Saturday, March 08, 2008

Today is the day after the results are released.

I got ACBBBB, not knowing how I did it. On the previous night, I was convincing myself that I had my backdoor paved for me- like I went to take up all of the Australian universities prospectus. I went into the exam hoping that I scored anything from B to E, even if E represented GP. Half way through the examination hall, I convinced myself that I failed GP and I was going Aussie to start from foundation course.

I made myself the last student to get the results. The first thing I asked was,”Did I fail anything?”
I was utterly appalled, relieved and elated when my teacher told me that I passed everything and quite well at that. “Even GP?” Yes, in fact your worst grade is C for Chemistry. I had her double check whether it was my name. It had to be, since there was no one else behind me. Right there, I was falling apart, my hands slightly trembling while trying to sign the obligatory form before actually receiving the results. At that point, I was detesting my elaborate signature. What happened beyond that was a blur, I ended up crying on SN's shoulder about how I didn't fail GP.

Some of my friends were disappointed with their results. I had results that were better than theirs- or from so I heard. Starting from that moment, I was convinced that there had been something seriously wrong with the marking scheme. The moment of suspicion actually started when I didn't fail GP. Then I started thinking of equity and aspirations.

I felt that I didn't deserve these miraculous grades. My teachers told me because I worked hard for it, I deserved it. But when I compare myself to my other friends who are much more consistent than I was but fared same or worse than me, I feel bad. I want to make efforts relative to the grades that people achieve... but then again, that would make me worse off. I feel uneasy when announcing my grades. It's the feeling of guilt that you have the grades that others want in order to get into their dream course but they lacked that grade. Because the system is on a bell curve, my existence in the bell curve actually robbed them of their dreams.

I know I don't have a very fantastic grades to speak of. But for someone who has never taken an exam as bad as this in her entire life, she is salvaged and saved through the amazing workings of moderation that eventually killed the hearts of her peers. Her grades now, mine, has reached excellence of its own for a people of her calibre.

She is really a miracle of her own. No one would have believed so. Her preliminary examination results were so blatantly bland- a university ranking points below 30. Her teachers told her: students can at most jump 2 grades in the actual A levels. Now she wonders if she created history- she now has 71 for ranking points.

I always felt that I had amazing exam luck. I guess I wouldn't have it any other way.

P.S.
I actually found out that I wasn't as lazy as I thought I was. I found evidence of dedication amongst the packing I did for my Junior the things I was eternally rid off.

I have to thank quite a number of people for my crazy set of result.
a. my mom- she supported emotionally and financially to a great extent.
b. wl- she was my active study buddy for that crazy last minute slam. We stayed up nights together.
c. iz- for being my consultant when I needed help.
d. my teachers (all)- altho they were doing their jobs, I still thank them greatly for not holding me back a year, for writing such a marvellous examiner's report, for being comprehensible and supportive. I feel indebted to Ms Ho and sorry to both Ms Chen and Ms Leong. The reasons of which are beyond you so I shall not bother you with them.
e. coffeebean and subway @ TP- I know how it is kinda retarded to applaud such venues- I thank you for putting up with such a bitch of a customer like me.

Side note: Honestly, feelings aside, are my grades good?
I hate skewed results you see in school. They always don't reflect the truth.

By:: ice
Time:: 11:37 AM
Comments:: 0

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

210208

i don't want to go out with kazhua later today.

i feel as if i got bullied by iz.

i have no idea why she always insist she is right. well, actually more than 90% of the time she is, but she functions to obliterate the rest of my possibilities. I don't deny things i say can be 80% junk... but i feel very upset because i was very certain i was right. the con should be saved and used for forensic uses.

we had 2 debates on 'what the topic' was. seriously. this latest one made me very upset.

i feel wrongly accused. my topic was correct. if this entry sounds infantile to you, get lost. but it means a lot to me. both of us are very competitive and eager to win. but i don't SEE how my topic was wrong. i don't just change topic like that.

and it's twice already.

perhaps i have a very interesting way of deciphering messages.

and i don't like implying things that I know will make you upset. i only do that in a joking manner to jm. and if i do that, i don't have the ability to control myself.

honestly, i am very very upset. I don't how you are going to think of this entry if you ever have a chance to come upon it... but i feel i need a apology from you...

I have no idea how your tone is supposed to sound over screens. but it was definitely hostile to me.

god, please me ill later today or sth.

i refuse to see kazhua until i feel better. >.> i don't want to start a cold war.

should i use laxative? nah... i know what will make me have diarrhoea.

