I miss the girls a lot but there are things that weren't change.
I have said hurtful things to them right from the beginning and there's no way this can ever be repaired again...
I hate to explain myself for anything that I have done and I tried to this time. It came to a point that whatever I say or do will come across more negative than positive. If I am in their shoes, I will wonder if this girl is truly remorseful at all. As a result, I made an conscious effort to stay away from them. No matter how sorry I feel that I have messed up, it's just never enough in my own eyes.
Seriously, 11 years of friendship going down the drain is not funny at all. It feels like a break up. Really awful if you need to know... it's like everytime I pass by certain places, I will suddenly remember something from before or at a certain restaurant, I will remembered where we have sat before, the food we have ordered etc. Some memories are carved so deep inside that it is impossible to erase but to remember that such moments will never occur again..
Without them, quite a few times when I laugh in a group, there will be a moment that I wonder if I am really laughing. Am I really that happy? Nope, and I stopped laughing..
I guess only by this way will that ease my guilt towards these girls...
