The Accident: The ICU but 6 Month's Later On My Therapist's Couch

One morning at the end of an EMDR session for treating my PTSD, my therapist asked me to visualize Rachel from today going back and talking to Rachel in the ICU.

Hard to try and describe the deep, unexpected emotions this evoked. I was overcome with sadness, pain, relief, and a new deep realization. It was in that moment that I realized those were two completely different girls. She looked strong, but ICU Rachel was numb and afraid. No one fully understood how that felt except the Rachel lying on the couch. I wanted to hug that girl so tight, cry with her, and tell her to stop worrying about how others expected her to think, act, and feel. To stop feeling like she needed to downplay it to others and especially to stop downplaying it to herself. Guess what, ICU Rachel? This was every bit as awful as it felt, and to go ahead and really feel it.

I felt so sorry for that girl in the ICU knowing all she still would go through. But as I lied there on the couch that day, for the first time I could see so clearly what an incredibly tough woman I had become. I went through hell, and not only handled it the best way I knew how, but handled it, dare I say, really well.  I now viewed life and challenges differently. I had a new, elevated compassion for others. I had remained a good, involved, capable mother through it all. I had been there for Tom and was even a nurse to him as he healed. I had the good sense to get professional mental help for myself and to accept the physical help from so many good, loving people— even when I very naturally wanted to push a lot of that away.

I wasn’t foolish enough to think I had done this all on my own. Some of the strongest people I know have been through the absolute most crap, and I truly felt Heavenly Father’s hand very purposefully changing who I was. He trusted me to become better through this, and THAT felt amazing.

The Accident: The ICU

The ICU haunts me more than any other point of this entire experience. I was in such shock while being driven past the accident scene that I was somewhat protected at that point.

The ICU is where things began to sink in— where I really began to understand the heaviness of it all.

It's where I saw doctors yell to wake Tom up to make sure he was following commands— which the first time he didn't. "I need him to respond," I so clearly remember the neurologist saying.



It's where I saw him strapped to the bed, not understanding why he was there, unable to speak to us, and having to repeatedly explain to him what happened. I tried to hide my tears and panic and would often bend at the side of the bed to hide my face then sneak out of the room leaving someone else to explain.

It’s where I pleaded through tears and a shaking body for the nurses to keep him as sedated as possible throughout each night. I could not leave without being promised.

It's where I first saw my husband after he was extubated, although it wasn't my husband but what appeared to be a mentally and physically handicapped patient you might see in a nursing home. His voice (the little he could use) was like a monster. His face was swollen and lopsided, and his eyes were not fully tracking.

It’s where I watched him wail in excruciating pain from what the doctors believed was a urethral tear from all the pelvic trauma, and nobody knowing how to help.

I watched everyone cheer for his progress, and that made me angry. I was supposed to be happy, but seeing him like this was terrifying and confusing.

Each time I'd return to the hospital, I'd pause and take a deep breath before turning the corner to enter his room. I felt like an actor pretending to be stronger than I was. Watching him in pain was often too much to bear, but I also couldn’t stand to leave his side. Tom's siblings (Steve and Karen) and friends from church would stay with him when I couldn't.

There were moments so overwhelming that when home alone in my room at night, I would panic, unable to find even the briefest second of relief.

This was a time I was surrounded and supported by so many, but was ironically the loneliest and darkest time of my life.

The Accident: the Morning of

I often feel guilty and selfish for talking about the accident from my perspective and how it affected me. Truthfully, I don't think everyone gets it. But the fact of the matter is, this was my accident too. I don't know if one can fully comprehend this until the person you are most connected to in the entire world is nearly taken from you.  

March 5th, 2018

I woke up grouchy the day after my birthday. It hadn't been the best day, and I was still feeling a bit annoyed. Tom was leaving especially early for work, and I was busy in the kitchen getting kids fed and ready for school. I was at the sink when he came to kiss me goodbye. I turned my head to let him kiss me on the cheek. He left, and I continued the normal routine of morning chaos and dropping kids off at school. 

