i forget how much i miss this. to empty my mind onto a blank page. with total disregard for grammar. i wish you were here, but if you were i wouldn't be here. i'd be with you. with you for another empty conversation and mindless surfing. this is better.
i haven't gotten to be just myself for awhile. despite the fact that you were never here. strange really. my routine hasn't changed all that much, which goes to show how little of you there really was in my life. but like i said, its like something in my foundation has shifted. something monumental but indiscernible, like how we're tearing through the galaxy at more than 100,000km and hour but no one feels it. something like that.
i want my bedsheets back.
1:15 AM
Thursday, December 08, 2011
hello again, old friend. quiet night, the sound of two tiny goldfish hearts beating. no sound from mine, or maybe i just can't hear it anymore. death is not a singular event, but a quiet collection of heart breaks and disappointments. the band will keep playing, and it will bring hope. its okay if i can't hear them. my heart is still. one day i will wake, i promise. my heart will again beat like a bass line, and i will again be happy that i met you.
2:57 AM
Thursday, October 28, 2010
quiet battle of wills, the fact that i'm here means i lost, kinda, 2 hour nap in the afternoon, BBT, and other indulgences, all instead of what i'm supposed to be doing. i found something new to be afraid of, because you know, its important to know what scares you, and its this, sucking at what you do. i'd like to be awesome, in this career, or the next, as long as i find it eventually. lately, people have been telling me that i haven't found myself yet. that banking is all wrong for me cause i'm not that person. whatever that person means. i'd like to take my chances, whenever i can, and wherever i can, and i think banking still sounds pretty good to be, so thank you very much, but no thanks. i gave up doctoring, and writing, and all those other noble professions, cause it turns out, i'm not that person either. and i know you're not supposed to, but i'll still say it, those can wait, and maybe its ok to just be pragmatic, rather than take your chances, even if it is considered less courageous, but i'm done being courageous. nobody talks about the flip side of the coin. yes, sometimes when you fall you fly, but sometimes, you just fall, and being afraid of that is okay. its just, okay.
12:14 PM
Friday, August 13, 2010
i'd like to move, but this place holds too many memories, and i always have been this nauseatingly sentimental.
i had something to say , but i forgot. oh right, something about how only how 9/10 writers are depressed (don't check the stats, i made it up, because all is such as sweeping statement)
perhaps i should say something about how life is really good right now, but boring doesn't sell. when you're a writer is way easier if you're angry or sad, funny how really happy doesn't cut it.
but if happy/boring means i have nothing to say then so be it.
its good being happy (:
1:15 AM
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
temporary, fleeting, pointless i'll be home before too soon. everything wouldn't matter, i'll probably never see them again, and that's okay.
i've got all that i need.
4:50 PM
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
rant:
i hate it when people have no basic courtesy, and usually its damn americans and their self entitled attitude. the next time i hear anybody from here criticize other countries for their human rights record, i'd like them to be more insular with their criticism - that and living in a suburb should be a violation of human rights. the next time i hear some international declare their an american and ask me WHY i am asking them if they are international i'll probably hit them. oh how i hate whitewashed blackdyed half cooked ignorants. this area is a bloody breeding ground.
its california. where are all the asians who actually like being asian?
6:17 AM
Monday, November 16, 2009
studying in the small hours of the morning when it is, quiet, soundless silence of the room, a bubble in which i reside with a book under a table lamp, highlighter at hand, trying to ignore the blinks of my screen. it is in these quiet hours that i find, i miss you. now that the ruckus of the day has been left to hang with the sun, in some suspended other daytime, elsewhere, elsewhere where you are. elsewhere which isn't here, that you really aren't here with me, despite how convincing modern day technology can be. that you and i have become no more than a two dimensional movement on a screen. add that to your almost complete inability to just tell me quite simply, that perhaps you actually do miss me, and my complete inability to take into account the number of hours we spend each day just staring at the blinking screen, and suddenly, quite suddenly our love has bled to monochrome.
well then, my monochrome love, a poem maybe to return this dull grey monotony to whence it came?
come back to me.
