Life

It's been a long ride since Form 5, and now I have finally finished my degree. Phew time flies so fast. Although results are yet to be out, fret not I'll probably passed them all, though not ace them all. Praise the Lord for all his miracles throughout those years. Miraculously things happen when you least expect them to.

During these years, friends come and go, but true friends remain. I was glad I wasn't part of the group, and neither would I want to be part of it in the future. I guess I'd rather be alone. I don't want anybody else riding the same waves with me, hurting the way i do every single time. It's better to do things alone, not worrying anybody with the consequences, not having someone else suffering besides you.

And yes, that's my life. I chose that path.

...

I feel disconnected somehow.

Hope the days ahead are more smooth sailing.

Mistakes

It seems that I always say the wrong words/ stuff/ shit at the wrong time. And it has always let me down. Letting myself down. And that is a bad thing.

I should just stand in the face of fear. Should not have held my head high and walked away from doubts and uncertainties. How can troubles be solved if they weren't any sound arguments? Any sound reasoning? Sometimes its just is.

And here I sit. Looking beyond the horizons. Hoping that one day I'll be able to make the right decisions. And not just mistakes.

A priori

A priori... known to be true independently of or in advance of experience of the subject matter; requiring no evidence for its validation or support...

The world is round. And there is nothing much you could do to refute that statement.

The world is bitter. There is every right for you to argue that the world could be a better place. But what happens if that is the mindset one has in mind? No matter how hard you try to refute it, the thought will never change. Hence, the mindset one has will always be a priori.

I took a chance and leaped too far. And when I look back, it was one hell of a ride.

But I'm glad I survived the fall.

Now everything is just natural to me. It all lies in the chemistry. It's in the science fiction answer solution. And it comes by itself without any cries for help.

I am glad.

Days Go By

Days go by...
And I'm still here waiting for a miracle to happen.

Someone Like You

I heard that you're settled down,
That you found a girl and you're married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah,

You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze,
Bound by the surprise of our glory days,

Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Where was my stage 5 and 6?

There were two endings to our relationship, whether we get married or we break up. And you chose the latter.

Will we hate each other? Will we keep in touch? I guess you answered that too.

I feel for 'Josh'. A punching bag is essential seeing the other half moving on.

However, our lives have to continue on, even though its in a different direction. And everything we shared will always be fragile memories. Although long ago, they were once the happiest memories of my life. And they still are to me.

I think, whenever life separates us, and we will be in totally different places, I will always remember what our past live brings to us.

And I will be thankful for that. And hope that wherever you are, you will be thankful too. And that is the best we could ever wish for ourselves.

Because, this stranger has been the most important person in my life.

I missed you.

I feel...

I feel so uninspired... like a broken guitar...

I feel so flabby... like soft tofu...


I feel so unhappy... what is happiness these days?


I see life so empty. Like an empty conveyor belt with no sushi.

Not everyone who makes mistakes are stupid, not everyone who laughs is happy inside, not everyone who self - harms is an emo. People who smile all the time aren't always happy.

And that's just me...

Sharing this seems so real:

Gawai Holidays

Its been years since I last went back to my kampung, and years since I celebrated Gawai having close friends and family over. This year, since it is my final year in university, mum decided I should celebrate Gawai and invite friends over since as after graduation, everyone will go on living their lives. It is definitely difficult having reunions and gatherings then because everyone is everywhere! :(

This year, decided to have it plain and simple. Baked 4 cakes and 1 biscuit, baked chicken lasagna, cooked curry and everything delicious xD Though I totally forgotten to take photos of them as I was busy playing hostess to the partayy... Kinda miss some friends whom I haven't seen in years! Oh the reminiscence.

Was super tired after the mini - open house. Dad said that next year will be a full scale with caterers involved. Ugh another 400 guests packing my house is super duper tiringgggg... oh wells, better celebrate than never :)

Went for Sushi at Kensaku Japanese Restaurant as Life Cafe was full. Though the food in the restaurant is kinda pricey, but nevertheless very fresh and worth it :) Having a nice and simple dinner with loved ones is priceless.




