Why am i so stupid?

Just why?

Hmm

I guess US is an awesome place but theres no other place like home (;

Canada! US

Im finally here in canadaaa :D

Actualy i arrived 3 days ago and im right now in the US so its not a really correct statement haha

Anyways
Its so different here and it feels unreal
Ive never been living outside o my house for more than 2 weeks. That time at elemetary i did live for 4 weeks in a olympic quarantine thingy, but that was still in indonesia, 1-2 hrs away from my house

Now ill be living and studying here..
Feels really weird lol
Usually after all this i cant wait to go home and sleep in my bed and use my own computer etc

I will probably buy my laptop tomorrow and receive my phone over the next few days

I might also visit my dearest friend in roechester tomorrow

Anyways have fun guys and i hope u guys can settle wherever u guys went to study


하니
둘
셋

화이팅!!!

(:'3)

Dat teary smile :')

Are you still..?

Hugging scrumpie?
Use my sunderland shirt?
Reading this blog?
Update our blog?
Quality sleep?

:D

bikini

:D.. i was thinking about yellow but i dunno :P

apalah random banget wkwkw

such a mess

I am

this is not right

im so confused right now

I dunno what i was trying to say

I have to say that's not really it

its what my mind wants me to think

but to tell you the truth I dont think that's it

I think its more about me being hurt and wanting to avoid you for a while

I dont know

Im sorry

I really hope we can talk soon

I love you

you know what

you know what, i need to talk ASAP.. but i cant do it today,

tomorrow?

crying

not the manliest thing to do, but am doing it right now

-

hard to see

First of all I didnt really expect you to understand anything i've done since what happened.
I'm sorry and I wasnt even intending to tell you

But i guess I have to tell you now

After the whole incident, I kept thinking to myself if what ur mom said was really true. As much as I want to say it's not true, some of it are, I guess, true. You cared and thought too much about me (sorry) and it distracted you from your main goal of studying. I gave it a lot of deep thoughts and I came up with a lot of things. But what I concluded it with was that we are indeed still too young to be in a too deep of a relationship. We have a lot of things to fulfill to our family and ,mostly,ourselves. I want to be a part of your life and I know you want to be a part of mine too. But I believe it's not yet the time.

About the tough love I was talking about. I really like you and I do love you, but you like me too much that you're so easily hurt by things I did. I want to be close to you but I'm not that good of a person so if you like me too much you're gonna be hurt more and we wont be able to last. I just feel like right now is not the right time. You should depend more on yourself cause with all the distance we will have, its gonna be hard for both of us.

Believe me I never once told a lie about how I feel about you, and that its really really hard for me to say all this. It's not easy either to stay away from you when it's becoming a routine and I enjoy all that. But I'm willing to sacrifice everything for your success, even if it means you have to hate me or anything along that line. I'm willing to wait and build up our relationship, even from the start all over again, if its really beneficial to both of our studies. If by then you found someone else or I did too much damage already then that's fine too. I'm willing to take all the chances here as I dont want to jeopardize someone else's future for my sake only.

Yes, you could say I'm a coward or I chickened out or anything like that, but I still believe it's all for the better. You can also say I'm delusional right now, but yes, I'm not yet ready to take away or reduce your chances of having a good and successful future.

You have every right to hate me or to be angry at me (but please dont be mad to yourself). But even though all that, I cant lie to myself that I still love you very dearly. I cant change that fact.

My hope is that you can stay strong and think of all these with clear minds and an open heart. I know I'm not right, or even I'm wrong in so many things about this. I hope you dont be as short-minded as I am right now.

and believe me, saying all this is one of the hardest thing i have ever done in our relationship.

I am supposed to make you feel safe, protect you and your heart. But right now, i cant do any of those, sincerely because I'm just not ready to take all the responsibilities and consequences of doing all those.

I'm sorry

Shouldnt have laughed

being more cheerful apparently doesnt help

and anything I wrote here is just gonna make her even more hurt

so I'll stop

a

how she could take it so wrong..
ahh..

I'm saying A and what she understood was A-
I'm saying B+ and what she understood was C

I never once said D but she concluded that I did


I'm out of words..


sorry..

:D

I remember why i used to love chatting ao much haha...

Id rather chat and talk than play at one point pf y life..

How games have changed me..

Not Saying theres no benefit to it..

Just..

An interesting fact that i should reflect on..

:D

Chat with me anyone :D

?

Whats the purpose of my life dude?

