Firstly, this post is gonna be pretty darn long, so get ready for it if you really wanna read word by word. Secondly, im gonna be so emotional when writing this, coz im crying in the process of recollecting my memories to embed in this post. And lastly, shut my blog if you dont wanna read about me bragging about my life and simply divert yourself to another blog. Please do so if you wanna bitch about me later after you have finished reading my post. And i dont need your jeering and 'serve-you-right' sort of thing. Get the fuck off my blog if you thought of doing that.
First and foremost... i remembered the 13th of December. The day when i first met my ex. It was years ago. I didnt knew him much. But we get things going. Back then, he was 18 and i was 15. Young bloods poking fun at the name of love, we just had it all happening between us. Although a few months of being apart isnt long compared to years... the bond of trust between us was thinning. He was a continent apart from me, and here i was in Kuching... dreading SPM more than our rocky relationship. I never sort of trusted him in the first place, or at least i thought i did, but i was prone to jealousy, and pessimism. I didnt trust him at all. I admitted it. Especially when you couldnt trust those whites and their culture. And also especially what happened on April Fool's. But the ball kept rolling till another year has passed... and then, we broke up. Right before my SPM examinations. Luckily i still managed to scrap good results, or my parents will swear they will keep an eye out for my future lovestoned relationships. They never knew what ive been through. I never told them, coz it wasnt obvious that i was in love. Needless to say, i dont think i can use that strong word. I might just stick to the word like or accustomed to. Needless to say, I couldnt stand long distance relationships. It sucks so bad. Especially when you barely knew whether he held your trust deep inside him, or he was just a player. Maybe thats where i got the experience from. A player breeds another player. I think ive gotten that foul gene from him, even though we werent related by blood. My experiences from him had led me to more heartaches in the future.
Yesterday, the newest guy whom ive found profound fondness and care told me that i played with his feelings. I was so shocked and sad at the same time. Tears fell from my face when i was reading that SMS in the car. Mum who sat beside me didnt notice my tears, coz i turned towards the opposite side, where i could hide my face in a hand towel and my plush penguin. I was heading to church, and i know sore eyes in church isnt a good thing. So i quickly dabbed my eyes dry, and thought of a white lie of dust getting into my eyes, and therefore tears came out... if ever my parents were to ask. I didnt catch what he had to say. I didnt get him. I just missed him a lot so i decided to carelessly asked him something. Last time, when i told him i liked him... he couldnt believe what i said. And now, when i said if i told him i didnt like him, will he believe my word? He said yes. He believed that i dont like him. WTF. Are you that blind? Cant you see what ive done for you? I got you something you like to eat, cooked for you even though it wasnt that good to you, tried to help you in your English coz i know yours is meek, SMS-ed you to keep the days of not being able to see you more worthwhile, making all those excuses just to get to have a glimpse of you? Why do you think i played with you? WHY? I never did. I never get anything for CM even though ive liked him before. He was just a mistake i couldnt forgive myself. What i had with him was something more than like... but not love... it could be an infatuation... coz he was perfect. A perfect person to me. But i know i could never get to be with someone perfect. Coz a perfect person will always be with another perfect half. There is no place for people like me to be in a perfect world. But im still living in my own perfect world. And now when im placing hope in you, you turned away from me. I feel so crushed by what you said. My brother told me i was such a gullible person. I thought you were blind for not being able to see my sincerity, BUT NOW I KNOW IM THE ONE WHO IS BLIND. Im so blind that i couldnt tell the difference when is enough and when is not. Im blind coz im easily deceived or cheated or being used at, and i cant see that. I stupidly hurried along and helped everyone as long as im being happy. I felt like a sick puppy. A sick puppy which follows her master around. Well, just so you know, i dont wanna be that sick puppy anymore. Im tired of it. Im gonna be really selfish and bad from now on, even though it isnt my nature to do so, i will try to because i dont wanna see myself get hurt for the happiness of others. Sorry. I gave you time, you thought i played. Then why did i waste so much time in you? I regret that now. I really do.
Mid December, 2005. A dear friend of ours passed away in a freak accident. He drowned in a swimming pool while on holiday. Dear Jia Hong, you are always remembered in our hearts. I still do, and many of us too. Everytime, when someone we love left us, there is always a small part in our heart that gets chipped off. Our heart is made out of thousands of little shards, all intertwined in the name of love. With love, it is held together and beating strongly everyday. Without love, our heart is weak and prone to destruction. I know that. Thats why i dont believe when people say they dont need love to survive. Thats utter bullshit. Enough about accusing people about their way of life. One thing i keep in my mind all the time, that reminds me every single day about life. The statement, that is fuel to my brains and feelings. "We only appreciate what we have when we lose it". Yes, i believe in that statement. Thats what keeps me going strong each day. I only appreciate something once its gone from my life. My ex, i only knew how much he cared for me, when we broke up. Before that, i always took him for granted. My grandma, i never visited you much coz you lived so far away. But now, i wish i could see your smile more often. Love, i never see the love ive gotten from friends and family. But when we seem to lose our love, especially in failed relationships and heartbreaks, only then do we realize that we need it so much. I regretted for giving my love away to the wrong person, and i regret i couldnt give my love to those who sincerely loves me for who i am. Im sorry. I wish i could stop crying, but this tears wont stop. This is the 3rd day. And im not stopping.