4:06 PM
Saturday, November 14, 2009
when my love swears that she is made of truth, i do believe her, though i know she lies, that she might think me some untutored youth, unlearned in the world's false subtleties. thus vainly thinking that she thinks me young, although she knows my days are past the best, simply i credit her false-speaking tongue: on both sides thus is simple truth suppressed. but wherefore says she not she is unjust? and wherefore say not that i am old? oh, love's best habit is in seeming trust, and age in love loves not to have years told. therefore i lie with her and she with me, and in our faults by lies we flattered be.
the bard, sonnet 138
6:43 PM
Saturday, October 31, 2009
not talking you makes me paranoid and crazy. you suck.
honestly, i sometimes wonder how my brother and i are related
- that and no more sharing itunes.
7:22 AM
Saturday, October 24, 2009
another collection
friends rolling cigarettes with some extra kick. it ends up looking more like a tampon than something you'd like to put in your mouth. days spent in the car, shot gun then at the back curled up in fetal position. we stopped by for spring rolls, but that was just a dream. venice beach, its endless artistic wonders. the best of america is from asia. tired. didn't managed to get much sleep last night. listened to yinghan's clock ticking from the far side of the bed against the wall. tried to steal blankets but failed. 3 in the morning till dawn. it was a pretty sunset. all nice and glowy - orange, pink, then a fire red that lifted to blue.
i dreamt you left me, and awoke to find it was true. i should run, i really should, but how far, and for how long before i boomerang back to you. its silly to kinda sit around and wait for you to break me again, right? right. all wrong with my kinds of persistence. should have just let you fall back into your well of settling. let you settle to the bottom of the deep dark water and stare up at the sky - all blue and circular - not in single star in sight. i'd be on the other side, the flip side of your coin, the dark side of the moon, intangible, unreachable. you're going to be so hard to get over.
arguements with friends that just do not need to happen. its true, you're either human or dancer. hard to pick, isn't it. needless. cowering under blankets during and thunderstorm kind of needless. four hundred spoons when all you need is a knife kind of useless. umbrella on a clear cool day. not a single corkscrew. zimbabwean money. a left sock. you.
retineration of hating homosapiens. my friends will all be some kind of animal. i'd like a ferret. we would have had a zoo, but then reality pushed its way in.
delerium nocturnum - i love my pink belgian elephants. since 1654 no less.
i should sleep.
12:58 PM
Friday, October 23, 2009
why is it just about right now, i feel like i need to run in the opposite direction as far as i can, as fast as i can?
i've decided that this is the best way of getting rid of my frustrations. since, its not socially acceptable to yell at people because i feel like it - and i've been feeling like it a lot.
i hate people
and that statement may not be true, but its exactly what i'm feeling right now.
all people are selfish some people more selfish than others ( funny this reads like all people are equal )
da da da dummmmm finally, a common denominator!
hermits, i understand you. completely. you have my empathy.
people. a list of transgressions in my life of late.
1) aiding and abetting malicious rumours
a) people who do not get their facts right ( rather stupid people i might add who get involved in situations that are none of their business. oh right, i'm sorry i forgot you are american, and therefore believe its your job to police all things, even if you don't know head or tail of the situation. typical) i apologize for being surprised. b) just outright unforgivable complete lack of self control. i should stop talking to people who have an inability to keep their big mouth shut.
2) not wearing pants to go to sleep (you should ask me this one is really entertaining)
3) breaking/ hang on wait no/ doing the exact opposite of what was promised
4) sheer ignorance and stupidity. it really is true, the only cure is death. if you don't know what you're talking about please just don't speak. its not necessary to add to the body count of intelligence.
5) the next person who invades my personal space on the dance floor will be destroyed
a) ala the hapless male who decided to pour his drink on me and to "make light of the situation" say its my fault. this kind of behavior will be dealt with swiftly. in this case it was simply pouring the drink over his head. if the first time was my fault, this time it was most definitely his.
people should learn not to mess with me. especially now, because my patience is non-existent.
10:53 PM
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
hope found through an unlikely connection. gratitude from relations past, there are some who have the ability to love. it's rare and most times fleeting, but I would rather believe it exists and get hurt trying to find it then never have the opportunity to experience it first hand. I feel like I have changed, and hopefully this time, it's for the better.
