Bookends

Grandie died early Sunday morning. 

They made sure my grannie was by his side, holding his hand, as she has been for the past three weeks, or really, for the past 68 years.

Hard to believe those two have been married since she was 18 years old. 

BT and I talked the other day, after he died, about the fact that after almost 5 years, we can't imagine life without the other.  Let alone 68 years.  Twice the time I've been on this earth....

So I drove up to Memphis Monday morning.  A friend of mine texted me, saying, just like many have, how they cannot WAIT for the new year for us.  I wrote her back saying that I just had to think that maybe this was a bookend.  In a house full of books like my grandparents', it somehow seemed appropriate.

A bookend to a year of loss, a year of growth, a year of realization that all does not always go as we planned.  That our plans are not our own, and that sometimes we just have to accept the fact that we have zero control, and be okay with it. 

The art of letting go...

I've grown up around the serenity prayer.  At least since I was eleven.  And in a year like this, I still find it surprising to thank God for changing my family so many years ago, for the better, for showing us how grace does in fact suffice, and how we are totally okay in giving things up to something bigger and better than ourselves. 

I don't know if we all could have gotten through this year if God hadn't done work on each and every one of us a long, long time ago....

Most folks know the main part of the serenity prayer.  The one that's repeated all over the world every day.  But many don't know the rest.  The part that, I think, holds even more power and gives the most peace:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

We have high hopes for 2012. 
We've been saying many prayers. 

But as we all know well enough now, it's not up to us. 

A little scary, a lot freeing. 

So we said goodbye to a man yesterday.  A man of importance to all of us.  He married the love of his life sixty-eight years ago.  He parachuted with the 101st airborne division into the beaches of normandy.  He got trenchfoot from the Battle of Bastogne.  He liberated the concentration camps, and to his last day, could still smell the stench of those evil places.  He used to chew tobacco until he finally gave it up when I was younger.  He once got out of a ticket on the way from Memphis to Mobile by charming the police officer with pictures of his grandchildren.  He prayed and prayed and prayed, and in his last days, told my dad he didn't know why he just couldn't get through that door....

He got through the door Sunday morning. 
I for one think it's appropriate it happened on a Sunday.

So before I left their house yesterday, I got a set of bookends from his house of books. 

To commemorate the year. 
Of loss.
Of pain.
Of laughter.
Of joy.

A bookend. 

A beginning.

And end.

And a beautiful middle.

Memphis

I went to Memphis this weekend for what could be my last visit with my Grandie. 

We don't really know how long he's going to hang on, but there's a chance that it may not be until Christmas, and that means I had to take advantage of the time I had with him.  Lucky for me, I have a great 2nd half, much better than me, who was more than welcoming to the idea of me going and him staying with Thomas.  Sometimes, his openness and kindness simply blows me away.

So I went. 

I drove up Saturday morning and spent the morning with him.  We talked and laughed and kept things lighthearted.  He ate meatloaf for lunch and had a vanilla ice cream shake for dessert.

Part of the afternoon was spent with my mother, my aunts, and my grannie at the house, picking out special keepsakes and things I've always loved:

The bronze little house with a tree that holds their keys by the back door...

The baby book my grannie had for me, the one BT looked at last night and immediately said, 'oh my gosh, that looks JUST like Thomas....'

The civil war and WWII books for BT....

The framed silhouette of me at 22 months.....

Many old and worn copies of some of the classics: Gone with the Wind, Dickens' Christmas Stories, Treasure Island...

(Have I mentioned my Grandie has a library at his house of over three thousand books?)

Their colored glass bottle collection, the one that sits in their breakfast room window, where at the right time of day, the sunlight pours through those colored glass bottles making a rainbow of colors on the other wall....

The framed picture of the Gulf of Mexico, with the sea oats billowing, the picture that my Grannie said she didn't want to take with her to Mobile when the time comes because it makes her too sad, thinking of all the happy memories there....

None of it has much monetary value, but to me, it's worth a million dollars.

