Sorting out disparities

Haven't been here for awhile.
Well, usually if I'm here, there's nothing good to talk about.
But i need this.

Being open minded is not easy.
To do that you frequently have to accept an opinion that you don't subscribe to.
And often so, it results in internal dissonance.
I mean accepting something you don't believe in, is not easy.
Sorting out these discrepancy allows me to be more open minded.
I choose to believe I'm doing this on a daily basis and am good at it
So good that it has already became second nature to me.
Most of the times, this disparity disappears really quickly.
Sometimes, it doesn't.
Tonight belongs to the latter.

I accepted your way of thinking but still don't agree and will not agree.
But as usual, I don't like to make decisions for people.
So I still want you to do what you want to.
Just hope that I won't be right.
It's annoying when I know I'm right.

Secondly, I couldn't comprehend how/why i felt that way when i was being told that supposedly shocking statement.
I always thought that as long as I am not involved in it, I don't/won't feel much about it.
(well at least not enough to affect me)
So that avalanche of emotions that hit me all at once was pretty overwhelming.
Upset, bewildered, sinking, shocked... and so other that i have yet to find a suitable word for.
While it subsided in comparatively short time, it bothers me that I even felt those emotion at that point in time.

Oh well, the reason i gave myself was that it upsets me to know that my friends are doing things to harm themselves (imo at least).
I even tried sitting outside for 1 hr to sort out my thinking
but can't find a better reason than that right now.
So i'll take that for the time being till i find a better explanation.
Perhaps just too tired to think already hahah
Shall try again tomorrow then!

One day more
i'm gonna drop everything in Singapore
and travel to the other side of the world.
Insomnia hitting me.
not sure if it's anxiety, excitement or apprehension.
But what i do know is that there are still loose ends that i cant tie up before i leave.


2013
I've lost a friend, a dear friend.
Everything indicates a fault that's mine.
I dont deny that, but 10 years of me should have taught you that what you do doesnt work.
Even if the most important person in my life wants to walk away, i will not pull you back.
And for making the additional effort to just remove me from your life.
I'd reciprocate it perfectly.
I did not live up to your expectation of me as a friend
You chose to walk away, so be it.

2014
I still have a promise that I've yet to fulfill.
It's been a year now.
In fact it's exactly a year since we all came back from bkk.
That was the mark of the start of everything wrong last year.
I told myself to try to forgive that whole episode.
But no, i really cant do it at all.
No hatred whatsoever, but i just cant bring myself to accept what you did not do.
The letter will come.
One day. when i think it no longer matters to you.

Don't lightly use the word "promise" on me.
I'd take it rather seriously as long as you sounded serious when you made the promise
I will remember, i remember for a long long time.

here's to a better 2014

Okay enough of unhappy stuff.

There's always time to be appreciative and grateful

Tonight is one.

I'm grateful for my parents though I've never openly said so to them.

They are not rich, but they give so much.

Some of my friends are jealous of people born with a silver spoon in their mouth.

Not me.

Well, surely I've entertained the thoughts of being a kid in a rich family.

But never once had i thought of wanting to be somewhere else.

To me, it has always been a question of how much of THEMSELVES they have given me rather than how much they gave to me.

My dad earns barely 3k a month, but has no qualms about wanting me to get the better laptop even though it costs him a month's pay.

This is just one of the most recent example I am grateful for.

Always the cheapest for themselves, but will not spare a buck for us.

The next upcoming big ticket expenditure is overseas exchange. 

It would not have been financially possible if my parents didn't purchase a savings plans for my education more than a decade ago.

The list could stretch long going way back for the past 23 years.

I might not be working at big companies earning big bucks next time.

But I promise to devote my time and money to repay my parents.

They made who I am today, possible.

Exam indifference

The level of indifference to my exams is exceeding itself every single sem.
I dont even know how that is possible.
3 exams in 3 days coming up in 3 days' time.
Less than 50% done
But i'm not panicky (yet)

Sometimes I wonder if it's academic fatigue from more than a decade of studying.
but again all my peers went through the same thing, there's no reason for me be the only one feeling this way.
Anyhow, cant wait for this paper to be over.

Taking a break from Singapore.
A break from family.
A break from close friends.
A break from people I don't want to see.
Time to try being someone who I can't be in Singapore (in good and bad sense)
Not because I hate what I have
But because I know i'll appreciate I have, even more.