Get to know your ward members - Artie Furb

The first thing you're going to want to know about me is that I'm a lover, not a farter. See, get what I just did there? What I really am is a joker. I love to joke and tease. Mild practical jokes are my specialty. One of these days when the cops show up at your house to tell you that your son is missing, it may be true, or it may be me, just playing a joke on you. You just never know. And that's why it's hilarious, and you've always got to be on your toes when you're around me.

I was born in 1940 in the back of a potato chip truck. Oh, wait. No, that's where I was concieved. I was born in the front seat of a station wagon on the way to the hospital. My dad didn't realize how far along my mother was in labor, and so he stopped off to get a malt at the malt shop in town. He still would have made it in time to get to the hospital, but he also applied for a job while he was there, was given a job on the spot, and started work right away. 30 minutes later, I was born.

My parents named me Chilton Van Hubbard. A name I always hated. So when I turned 18 I marched straight down to the court house and changed my name to Artie Furb. I realize now I made a terrible mistake. But at the time, I thought I had made the right decision. So many things in my life are that way, and I'm guessing it's the same for you. You think you should buy a Geo. You become an accountant. You call a bunch of lumberjacks "sissies". You think no one at work will find out about your cross dressing. You know what I'm talking about. On the one hand, there's no going back. On the other hand, it's these things that shape us and make us who we are. It's these things that we look back and laugh about. Except for that lumberjack thing. Those guys are still after me.