Smitten

It doesn't take long to fall for a baby who is depending on you for love and care. It doesn't matter that he's not "yours." Baby C has my heart, and the contentment I feel when I put my cheek on his fuzzy head, or watch him sleep in my arms, or feed him a bottle, or especially when he smiles at me and coos... well, it's a contentment that maybe only a mama's heart can know. 

The children dote on him and treat him like a little prince. Isaac is especially fond of him. It warms my heart to see him love on Baby C, and I believe it is a foreshadowing of what a great father Isaac will be one day. Lauralyn also has a renewed interest in baby dolls and playing "domestic." Which is so very helpful, especially when the laundry gets folded without being asked.

I know in my head Baby C is probably going to leave. Maybe as soon as the end of January. But I feel a little like Hannah, pleading with God. Lord, please?? Yet, my logic checks in and I am reminded that a good family member is probably better suited to be his guardian. And if he was to stay with us, we would be in for a LONG, difficult journey before we would know the end result, an end result that may just break our hearts.

I try not to think about it too hard, and just enjoy him. He feels like a sweet little gift to me after a year full of heartache. Balm to a broken heart.

The Flu and Fostering

We had the flu. It came, it reeked havoc, it was a jerk. Four of the six of us Hauts fell ill. Noah and Daniel have avoided the worst (knock on wood). Hoping we remain healthy for a long long time.

During those 2 weeks of high fevers, coughs and sore throats, we were called to be placed with a baby girl. The day we were supposed to have her arrive, Kristin got the first positive flu test. Baby Girl was not meant for our home apparently. I had peace with this change in plan, largely because I still felt pretty sick, and I knew it just wasn't best for us or her.

A week later, we received a different placement. He arrived two days ago. Baby C is 5 weeks old and I admit, it's a shock to go back into baby mode after being on hiatus for so long. But, it's sort of like riding a bike. Feeding, burping, changing, spit up, fussing... it's all very familiar.

Baby C likely won't be with us long term. The plan is for him to be placed with relatives in the next 2 months or so. If that is God's plan, we are okay with that. We will love him as best as we can while he is with us. One thing we have learned fostering... never count on anything to happen as planned. There is One who knows the plan, and I rest in knowing He has it under control.

This sure is a good time of year to have a little one to love on. Baby C fits the bill pretty well. :-)

Flying Through Fall

And the countdown begins... 

~ 3 weeks until Kristin turns 6.
~ 3 weeks and 2 days until winter begins.
~ 3 weeks and 6 days until Christmas.
~ 4 weeks and 6 days until 2013 is here. 

But who's counting?

Thanksgiving Cuteness

Oh, how I love my sweet Kristin... she made my day. Yay for fun kindergarten crafts!

Just 4

This evening, I spent way too much time creating a half-way okay Christmas card to send out for the upcoming holiday season. The card is just alright. Being a photographer, it should be nicer. With better pictures. At the very least, each picture does capture the children's individual personalities. And if you know my kids, you know they definitely have their own personalities.

The card was not one I loved, a basic, pre-made template. It had just 4 lovely spots for each child to have their own picture, because LORD knows I can't get a decent shot of all 4 kids together that doesn't look totally fake and painfully posed. Four spots. Not five.

It sucks to know I had planned our Christmas card to be a birth announcement. There should be 5 faces on that card.

Yet, even as I continue to wish so badly things were different, even as I am sort of jealous my cousin had a baby today (she was due a week behind me, and I am grateful she delivered 2+ weeks late), I find rest in knowing my God has this. He is in control, and He loves me... even in the moments I doubt that love.

We are blessed with 4 children. In my plans, we would have 6 children right now. It hurts to know we are missing two on earth. I am so very thankful for each child... those living, and those in Glory. My hope is not here. My hope is in what God has set before the foundation of the earth. My hope is in the redeeming blood of Christ.

Before that sounds too cliché or trite, I have to remind you that I am so weak. My faith wavers, my hope decreases, I question, I get angry, and then I am gently reminded that I am not God. And He will not let me go, even as I kick and scream and push Him away. Such is His love.