12:19 AM
Friday, September 18, 2009
7:06 AM
Thursday, September 03, 2009
sam's leaving.
2:05 PM
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
exhaustion creeps like too much mead through my veins. my senses are dull, my actions sluggish. my mind, my mind is a million miles behind. the LA sprawl, in and out the streets run, the shops stare at the masked people that live there.
this city is, not home and yet there is a sense of kindred i have loved ones here. i have love ones that have grown to love this place and i stop to think, just for a little while if they can then it couldn't hurt to try for now.
-
天黑人静 你不在我身边 我想北京 我想麻辣烫 我想肉肉 我想再跟你到处散步 我想我想我 想你
2:35 PM
Thursday, August 06, 2009
more than ever, i don't want to leave.
9:19 AM
Friday, July 10, 2009
so i can't really sleep because i feel if i do then beijing will just slip through my fingers and disappear. beijing is so damn awesome i have no words. i want to live here. i want a scooter. i think my teacher is awesome. i get to see beijing. i get to get credits. i live in a reallyREALLYreally nice apartment. there is good food everywhere. almost everything is within budget. i can never live in america again. i'm going to probably implode when i get back. no scratch that i'm just going to come back to beijing. yes beijing is dirty, some toilets are ridiculous, but i've figured out how to squat (yay me), people can be rude, drivers are insane, but somehow its all okay. did i mention i love beijing, and they sell i heart BJ tshirts which just entertains me - that and chinglish. ally bought one that said "jumping on streams of people, escope for herell" bai2cai4 is somehow called "fried rape", we should all not step on grass because its "smiling at you". i'm in love. i don't want to leave.
crashing on the couch in the library with a hoodie pulled over my eyes and a sweater covering my feet is something i'm not planning on doing again anytime soon. arndt should have asked us about ricardian equivalence. i feel cheated.
i spent 5 seconds dancing around my room like a maniac, air pumped and mouthed 'i'm done' to people i passed, cycled down to the village to get celebratory guinness, and watched rules of attraction.
a good day, a first in awhile. (:
5:22 PM
being this beautiful should be illegal
5:16 PM
by far the most messed up movie i've seen.
3:58 PM
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
dreams, reality, i sometimes think i can't tell the difference anymore. you know the moments were you're dreaming but it feels so real , like when in your head somebody is explaining an accounting problem from class except that its not quite the right concept and your head hurts a little because the person explaining is actually in your government class, and that makes no sense because you dropped your government class 2 months ago.
just like that. that's where my head is at.
-
i have no more constraints, no more control. i just want to let it all go, and this time no opting out. i have to get through this and go home.
2:31 AM
Monday, April 06, 2009
omg
1:54 PM
the weekend was a good one. there was poker, prawn mee, and friends. (:
its been more difficult to translate thoughts into words for a good period of time now. i've been struggling but the fact that i am back here and trying to say something means that things are getting better. i haven't been myself lately, but i'm working on it. j version 3.0 coming back right up.
9:47 AM
Sunday, March 08, 2009
so write you said, and i do because i'm so obedient that way, and i'm glad that i've met you because, like i said - i haven't met anyone that has felt that much like home in awhile - even if i don't exactly don't know what that means. and i know you'll be there for me, which is awesome, and i can't say i've been able to say this about anyone in a long time because distance and time and space are rascals. and i know that one for their favorite games is tag you're it, but i know when i'm not looking it plays more like hide and seek, because i've stopped looking for just one second and everybody is gone, and i haven't realized who just yet. its just this missing i do, and something is missing, and i haven't quite put my finger on it, but i'm glad you're here, and you keep me sane.
2:47 PM
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
that i would find a lightning bolt at the bottom of my coffee mug and with just the right kind of anxiety transform dread into delirium. yes, the manic side of depressive is back and even if insomnia were to become my best friend, i don't think 'd let her go.
3:32 PM
Saturday, February 14, 2009
capture my imagination, will you, please?