I feel like i dont have any life outside my computer haha...

And i dont even have that many comrades with me..

Gaaaah..

Helllooooooo??

Anyone theeeeeeeerrrreeeee??

:3

I miss you aaaa X)

Woooooo

Wohooo

Im so happy :3

So my gfs been playing LoL again weee.. At least during these holidays and on weekends probably.. Its been giving us a hard time when she first quit playing.. Not that its a wrong decision or anyyhing.. Im just stating how happy i am :)...

Anywaaay since 2 days ago, my left ear has been a bit 'deaf' for a weird reason, so thats why im blogging while waiting in queue for the doctor ..

Gaaaaah hope i get well soon

And i picked up a strange habit of sleeping without my shirt haha... It just feels so.. I dont know... Free? Hahaha i dunno lol... Its just a nice feeling... You guys should try it too ... Its indescribable by words... But if ure a girl i suggest locking ur door first :p

And i love you anabel :3 hihi.. Thats my gfs name incase i u dont know yet

smell ya guys later :)

Testing

Testing.. Im blogging from my phone :o

and yes..

all of these are you surprise...

although its not really surprising..

haha...

i hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it :p..

yes, YOU anabel.. my anabel :3

Journal : Final day - Redemption and Values

It has been 6-7 days since I started this survival thing and I'm here at the last day...

I've learned a lot, not only from the survival itself, but also the situation that's happening elsewhere that is connected to me one way or another...

All the values and how I should or should not reacted, have all acted as my redemption.. This knowledge that is not simply learned from reading but experience.. This end of survival is happy yet posed warning to my future self on how to be an even wiser decision maker..

I'm singing myself a congratulatory song for the survival, but before further contacts can be made safely, I need to finish things first back on my mission that started before the survival even began...

it is impending and unavoidable.. just hoping that its going to be done.. once and for all... and may the fruit properly reflects the time and effort and everything else I have put into it.

The final conclusion of this time's survival is simple.. There are times where we're feeling down and things don't seem to be working according to your plan.. but when you reached a level where you are comfortable and everythings good, you should not get carried away and stop making effort as much as when you were trying to reach that level... It can definitely backfire in ways that you dont even want to imagine..

This is the last journal in accordance to this survival project.. I hope this helps a lot of people reading this journal of mine, as I did learn a lot from this that I'm not regretting this experience even if there are a lot of hard/sh times in it.. The knowledge and experience that I gained are priceless and it is now up to me whether I'm gonna use it for my advantage or not, or even if I'm gonna use it at all.. I can't say anything about this, I'm just gonna prove to everyone that I'm in a better condition to face any obstacles that's ahead of me..

Good bye, thank you for reading my journal...

Anthony to HQ...

Reporting out..

...

...

.........

........

Journal : 4th day - doom

bad...

good..

doomed..

Contact note #2

Contact has been made again!

This time it's a direct contact!

I was in the middle of my other research..

Now I have to investigate this further..

Wish me luck guys..

Logging out...

...

...

Journal : 3rd day - silence

Reporting back in for the 3rd day...

Found some interesting discovery today..

Contact was made though it was indirect..

My main mission took a blow several days ago but I'm in the process of fixing it..

But time is running out..

I need to hurry up..

The situation seems dire...

In desperate need of her...

I'm ending today's report brief...

I hope help is on the way..

I can still survive this for a while..

But not sure how much longer..

more or less, silence...

over.. HQ...

Logging out...

...

...

Contact note #1

Contacts have been made!.. at last!

My hypothesis was more or less correct!

but alas, I was not aware at the time of the contact...

Messages were all about the situation and conditions from last night's events...

Report will immediately follow to HQ...

reporting out...

Logging out...

...

...

Discovery report #1

I discovered something earlier..

It's only one part though..

Not sure where the other one is..

This black thing seemed to have been lost some time ago and a bit forgotten..

I will investigate more about this...

gonna keep it safe..

another piece of the puzzle..

Logging out...

...

...

additional notes #2

Starting from now, Im gonna write in this format to make it more efficient..

There's no time to waste right now..

There's no status update as to the previous research..

4 days left..

I can do this...

I know I can...

She's depending on me...

Logging out...

...

...

additional notes #1

It seems that my texts were sent but not received by her...

so yesterday's hypothesis of her sleeping was wrong I guess..

Something must have happened...

I'm looking for more clue now..

Wish me the best guys..

Logging out..

...

...