That night, my mom, dad, aunt Becky and I went to dinner.  The stress and exhaustion my parents and aunts are experiencing is palpable.  I feel it too, but a little less.  I don't have the immediate responsibility of what's about to occur.  Clearing out a home, selling a home, moving a woman 7 hours south...

They are tired.  They are worn down.  But they are strong, and still, we managed smiles and laughter over dinner, and it was nice.  Pleasant.

And Sunday morning, before I left, I went back over to see my Grandie one more time. 

We sat in his room, alone, and talked of our lives together.

He talked about his childhood, growing up in Birmingham, fishing off the banks of Lake Purdy, where his momma always made a picnic lunch of fried chicken and devilled eggs....

"Tell BT the little island to the left of the center of the lake, the one with all the nooks, it's where all the Brim hide.  Tell him that for Thomas," he said.

When I said we thought Birmingham was home, he said he sees us in a big, comfy house, on top of Shades Mountain, where Thomas and any other children we may have will have plenty of room to play and be kids, outside, in the cool mountain breeze.

Somewhere peaceful, he said, because we deserve it.

And then we both cried.  Over a wonderful life, over a sad year. 

He cried telling me how God never gives us more than we can handle, but that he wished in every way that he could take my burdens away, and I thought to myself that the scariest thing about the story of Job is that no one ever tells you when all the trials are done....

We held hands.

We wiped tears.

I told him I loved him.

I kissed him.

And I drove back home.

Thanksgiving

Gratitude is the inward feeling of kindness received. Thankfulness is the natural impulse to express that feeling. Thanksgiving is the following of that impulse.
~Henry Van Dyke

We spent Thanksgiving in Montgomery this year.  Just for the day, and it was great.

Great family, great food, great post-lunch nap, great weather, great all around.

I've been a little busy lately, so I haven't had as much time as I would like to write on here, but your many thoughts & prayers are appreciated as we are now dealing with the sickness of another one very close to me and my family.  My grandie, my dad's dad, is experiencing end-stage heart failure and has been in and out of the hospital for the past two weeks.  I went up there two weeks ago when he was first admitted to help out my grannie until my dad could get up there that evening.

This man parachuted into the beaches of Normandy. 

He saw his buddies killed in battle.

He slept in a subway tunnel in France with mortars blasting above.

For us, he is Santa, every single year we spend Christmas with him.

He pops his gum really loud, walks with a cane, and wears dentures that he used to pop out at me when I was little because it made me laugh.

One year, he had us all travel to Memphis for his 80th birthday dinner at the Peabody, for us only to do the math once we were eating to realize it was actually his 79th.  :-)

He makes really bad coffee.  I mean really bad, and yet, I drink it, because it's grandie's coffee.

He makes legendary breakfasts, and his grits are the creamiest I've ever tasted.
He uses 'thou' and 'thee' in prayers, as if he totally understands the reverence of worship.

He has been married to the same woman, my grannie Sara, for over 68 years.

So, this year, my heart was and is full of Thanksgiving, on Thanksgiving day, and today. 

This year has been hard. 
This year has been unbearable. 
But we just keep going, keep praying, and keep breathing.

Because really, what else is there to do?
Happy Thanksgiving.

Grandie & his Great-Grandson

Grandie & his Son

Santa Claus!

Ok, we have ZERO idea where or when this kid got obsessed with Santa, but it started a month or so ago.

All of a sudden, he recognized Santa on a commercial on TV, and since then, it's been Santa this, Santa that. 

The other day, Thomas was with me in Wal-Mart, and while we were checking out, he noticed Santa on their ad displays above the registers. 

He freaked.

I mean, started pointing and screaming, "Santa Claus! Santa Claus!" 

We got a few laughs.

So the other day, BT and I decided to go ahead and knock out the Santa picture trip. 

Can I just tell you--ever since we mentioned it, this kid has been talking about meeting Santa non-stop.  He even was ready, knowing that he would sit in Santa's lap, and tell Santa what he wanted for Christmas, then when the time came, and they were ready to take the picture, he practiced saying 'cheese!'