And I am thankful, so very thankful, I can send a card out with 4 smiling faces.

Election Day Special

It's an important day. Election day. It's the first presidential election our kids understand to a degree... the older two are excited. I clearly remember watching the election between George Bush and Michael Dukakis way back in 1988. I was the same age as Isaac.





Isaac came home and decided to do a LEGO construction in honor of today. His idea. And he did it with no visual reference. Pretty cool, huh? At the podiums are Mitt Romney and Barack Obama... Mr. Romney at the red one and President Obama at the blue one respectively :-)

I reminded myself and my son that this election belongs to God. He is the one in control, and the winner is no surprise to Him. In fact, I believe fully that whoever wins has been God ordained for His purposes. It gives me peace no matter what the outcome.

*On a side note, I was standing on my back deck tonight, looking through the trees and I could see the building in which I casted my vote earlier today. I love small town living :-)

Back to {home}school

Lauralyn and I are into our second week of homeschooling. While we have had to iron out a few rough patches (her forgetting what school means, even though it's at home), over all I am really pleased with how things are going.

More time together has been great. I enjoy her company, she isn't very chatty, and I'm not either... so she doesn't wear me out like some of the other children who are dear to my heart. 

Bonus... she has been cleaning the kitchen without me asking her to!!!! God bless her for it!

Bonus... she WANTS to cook! So, on evenings we aren't running out, she will be picking our menu and helping to prepare the meal. And helping shop for ingredients of course. This helps so much because I am really bad at trying new things and get so easily into a cooking rut.

Bonus... reading. I am reading Baby Island to her right now. She is reading Henry and Ribsy independently. We are reading The Midwife's Apprentice together (her reading to me out loud). I am reading The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe to all the kids at night. I LOVE reading and I love seeing her love of reading develop.

Bonus... the coolest, best math curriculum ever. It's called Teaching Textbooks. She does it mostly all on the computer and it grades everything for me and lets me know if she isn't understanding a concept. The lecture is even animated and it is so clear for her understanding.

Biggest Bonus... time to be with my girl. Time I didn't have before. Look at her. She's growing up way too fast and I am soaking in every minute of her gap toothed grin.

Orphan Sunday

Today was Orphan Sunday. I can't help but think about how God moved on this day. A special 'orphan' who we happen to love was adopted into to the body of Christ today. We weren't there to see it, but our former foster son was baptized at the youth retreat this morning! Joy, simply joy upon hearing this news.

Meanwhile I wait. I wonder. Who will God bring into our home? 

God sets the lonely in families. 
Psalm 68:6a

Pray with us as we wait. And pray for the millions of orphans in our world.

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. 
Psalm 68:5

I Dream of Concrete

For several months, Noah and I dreamed about buying a third "fun" vehicle. Practicality took over, and we decided that if we were willing to drop that sort of money on a car we didn't really need, we should first use that money on a new driveway and entry into the house. The old cracked driveway, and copious amounts of dirt, mud, and weeds were driving me crazy. Every time it rained, mud flowed into the driveway which meant mud always got tracked into the house! ACK.



We were all excited the day the digger showed up. 



It ripped out the stairs we had entered and exited our home thousands of times... the stairs we first stepped up 11+ years ago, just weeks before our wedding... the stairs we carried 4 newborn babies up as they joined our family.



The sidewalk that still had "Love" scribbled in chalk.



It wasn't long, the new porch took shape.



And Isaac, he was in boy heaven.



He even assisted with a nail gun much to his delight.



Bobcat rides. It's hard to say who had more fun... Daniel or Daddy?



I never thought a cement truck could be a thing of beauty. It sure was that day.



Our good friend, Chad, did an awesome job!!!! Need work done on your home? Click HERE for more info.



YAY, concrete!

I should have take a before shot, but forgot. I couldn't find a good picture of the front of our house... here is an pic of Isaac (maybe 5 years ago), with the "before" behind him.



And now...



Love, love, love our new driveway and porch!

Us

An impromptu picture taken on auto-timer. Sweet memories made... possibly our best 'vacation' ever. 