4:03 PM
Friday, January 23, 2009
i'm in the mood for spontaneous. i'm in the mood for moderate madness, for unbridled honesty, for simplicity. i'm in the mood for a Guinness with a friend that comes with an instant connection 3-in-1 mix. (honesty, strange, gaiman) i miss you my dear friend, my fellow conspirator, my chiral deviant. we were going to rule the world, but we got lost in the details. i'd call you right now but its 4:31 am. small hour morning, not okay.
i want to regress, so i will, and i will try to stop calling them children (it comes with the part about regressing, a pre-requsite as you will, and it is just about as appetizing to me as having to give up brie) i suppose that also means i have to start taking a real interest in them kids, sorry, peers.
peers, piers, pierce.
and thank god i'm finally tired enough to sleep.
6:23 PM
i suppose only damien is allowed to be this devastatingly depressive.
5:02 PM
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
so i know i'll call you when you're having another one of your identity crises, and i'll help you join the missing dots. you'll tell me how you're goin to make it big this time, and i'll say yeah, right, and you'd say, no really, this times the one. i can feel it. it'll be over the phone, not coffee, because there's hardly any time - that snakey bastard, but i'd say ts not entirely his fault, because i'm just about 8774 miles away, which is 14120.384256000001 kilometers, and so its not really your fault we can't meet up. i'd say something, like you know, if you reallllllly loved me, you'd be in a boat crossing the sea, but we both know that you'd probably end up in Africa instead of America, so you wouldn't, and since teleportations hasn't quite been invented yet, even though i heard a rumor ( no i swear) when i was in an irish pub down by tanjong pagar that we've almost got it except that they keep jumbling people up with the insides or sending them off in all the wrong places, so i can't make you zap here. we'd just sit it out, and wait for time to pass by dragging his feet, and it take awhile, but i'll be back, and you'd change, like you always do, and i'd just have to be content with that, because you're home anyway.
-
11:09 PM
Monday, January 12, 2009
i know i'm leaving soon when..
my brother starts hugging me for no reason.
so cute, that one (:
12:18 AM
Saturday, January 10, 2009
yeah yeah they're out masquerading. she trying to be you trying to be him trying to be me trying to be you, except not really you, just your chiral deviant, your horizontal planar image, your dark reflection. we'd spin around, you and me, white and black, till there are monochromatic explosions in your head of heads, each one like a stroke, like bloodied fireworks and it just be like it used to be fire and ice ecstasy and agony and then nothing we'd be demon masked and out parading.
11:29 PM
Friday, January 09, 2009
no really, i'm more awake when i'm asleep - i have the energy level of a tranquilized sloth.
meandering through loose thoughts and erratic notions of idealism, i sit, and can't get up, and yes the irony of mass > inertia hasn't eluded me, because i know that would just mean i'm moving in the opposite direction, but its true, i'm sinking into the chair.
magic must be thin in the air, because i can barely breathe.
dream catch me when i fall, or else i won't come back at all
10:49 PM
Sunday, January 04, 2009
so as much as its "not very nice" to say whoops at random times when i cut my brother's hair, its just a little too much fun to stop. (:
-
if fear was a color it would be violet; and that was exactly the color of her eyes when she walked in. her clothes were all ripped and her face streaked with dirt. "i tripped while crossing a minefield of you" she said, before dream and reality distorted and she was standing at the edge of his bed, and then a single thought formed in his mind: no. before he was awake, and she was long gone.
-
i tried to find you, i swear, but you just weren't there. i looked under my bed and in my closet, your usual hangouts. i know you like those dark spaces where your friends come out to play, but nothing. it was as if you had just vanished, and its not possible because i created you, you were and still are very much a part of my imagination, so tell me how did this happen, because i'm sitting here thinking my brains out, and i'm imagining you that little spin top hat you wanted so bad last christmas when you saw that calvin got one in his cereal box, but imagining you, nothing. not even a shadow. how come i can't find you anymore?
-
the king of oranges parades his crown of thorns in the backyard of his mother's house. he's got a ski pole for a sword, and a garbage lid for a shield, and he's thinking i'll never survive in Afghanistan.
