griscilla pan

Dilemma of the Day:
the worldly charmingly wrinkled mature man or the too-cute endearing idealistic young punk?


everytime the hols roll around, i hole up at home and engage in these mind-boggling discussions with myself in my head. can't be too healthy, this.
anyway looks like i'm headed to perth in june! woohoo.

learning.

i've been home for two days alr, and to be honest i've been feeling rather disoriented really. suddenly i am thrown back into the chaotic trivialities of family living, my mother's nagging, my sisters' mess, my mess. i've still got a heap of personal items that i've not cleared up. because my room is already littered with several heaps here and there, my table, the area near my bed, i feel almost like i'm in a pigsty of my own. i've got so many things! and so little space here. what with all the things i already have at home.

ok hahaha im not sure why i'm writing about this, but i just wanto say i really like using post-its. especially those Post-It brand ooh-coloured ones! the wall in front of me is filled with post-its of every kind, shape, size and colour, and age. some have been there since j1 i think.  i just haven't been sitting at my desk at home long enough to really notice the tremendous amount of paper i have flapping away in the wind in front of me when i look up from tapping on the laptop. the flapping is like a soundless orchestra by itself! if this is starting to sound weird to you you probably don't use post-its much.

ah but ya, i am feeling disoriented! all the noise when i wake up in the morning! all the noise the whole day! all that laundry! all that dishes! i'm not living alone anymore. i can't go about wherever whenever i want anymore. it's going to take awhile to get back to getting used to these.

ah but anyhow, there are many nice movies out now! and i am very happy! i shall be doing my 10am movie outings again! that long lost feeling of gallivanting around the mall when it's nice and empty and devoid of the mad stampeding anxiety-inducing crowds. i can happily bask in the ridiculous heady hopeful feeling after a rom-com at 11am, browse in an almost empty bookstore and hope that i will meet like-minded boys who wake up in the wee hours of the morn.
...

HAHAHA ok i shall stop. luckily for me all those people reading this blog are people who already know me too well. and in real life. so they know that i'm not the crazy banana i sometimes sound like here hahah.

anyway fantastic four, can we please go to kbox (or better, cheaper alternative) sometime, i am finally self-assured enough to (or rather, comfortable with) introducing youall to my terrible off tune voice already. i've been humming 沒有如果 everyday now. and speaking of that, ethan ruan in the show is damn awesome. he acts so good i want him to fall in love with me, pleasepleasee. i have seriously evaluated my chances even, and unfortunately, the lucas character is unlikely to like me because i am not "gheng" enough. when i see the cockroach i am unlikely to attack it with my file. even when i am mugging for the most important exam in my whole life in the whole wide world i will never forget to eat. and i am even less likely to run 10km ever, much less when i'm sick.

okayyyyy it is now 10pm and i am feeling sleepy. the good thing about being home? i'm back to my healthy lifestyle. eat healthy, sleep healthy. travelling anywhere is just about as inconvenient though. great inertia! friends you must persuade me to go out more or i will be in front of my tv 24/7. if you could ask me out to badminton/blading several times a week for the next few months that would be the bomb!!

anyway i was talking to WK the other day, and he was telling me about his buddy D, who i happen to know. not very well, but enough to know what he was telling me about him. D is born in 1986. he is currently 24yo. he is in his first year in university, same as you and me. he is taking a 4 year course, which means he will be 28yo when he graduates. you know how we girls go around thinking oh.my.god i'm so old already and i've not even accomplished anything in my life i don't know what to do with my life i'm so old whine whine whine. but even as we are getting older, we should probably take heart and appreciate that we are also at the same time, still quite young. and tender. and carefree. and still have time and youth on our side. if you stop and think about it, for D, his situation is really bloody damn scary. he is going to enter the workforce and make his first foray into the working world at 28. not the best time of your life to be taking baby steps, yes? i can imagine the immense pressure he must be feeling to excel and to succeed. he doesn't have the benefit of time for mistakes and failed attempts. must be a strike on the first. pressurising. so even though my motto has always been: don't kill yourself studying; do whatever makes you happy. i empathise. and i now see why some people try so hard and put in so much of their heart and soul into academics. because as a normal stream student and a poly student, the alternative routes offered by our rigid academic system has taken 3 precious years from him. no wonder they're so grounded and less moved by inspirations and self-discovery and seeing the world, because their situation in life doesn't really allow them enough security to venture beyond what they feel they need to do.

so anyhow, my point is. ya we need to start finding our way and making decisions, but don't stress. we do still have time, even if the years are creeping up on us. and i am so going to be nicer to older people now. i was part of the: eh wah why so old ah! bunch. how painful it must be for them to see us little mindless unknowing girls frolicking around happily whining about our lives.

what a serious note to end my random ramblings on.

on thursday night, when i was supposed to be sleeping and dreaming about statistics when i got into bed at 1130, i kept playing back the days in hall in my head as i lay there staring up at the ceiling and listening to the fan. and i felt a flush of deja vu. the first few nights in hall back last august i spent them alone. and now the bed and table on my left is once again bare and empty. it was like everything has come one full circle, it was a funny, rather illogical feeling. this, will definitely be a chapter in my life that i remember even in years to come. yknow, i really love how we are friends like that. i really appreciate how we are such friends. that everything is easy, light, silly, funnny and fun but deep, intense, connected, supporting, understanding. we feeds my soul so good, that i find myself trying to force all my relationships with other people into our mould. being with you so much makes me forget that these take time and with new people i shouldn't be imposing my expectations and approaching them with lenses completely blinded by our wonderfully high standard that has weathered so much, and time. i taught you some, and you helped me learn about some. it was a good year, with you.