Still Here

Words have alluded me this week as I absorb all that has happened this year, and look to some forthcoming changes in our lives.

I do stop from time to time and wonder... would he be here? Would he have been born today? Isaac came a week early, the girls both born 2 days before their due dates. Joel's due date was October 23. Either way, he probably would have been here by Sunday or Monday. 

With that in mind, our family is celebrating his life this weekend... celebrating the blessings God has given to us even in the times of heartbreak. 

Life changes are coming swiftly, though. Twice this week DSS inquired about us taking in a foster baby. It was hard to say 'no,' but we had firmly decided we would not take in a foster until after Joel's due date. BUT, knowing we are one of the few "open" homes in our county, we expect a baby will be in our house sooner rather than later. This is the most tangible way I feel I can honor Joel: to love on a baby who does not have parents able to do so. 

Additionally, we have decided (well, I have decided with Noah's support) to bring Lauralyn home from school. I will be her teacher for the last 3/4 of her second grade year. There are many factors that have led up to this decision, and I feel it is the best choice for her right now. I am excited, but apprehensive as to Isaac's reaction, as well as the school's. Isaac WANTS to be homeschooled, but we know staying at the elementary school is the best choice for him and his needs. Kristin will also continue at her kindergarten.

So, we are sort at a strange crossroads. Looking back at what this year has been, and the impact it has made on all of us... looking forward to some really big changes in our family and life in general.

Today

Today, I went to a funeral and graveside service for my Dear Sweet Friend's daughter. It was painful, yet beautiful, because in it, there was hope. Hope that pain will one day be extinct. Tears of sadness will be no more. Just joy. Unbridled joy.

The fellowship of Christian brothers and sisters, in the painful, dreadful times... again, beautiful. Starting the day with a phone call from someone who wanted me to know she was praying for me. The many hugs, the tears shared, the songs sung of truth and hope. Hearing my husband pray such genuine words, knowing he has tasted the pain of loss, and now sees his friend walking the same heartbreaking road. Feeling the warmth of the sunshine after days of cold rain.

The coming days will not be easy. There will be many more tears, many more sad and aching days. My Dear Sweet Friend and I will probably spend many afternoons watching our kids play, and shedding tears thinking about how this year has shifted our worlds. 

The shift, however, has us tilted just a little closer to heaven.

The Great Lion

I can't process the past few days. Watching my friend live through a nightmare. Knowing God had this year planned for a purpose. He knew we would say goodbye to our babies. Why? Why so close together? It's just too much to wrap my feeble brain around.

Someone mentioned something along the lines of God uses our sorrow-filled experiences to help others grieving... suggesting God will use my loss of Joel to help my Dear Sweet Friend while she is in the midst of grieving Elliana. I can't see things that way. I CANNOT get past the fact that God could have chosen for both babies to live. God COULD have changed this scenario completely... He could have allowed Shannon and I to experience pregnancy and newborns and raising our 5th babies together.

But He didn't.

Somehow, in His sovereign plan, He purposed that Joel and Elliana would be in heaven much much sooner than we could have ever anticipated. And if I believe the promises that are clearly laid out in scripture, this plan is for our good. GOOD? How babies dying can ever be considered for our good, I will never understand while I'm on this earth.  

There are no mistakes with God. There is no "plan B." Nothing surprises Him. While riding through this storm on my rickety raft of faith keeping me afloat, I should feel some comfort in this. I do feel some comfort in this, because I truly know nothing happens by chance. There is a reason our babies died. It was not just a cruel coincidence. However, we may not know the reason until we are there, face to face with the One who loves us.

Not knowing what else to write, I'll end this post with some comforting words written to Noah and I, from a man who is familiar with sorrow: 

"...try and hang on to this wild and definitely not tame God--who has great love for you and really is good, no matter what seeming 'evidence' there is the contrary!... Have you read The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe to your kids yet? Perhaps my favorite scene is where Lucy has just learned that Aslan is a lion and it startles her. 'A lion! Is he, I mean, is he quite safe?' And Mr. Beaver answers something like, 'Safe!? Who said anything about being safe? He's a lion, I tell you! Of course he's not safe. But he is good!'"

