense, but we didn’t know what else to do.  She did have a dirty diaper which we changed, and then JJ had the idea to put her in the pack n play in the bathroom.  Brilliant!  It worked!  With a clean diaper and her own room, she was out within minutes.  JJ and I on the other hand were so frazzled, it took us a while to fall back to sleep. 

I woke up about 7 am and decided to take the jet ski out.  I needed to get out on the water, alone, and just have some peace and quiet.  It was beautiful.  There were not many people out, the water was so smooth, it was a cool morning as the sun came up, just an all-around great way to start the day.   

Once Chloe got up (about 11:15 am) we fed her and went to the pool.  She loved it!  While we were there, my dad and Nina arrived.  They came down to the pool after getting their car unloaded, but we had already been out there about 45 minutes and it was right in the middle of a 90+ degree day, so we didn’t want Chloe out too long.  We took her back up to the condo for a nap, and JJ and I decided that was a good idea for us as well.  

 

Once we all woke up, JJ and I got ready for the wedding we were going to.  My dad and Nina were going to watch Chloe while we were there so we had a baby-free night.  They had plans to go to dinner, and I was a bit worried because she’d miss her evening nap, but apparently she did great.  We even figured out she loves oranges.  

My brother sent me a text along with this picture while we were at the wedding.

Before we left for the wedding

The wedding was beautiful.  It was on the rooftop of The Lodge down at the lake.  It was extremely hot, but still a wonderful ceremony.  There had been a fire a few months prior which took the reception room out of service, so not only was the ceremony outside, but so was the dinner and reception.  I felt so sorry for all the guys in suits, but luckily once the sun went down it was a bit more tolerable.   

There were several people at the wedding who hadn’t met Chloe and wanted to, so I called my dad and had him bring her up.  I figured we’d only stay a minute since at this point it was 8:45 and she still hadn’t slept, but once she got there, she became the life of the party.  She was passed around, we danced, she might have even had a few bites of wedding cake…

 We had some reception entertainment :)

 High school friends

We finally decided we needed to get her home at 10:00, but we couldn’t go home without getting ice cream first.  As soon as we turned back out onto the main road, it was stopped traffic.  It seemed odd, and once we sat there for about 20 minutes, we finally made it up to the cop directing traffic who told us the road was closed due to a fire.  Great.  We still went for ice cream, but didn’t get back to the condo until about 11:00.  Chloe passed right out which is what we were hoping for.  Saturday was a MUCH better day than the one before.

Sunday morning my dad got up early to take the jet ski out.  I was going to go out after him, but once he got back he said I needed to get gas.  Too bad not many gas stations on the water are open at 8 am.  I went ahead and tied up the jet ski after being out for about 15 minutes on the water, and went back up to the condo.  We all decided to go to the outlet mall first thing, so once everyone was up and ready, that’s where we headed.  I think each of us managed to buy a few things, and it’s just a tradition to go every time we’re down there.  When we got back, Chloe went down for a nap and we started packing.  My dad and Nina went ahead and left; they wanted to stop by a friend’s house before heading home.  The plan for us was to go to the pool one last time and then hit the road about 4:30.  Let’s just say I don’t think we ended up leaving until about 7:30. 

There is a salt water taffy place we go to every time we are at the lake too.  We realized as we were packing we still needed to go but we had two issues; 1) it was at the opposite end of the lake from how we were getting home, and 2) there was no place to park with us towing the jet ski.  We decided to go get taffy, and then we’d come back and mess with the jet ski so that set us behind.  We got back, loaded up the car, and my brother and his girlfriend helped us with the jet ski.  That didn’t take too much time, and then we were on the road.  There are a lot of new highways open down at the lake now, so when the Garmin sent us the opposite direction of where I thought we were supposed to go, JJ said it was fine, and we’d just go where it told us to.  I knew it didn’t seem right, and it wasn’t.  We had to drive back to Clinton to drop off the jet ski rather than come straight home, and the way we started off was opposite of where we needed to go.  It probably took us an extra 30 minutes.  And on top of that, Chloe was not having it!!  She seriously cried almost the entire way home.  I had to sit in the back with her most of the trip, and even then she wasn’t happy.  She was so past the point of being tired, but she was just fighting it tooth and nail.  I gave her a bottle, gave her some puffs, we pulled over and changed her diaper, gave her toys, nothing seemed to work. 

We had to stop by my dad’s house in KC to pick up our dogs and my car and it was all I could do to jump out of the car and just stretch in silence for a minute.  Of course as soon as she was out of the car she was all smiles and giggling for Dave and playing with her puppies.  I took first dibs on driving back in the car without Chloe so I could have some peace and quiet.  After talking to Dave for a while, we loaded up one last time and finally were headed home.  We got there about midnight, put Chloe right to bed (oh, and she fell asleep as soon as we backed out of my dad’s driveway while JJ was driving, go figure), we unloaded a few things, and we passed out ourselves.  So yeah, our first vacation with Chloe didn’t quite go how we expected.  The first night and the car ride were basically nightmares, but the rest of the time was great.  I did tell JJ traveling with a baby you have a lot of downtime.  When we could be shopping or doing other things, we were watching tv in the condo while she took a nap.  Of course we’ll go on vacation again, lots I’m sure, but I’m just glad to have this first one under our belt now. 

Photo Dump

It's been a while since I've posted random photos of our life.  Looking back on these pictures you can really see Chloe's personality shining through.  She is such a funny kid and has so many different faces.  I swear every day she comes up with a new one.  These days her favorite thing is to spit (or make the fart noise as we like to say), and not only does she soak her shirt, she makes hilarious faces in the process.  I never want to forget this stage, and these pictures are a great way to remember.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rewind

On this day 10 years ago I was doing this...

graduating from high school.  Man that makes me feel old! 