I returned home and was back in the kitchen dumping a packet of oatmeal into a bowl for Leah when there was loud banging on the front door. A police officer stood on my doorstep. "Are you Rachel Bjorkman?" I confirmed that I was, then was told that Tom was in an accident. I took a huge step back and asked through deep breaths, "Wait, are you serious?" Having an officer at my door to tell me instinctively told me it was bad. I walked into the next room, sat, and prayed. Desperately.

My neighbor, Linda, who already knew of the accident and now put the pieces together that it was Tom, walked in and immediately grabbed Tess and Leah. I wandered my house in a daze, made a couple phone calls-- one to my mom and the other to my friend, Lisa, to arrange care for Tess and Leah. The cop waited downstairs to take me to the hospital while I got things in order. I wandered my room looking through my clothes drawers wondering if Tom was even alive. "What does one wear to the hospital?" I remember thinking. I felt strange, guilty, and annoyed even needing to decide.

I sat in the back of the police car, and as we pulled up to the intersection of the accident at the exit of my neighborhood, I saw a huge white truck with its front end crushed. And then I saw Tom's car. It was in pieces. Pieces. And COMPLETELY bashed in where he had been sitting. We turned the corner onto the main road and I finally asked what I had been too scared to ask to this point. "Is my husband alive?" He quietly responded, "I don't know." Then began the longest car ride of my life. I messaged Tom's family to pray. I called my friend, Emily, to arrange for a blessing. Then I continued to do all I could do...pray more.

We pulled up to the ER entrance where I saw two women walk out and head straight toward me. The officer opened my door and I felt sick as I braced myself for what they were going to tell me. They walked me into the waiting room where one of the women told me they were able to cut Tom out of the car, and that at some point he was able to tell them his name.

He was alive!

They took me back into the ER where he was lying-- bloody, bruised, sedated, and intubated. I was on such a high that he was alive that I didn't take much else in. Unsure if he could hear me, I talked to him letting him know I was there. The nurses handed me some of his belongings in a bag. I remember their blank, serious faces watching me. Thinking back, I imagine they knew I wasn't grasping all that was happening. In my shocked state, my brain was now telling me this was simple and he'd be going home in a few days. I even asked to take a picture.

Our friend, Travis, arrived and gave him a priesthood blessing. I was then taken into a room where a doctor came in to tell me a list of the injuries they knew at that point. Brain bleed, severely broken jaw, minor broken vertebrae, broken sternum, bleeding spleen, severely broken pelvis. (Many more follow up scans and listed injuries were to come.) Travis stayed by my side and took notes knowing I wasn't remembering what I was being told. In the meantime, Tom was being moved upstairs to the ICU.

Dear Baby Girl,

In just a few short hours, you will be here! I'm supposed to be asleep, but even with a strong sleeping pill, my brain is up and ready to go. I went to bed with such butterflies in my stomach, but woke really quite calm, and dare I say it, with a bit of excitement! There have been so many nerves going on with this pregnancy....and legitimate reasons to worry. From where we spent a month + believing you likely had Turner Syndrome, then a month later, now knowing that you were super healthy, but that there was the strong likelihood that we had a rare placental complication that could make your entrance very scary and even deadly if not treated carefully. That complication was verified, but wow, have we been blessed with doctors who watched this so carefully and are following all the precautions to a T. I joke about how being the 5th child, you were determined to not be forgotten, and not forgotten will you be! I may have even called you our "Drama Queen" from time to time.