All photos will be in Facebook, hence less here :(

Rushing my FYP presentation and final paper for the semester at the moment. Wish me luck! :)

Till next time xoxo

Simplicity

Omgosh its been a month since I last updated. Was pretty busy with FYP and other assignments. Since FYP is individual report this semester, everyone seems to be working hard, taking things up a notch. I on the other hand, couldn't find the strength to do it whole-heartedly. I don't know why but it seems I'm seriously getting tired of studying. So super tired. And especially tired of Swinburne. Luckily I am not continuing my masters here. :D

Few days back, I literally vomited when I saw him in the lobby. Held my breath and hid behind a pillar. His friend saw me but feck i don't fecking bother. I let them pass, just like letting the tidal waves past. And then I rushed to my class, only to vomit on the staircase on the way up. How depressing LOL. But anyhows, the worst has passed. This is his last semester. And I'm pretty sure that is the last of him I'm seeing for the rest of my life. Rest assured.

Been watching helluva movies on my Galaxy Tab lately. Been so caught up with movies, gadgets, entertainment till I lost track of time. Exams coming up in a jiffy. Owh no! Though simplicity calms the mind and soul, I realised I am so behind in everything. What you reap is what you sow. And did I ever mentioned that idiot got me addicted to Bob Marley since I met him? Damn....

I just wanna sleep right now, and forget about everything for a moment... Ahh the bliss of having a wedding dress in my wardrobe! *squeals*

Anyways, currently super addicted to Rolling in the Deep by Adele

Stone Cold

A year has gone by so quickly since the day you left, and the pain and memories still remain. I'd be lying to say I have moved on, and I did lie to myself. Thought maybe the new beau could have changed everything, but nothing will change if I don't change. If I couldn't move on in the first place, then his presence was a waste. I feel so bad for him, feel so sorry. Felt like I was playing with his feelings, cheating him all along. I told him I liked him, but there is no way I could love him. Finally I decided to tell him I couldn't take things up a notch, I wouldn't dare to commit. And lucky he understood and we could still remain friends, unlike the ex. The heart feels so cold, stone cold. He did warmed it up the best he could, but the embers could not reignite, they were left burnt to ashes. Haih... I'm sorry :(

Listening to Jars of Heart by Christina Perri now. Feeling the words cutting me so deep inside.

Who do you think you are,
running round leaving scars,
collecting your jar of hearts
and tearing love apart.
And it took so long to feel alright,
To put back the light in my eyes,
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed,
Cause you broke all your promises,
And now you're back.

Yes you still haunt me deeply. Every time, every where.

Your Song

It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but boy if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show
I know it's not much but it's the best I can do
My gift is my song and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross
But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

How wonderful life is while you're in the world <3

Get it Right

What have I done,
Wish I could run,
Away from this ship going under,
Just trying to help; hurt everyone else
And I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders.
Can I start again with my faith shaken?
Coz I can't go back and undo this.
I just have to stay and face my mistakes,
But if I get stronger and wiser; I'll get through this.
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
And all that you touch tumbles down,
Coz my best intentions keep making a mess of things,
I just wanna fix it somehow.
But how many times will it take?
Oh how many times will it take for me to get it right?
So I throw up my fist,
Throw a punch in the air.
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yea I'll send up a wish,
And I'll send up a prayer.
And finally someone will see how much I care.