The Circle Of Life

Friday evening I learned that a girl I went to high school with lost her husband.  He was on his third tour of duty in Afghanistan, set to come home for a vacation in just a matter of days, when she was at home and had two soldiers pull up in a government vehicle.  Everyone knows it's never a good thing to have a family member deployed and a government vehicle pull up in front of your house.  Not only is she now a widow at the age of 25, her husband also left behind their 9 month old daughter.  She is just a week older than Chloe.  My heart sank as I read the news and cannot for the life of me wrap my head around what she is going through.  She already flew out of town this morning to be there when his body arrived back state side today.

This morning my family met for breakfast and our annual trip to the cemeteries for the Memorial Day holiday.  We go every year and put flowers down for those family members that have passed.  Last Memorial Day my mom's grave looked like this...

And this year, this is what it looked like...

Sweet Chloe was with us.  I thought I might get a little emotional, but I didn't get a chance to.  JJ got called into work while we were there so we had to abruptly say our goodbyes and leave.

After the cemeteries I had a baby shower to go to.  I hadn't planned on taking Chloe, but since JJ had to work, my only option was to bring her with me.  We left the house that morning at 9:15 and she hadn't slept at all so I was expecting to just drop off my gift and leave, but Chloe actually did amazing.  We were there for 2 1/2 hours and she did so good, she let me enjoy some time with friends, spoil our friend who is pregnant with her first son, and of course she liked to be passed around among everyone. 

It's just crazy to think about how the weekend started, with a very unfortunate passing of a young husband and father, then visiting my mom and Chloe's grandma who left us way too early, but having Chloe there with us this year was very special, and then to go straight to a baby shower, it just all came full circle. 

A Pain in the Neck

I wrote about a pain in the butt a while back, well Chloe had a pain in the butt.  Now I have a pain in my neck – in the form of scoliosis.  I had no idea you could have scoliosis that high.  I’ve always had sore backs but don’t we all?  It used to be my lower back, but for the last several years I’ve dealt with neck pain on the right side which often led to headaches.  I thought it was fairly normal to get headaches multiple times a week.  I guess I was wrong.  While we were TTC I saw a chiropractor for a free introductory session.  My main worry at the time was infertility, but he took some x-rays and I noticed just a slight curve in my lower back.  I didn’t think too much of it and never went back to the guy.

Fast forward to about a month ago.  I’ve been having shooting pain down my chest and my back on the right side, almost like a pinched nerve.  The aching pain was constant, which is something I wasn’t used to.  Our old neighbor Dave is a chiropractor and JJ finally convinced me to go in and see him, and let him take some more x-rays.  I did that last week and that’s when we saw the scoliosis in my neck.  It’s not a major case of it, but you can definitely see the curve and that is what is probably giving me the pain in my neck.  It’s compressed on the right side, so it all makes sense.  He wrote out a plan on how he wanted to treat me.  Before taking the x-rays he thought maybe I’d just have to come into the office once a week and then he could adjust me at home (he’s the one who lives at my dad’s house now) on Tuesdays during lunch because he only works a half day.  But after seeing the x-rays he wanted me adjusted at least three times a week for about a month. 

I’m new to the whole world of chiropractic care, but I’m not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel yet.  He’s warned me that it will take every bit of three weeks or so to get to the relief stage but damn!  I leave there more sore than I came most days.  He has a really hard time adjusting my upper back and neck due to scar tissue (thank you cheerleading) and the curve in my neck, but my lower back adjusts like crazy.  The adjustments are no joke though, you really have to dedicate some time to getting yourself back to where you need to be.  He said he doesn’t think he can get my neck perfectly straight, but definitely thinks he can improve it.  If I can get rid of the constant pain and some of the headaches, I’m all for it.  In the meantime, I’m taking full advantage of the time I get on the massage chair every session.  That chair is heavenly. 

Never "Normal"

Mother's Day will never be "normal" to me.  After losing my mom six years ago, I felt like I had nothing to celebrate.  Mother's Day was a reminder of what I had lost.  Seeing all the families out celebrating their mom over brunch just made me so sad that I would never get the opportunity to do that with my own mom again.  Then a few years later came the pain of IF and wondering if I would ever have the chance to celebrate Mother's Day as a mom myself.  So add on all the pregnant bellies and little kids hand-making their mom's gifts and this day really started to suck.

But then last year I had a 6-month baby bump and was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, that maybe I would actually start to enjoy Mother's Day again.  I didn't really celebrate last year although a few people told me "Happy Mother's Day", I didn't feel like a real mom yet.  Now fast forward to yesterday, and I was able to experience my first real Mother's Day.  We didn't go crazy, no bells and whistles, just a reminder of what truly matters...my little family.

I had wanted to go to the Arboretum near our house and decided yesterday was the perfect day.  Seems everyone else had the same idea too, but for as crowded as the parking lot was, the trails were so quiet and peaceful.  It was a beautiful place to just walk around.  There were miles of trails lined by tall trees, there were small waterfalls, a few ponds, lots of flowers and plants.  It was great.

We came home and Chloe took a nap.  I laid down on the couch myself, and saw JJ bring down some pillows.  He asked if I was ready for a foot massage.  Uh...heck yeah!  He gave me about an hour foot massage and it was great.  We ended the day outside, JJ working in the yard, and me hanging on tight to the one that made this day possible...Chloe.  

I will never forget my mom and the pain of not having her here anymore.  I will never forget the IF pain and the fear of the unknown, would I ever get to be a mom.  I will never forget those that are still waiting for their miracles.  But little by little, this day has become more positive than negative and I am so grateful for everything that I have.