Journal : 2nd day - Cambodia-trip-made-me-lonely guy whos bored

so , I decided to make a journal of what I'm doing everyday when my girlfriend is on her trip to Cambodia.. a week long trip..

The first day journal was already recapped on my "-.-" post so I'm just gonna go straight to the 2nd day :)

okay so today I woke up, and I already told you from my 2 last posts.. but I'm gonna recap it anyway..

I woke up at 4.30 after sleeping at 8.30ish the night before.. checked my phone and 43 texts from my girlfriend the night before.. I was feeling really sorry and bad and angry to myself.. I texted her and apologized and then went to take a bath and eat my breakfast.. While I was eating my 'nasi babi kecap' I kept fiddling with my phone and suddenly it said she was online..

I was so happy and chatted right away, calling for her.. and she was there.. woooooooo

And we ended calling a bit before I went to my car, and all the time in the short car-trip to my school...

It was.. :)... i got to hear her voice weeeeeee....

anyway school was a bit different, because we got a 2-3 hour session listening to the alumni who already succeed in their own field.. I listened to the vice president of our current 'Dinas Perhubungan' (Alumni of CC woo)... and then 2 guys who already succeeded in their own entrepreneurship.. they started a new business .. One made a hospital , the other made the well known transportation from jakrata to bandung (City Trans)... Let's just say they really amazed and kind of inspired me...

after that was my Bahasa Tryout.. its mostly theory, so i dont think I did well.. but okelah...

and then I went home, and was thinking maybe I could play or sleep or something.. but my brother called me and told me to go to MOI with them.. So I did...

When I was there, we bought me a new shirt (hint : its a bit yellow) and 2 new jeans.. wooo..

and (I think) I found "something good".. somewhere.. psssst.. its a secret :P...

During that time, I was actually still a bit anxious because of some issues with my waterloo application.. but I guess theres no use being too anxious about things like that.. I just need to do what I need to do and that's it..

so anywaaay.. i ate fiesta steak and talked about the entrepreneurship with my family... They looked really interested too.. haha..

Then when I went to my car to go home, I realized my girlfriends texting me like 2 mins before... I was kind of surprised, because she said earlier that we wouldn't be able to talk till the 4th of April, since shes gonna stay somewhere without wifi.. but apparently, she stayed somewhere where there is ! haha.. so I got to chat with her in my car, and called with her for a while when I got home.. weeeeeee... I could hear her voice again :3...

then she had to go to eat, and she lost her wifis signal or something before that.. so she left when I took a bath (and tested my new jeans and shirt).. well that sounded like its something wrong haha.. sorry.. i didnt mean to put it that way.. this is just a journal ... I'm sorry if it weird...

anyway I played a game of LoL with her brother and my friend Daniel and donteng, and we lost :/... after that her brother had to go somewhere so I played KCVDS with daniel.. yes it is YuGiOh online..

in the middle of the game she texted me.. and we chatted.. she said she couldnt call because lagi rame2 or something.. so we just chatted...

weeee..

and now we are chatting again :)..

but shes tired... hehe

aaaand for the first time she sleeps earlier than me :)...

I sent him a weird picture of me before tho haha..

well.. i just played a game and lost :/... oh well..

it was fun..

but now its all emotional and stuff :|...

so i might as well just sleep and think about my lovely girlfriend :)..

so bye for noooww!!

P.S. : did I mention her name was anabel? hmm okay.. her name is anabel hel*n d**e... and i censored it so my blog doesnt get found out if her name is typed at google :p... i dunno why.. ga enak aj akayanya... I wnt her exclusive for me :3...

X)

I just called again with my girlfriend wooooo..

its like..

a miracle!..

wooooo..

theres a wifi where shes staying.. even if its not that good, but still.. internet!

which means she can call and chat with me on her free time !

woooooo...

yay!

weeeee

hai hai.. i just finished school and really feel like writing

so this morning at 6, I got to talk with my girlfriend, and we ended calling :)..

weee it was so good to hear her voice again (after less than 24 hour )..

I dont really know why haha.. maybe its because I love her :D (sorry for the cliche)..

anyway i gotta go now, my mom and bro are waiting for me at the mall.. maybe were gonna eat or buy something im not sure..

maybe buy some gifts ? gahahahaha i dunno i hope shes not reading this too soon :P

anyway, smell ya later....

(and yes I'm talking to my blog :P)

-.-

So I was awake from 10 mins ago..

and I got 42 texts on whatsapp from my girlfriend in Cambodia..