Metamorphosis

A butterfly spread its wing out from its cocoon. Stretching my wings and fly seems irrefutable. Remembering the days behind was as painful as rubbing salt on a bleeding wound. I'm 21 and I have achieved many great things. So great it feels like perfection. Its been a while, hell yeah it has been a while. I used to be easily approachable, but now, the walls are as thick as lead walls protecting the cell from nuclear radiation. Yes, the barrier is up again, stronger than ever. Apologies to those who have tried to climb over, scuffing and scraping their egos on the way in. It won't go down anymore. Coz everyone has a reason to break this walls. I just want someone who doesn't have one. Just realised the recent relationship affects me a hell lot, when it is almost a year since the meltdown. C'mon girl, he is with someone else, you saw it with your own eyes! Why the sympathy and sorrow? Reasons of which I couldn't comprehend. Every night I wake in my bed, heart beating so fast, drenched in sweat when the air conditioning was kept on. Why? Its like an echo in my mind. The butterfly has a weak spot, and it is still him. Its been a while. The new guy feels lost. I feel worse. Reverse metamorphosis has begun. I'm like a butterfly, trying to crawl back into its cocoon. And my legs are tied down.

Walk away~~~

I'm gonna remember you
You're gonna remember me
I can't forget all the crazy shit we used to do
You were doing too much
I wasn't doing enough
That's what your friends are saying
I saw you with your new girl just yesterday
And I feel that I must confess
Even though it kills me to have to say
I'll admit that I was impressed
Physically just short of perfection
Gotta commend you on your selection
Though I know I shouldn't be concerned
In the back of my mind
I can't help but question
I can't explain this feeling
I think about it everyday
And even though we've moved on
It gets so hard to walk away
I can't forget how we used to be
Our life from day to day
Hoping maybe you'll come back
And though I tell myself not to be afraid
To move on but it seems I can't
Though a new man has given me attention
It ain't the same as your affection
Though I know I should be content
In the back of my mind
I can't help but question

The things we did
The way we shared our fantasies
Just you and me
My friend, my love, my family
How did we loose a love that seemed meant to be
Sometimes I miss him and wish that it was you I'm missing
Sometimes I hug her and wish that it was you I was hugging
And I realize how much I'm bugging
I miss you

So hard to express this feeling
Cause nobody compares to you
And you know she'll never love you like I do

Walk away~~~

Chinese New Year 2011

Wishing everyone a HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR! And a Happy Bunny New Year, wishing that bunnies will forever hop in abundance into your homes! :D
Siaw Yin and I during first day CNY :D

Oh...

I’ll back off so you can live
Say it directly, looking at me
Say it looking into my eyes
Did you just say you wanted to break up?
Did you want to end it with me?

(I Know) You probably got a lady
(I Know) You probably got sick of me
Even though the tears are rushing to me

I’ll back off so you can live
That is all I can say
I’ll forget you so you can live better
So that you’ll be happy without me
The love that you tossed away, you can take it
Don’t even leave a trace behind and take it all
Don’t even say you’re sorry
Don’t worry about me

Your lips that told me that you were going to leave
Why does it give me a reason to be angry today?
I need to stop you, the words don’t go out
And you are already moving far apart

(I know) You will forget me
(I know) I will really hate you
Even though you know everything

You! The reason I lived
You! Were all I wanted
You! It was me who only looked at you

Why? Why are you leaving?
Why? Why are you tossing me away?
If you were going to be like this
Why did you love me in the first place?

Do you happen to remember that day?
That day when we first met
I still remember it
The promise you made to me
That you will only care for me
That you will only protect me
That you will only love me
I believed your lies, I believed it

Did you really love me?
I’ll forget you so you can live better
Goodbye

You'd Never Understand

---

Boy: I broke up with her.

His Best Friend: What happened?

Boy: She’s just too much for me.

His Best Friend: What makes you say that? What did she do wrong?

Boy: Well, for one.. She only cared about her appearance. Always had to look good, always took forever to get dressed! So insecure..

His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she wanted to keep your eyes locked on her? She wanted you to see that you have the prettiest girl under your sleeve and not think otherwise? I see..

Boy: Oh.. Well.. She’d often call me or text me asking where I am, who I’m with, telling me not to smoke, not to drink. She’s so clingy!

His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she cares about your well being? Because she cares about you a lot? And her greatest fear is losing you. I see..

Boy: But.. Uhh.. Well, she’d always cry when I say something slightly mean. She can’t handle anything. She’s a crybaby!