October 6, 2012

Today, Noah and I have been married 11 years. 

Today, my Dear Sweet Friend said 'goodbye' to her daughter. Elliana was born late on October 5th, and fought to survive. She went to our Savior within hours of her arrival.

Please pray.

I was honored to be able to photograph Elliana as she lived, and as she went to be with Jesus. Many images and emotions I will soon not forget. I am heartbroken for my friend.

I close my eyes and try to picture her and Joel together at the feet of our Lord. Giggling, happy, and knowing they will soon see those who loved them on this earth.

I Wonder...

...who is more excited about the 2 new dog beds?



The old lady on the left is looking pretty good for 14+ years old.

Just happened to be near my camera and take this before they all moved. If I had tried to set up this pose, it would have never happened.

Stupid October.

I didn't think it would be this hard. The past month I have done so well, felt strong, and could even go to church without that loathing feeling washing over me.

But today, it's October 2. And I can't stop crying. I cried in the shower. I cried getting dressed. I cried driving to Winston. I did my best to not cry at CBS. I cried all the way home. And here I sit, my eyes seem to have stockpiled tears. They just won't stop.

I look up at my calendar. I can't flip the page. I sob just thinking about flipping the page. Staying on September doesn't seem right either. So, I just skip October. November seems much less painful.

It feels dramatic or even ridiculous to miss someone so much that never breathed a breath. But he was mine. He had value to me. He was my son. Instead of getting to hold him this month, or study his hands and ears and mouth while soaking in his newborn goodness, I sit and stare at the tree under which he is buried, while stink bugs invade my porch. Stink bugs. How poetic.

I wanted to take a kazillion pictures of him. Instead, I have just one, the only proof that he ever existed (aside from the black mark on my medical record).

One precious picture, and a lifetime of should-have-beens.

The Storm

In years to come, I know I will always look back on this year as one of my life's major storms. Just the words "Mother's Day" brings tears to my eyes. My eyes sting even as I type that.

The storm is not over.

I haven't written about the rest of the storm... almost as if, maybe, if I don't write about it, it isn't real. Stupid, I know.

Remember, July 3, 2012? 

I do.

Daniel had his second seizure that day at the pool. What I haven't written about is the text message I received while waiting in that horrifying ER room. My hands shook as I read, and re-read it. All I remember is this: "I need to see you." And the word "nightmare." Nightmare. No, Lord, no.

Remember that post about my Dear Sweet Friend finding out the gender of her baby? The baby that was to be Joel's friend, had he lived?

She found out that day her baby was a girl. :-) A sweet baby girl.

My Dear Sweet Friend also received news that would forever change her, her family, and all those that love them. Something was not right. Her baby girl was not going to be okay.

Further testing, much waiting, tons of tears later, and a diagnosis was given. Elliana has non-mosaic tetrasomy 9p. Ever heard of it? Probably not many people have, doctors included. It is extremely rare, and the absolute most awful part of this diagnosis... she will not live a long, healthy, vibrant life. In fact, she may not live very long at all. (Writing that sentence alone makes me want to scream). 

So, later this fall, I will face something I don't want to face. I want to stop time, so my Dear Sweet Friend does not have to walk this path. I want to hit the rewind button to May 11, the day we sat watching our preschoolers play and eat a picnic lunch. The day we dreamed about our 5th babies. I want just a drop of the hope and joy we had that day. I want to plead with God to change His sovereign plan, to let our babies live long, healthy lives.

This storm has brought heaven all the more closer. We are here a short time. Some, much shorter than others. However, God is bigger. He is bigger than this storm, He is MUCH bigger than me. I have been reminded recently at CBS that everything is falling into place, not falling apart. Christ has already had victory over death, the battle has already been won.

But right now, right now, it is so very hard. We are still in the midst of this world. 

I read a novel this past summer that made a good point: In one hundred years, none of us will be here. It will all be new people. And I also thought, well, that also means 100 years ago, almost none of the people on earth now were alive.


Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.

James 4:13-14


The pain of facing the death of not just my baby, but my Dear Sweet Friend's baby... it seems too much. Why, Lord? What is your plan?