She went to Cambodia yesterday morning..

The whole day, I wasnt really doing anything..

Till like 12.30 I didnt play LoL.. Just sitting there, browsing.. feeling very lonely and kangen..

I realized how everyday, even if we're not really talking, just the presence of her made me feel... what is it... i dont know, secure maybe? or accompanied? I dont really know.. Its just that her being there really comforts me in a way i cant explain...

I played LoL only 3 times if im not mistaken.. it was fun.. but still, like theres something missing...

when she's here, even if im not playing with my friend, I feel a lot better for some reason..

so anyway back to my girlfriend, apparently she stayed in a hotel that has a wifi outside the room.. so she was waiting for 30 mins from 22.13 to 22.43 last night trying to contact me.. but I was asleep... Great, tony.. just great....

now she told me shes gonna be up at 6, and shes probably not gonna get any internet access during the whole week shes there except for yesterday and the second-to-last day...

She even took photos of the hotels dark corridor where shes sitting alone trying to look for wifi..

:(

right now im feeling really bad because I couldnt be there (for the x-th time) when she needs me.. She always try to accompany me, and I wasnt there when she really needs my company..

I dont even know if I really deserve her... she's really nice and kind to me.. and she's the one showing more effort to express ourselves.. I should just.. I should just.. ah...

why.. WHY... why do I have to be so tired and sleepy at 8.. aaaaaaaaaaaaa... I probably should have slept earlier in the afternoon.. I didnt even finish anything...

So :

bored --> missing my gf --> doing a lot of unnecessary things --> tired --> sleep --> she contacts me --> I'm already asleep

She's also waiting on skype yesterday.. and I even said Ill wait for her call..

I just want to kill myself sometimes :/... but no, im not gonna do that.. I love her too much to do such thing.. I just feel really guilty and I know Im 110% at fault here..

So here I am.. 4.56 AM.. shes gonna be awake at 6ish.. ill be omw to school at that time... but i can still text.. yeah probably not long and no call, but its better than nothing.. I wish she would go home sooner..

if you're reading this, Im sorry, I really am.. I dont know what to say..

I swear I'm gonna be yours forever.. no temptation is ever gonna work on me.. even if we're physically apart.. I will make up for this I promise you.. Have a nice trip there, and be safe... and im really sorry.. Ill be there on your second to last day.. from 3 -5 ill not do anything the whole day if I have to..

Tony tony tony.. when will you learn? like seriously.. -.- -.- -.- -.- -.-

hehe

hehe..

great day :)

not CROSSing any line

happy 3 months anniversary (;

i love you :)

...

i kept messing up didnt I?..

i dunno when i will learn lol..

hope its soon :/

why do i keep messing things up ahhh...

I need to do something special hmm...

hmm...

so, last night, I got into a 'fight' with my girlfriend..

we both dont really think its a fight though..

It was just a misunderstanding and we cleared it up..

but

I think theres still something..

I felt like there was still some lingering(?) feeling.. like its not over or something..

I hope she's okay... cause she sounded a bit down to me.. even if she said it was okay..

let's hope this is me being delusional

I hate the fact that Im always the one who offended and hurt her..

mostly its accidental, but that's beside the point..

I am always trying again and again to adjust myself..

and I think I did hurt her again when I didnt ask her to accompany me because I thought she wanted to do something else.. and even after that, I even asked her (sarcastically maybe) what was so funny when she said it was funny that i was defending myself to a misunderstanding..

that was my old habit of always defending myself.. I did that to everyone, my friends my teachers even my mom. I was insensitive and I could see why she was hurt...

so i'm really sorry for not being a good boyfriend (yet).. you know our motto is "live and learn", so I hope you will always give me the chance to "learn"... cause "living" without"learning" is really sad..

living without u is even worse though :)

I am sorry for what I did and I love you anabel <3, please smile if u are reading this.. you are most pretty and attractive when you are showing that sweet angelic smile of yours XD

not trying to run away

Im not saying none of these werent my fault..

Do u know how guilty i felt everytime i fell asleep?

u probably know, but..

I dont know, Ive been doing it several times, and I cant do anything about it..

I tried.. I fight against my sleepiness morethan I used to..

but still.. its hard..

I know ure probably not a 100% blaming me, u might not even blame me for these..

But i did..

I always felt like, "wow I couldnt even do it for her sake","maw jadi apa, gini aja gak bisa"

yeah..