By:: ice
Time:: 11:31 AM
Comments:: 0

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

I HATE MY FATHER.

PERIOD.

I hope he dies.

I don't care what method whoever uses, PLEASE MAKE HIM DIE.

By:: ice
Time:: 1:40 AM
Comments:: 0

Monday, December 31, 2007

010108

For those who notices my nightly vigils on msn, they must have realised that I was off-duty last night, on the last day of 2007. Nope, I wasn't taking an off-day because it was a public holiday. In fact, I did a half hearted counting down session with my fellow new JC close friends. (Oh, close friends do rotate in positions)

Basically, I was out cycling with a bunch of bananas named YQ, Jaylo and Jiawei. Technically speaking, Jiawei isn't a close friend of mine- we've only met twice. But based on frequency that we meet each other, he is rapidly rising on my friend chart. He's a reliable person- just sometimes less sane than I would expect and a person damn good in giving instructions at that (as in... he can direct things well).

Well, we went night cycling. From ECP to Changi beach (no, we did not see any orgy) and all to the Tekong ferry port where we said good bye to 2007. Thanks to the wind, Jaylo has funky Elvis kinda hairstyle. That line will not be screened by my brudder. Later on, we pushed on to Changi Village and the dreaded OCH. They were contemplating to visit OCH together and their plan, unfortunately, included me. But I bailed out by crying (I should really slap myself for that) and poor YQ is omitted the chance of going to OCH again.

Honestly, I detest crying in these kind of situation. My tears, after going through all those stupid shit in life, is reserved for other things in life. And it totally destroyed my image. But with my heart and soul, I detest anything supernatural. It absolutely doesn't help that my house is surrounded by 3 cemeteries and that my friend who used to live in a block near mine suffered from ghostly rampages. I am not amused.

I bet they (referring to our beloved bananas) are not amused too.

For that, I sincerely apologize here.

Moving on- we fought out way back to ECP. Technically, I was a fighter on the roads. My tail bone strangely hurt and my entire crotch was numb. Even the slightest bump on the road made me uncomfortable. Attempting to stand while cycling was not fun anymore. It was extremely difficult removing my arse from the saddle when the tail bone-crotch thing set in. I was making strange pornographic sounds in doing so. Plus the de-maing of the crotch was a whole new 'exciting experience' for me- I wouldn't be surprised if I noticed bruises around there (oh just that, I couldn't see it). On top of that, my thighs were burning. Think like 100 of launches after 1 month of inactivity- In Iz's word “Not Funny.”. I wanted to die, totally. And I totally detest that stretch of path that lined Changi Airport- it goes on and on forever non-stop. And to think I was musing about the number of airplanes landing or taking off when we passed by the area earlier on. But my brudder was being such a cute and sweet person and tried to entertain and encourage me (who was lagging like a tortoies behind). Thank you, brudder. :)

Well of the long and horrible ride back- I did find some things wonderful about it. Like how some places are totally scenic. Like the river made of sand. Like the gentle orange glow of the airport or the romantic enclave. All these on the horrible stretch of Changi Airport. =)

Despite feeling like a burden to them, I would have probably turned their minds when I started doing a 'colour' trick on Taidi. Don't ask- it's jaylo's fault. >.> He was laughing hysterically (like hysterically) along side with YueQiu who complained her stomach hurt. I didn't catch Jiawei's reaction because I was too busy thinking of ways to get back at jaylo. But I do know he was amused. “Funniest thing I've heard all day,” thanks Jiawei.
Although I was really embarrassed and kinda unhappy that the joke's on me (because they are laughing at me and not with me), I'm glad that I made some people happy today. :) it's 010108!

Tidbit:
a) The infamous TheYunTianDance featuring red hot dancer Jiawei!
b) Guys have amazing thigh power- they have a race whilst we are struggling. And a high gear at that.
c) I am amazed how guys can stay on a bike for so long and appearing comfortable at that. My crotch is flat and burning up.
d) Guys can lag behind the crowd to discuss every aspect of mahjong along ECP, all the way to Changi beach.
e) my thighs still hurts like bitch.
f) we went crazy n went 'happy new year' to everyone we met. for some strange cyclist, we greeted a same cyclist 3 times.

By:: ice
Time:: 6:51 PM
Comments:: 0

Sunday, December 30, 2007

311207

I don't know if I am being emotional right now due to hormonal imbalances currently surging through me- but I'm upset to the extent that I'm tearing up.

