Read back some of my old post and found out how emotional I was because of a girl. The naive innocent boy back then.
Many years have past by. Many history are written. I do wonder how much of my previous self is being retained.
So the story is, I'm back here and thus I'm feeling emotional all over again.
Would not say that army is a wonderful experience since I almost lost my life while I was in service. The aftermath of the incident was horrible. Maybe whatever he did was rational and appropriate. I don't know anymore.
I Used to be a scholarship recipient in Singapore polytechnic, and my results are still among the top 30%. Built up my shattered confidence brought from young. Used to Aspire to become a professional engineer one day and rise through the ranks in the engineering industry. I feel I'm further and further away from my dreams.
Sometimes, I wondered if the accident in wallaby shaped my thinking. Nothing drives me forward anymore. Dreams, aspiration and goals; it's like nothing really matters when you die. Only an exception of you. You, whom I met at it fair. But I feel I'm not the person that really matter the most. I'm stuck with you gotta fight for your happiness and you need to know when to give up. But you're making lose hope.
But it's not the main factor behind my depressed mood. Suddenly, I felt like my intellectual is not as good as I've expected. It used to be I can muster whatever I chose if i really wanted it. It's become I've never been so clever after all. Fallen to the bottom of the cohort,and it have never been so bad before. I hear this couple of times: just hang in there, better days are coming or just graduate with a degree, but the pain and demoralizing mood is overpowering myself every single day. Hated nus, hated all my modules and hated the staff of my modules.
What make it worse is that I realized that most of them are somebody of status. First class honours seem to be the norm and all I wanted is just a third class. And it seemed to be my wishing thinking because I ain't gonna achieve it.
I've fallen into another well of darkness and I don't see the light guiding me out of this. And most importantly, I don't see myself getting stronger. I feel I do not live up to the expectations i set for myself.
I feel that in my fears of dying, I've lost myself. I don't recognize myself anymore.