I just need to say these..

Im not running away...

I already decided to be with u forever, and we're gonna stick together..

I want to always be with u..

its a process...

dont leave me okay?

I will always try and prove that I'm worth it for u, not just on those happy and sad times..

but also hard times, and ordinary times...

so, please cheeer up..

X(

so i was talking... it was not a good situation..

and it just have to blackout :/...

gaah.. now i cant contact u...

aaaa...

nature, please be kinder to us :'(

preparing for tomorrow

sorry.. im already sleeping if ure looking for me :)

prepare for tomorrow X)

see ya..

P.S. : you can still text me for the slight chance of me noticing :p.. or call my house :)

Blue Rose

so 3 days ago I made this (something sort of like a ) poem..

FYI i have always been having a knack about these kind of things..

I feel like i can express myself best through writing..

sorry if its bad or doesnt mean anything or something haha..

anyway, here goes.. (I made some changes here and there from the original version)

roses may be red

but you are blue

sitting there

in the middle of the meadow

standing out even if u're sitting down

so rare, yet strange

alluring only a certain few

though once we clicked

there's no turning back

forever tied together

as two souls unite

there comes the time

when everyone's tall

yet shyly u hide in your crystal blue leaf

hard to find

hard to see

though worth the time

when we finally meet

its not too late

its not too soon

but still i'd rather see u bloom

in your nature, beauty as it is

but mark my words

one sunny day

after i ate enough sand

there I will be

calmly approaching

and make u mine

anyway Im having a holiday today to prepare for tomorrows practical exam

which i havent studied even for a bit..

I dunno what happens.. today just doesnt seem to be my day(I'm sorry to my idol Tiffany from 소녀시대)

everything just doesnt go according to my plan haha... and I messed up one too many times this past 2 weeks..

I'm not even sure what I should be doing now... I JUST NEED TO SCREAM AAAAAAAAAAA

I'm sorry for the babbling but i dont know where else i can scream.. cause i cant scream inside my house..

AAAAAAA anyway.. thats about it.. ima try my luck one more time and that's it... I will do what I need to do...

im out,

peace..

may u guys have a better day than me.

Lesson :)

how to control one's lust

how to control one's desire

how to control oneself

..

Not what u want..

Nor what u need..

..

but what is right.. (or at least what u think is right )

:)

Happy Ash Wednesday!

Why... why...

So, I was talking to my lovely girlfriend about the past.. and also about this blog..

Then I realized how bad my english writing skill is right now..

Back when I started writing this blog, yeah i can say that I'm better no than then, but compared to some of the blog post I made, my writings right now is kinda... i have to say mediocre :/..

so, like i said, I want to start writing again in this blog.... yea i know i already said that like several times before but never did.. well this time... this time... Im not really sure too haha...

anywaaay... ima start writing again in order to at least get my english writing skill in the same level as my listening and/or speaking skill... something i think im pretty good at.. well not that good but is at least on a satisfying level..

Back then I had so many ideas and cool stuff to write about... write now I also have a lot of materials, but I already have someone special to tell that about... yes, my mom..

im just kidding..

It's my girlfriend.. :) i love u anabel (;

(I still talk to my mom sometimes tho :P)

she has been reading my blog since its birth and even remembered some of the posts that even I forget...

im not saying its a bad thing, its actually a good thing.. no.. a great thing..

having someone to talk about ur stuff and problem is a blessing..

not everyone has that kind of luck..

anywaaay.. my point was back then i had no one to tell my life to (yes it was sad...) , so my blog was there to me..

I wrote long posts here and there to talk about silly things, simple things, random things.. stuff like that...

That really.. really improved my writing skill.. cause back then i wrote at least once a week.. usually more..

Right now I feel like I need to step up the game for my writing skill...

but then theres UAS, UP, UAN....

oh well.. yes the national's exam , schools exam, and practical exam are all coming up soon but thats not my main concern..

Im more concerned about my admission to Brown U.. I want it so badly.. X(...

anywaaay Im supposed to be studying for tomorrow's history tryout but I haven't studied much :/.. i guess i can finish it at school... oh well..

For future notes, (I know no one except u are reading it but haha :p ) I'm gonna try to write about interesting things i experience just like the old days :).. I'm not sure if its gonna work but I'm gonna try anyway..

welll i guess i need to sleep (or study) now...

so..

haha..

ill end this post here..

(still looking for black Lay's...)