I am deeply angered and sadden by friend's sudden announcement that she is going to work tomorrow. And I know about it only just a few moment ago.

I know it may seem as though I'm an overly protective and obsessive bitch. But she knew that I'm a person who hates it when people keeps things from me. I HATE IT. I made it clear to her the last time she took on job. But it had been a different situation with the same result.

The last time, she convinced that she had something on that is extremely important such that she bailed on an interview we went supposed to go together. I don't blame her for that. She did told me in advance that she was not free. But it had been the way she said it was so 'important'. At that moment, I was positive that she was attending someone's funeral. (OH, this year was a big funeral year for me-) But I felt extremely sad that she intended to hide that she was going for work. And I had to know it from someone else. Afterwards, she wanted me to accompany her for the interview she missed on the next day. Honestly, I didn't want to go. I wanted her to feel bad about hiding things from me and stuff like that... But in the end, I still go.

This time, I was more upset. Well, she made a pact to find a job together. She said not to 'pangseh' her. Do you know how bad I felt when she just broke it to me suddenly that she is going for work the next day? Although it was only for a short time period, the least she could do was to inform that she was contemplating, instead of telling me she was gg for the job tomorrow. When she told me the contract arrived in her mail box.... I was so damn pissed. It would definitely mean that she has been contemplating since a long time ago. She uses words like 'decided not too long ago'. I don't know what you think, but I'm too some extent tired to hearing things like that. Because when she says things like that, it refers to things decided at least 24 hours ago. Given that we were totally online the ENTIRE night yesterday to the point of dawn together, she never once had the courtesy to tell me earlier. Of course, the shock could have been the same amount.

She lives by the rule,”don't get your hopes up before things are confirmed”- she like confirmation.
I like honesty... sometimes to a ruthless and merciless extent.

Sometimes, I think my method works better. At least the doctor says things like,”get ready, she is about to die.”Her version would be likened to “she's dead.”

She is by nature, a very sensitive person.
I am by nature, find that kind of sensitivity useless to some extent.
At least for me, her sensitivity of hiding things from me hurts me more than to shield me from the pain. Because when you eventually find out, it's like a sudden removal of the shield and getting the hurt full blast and upfront (because you don't have buffer time and space).

ARGH.

I don't expect her to live my methods... because that would be unfair to her...
But I hate how I feel about this event.

But then again, if I don't feel upset enough- it doesn't show how much her words means to me...

Oh. My tears are really salty.

I don't know...

The last time I did a personality test, I was rated as childish.

Perhaps, it's true.

That's why I still believe in what people say- my innocent persistence to believe in what people say...

Should I grow up living with suspicion and lies on my part?

Make promises, then break them.

Not keeping to things you say.


.
.
.
I think I'm hormonal now..

But to say the least, I'm slightly grown up because I make up lies and suspect people.

Eventually, I want to live in world where I won't have to do this.

My other friend would chastise me for thinking this way- telling me how I was being impossible...
.
.
.
That alone may be my greatest motivation not to grow up...

By:: ice
Time:: 8:06 AM
Comments:: 0

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

181207

Strangely, I am lured by this song Rhapsody by The Trax.

Even before I decided to check out its translation on the internet, I couldn't bring myself to stop the player from playing this song. This song was the first song I heard from my laptop upon start up and the last song I heard from the lap top upon shut down.

I have no idea why I was so entranced by this song.

It may have been the composition-

-the vocals that clearly expressed his sadness

-or fragments of English I could understand

Perhaps, it could just be the effect of the audio version I had- it sounded like it was recorded in a pub. In some ways or another- it could have the effect of lulling me into a fantasy-like sad mode.


I think this hopeful spirit will reach
To the ends of the boundless sky
Playing this feeling that won't become words
Until the time comes when I can spread my wings and fly

My heart resounds with rhapsody
Please hold me in the silence
This Melody embraces a love
That seems to be falling apart
I want you to hold me this way
Forget about the passing of time
Until this world ends
I love you

Silent strokes carving out the flowing of time
Like the sigh of a rose seeking the rain
the petals are trembling quietly
until they're dyed red, until desire is replaced with love

My heart resounds with rhapsody
Please hold me in the silence
This Melody embraces a love
That seems to be falling apart
I want you to hold me this way
Forget about the passing of time
Until this world ends
I love you

My heart resounds with rhapsody
Please hold me in the silence
This melody embraces a love
That seems to be falling apart
I want you to hold me this way
Forget about the passing of time
When this world ends
This song will resound forever

I love you

By:: ice
Time:: 7:47 AM
Comments:: 0

Monday, December 17, 2007

SUPER PISSED ENTRY 171207

It seems like I enjoy blogging the most on EMO days- where the roads are still wet and cool from the rain. The addition of an EMO song upon the weather makes the best condition for emotional blogging. However, I don't seem to have any materials on hand that can spiral into some form of emotional or intellectual blogging. By all means, I avoid rantings as much as possible.