You and I have now been kickin' it in the hospital together for the past 3 weeks. Leading up to coming, I was sad and scared and would often wake up in the middle of the night panicking. I was overwhelmed and nervous about being away from your dad and siblings for so long. Especially over Christmas. There have been plenty of emotional times since being here, and I've mostly let those tears out to your Daddy, your Aunt Ginger, and a few lucky nurses. Everyone has been so sweet and understanding.  Without a doubt, relying on Heavenly Father has helped me through this process tremendously. In moments of sadness, I have felt strong impressions of my Savior's love knowing that he has felt these same emotions and knows just what I'm going through. There is much comfort in that. Not to mention the overwhelming love and support I have felt from friends and family. Your Grandma Sherie and Grandpa Richard (Momoo & Dadoo) have basically sacrificed a month of their lives to come hold down the fort and run the show back home with your siblings during the hours Daddy is at work. It's been a draining task for them all. We are all often just in survival mode and can't expect much else. And man have we been blessed with good friends. I have had so many friends reaching out to me at times to the point where it's been a touch exhausting. Turns out that's a good problem to have because it's really what's kept me sane. We are loved, Baby Girl!!

Each morning, we are hooked up to a monitor to check your beautiful heart rate and it has been perfect every time. You kick like crazy and I really kind of love it. The rest of the day, my vitals are checked over and over again, and many days are met with lots of pokes and needles...shots to develop your lungs and new IVs every few days to make sure we're ready to go in case of an emergency. I'm not allowed off the floor without a chaperone (in fear of something rupturing), so getting outside the hospital doors is a rare occasion. I've taken a couple walks outside in the parking lot but that's about as much fresh air as I've gotten. The nurses here are all pretty fantastic and we have all become good buddies. I've even really bonded with the cute cleaning ladies.

Today there is a whole lot of snow happening outside, and your siblings are praying for a snow day at school. Or in Reese's words, "I want it to be a snow day in the morning, then for it to all melt in the afternoon so we can come see the baby." That really would be the perfect plan! ;) Coming to see you is going to all be so interesting too. We really have no idea if they will be peering at you through the NICU nursery windows or if you'll be up in my room in their arms. We all know what they're hoping for! We are so hopeful that we'll be able to take you home this weekend, but there is also a big chance that you could be spending your fair share of time here in the NICU. Doctors have said to plan on 1-3 weeks and to be pleasantly surprised with none. We'll know more in a couple hours.

In a couple hours!!! This day is here!! This has really been a wild ride, and along with all the nerves, we are so happy for our journey to begin with our last little family member. Love you, sweet girl! See you soon!!

Leah Shortcake --3rd Birthday Party

Turners Shmurners

"Hi Mom! Sorry the doctors and lab people scared you and Dad for a bit there with making you think that everything might not be perfectly right with me. I've known all along that I'm the most perfect and beautiful baby in the whole world."

A little over a month ago (while I was in the middle of a hike in Hawaii!), my doctor called to tell me that there was some concern over some lab results they had gotten back. He asked me if I had heard of Turner Syndrome, which I hadn't, then explained the best he could with the horribly spotty cell reception we had.

Mayo Clinic's explanation is this: Turner Syndrome, a condition that affects only girls, and results when a sex chromosome (the X chromosome) is missing or partially missing. Turner syndrome can cause a variety of medical and developmental problems, including short height, failure to start puberty, infertility, heart defects, certain learning disabilities and social adjustment problems.

My lab results detected no second X chromosome. So there I was, in the middle of vacation, left with this vague information and that there was a 65% chance that my daughter had this chromosomal abnormality. I truly didn't know what to think. Was this something to freak out about or was it absolutely nothing? Being so completely confused about it all, I of course chose to freak out. I read everything I could about it that night and pretty much cried myself to sleep. I usually feel peace about things if they are nothing to be concerned about, but all I felt was confusion. Let's be honest, I was just taking the blood test that they suggested to find out the gender of the baby early. It never crossed my mind that other things might show up. I've had 4 healthy children, of course this one would be too!

Once I was back in town, I was able to meet with my doctor to get more information and to find out what to do next. Honestly, my doctor didn't make me feel too hopeful when he told me that most of the time when he saw lab results like this that they ended up being accurate. There's not a lot to do with Turner Syndrome during pregnancy other than mentally prep, but I knew I would lose my mind going the entire pregnancy without knowing for sure, so I decided to go ahead with the amniocentesis that would confirm one way or the other. 