Yesterday was a good day. Bought 2 dresses. Mum bought it for me, seemingly after a miracle that i didnt asked for anything this Christmas. Was so pleased with the dresses. Even the lady selling the clothes were extremely happy. Last year, in the very same month of December, i was shopping for my first prom. I couldnt even fit in an XL from that shop. But a year later, i managed to fit into a size S. All size S. And some were even loose. The lady thought i was my mum's second daughter. Actually, i was the same, except i lost 10 kgs and look slimmer. So yea... i was supposed to be happy about this right? But i wasnt. I think im unhealthy. I dont know why. Maybe im thinking too much. Darn, gotta get my weight balanced with my height. But then, im still unhappy. All the dresses i bought, i was supposed to let him see that i have a feminine side of me where i can still wear dresses and look good. I am a girl and a lady in the making after all. But then, what ive done for him isnt enough. He thinks im not worth it. He wants more and im afraid i cant give that to him. I dont want to change to be a whole new different person. By then, my name wont be Amber anymore. I am what i am, and i cant change what i am. So live with it.
Enough of the crying... life hasnt been treating me good these days. Not only i suffered from emotional distresses, luck isnt by my side these few days. First of all, my favorite Levis shirt which was white color is now blue color, thanks to mixing dark color clothes with light color clothes while washing. Just a slip of chores and a little laziness made such a big accident. Shit. Now i cant wear that shirt anymore, it looks horrendous. Gotta get a new one, that is if i can find it in Kuching. Besides that, ive been suffering from endless sneezing and coughing for the past few days. Dont know whats got into me, maybe the wind has gotten into my head or what, but im feeling whoozy all the time. I fainted 2 nights ago, or so i call it fainted because i couldnt get up at all while lying down. I just slept without knowing i slept. Scary eh? The coughing might be due to the bags of oranges i love to consume for their enriching vitamin C. The sneezing might be due to the rascals talking behind my back. Im not sure so i cant simply accuse people. And thats not the worst part of my series of unfortunate events, my car's front tire was punctured. A screw lodged itself on the right tire and phewww... all the air came out. And the shitty thing is, the shop isnt open so that i can get the tire to be fixed and plastered. All i can do is change to the spare tire for the time being. But the spare tire is soooo much smaller than my original tire and it cannot exceed 80 km/h. Now that sucks. I feel retarded, even though i knew how to change a flat tire when i know many girls out there will just sit there and whine till a good Samaritan shows up and help them change the tire for them, i feel my car is wrecked because of my carelessness. I was absent minded in parking at rocky and under construction areas. Shit. And tomorrow, i will need to attend lectures and such... without a car. Brother doesnt want to send me, coz its too early in the morning and he wakes up late everyday. So the only solution is drive my car at a mere speed of 70km/h or the other option of driving my brother's car. An Unser? OMG... SO BIG!!! =__= i rather skip classes then.
I think im gonna be spending this year's Christmas alone again. Last year, i didnt have the person i cared for with me, and this year will be the same as well. Ben wont be with me, even though i hope he would, but i can see things will not be going towards what ive hoped it would be. He is leaving through the back door, and nothing can change his mind. I dont think he will wish me a happy occasion. I doubt he even know when my birthday is. Its coming soon, but the only person among the group who knows is only my acquaintance now, our friendship died. Im gonna be so alone this Christmas... dont count my family... they are always with me. Im gonna enjoy Christmas turkey and roast lamb with my family... with my mobile phones propped silently by me... and i will be waiting for a message that i myself know will never come, i will never get to hear that incoming tone when a new message comes it... all i get to hear are the cheers of celebration from my family, while i sit there, sipping juices and holding myself from being close to tears. If things were to be this way in the future, i can see myself as an old spinster, with 27 dirty cats, wait... maybe more than 27... 107 dirty cats in a house... where i spend the remainders of my life, rotting silently. But i dont want that to happen. I guess what is in the future is in God's hand. I dont have to worry much now.
Was supposed to go for a BBQ tonight, but i couldnt make it. Coz parents were thinking it wasnt worth it. They ask me to go to Hornbill for steamboat and hot plate with friends one of these days. I said i will. At least i hope so, with the company of a few friends where we can sit and talk about our private lives. I just hope... life next week will be more merrier and fun for me. Since Christmas is coming, its supposed to be a season to be jolly, and not to be sad and down. White Christmases are serene, but we have grey Christmases here. What with the rain and the floods over in Sibu, i just hope everyone will be celebrating a joyous occasion. And i hope my instability of emotions will soon be over, and get my head cleared and straightened out, and i can see things with a clear mind... and make decisions more cleverly, and to never be so stupid again.
With lots of love and tears,
Amber
