"Pssst, Ann! Have you ever heard what The

Book of Mormon says about ectomorphs?"

Mitt Romney Threatens to Kick Terrorist Butt on the Slopes;

Winter Tourism in the Rockies May Suffer

Manufacturer of Trial Balloons Expects Upsurge in

Demand Between Now and November, 2008

Bill Kristol, the editor of The Weekly Standard, is older

than he looks. He just has what is called a 'baby face'.

"I, Ayad Allawi, have paid $300,000 to Haley Barbour, the

Governor of Mississippi, to install me in place of the

democratically-elected Governor of Alabama. And I

expect results within one or two Friedman Units!

Or else!"

"Welcome to beautiful Baghdad, ladies and gentlemen!

Um, sorry I forgot to tell you to duck."

Terry Fator, Winner of America's Got Talent

Glenn Beck, Winner of America's Got Dipshits

"Sieg Heil, Mein Dubya!"

Too late, the BASE jumper realized that 'Camelback'

and 'parachute' were not synonymous.

Jabba the Hutt Undergoing Cataract Surgery

Palestinian Playing Dig Dug

Competition is keen in this year's Congressional Earmark Derby.

Although Bradley Schlozman resigned from

the Justice Department just last week, he

now claims he doesn't recall doing it.

Alberto Gonzales' Recollection Difficulties Traced

to Faulty Memory Module

Politics. Noun, Plural. (from poly='many' and

ticks='bloodsucking parasites'). SEE Dogs.

Hillary Clinton Acting Out How a New Terrorist

Attack Would Benefit the GOP

Most people don't know how to comfort a wombat.

Alex Bautista shows us how.

"Fuck these abs of steel! I'm so hungry right now I

could eat a Triple Meat Triple Cheese Whataburger!"

"George, where did you get that godawful checkered shirt?"

"Welcome, America, to my favorite monument,

Mount Bushmore."

"Yeah, Sarko, it's just as the Bible prophesied about

us: 'There were giants in the earth in those days'."

Scientists say they have no idea why Ted Nugent didn't

become extinct when all the other dinosaurs did.

If you have a pet octopus around the house, did you

know it can be trained to unscrew the caps and lids on

all those hard-to-open bottles and jars?

In the Iraqi meat market, ministers come in eight

grades: Prime, Choice, Select, Standard, Commercial,

Utility, Cutter, and Canner. Nouri al-Maliki, once

graded Prime, was recently downgraded to Canner.

Ted Nugent says he is "almost Ward Cleaver-ish,

but with more guns and enthusiasm."

"When I put my cast up for bid on eBay, Tony,

how much do you think it might fetch?"

"You say you are Gordon Brown's predecessor, eh?

Wait, don't tell me! I'll think of your name in a minute."

Observers say Senator Lieberman's wounds from the

arrows of outrageous fortune are self-inflicted.

New Stone Age Being Bombed Back to the Old Stone Age

George Bush was almost giddy upon hearing he had been

entered into the Guinness Book of World Records as the

'Most Profoundly Shallow President in American History'.

Lantern Salesman Admits He Can Only Find

His Way Home at Night

Conation is defined as 'the aspect of mental processes or

behavior directed toward action or change and including

impulse, desire, volition, and striving'. In other words, it

is the clinical term used to explain why men of science

feel the urge right now to reach out and touch these tits.

"Hey, I'm not a pin, so why is an angel dancing on my head?"

Drudge Report Funnies #12

"WOMAN SETS FIRE TO EX-HUSBAND'S PENIS..."

The VFW conventioneer hoped her snapshot would do justice

to the President who had done so much to increase

membership in her organization.

Halloween costume retailers are reporting a surge

in demand for Roger Stone and Richard Nixon masks.

Who God Had in Mind When He Created

the 'Greedy Bastard' Species

Roger Stone's ultimate dirty trick was to put his opponents

into a negative light by setting himself on fire.

Accused of carrying a chip on his shoulder, Simone

was able to prove that it was actually Jens Lehmann.

The cyclist had been warned not to get too close to

Roger Stone, the GOP dirty trickster.

Riot Police Heading Upstreet to Spawn

Sam Brownback claims his campaign signs have more

red, white, and blue in them than Ron Paul's.

License Plate for Volleyball Fans

Stephen Colbert Pointing Out the Next Target of His Satire

Mike McConnell, Director of National Intelligence, says

"too much intelligence can make you sad, like me."

When Zombies Play Soccer

Told to 'go fly a kite', he did just that.

"This is no 'summit'! The altitude here is only 118 feet!"

Robert Novak is at it again. This time he has outed

Peter Potamus, an underwater CIA operative.