10:59 PM
Saturday, January 03, 2009
i find myself at the beach in the small hours of the morning. the waves lap limply at my feet. the princess is three feet behind me in her tory burches, and even then adamant about keeping them on. well, its her loss. we walk and sing lyrics distorted by memory and other random snatches of old songs. the palm tress in the distance are two dimensional silhouettes - a static undeveloped shade of itself in the darkness. i remember being in indonesia looking back on our island and thinking, godd we're so bright we blot out the stars. it doesn't feel so much like that when you're standing right in the middle of it. i guess that's just it though, perspective. we don't say much and just continue walking. the sky behind us back lit by the city lights.
12:04 AM
Thursday, January 01, 2009
i have watched snails crawl at a faster speeds. h.ow. is. my. in.ter.net. soooo. s.lo.oow.
3:31 PM
ohhh dear. COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED. (:
last guinness /kilkennys /scarlet hotel sneak-in / insipid movie of the year
first insipid movie of the year /kebab /crazy cab war / attempt to ride a trishaw
kudos to spontaneity and random walks and GAH to bad judgements (count 4) despite the throng of insanity, despite the stupid movie (raz), despite the ridiculously priced kebab (10 bucks wtf), despite eating my weight in food (thanks jx), nye was a blast in all its legitirishpubguinnessscreeningroomannsiang glory.
a start of a good year. out with the old, in with the new.
3:56 AM
Sunday, December 28, 2008
oh that explains everythinggg. stupid youtube and its "this video is not available in your country" policy.
11:35 AM
blast cramped airline seats, delays, and perpetually change in singapore.
you never lose that feeling of dislocation. dismemebered limbs, phantom pain - and other bad analogies that don't quite make sense if you seriously think about it for awhile. today happiness was a sneaky bitch. she cast a spell that lasted probably all of 20 minutes while i realized how awesome it was for everybody that i've seen pretty much every saturday for most of my life be back in the same place again, but then now i'm just feeling inertia brought on by the full effects of gravity and physical inaction. damn vicious cycles, mood swings, and travelling.
ann siang was become a construction site, and a traffic artery. wtf. what happened to peace and tranquility? and of course, patissere had to be closed. no mango passion fruit meringue, no love.
12:29 AM
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
they somehow managed to tumble into war, he said, through stupidity, individual idiosyncrasy, misunderstandings, and personal complexes of inferiority and grandeur. - Tuchmans' Guns of August
9:51 AM
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
write a book entitled: the violent drownings of mr t. bagg and other stories.
3:13 PM
11:51 AM
stolen moments, alone, i fill up and spread up and outwards. i fill the space: every nook and crevice and corner, over, under, in between. my space. i stop worrying, stop thinking, stop everything, and breathe. its just me and nouvelle vague this very fine afternoon.
7:20 AM
Monday, December 08, 2008
that i would probably love you for the rest of my life.
6:17 AM
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
i have decided that stephenie meyers - fail, that i do not like romance novels, that somebody needs to step up to the plate and at least give gaiman some sort of competition. its ridiculous, the drivel the passed for stories these days. damn my need for completion - thank god for wikipedia summaries, and guilty concessions to made-up rules.
4:52 AM
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
in the beginning there was need that came from a void in an old soul. the need was prickly like a cactus, and petulant like a two year old leaving a candy store empty handed. it came into existence from nowhere (which is to say the void) and nowhere was a place, usually, when it was necessary for it to be place. when it wasn't a place, it was a plane of existence, at other times an abstract concept. the void was, in the beginning, perturbed. it did wonder how it was possible that it had brought forth such a creature - one so.. needy. the void being, well, empty, had nothing to give the need. the need in turn, whined and howled and cried with all the want in could master and then fell silent, much to the fleeting confusion of the void, which has quickly replaced by a quiet amusement. the need grew up a silent implosion, all passive aggressive anger and suppressed fury, and when it was just a little bit older, left, to explore the big wide that was the infinity. when it turn 23, had its feelings broken, and that was the last straw. it imploded upon itself, like a star, and became a black hole, and that was what it remained, satisfied, because that was what i was meant to have been. sitting in the middle of the universe, sucking up everything that passed by.