So yesterday, I picked him up from school, and told him that as soon as Daddy got home, we were going to meet Santa.  "Meet Santa Claus?  Meet Santa Claus???" 

Yes, sweet boy.  Meet Santa Claus.  Then I made the mistake of telling him he would need to eat dinner a little quickly so we could go as soon as BT got home.

I have never seen him inhale macaroni and grapes as fast as he did last night. 

Well, he got a little star struck.  No tears, which was great, but this boy was so enamored, so star struck, he could barely muster a smile.  It was definitely his excited/shy face.  I know it well.

You see, yesterday was a really rough day for me.  It started when I was driving to work, on the cool, dreary, rainy day.  And I thought to myself, 'this weather is exactly like the day Kathryn was born.' 

And that's all it took.  The tears flowed off and on all day after that.

Even when good friends asked what they could do, there was nothing to say but nothing at all.

Sometimes, there's just nothing to do, and I just have to do it on my own.

But Santa, like many times before, he made it a little better.  My son made it a little better.  We walked through the winter wonderland, I watched him marvel over the massive Christmas tree, the fish, and the pretend presents.  We sat together inside the treehouse, all three of us, as a family...

Sometimes it takes forcing yourself into the magic of the possibility and make believe to just forget it all, even for a little while, on a regular rainy Tuesday night...

And then, well, everything just starts to feel okay again.

Dates

I know I haven't written much here lately, but it's just because it's all in my head and hard to get down.  Then I was going to write a post yesterday, as I was home with a sick boy, but I realized I left my computer at work. 

Remember when I wrote a post with the same title HERE? 

Now I'm dealing with a whole new significance in dates, and trying to get ready for what lies ahead in the next six months.

Thanksgiving Day will mark six months since Kathryn died. 

For some reason, the six month mark seems monumental.  I guess it's because when you have a baby, that six month mark means that baby is halfway to its first birthday...

On that same note, guess what Kathryn's birthday, what would have been her 1st birthday, falls on this year?

Mother's Day.

Seriously???

Talk about salt in wound. 

It'll be a bittersweet day, but lucky for me, I have about six months to prepare for it.  I actually noticed it when I was looking at T's school calendar and saw that his school's "Muffins with Mom" breakfast is on Friday, May 11th.  It hit me like a TON of bricks when I saw it.  And I just happened to notice it early morning, waiting for the coffee to finish brewing, alone, in my kitchen. 

But I didn't cry. 

For those of you who still pray for me, for us, this is an important step:  I haven't cried in a while.  Seeing as how I've cried more this year than any other year, it was a really strange feeling when I realized the other day, 'I can't remember the last time I cried about Kathryn...' 

I'm sure there are more tears to come, over the holidays, but the tears I have had lately, well, they're tears of joy. 

Tears over the beauty of it all, over my son's smile, over my husband's loving and wonderful nature, over anything, really. 

I guess when something like this happens, you just can't help but be overwhelmed by the beauty.

Don't get me wrong: there's a whole lot of darkness that comes with this.  Fears, anxiety, stress, but if I let myself focus on that part of it on a daily basis, well, I just might not get out of bed.  It's a weight, a burden, a heaviness, that just doesn't go away.  It's a little overwhelming at times, and a constant battle to not focus on it.  Because if I do, then I'd just simply worry over every. single. thing. 

Anyway, I realize many of you read this blog to sort of keep up with how we're doing since Kathryn, and I hadn't written much about it lately.  It's hard, you know?  To focus on it too much.  So I don't.  I'm trying to focus on all the blessings in my life, including her, instead. 

Month of Thanksgiving Day 9: I am thankful for this wonderful, beautiful, painful, joyous life....

Halloween!

Thomas was a football player for Halloween this year.  We sort of came upon this costume by default, as Party City was out of his other top three in his size (pirate, Woody, & Buzz), and mama ain't the creative type to make a costume.  Who has time for this?