Who is this God of love?

Yet... right now... and for the past few weeks... peace. Maybe it is the calm before yet another storm. Somehow, though, through all this heartache my faith has survived. I don't understand it. Honestly, I thought I would have forsaken my Lord and continued to shake my fist until the grave.

I know. The peace is from Him. My faith is not just intact, it is stronger. This is not about me. It is about Him. It is to bring Him glory.

Now as the weeks fly by, the desire of my heart is to protect my Dear Sweet Friend from every drop of pain and sorrow. Instead, I am left with my pitiful efforts to love her well, and to pray that God, the God who gives and takes away, that He be glorified in this storm. 

And I cry out for a miracle. That Elliana will live, and not just live, thrive.



Yet, if my urgent request is answered with a 'no', I will simply plead for mercy. My simple prayer for the past 4 months... 

The groaning of my heart, and a cry for mercy.



................................

Please be praying for my Dear Sweet Friend, Shannon and her family.

May God be glorified.

BFFs

Without best friends, life wouldn't be nearly as fun. Who would you laugh with, play with, share secrets with? Who would hold you in the storms of life and remind you that you are not alone?

I am thankful for my best friends.

Aren't you?

Life

It's the peaceful moments of everyday life that I am treasuring lately. Time with the kids that is not spent having to get something done (homework, chores) or time being wasted (computer, the ultimate time waster for me, and TV, the ultimate time waster for the kids).



It is an impromtu hour of watching the younger 3 laugh and play under a church picnic shelter all because no pets were allowed at the soccer game, and we had brought Jackson. I'm glad it worked out that way. We had a view of the game and had a big shaded spot to ourselves. They played Duck Duck Goose, Mother May I?, Red Light Green Light, and one made up game of roll the hula hoop. They were disappointed when the game was over and it was time to go.

It is the abundance of "I love you"s and hugs and kisses.

It is listening to Noah play his guitar for them at bedtime, watching Lauralyn read.



It is shoving a dollar under Lauralyn's pillow for a newly missing tooth... she knows I'm the tooth fairy, and so I just put the money there while she watches. All she cares about it me remembering to fork it over ;-)



It is Isaac receiving a 100 on his spelling quiz and seeing his confidence grow. Feeling the blessing of a teacher who cares about his individual needs.

It is Kristin reading words and begging for me to teach her more because her teacher doesn't "teach a long time."



It is eating lunch with Kristin and visiting with her adorable classmates... I really don't think they could be any cuter. Sweet sweet little girls and boys.

It is Daniel, forever a mama's boy, actually wanting to spend more time with his daddy, whether it's going to Walmart, or going to a soccer game.



It is a new to us bunk bed for the boys, a perfect fit for their room, given to us by Noah's co-worker. So long for now car bed.



These are the life moments that are treasures. Because soon enough, this phase of childrearing will be done. I want to soak it in, the blessings of everyday life.

So Long, Summer

This Friday will mark the official last day of summer, but with cooler temperatures, the pool closing, and school getting into full swing, it feels like fall has already arrived. We recently had a Friday that had some higher temps and beautiful sunshine. Our friends invited us to join them on the lake for some after school tubing fun, and I am so glad they did!

I grew up spending a lot of time on the Chesapeake (well the South and West Rivers) as my grandparents and my dad had bay houses. To this day one of my top 3 favorite meals has to be blue crabs w/ Old Bay and vinegar. Had I not grown up picking crabs, I probably wouldn't touch them with a ten foot pole... ah, the art of cleaning out crab innards.

My point here is, I love boating. It was a treat to spend time on High Rock... nobody was out, it was so quiet and nice. Not quite the same as the Bay, but certainly a great substitute considering it's a 20 minute drive from our house!

Thank you Mara and Amy for a perfect way to end our summer! 

Still Here

I'm still here. Presently, my "to do" list is ever growing, and I have filled up every minute of my life with activity, so the "to do" list does not decrease in size.

Blogging is on my "to do" list. Go figure. We have been camping, kids have gotten into the school routine slowly but surely, we have had a fun afternoon on the lake with some friends. All things I want to blog about, but lack time takes over.