His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she has feelings? And because she just wanted to hear you say you love her? I see..

Boy: I.. Well! You know, she’d get jealous easily. I could barely talk to other girls! She’s so annoying! I had to hide it from her so she wouldn’t bitch about it.

His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she just wanted you to commit to her? She thought you were faithful, but you lied so she could find out later and hurt even more? She just wanted the guy she loves the most to love only her. I see..

Boy: Well, she..

His Best Friend: You broke up with her because she’s good for you? She just wanted the best for you? She’s broken now because you were selfish. Are you proud?

Boy: I broke her heart.. Because I couldn’t see what was happening.. What happened to me?

His Best Friend: You lost the girl that loved you like no one else could. You see? You didn’t want her when all she ever wanted was you. THAT’S what happened.

___________________________________________________

Think about it, when she’s too much for you.. She just wants the best for you. Because to her YOU’RE the best. If you don’t like something, talk to her about it. You mean so much to her. Don’t just give up. Don’t just leave because you want the easy way out.

Ps. You were the best.

Amber

20 Things I Did Before I Turn 21

Everyone grows each and every day. And before you knew it, we grew from a crawling baby to a stumbling toddler, a child running to his mum's embrace, walking, making friends with fellow schoolmates, and finally finishing our education and entering adulthood. Ah the bliss of having to live under one roof with our parents for years! And in a few more years to come, we would be moving out and start the whole family cycle again with someone else. In every person, growing up is full of memories, whether being painstakingly bitter, cherry-sweet goodness or just something nobody wants to remember, they are still memories one should cherish to be a better person in the future. So to countdown to the big 21, I decided to reminiscence back to the 20 things I did with my life so far before I hit the big number. All pictures are made into collage to save space! HAHA.

1. Puppy! OMG I couldn't stopped grinning while I typed this post. Its been a long time since I wanted a puppy. Last year, I almost gotten the Maltese from Amazing Pets and called it Munkey Superstar. However, it wasn't 'destined' to be mine, so a lady practically took it away from me while I was playing with it in the store :( How sad I was back then. That time, mum didn't allow me to rear one. I remembered asking Avery for permission whether I could keep it in his car temporarily until I managed to persuade my mum into keeping it. Haha funny idea but hey, I was totally in love with it ok? A year after that, a bundle of fur came and brighten up the entire family during the Christmas season. Hunter came into our lives, and most importantly, my life. He was the light bringer. LOL what a description. Anyways, he filled up an empty and solemn place in my heart. And I love him to bits! See how big and fat he is? :)


2. Health. Its been a tough 2010 when the entire family was down with sicknesses, illnesses, and bad luck. But we pulled through and hello 2011. We pray that the new year will be so much better. For the 2nd time in my life, I had a CAT scan. Went through an MRI scan but it was less scarier compared to CAT. Visiting the hospital so frequently till it became the most traveled location for our family in 2010. Had a phobia of injections but once you get it so often, its painless. I think my family spent at least 50k on checkups and medications for the entire year. Gosh that shucks! But anyways, whole family is in the pink now, and the storm has gently passed. Praise the Lord.

3. Engineering. Engineering is something I hardly dreamed to pursue. I always wanted to be a dentist, pulling out teeth using pliers! HAHAHAHA... But leaving no choice as I was banned from applying JPA scholarship, I had to settle with Engineering in Swinburne. And for once in my life, I'm glad I did the course. Especially in Swinburne. It brought great things to me, let me meet new people, and see life in a whole new perspective. Though there are tonnes of things which makes me dissatisfied with Swinburne, for example the parking spaces, the lousy management system and so on so forth, learning there has been a great experience. And speaking of the management! GRRRRR... lets not go into there shall we?