But he seemed to take to this idea of being a football player pretty well, and it actually was great for him, since right now, he's really into throwing balls, playing ball and catch, complete with "Ready, set, go!"  In fact, just last night, we were throwing the little football in his room, and I threw it to him from completely across the room, and guess what?  He caught it!  Then he threw the mess out of  that thing.

So yes, he was all for wearing his "football costume," as he liked to call it. 

The Halloween weekend kicked off first with T's Harvest Day party at his school.  My, oh my, was he pumped for this thing.  I was one of the party moms, so I was there that day.  He came BOLTING out of his room at party time yelling, "party! party! party!"  In fact, he was so excited, he ran right past me, then noticed me and mustered a little, "hi, mama!" before he ran to sit down to his party table.  It was, I must say, simply adorable.

You can't tell, but this is his extremely happy/shy face

Saying 'cheese!' over and over again

Thomas loving his football 'costume'

VERY excited about the pumpkin cupcake

Football Player!

Thomas & Chloe at the Harvest Day Parade

These two are TOO cute.

More Harvest Day Parade!

Sunday afternoon, we finally carved our pumpkin.  It had been sitting in our kitchen since we got it from the pumpkin patch two weeks ago, so I think it was happy to finally fulfill its destiny.  Thomas did a great job helping, and was so proud of the results.

Helping spoon out the junk

Seasonally confused (T is very into Santa these days--not sure where it came from...)

My favorite part: roasting the pumpkin seeds.

Since T is still a bit too young for trick or treating (or more since we deemed this the last year we could get away with not trick or treating :), I left work early on Monday, and went to pick T up for his halloween suprise. He was so excited when I told him I was taking him to the Halloween parade. We had such a great afternoon together, and he had a blast!

Getting used to this parade thing

First Loot

Storing loot in the stroller, as mom forgot a bag

Happy Kid

First taste of a tootsie roll.  I think he's hooked now

Beads on person; tootsie roll in mouth.

One of the Halloween Floats

So excited that he caught a football

T and all his loot

I think I had more fun this year for Halloween than I've ever had before.  Kids' excitement is so contagious. 

And now, all of a sudden, just like that, it's November.  Before we know it, it'll be Thanksgiving, and then Christmas. 

I'll be honest: the holidays are going to be bittersweet for us all this year, on both sides of our families.  We're going to be missing two very special people a whole, whole lot.  And while we know we have much to celebrate, appreciate, and be thankful for, it still won't take away the void.  2011 has been tough, rough, excrutiating, and yet, never has there been a year where I have learned more, grown more, and experienced more joy amid the ache in my heart.

I know I've been lazy on the blog lately. 

But yall, there's just so much livin to do...

2

In all the madness, this letter is late, but, as they say....

Dear Thomas,

You turned TWO YEARS OLD on Friday!  I seriously can't even believe it.  You are, without a doubt, the coolest 2 year old I've ever known.  It's true what they say, you don't have to like most children to really, really like your own.

You have so many words now, that I couldn't even begin to list them.  My favorite times of the day are our conversations on the way to and from school.  You are so much fun to hang out with.

You love your ya-ya.  I haven't seen a kid more attached to his ya-ya since your Uncle Myles, long ago.  Your daddy wants to get rid of it cold turkey now that you're 2.  I want to take it a little slower.  I can't imagine snatching something away from you that you have used to soothe and comfort so much for the last two years.

You love going to school.  Every morning, when we pull into the driveway, you say with a big smile on your face, "Yay, school!"  I absolutely love that you love it, and you have made some wonderful friends there.  In the afternoons, when we leave, the older kids tell you bye, and you get the cutest smug little grin on your face.  I'll be honest, kid, I like that the kids like you.  It makes me feel better about you being in school, like you're growing socially in a way that can only be taught in school.

You love sleeping with your toys.  In fact, it's getting sort of out of hand.  Right now you sleep with: mickey, donald, teddy bear, giraffe, hercules, big monkey, little monkey, baby monkey, clifford, choo choo pillow, 2 buzz lightyears, woody, t rex, mr. potato head, sheep, and more.  It's a little ridiculous, and you won't be able to add much more and still have room for you!