i am having my lunch now. it is my lunch break. i walked all the way to nanyang mart but there was still no hanako bread. i was going to hole myself up with hanako bread for all meals till tomorrow night sigh. so i ended up buying a pack of waffles which i've never tried before that i found out while on the way back expires today fantastik. and a can of cocktail sausages. i realised i haven't eaten sausages IN A LONG TIME. i'm going to ask my mom to cook me prawn balls and sausages and steamed egg on sat!!

anyway actually i'm not having my lunch. because i cannot surf the net and eat at the same time. my incompetence at dividing my attention between activities is a great inconvenience and is not in line with my whole efficiency advocate stance.

anyway i just took a bath. my second one today, and it's not even 12pm yet. i took one around 9 and yes i just took my second less than 3 hours after. IT'S TOO HUMID. even when i don't go anywhere i feel warm. blasting the fan at full speed doesn't really help much there's just too much air concentrated at the top of my head which i'm sure is never healthy. it doesn't really diffuse the stale air/heat in the room either. and my facial muscles are so tense i can't wait to sleep well tomorrow night. finaaaaally.

yawn bye i shall not use up all my lunch break blogging.
eh and val i read alr la.
i have to blog sneakily in case our loomie comes up behind me

maybe because it's the exams, maybe because it's nothing,
why do i feel like i'm always initiating. and waiting. you to do something about this nothing. or something. if it's something, are you still going to do nothing? there's still a limit to how far i can assert myself. there's still a line i'm not willing to cross, i'm already almost at the line are you not going to do your part and come forward? i don't like to shuffle my way around, but i'm not going further if you don't give me a sign. like shuttle run. if i get to the line and there's nothing there for me, i'm going back.


maybe i just need to sleep.
maybe the dread of statistics is taking over my insides and making me think funny.

I am addicted to reading Ree's love story of falling in love (duh) with a cattle rancher cowboy now cowman aka Malboro Man.

On friday while i was lying on my mum's bed trying to absorb some gibberish about groupthink i attempted to whine to my 9yo sister
"meliaaaa it's my birthday and i have to study for examsss succkss i hate studyingggg i have so many things to study one whyyy"

"eh you think you're the only one who has to study meh. i also got exams. i also got alot of things to do you know? monday english oral ah.then tuesday chinese oral leh! then next week still got practice paper somemore."

and she said all that while passing through my mum's room on the way out to practice on the piano.
wah, whining attempt fail. that's what you get when you try to whine to your little not-so-puny 9yo sister whose concept of stress is the upcoming past year paper she's about to do in class in a week's time. isn't it cute? that that's what academic stress is to her. so, i thought about what she said and hey, so maybe when we're 30 and we listen to the punks in the seat in front of us on the bus complaining about their sem finals we'll roll our eyes and think, please you think your life is tough?! i'd gladly swop places.

and guess what? i don't even have to meet punks on buses. i will get to hear it all the time at home, from a 25yo and a 19yo everyday. (!!) woe is me. no, woe will be me, 10 years from now.

im really bad at this whole home alone thing. catastrophically bad. it's almost like im emotionally crippled, just becuase there's no one else around. i never thought of myself as needy or clingy. but this, is definitely it. veryveryveryveryvery bad. i have no idea why. it might be a manifestation of some unrealised insecurity of mine that has been lying under my skin all along. i really don't know this time. it puzzles me too, that i am at ease hanging out alone so much but i can't stay in a room/house by myself? pourquoi?? and here i am, budding psychologist. bravo.

so far, i have bought myself a tub of ice cream instead of a proper dinner, yes A TUB, when i have no fridge and i can't possibly stomach everything in one sitting. eaten less than a quarter of it and had to deposit it in some kind soul's fridge (which i hate to do i always refrain from buying anything that needs to be refrigerated because inconveniencing others burdens me alot). and just only twenty minutes ago cleaned off 3/4 of a can of tuna mayonaise. and just spent one and a half hours perched on my very tiny stool outside in the corridor with my notes.

and random, but do i scare people? do i scare you, my friends? with the way i like you. the way youguys are always on my mind somewhere sometime somehow that i drop youall random smses or emails or notes. that i just like seeing youall in person and talking to youall in person about deep stuff, that i pick up on tiny trivial information in the midst of other more important things you are actually telling me about? i just wanto be your friend but maybe sometimes 1) they get the wrong idea 2) they get scared away/put off

i might be pmsing. zz i am becoming those blog-only-when-pmsing bloggers.

I AM SO FREAKING BORED.
not that i have nothing to do, or study rather. BUT. my eyes feel like they're going to pop out even though i'm not wearing contacts, i feel like my neck is about to snap i feel warm and sticky i just feel like i've reached saturation point. ím feeling like im dying from spinsterhood depression. all that late adulthood psychology is getting to my headdddddddd and the more i read the more i try to memorize the more i feel like IM BELONG IN THAT STAGE OF LIFE. so i should be sitting in a rocking chair on my veranda happily knitting and staring out into vast greenery and smelling the fragrance of grass. INSTEAD, i am cooped up here in my room by the door trying to get what limited fresh air i can. two very empty rooms with only one of me. i feel like looking for some interaction but i can't even do that because everybody is mugging their crazy souls out and i need to show some restraint in disturbing people from their books at this excruciating period of gloom for all. AND I HAVE A PAPER TMR. damnit. there is still 5 hours to my tv show, and 6 till when i can go to bed and another 17 hours before i wake up to my favourite time of the day: MORNING. and i can't even find the heart or motivation to do brainless things like surf thepioneerwoman or metrodad or karencheng. i feel like rolling down a hill. WHAT DO I DO NOWWW till 17 hours later.

it has been two rather productive days, but today is. can this get any worse. something make me happy please! nowww