Daniel is saying things that are entirely hilarious and smart, and I WISH I had the presence of mind to remember to write down what he spouts out. He is so precocious in the way he speaks that he catches me off guard with some of his thoughts. Those wheels are always turning. 

Just now he avoided being in his bed by sneaking out to me and says, "Mommy, I really really love you and I want a big hug," (in the sweetest voice so that he knows I won't have any option but to hug him instead of scolding him for getting out of bed). Then he adds thoughtfully, "How 'bout this? If you give me all your money, I will buy you a Jeep." He's a charmer, this one.

So much in my brain these days, I really do need a day to just sit down and catch up. My computer still isn't back to normal, so pictures take more time to post. I need a day to sort that out as well!

However, my days are full. I suppose knowing the need to stay busy this fall is why. And busy I am.

With all this busy 'normal life' stuff I haven't forgotten the reality. I miss my son, the one I never knew. Everyone in our house feels the same. Just the other day Isaac says out of the blue, "I wish I had a baby brother. I wish Joel were still alive." It pulls at my heart to know his desires are like mine. While Noah and I never bring Joel up in everyday conversation, the kids seem to mention him on a weekly basis. They miss the brother they never knew.

Back to School

Come Monday

On Monday I will do something I have never done before. I will be sending my child to kindergarten. Even though this has been the plan for many months, maybe even over a year, I am feeling so so sad. My baby girl is going to school.

I don't think I am making a mistake, actually I look forward to seeing how she matures and grows in these coming months. She has always been a mama's girl, and I want her to gain some independence. Additionally, her speech therapy will increase while at school.

Thursday, we met all 3 "new" teachers. I am confident they are well suited for each child. Isaac is even excited to start school (miracle of miracles) after meeting with his sweet teacher. Lauralyn saw shelf after shelf of meticulously organized books in her classroom and knew she was going fit right in. An added highlight is that our next-door neighbor, Jay, is in her class... his desk next to hers. :-) 

Kristin's teacher is very kind and nurturing. I plan to volunteer in her class on occasion to see everything in action and see my sweet girl learning. Really, I enjoyed getting to know my kids' classmates last year, and I see no reason things would be different this year.

Just tonight, Lauralyn saw a classmate who she was good friends with last year in Walmart. They shrieked with joy in seeing one another, hugging and jumping up and down. So girly, so cute. And while this child comes from a different race and socioeconomic family, their love was evident. (We ran into her again in the store, and they repeated the hugging routine). 

Moments like those make me see that I am not a "bad" mom for sending them to public school. (I say that because I have beat myself up for changing course and sending them, not because I judge other's choices). There are life lessons I could not teach at home. AND that's not to say homeschooling is wrong, because believe me, if I were a more patient, more motivated woman, I'd be homeschooling all of them this year.

With my ramblings rambled, I leave you with this: a photograph of my soon to be kindergartener. If you think of it, say a prayer for her (and her mama) Monday!

Turtle Time

The house we rented had a turtle nest perfectly situated in the front. What are the odds? Even more surprising, the nest hatched the week we were there. Holden Beach Turtle Patrol is a bit hard core, but only if it means not staying out too late. Turtles that were hatched late at night had to fend for themselves (or with the help of some ignorant tourists (us)). I'm pretty sure some ugly ghost crabs had a feast when nobody was looking. :-(

I will say it was awesome to see the turtles come out of the sand-covered nest and KNOW "I must get to the water!" The moment they are on the surface they face a huge challenge of getting to the water (without getting eaten), facing the surf (which can be really rough), and swimming many many hours to find a seaweed raft (without getting eaten). Not many turtles make it to maturity... if they do, the female will come back around 25 years of age to nest in the same proximity of her birth. The journey they make is truly amazing.

Supposedly, you should not use a white light around baby sea turtles as it confuses them (they look for white caps to know where the water is located), so you can use a red light instead. Red lights make for lousy photography, not to mention no camera flash in the dark. Photos aren't great, but you get the idea. What a great free entertaining science lesson!