We're lucky: you have yet to try to get out of your crib.  You seem perfectly content in there, and we aren't about to move you to a big boy bed when you're so happy contained. 

Coming into your room to get you up in the mornings is mine and Beau's favorite thing to do.

Speaking of Beau, you sure do love your dog, and he loves you.  I was so worried when you were born how the two of you would do together, and now, two years later, there is nothing like watching a boy with his dog.

You are so kind, so gentle, so silly, and you give the absolute best hugs.  I love when you look at me, say, "Hi, mamma," and lean over and hug my neck at the same time.  What's better than that???

I feel like I missed the late spring and early summer.  It was like all of a sudden, you grew and I was so consumed I missed it.  But even though you had a rough time while I was in the hospital, you seem to have bounced back wonderfully.  And one day, you'll understand it all....

So even though this is a few days late, I finally have quiet.  I'm in a hotel room overlooking Louisiana, with the sun rising late over a beautiful morning.  It's been nice to have these few days for work, to help me get recharged, but man I sure do miss you and your daddy.  Can't wait to wake you up in the morning.

Thank you for making us parents, Thomas, for teaching us to teach you....
Can't wait to keep watching you grow, sweet boy.

Love you.
So much.

MOM



Wordless Wednesday: A Dog's Life

Beau (right) and cousins Frankie & Sunday

Floors & Pumpkins....

This was the flooring weekend.

The one I have been dreading because I didn't have enough faith in my husband.

I thought, NO WAY could we do this by ourselves.

Guess what? 

WE DID! 

Of course, it took us moving all the furniture out on Thursday night, BT taking off work on Friday to remove the carpet, padding, and all tacks and nails, and us cleaning the floor and laying the vapor barrier Friday night so we could start first thing Saturday morning....

Then it took working from 9am until 10pm nonstop Saturday, followed by finishing touches, molding, etc. on Sunday morning from 8am until 1pm, but we got it done.

We got to use a miter saw, a jigsaw, a nail gun (with a pretty cool air compressor), levels, hammers, and more. 

In other words: my husband's dream :-)

Post-Carpet removal: dirty subfloor

Vapor Barrier Down!

My Poor Kitchen :-(

Two Rows in Place!

Four Rows!

Almost Halfway...We were getting tired by this point

Only the hard part left! 

Meeting up with the kitchen

BT getting to use his big level :)

THE TOOLS

Finished!

I am so glad we did this.  And even better, that we didn't kill each other in the process!

Thank you, GRAMPS, for keeping Thomas all weekend!  I think they had a blast together: feeding the ducks, going to the zoo, and the children's museum! 

We met BT's dad to pick up Thomas in Clanton yesterday and fit in the Pumpkin Patch, which if you haven't been to one, THIS is definitely a great one to go to.

Thomas LOVED all the people, the pumpkins, and especially the helicopter.  We had a fantastic time.  Nothing like a little indian summer, too.  It was a beautiful day, and even a little hot!

Thomas in his hat that Gramps gave him

Curious about all this pumpkin stuff...

Curious about this "hay" stuff

Can YOU see the fly on the pumpkin?  Thomas can!

Being his silly self

I LOVE this picture

Picking out the pumpkin to take home

LOVE

On that note, this momma's gonna be a bit sappy this week, I think, as my baby boy turns TWO on Friday! 

I can't believe it. 

Wordless Wednesday

Do not train boys to learning by force and harshness, but lead them by what amuses them, so that they may better discover the bent of their minds.-- Plato

Beach

Yall, what's better than the month of October (my favorite month, by the way)?  The BEACH in October! 

We kicked off the month with some wonderful friends from Mobile down at Orange Beach for a couple of days. 

Can I just say....FLAWLESS.   It's the only way to accurately describe the weather.  And we had a wonderful time.  How can you NOT, when this is your view?

And while we did that, Thomas did this:

So, yeah, I'm pretty sure he had a great weekend, too :-)

Will post more pics later, but Jessica was in charge of picture taking, so I have to wait on those pictures from her.

Oh Fall, how I love you....