Perhaps, I would venture more into the aspect of my daily live with as little rantings as possible.

a) If I have to choose btw Margarita and Red Wine... It's Red Wine for me. I don't enjoy the acid and gas feeling within me.
b) Thinking you ate lesser and sleeping the right number of hours doesn't automatically make you lose weight. In fact, you freaking gain.

Now. I must stop my acting-saneness and bitch.

I seriously have to bitch.

I get into a SERIOUSLY BAD MOOD when I have to communicate with my father on ANY ACCOUNT.

And I just did.

And now I'm damn fucking pissed.

He's like pointing his finger at me and the way he talks is just fucking rude. And he assumes authority over all fucking shit.

It's like a stranger doing all that to you.

But by reflex you feel pissed by this stranger.

Nothing about him pleases me. NOTHING. The way he farts like he fucking owns all the air and smiles about it. How he dirties his room. How he is super inconsiderate. How he demands things. How he slams the door or knocks on doors harshly. And How he demands everyone to stay quiet for him.

I'm FUCKING pissed.

He's like threatening me into working. 200 bucks.

Honestly, its damn fucking good pay.

But then again, if he thinks Im going to be grateful to him because of the 200 bucks, I'd rather NOT do it. If he thinks that employing me will automatically him superior towards me. It's NOT going to work. I'm proud of myself when I could retort or use vulgarities in front of him.

It's my life long mission NOT to back down in front of him. Who does he think he is? People say things like he is your father, you must be filial to him.

When I say, you don't know my house politics, how messed up my house can be- none of you believe me. You think I'm exaggerating. I don't know how frequent domestic abuse takes place. But since I virtually live in a world created from dramas and fantasy- I believe domestic abuse is wrong and happens on a very rare basis. This GIRL experienced it. And if it happens during your childhood when your brain is like a sponge absorbing things around you- it will remain etched in your brain for the rest of your life.

Probably the only thing he did as a father towards me is providing the sperm and providing monetary support which often isn't enough. Beyond that- none that I can recall. So what I can do is to provide money for him for him when he gets old. Other than that- it is going to be very hard for me to accomplish. My ideal way for him to get lost is either through a plane crash where his body can never be found or sent to some home for the aged.

Sometimes, I wish I was never bornt. So that I don't have to live in this world which is turning uglier by the minute. So that I won't become a burden to my mom- so that she would be liberated from my father upon divorce with my elder sister will grown up. Have I mentioned before? I was an accident. Because my Mom took out the effort to raise me and because of the episode I saw my strong mom breaking down in front of me- I love my mom even more and detest my dad even more. Who is my dad to make my mom so sad and angered?

What makes me so pissed is the fact that she is still reluctant to divorce him. She still loves him- i think. But WTH is a marriage if they decide to live in seperate room since forever? My best friends try to euphemsize the situation. I don't blame them. But this household is extremely estranged with the man around. They say its politics. If I'm 21, the situation would be better.

Sometimes, I seriously wonder how this man can continue wanting to live. Both his offsprings couldn't care less about him. The maid only performing courtesy tasks. His siblings detest him. He probably doesn't have any true friends. The only person who tries is my mom. Then again, they almost quarrel each time. I don't understand. Shouldn't he take his own life by now?

I shall go and inquire my friends. 200 bucks and get pissed eternally? Or 200 poorer, bored but less frustrated.

BTW: I tried poisoning him on several acct and refused to help him with anything technical on several more accts.

Who wants to help him if he doesn't learn, or claims to want to learn then gets pissed at the computer for his inability?

He threatens to smash the NEW computer with Vista. I curse him. That's RIGHT. It's YOUR FUCKING INABILITY TO USE THE COMPUTER. Don't blame the NEW computer. If you can't move on- go end your life. In this way, things will remain the way you like it. Then he bitches about me to my mom. What a FUCKING loser. Can't even say it in MY face, can't you?