I had to wait 2 weeks for my amnio appointment. In the meantime, Tom and his dad gave me a blessing, and both sides of our family fasted and prayed. This helped ease the emotional roller coaster I was on, and the more time that went by, the more hopeful I felt. I had read so many stories of people with similar lab results who later found out that it was a false positive. Like so many false positives!

The amnio was a weird, emotional, slightly painful appointment, but all went smoothly. The extremely thorough ultrasound they did at the beginning (pic above) looked perfect, although they warned me that that would give no indication of Turners at this point. The doctor who did the amnio was so encouraging though and I truly left feeling like all was well.

Two days later, the doctor called telling me that the early results (FISH) came back (just a small sample of the cells) and that "Good news!" everything looked perfect at that point. I was celebrating, but Tom was still cautious about getting too excited until we got the full results back. About 2 weeks later, the doctor called and told me that our baby was indeed absolutely perfect! :)

Such weird emotions about this whole process. Deciding to get pregnant was such a hard decision this go around (hence the larger than normal gap for us). After so much prayer and thought, I finally had one overwhelming experience that confirmed to me that, yes, we should have another, although the impression that was left with me was that this would NOT be easy and that it would absolutely be a sacrifice. So when this came up, I couldn't help but wonder if this is what that feeling meant. Maybe we were going to have a child whose body wasn't perfect and would require a bit more from us. More than anything, I was just worried for this sweet girl and wondering what challenges she might face. Not that we won't have our road of challenges ahead of us, but I'm glad this particular concern is over. Now just back to the simple task of being responsible for raising 5 little humans! ;)

Bjorkbabe #5

Believe it or not, another little Bjorkman is in the works!

FAQ:

1) Are you crazy? (Nobody's actually asked this, but some of you are likely thinking it. ;) )

Yes. Yes, we are. This was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. Most big decisions have come fairly easy for me. But this required lots of prayer, fasting, visits to the temple, and ultimately was what's right for our family. Tom and I have seen completely eye to eye every step of the whole confusing path.

2) When are you due?

I'm 11 weeks, due February 9th. (For some reason, even with all my exact calculations, my babies end up measuring an entire week behind. So not February 1st like I originally had in my mind.)

3) Do you care if it's a boy or girl?

We're definitely all rooting for a boy to mix things up a bit, but we certainly never came into this with the intent of getting one more boy. We're pretty good at the whole girl thing after all. ;) We also think it would be pretty sweet for Leah to have a sister close to her age. My only fear with having a girl is the likelihood that Everett will burst into tears when finding out.

4) How are you feeling?

Twinges of nausea here and there, but this is the least sick I've ever been. Halelujah! My only real complaint is the complete exhaustion that's been magnified with getting our house on the market and a busy summer full of travel. I have truly had so much help from friends and family with watching my kids (that I haven't even asked for) that I've been so absolutely grateful for.

5) Is this the last? (Once again, nobody's asked, but in case you're wondering.)

After having Leah, I didn't necessarily feel like there was another one, but I also never had that absolute feeling of "this is it!" But with what a struggle it was in our minds to decide on a fifth, and unless God has other surprise plans for us, I'm pretty darn sure this is it!

HERE WE GO AGAIN!! :)

House Haps

It's getting real! That mound of dirt we've been staring at is beginning to take the shape of a house. Our house!

 We are all a little giddy.

In the kitchen looking into the family room.

Kitchen. Isn't it beautiful?! ;)

Back of the house.

Backyard. Claire (the dot in the red shirt) is waving from the edge of our lot. 

We were originally mostly looking at resale with the idea that we'd redo floors and kitchen cabinets. The tricky part with that route was that larger lots (that Tom really wanted) were extremely hard to come by. I had never really taken my eye off new builds though and was obsessing over one floorplan from Lennar. So when this 19,000+ sqft lot was available on a cul de sac, was in our price range, and fit the rest of our criteria, we snatched it up.

They're on track to be done mid-October. So now we're just left with the job of working our bums off getting our current house ready and figuring out the timing of selling...all while trying to stay in it as long as possible. My head is only spinning a little.