4. Shopping. Shopping is an addiction. And a very expensive hobby. Before I set foot into university, I couldn't care less what I was wearing, how disgusting I looked like, or how fat I was. But with the evolving stream of electronics and cyber system, shopping has made its way online a couple years ago. And when I was first introduced to it, I was so happy! Though I'd honestly say it got me vainer, more self conscious and yada yada, it definitely helps in boosting my self confidence. Besides that, shopping has been an outlet where I would go when I'm stressed out. Its a retail therapy that every other girls do when they're worn out, right? RIGHT??? Last year was the worst OMFG! My whole year of spending could actually dress a 24 door longhouse with 120 occupants for a week! ZzZz... THIS has got to stop when I hit the big 21. And the pics below is like only 1/5 of what I bought? GEE... :(


5. Australia. The first foreign country I set foot in was the Land Down Under. It was in 2004? Stayed there for months! Went around Brisbane and Sydney, seeing how the ang mohs live their lives. Totally an eye opener and an experience. Living in another country was a truly great experience. Not only the food differs, the culture and the lifestyle was a total hoo haa for me back then. It is nothing like what they portray in TVs. You have to be there to believe it. I gladly remembered the Nike I had, which I stepped on kangaroo's poop when being chased by a wild drake, and transported the poop all the way back to Kuching, and few days later got stolen by thieves. Damn my beloved shoes. What a great experience. :) I'd love to go back to Hyde Park, take a stroll under the falling leaves of autumn. Truly a great scene, right out from the movies! Ahhh... how I wish I could stay overseas again.... *Dreamy eyes*

6. Driving a Car. I know I know driving a car isn't a big deal, but hey... I have always been the youngest in class because I skipped a grade back in the days. So having to not being able to drive a car when all your peers do is something you long for. And when I finally gotten the chance to drive a car, I met with 3 self accidents in the first 6 months of obtaining my license. HAHA funny right? =.= Luckily nobody was hurt, nor the damage was bad. Self accident ma... I think I did knock a few other cars, but just minor scratches on my car, but bad for the others. ESPECIALLY PROTON WIRA! The body of the car is like Milo Tin, so fragile and easily dented. ZzZzzzzz...

7. Baking. I may not be an awesome cook, I am an awesome baker! :D Baking is another outlet for me to release my stress, besides being a hobby when I am utterly bored to the bones! Only 10% of my baking goes inedible, whereas the other 90% are totally mouth watering and sumptuous! I can bake from cheesecakes to tarts, biscuits to crisps, muffins to cupcakes... though i haven't tried bread making. But I'm definitely gonna pursue baking to a higher level in the future, maybe baking for sell? :) Who knows what lies ahead.



8. Fallen in and out of love. Yes, yours truly here has been in love for the very first time of her life. I can honestly say that my first ever true relationship where I had mutual feelings and love for was with Avery. He made me see the world in different colors. He brought music into my tone deaf world. He has something that nobody ever had before. And it was love. But all good things must come to an end. And yes, it was the best one year of my life. And I thank you for that, Avery. I'm not sorry that it is over, but for the way we let things end. Our love wasn't strong enough to pull us through the mishaps. And you definitely deserved someone way better than me. I'd just wish I never made you cry. I'm sorry for that. Its good to know that you are better off with somebody else right now. But I'll still honestly say, I'll always love you. I missed you.



9. Friends. Throughout all these years, I made lots of new friends and lost some. However, those that remains after all these while are those whose memories I'll always cherish. Hoping the friendship will last in years to come.



10. Prom. I've always had this fear of going to prom. Fear of looking horrible in my gown, fear of falling down and exposing the nude, fear of wardrobe malfunctions etc. People have a general perception that prom is supposed to be for those with partners, and I daresay it isn't. Its a night to have lots of fun. Avery once promised me he would take me to the prom, but instead he took Keryn. Its all good nonetheless. Went with a bunch of friends and managed to enjoy an hour of prom before having to go back feeling sick and collapsing before I knew it. Thank God nobody knew about it except close friends. Had to skip school for the next two weeks. Whoa that's one prom memory to be cherished. So far, I have been to 3 proms, 1 back in Form 5, another in First Year and the last in my 3rd year. I'm not entirely sure I'm going in my Final Year, but I'll try to go. Wanna look my best and enjoy before I'm leaving for the working life.