If you can use all those vulgarities in front of me, to my mom or to me, why can't we? You have no IP over those words so you SHOULD be ready to receive them as well. Although my linguistic ability is very far from being on par to yours, I know well enough when you are bitching or not. And I know well enough to BITCH back.

GO back to your lonely self in your fucking cell, wanking to porno girls with huge boobs while waiting for the results for horse racing. I hope you die of suffocation there. PEACE OUT.

By:: ice
Time:: 4:12 AM
Comments:: 0

101207

SO here I am again, apparently all stuck with this old laptop without internet access.

It seems to me that typing this has become my last resort in passing my time before i fall back into the safe hands of slumber land. However this will not be long for I have bandaged 2 of my fingers. And unlike most functions, typing requires all ten fingers. The retardation caused by two of my fingers will cost me... some time. Well, that is what I intend to do anyway.

Typing is not something that I would deem as a last resort thing to do. I mean, I love typing- and that is because I see myself to be one of the fastest typist around, regardless of my typos. It just so happened this way. I could choose to read the book 'The Malice Box' which would lead me by the hands into LaLa land, but I chose not to- my point is made.

Well, now I shall revisit and make known to all my fans out there, *insert grunt here * the things I have been up to these few days. In short, I will give an outline:
a) Shopping
b) Searching for Jobs
c) Searching for Language School
d) Discussing about trip to Korea
e) My misplaced friends
f) Driving Lessons

As for shopping, that's basically how I lived my life that is away from the computer- I haven't done any cardio-vascular activities for quite a while already. So I shopped with K mainly- but I have recently development an allergy towards it. There is apparently nothing much to shop in Singapore but then again, this may be the only reason to my social activities...My life is so sad.

Well, job searching is what everyone of us should be doing now. Seriously. I don't care how old you are- just so long as you are over fourteen, start finding a job. I don't care how much you earn, how much creditials you have- because when the heat of job searching creeps upon you during your 'o' and 'a' break, you sure loogi if you don't have any previous experience. Take my word for it.

And job searching is tough. If you intend to go to recruitment agencies, go to Intl Plaza at Tanjong Pagar. One stop. But you have to learn how to recognise names of Recruitment Agencies and how to use their complicated lift system. As of 4 Dec 07, Intl Plaza is standing on a site of mass construction.

Well, JM and I also considered picking up Korean for real at a Language School. Honestly, I have very little idea why I want to learn Korean. Now, my source of motivation would be my past efforts working into it. As to what sparked it off remains a mystery to me. Perhaps, there still remains a longing to be acknowledge as an exchange student there. However, when I searched my views with my mom, she opposed- nearly violently. I won't blame her. The value of the Korean language in the current Singapore society is little. By JM's keenness and protests, we narrowed to 3 options- Lingo School, NUS ext agency or Singapore Korean School. We haven't decided on which we will be undertaking our lessons from, but our criteria lies on distance, price, reputation and timings. Yet I am opening myself to another offer- self study. But JM refuses violently. I shall ignore that bitch completely and think independently. This woman is treading all over me recently- now she hits me when she doesn't have it her way. She needs to have a boyfriend to bully- soon.

Another thing about Korean Language- it was to facilitate our Ideal Korean shopping trip. I don't know what is WRONG with JM but she keeps insisting on Shopping 90%, beauty 5% and skiing 5%. Well, recently, she added in Theme Park. She said she wants to try the scary rides and scream her head off. And if I were to go with her alone, I will be FORCED to sit with her. And I'm scared shitless when I think about that. And now she is threatening me that she won't go to Noraebang and PC bang with me if I don't make it there with her. She is making me have second thoughts about going to KR with her- I have so many things I want to do and YET she thinks only of shopping or flying to JP to watch cherry blossoms. o.0 If I were to put my list of things I want to do in Korea- you will be amazed at my extensive research effort made into it. One day, I will put it up.

Anyway, if anyone wants to join us on our Korean escapade, you are most welcome to. This was purely imagined by 2 friends one day and decided to act on it. Let me know and I'll contact you later on.

About the driving lessons- I hate the price and I hate the law. I hate how they jack prices up so high. Fuckers.

Finally, about my misplaced friends:
i)Chua Annaling whom I affectionately calls Chua: WTF r u?
ii)Hwang Sini whom is my beloved Korean net dongsaeng

I may have to call in reinforcement to make sure they are still breathing. Hmm...

By:: ice
Time:: 4:12 AM
Comments:: 0

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