11. Fear. In my entire life, I never learned to swim due to the fear of drowning. Every time I set foot in the cold freezing waters of the swimming pool, I'll immediately froze up, numbness washing all that's inside of me. However, last year, I took up the challenge. It was after realizing that there is nothing else to lose anymore, what with the mishaps in the family, love, life. It came to a point that if drowning could lead to death, I won't have to suffer anymore. But having said that, I took the challenge and learned swimming from Jaron. And a month later, I could swim. Though I still had the phobia of treading into deep waters, I'll always stick to the 1.5m depth :)

12. Business. I know it's no common thing going on with normal teenagers out there, but I'm proud to say that at the age of 18, I started my own online business selling clothes. It grew slowly, merely from selling ready stock clothes, to practically anything right now. Bags, shoes, clothes, jewelries, etc... I'm hoping to register my business legally when I turn 21 this year, and by the time I'm out from university, I'm hoping I can open my own boutique as a side income mainly sprung out from mere interest and passion in fashion. Its never too late to realize your dreams!

13. Exotic foods. Duh, my life is all about eating... I've tried lots of unusual exotic foods that friends go ewww... or give me that disgusted sort of look. My motto when eating is, anything that is edible can be eaten, anything cooked la. Throughout my life, I've even tried to fry cowgrass and eat but eww, its so tough I could barely chew. Yucks yucks. I've eaten creepy crawlies, snakes, snails, wildlife meat, and anything imaginable. Try asking what I've eaten, you'd be surprised! :)

14. LEE CHONG WEI! I seriously don't know where I kept the photos, but I've met Lee Chong Wei and Wong Mew Choo in Kuching years back and I took photos with them! Even Datuk Misbun Sidek too. Speaking of famous people, badminton players are soooooo my idols! *hearts*

15. Injuries. I've broken my arm, broken my ankles, sprained my knee, pulled a hamstring, slit my wrist and lots of other injuries to a point I don't feel pain as much as before. Call me bionic woman yea!

16. Investment. Never say its too young to start, I already did. Making investments in life is important as it can ensure you a backup on rainy days. I've made the biggest investment in my entire life a week before I turn 21. Have you?

17. Stupidity. HAHA I know everyone has gone through this phase of life. There was a time when I was so inquisitive, I chewed on tissue paper to get a taste of it, pulled my hair out to count how many strains of hair I have on my head, bought 463 plush toys which now I'm wondering where the heck I'm gonna put them once I move out etc. I even tried my puppy's dog food and boy do they taste good! I even blew my entire month's worth of paycheck splurging on shoes and clothes and toys... stupid me?

18. The haunting. This is one memory which I would never ever ever want to rekindle. When I was having my National Service training back in the days, our whole cohort stayed in a haunted dormitory. Every night, we get disturbances from headless spirits and other sorts of supernatural nasties. I was soooo afraid that time I begged my parents to pull me out from the camp. And they did eventually when my roommate sleeping on my left was being possessed by one. OMG you can't imagine the trauma =.=

19. Stayed away from my parents. Yes I was homesick that time. Being away from my family for a whole freaking month due to National Service was a torment. Ever since I was young, I never stayed away from them. In a way, they didn't want me far from them if they can. But NS was an exception. It was compulsory. Partly a reason why I never made it overseas because of this attachment. I really do envy all those who came from afar to study in a foreign land, how I admire their steadfast courage and bravery to live all by themselves unprotected by their stronghold. Oh the jealousy!

20. My first kiss. Yeap. A memory not to be diminished. It was in the elevator of Swinburne carpark. Aww... No more details shucks!

And there you have it the 20 things I've done and accomplished before I turned 21. Turning 21 is just another step in life. What's change? Nothing much. BTW, THANKS DAD for the first ever original COACH bag :) *hugs*

I'm gonna splurge on something big soon. Wait for it yea!

xoxo
Amber