END

Set Your Sights To North.

            Just over six months ago my life was blessed with an experience many people will never have. I was given the blessing of knowing how to love someone over myself completely. My rollercoaster had finally come to a stop, and I could get out the other side and truly say “I am glad I did this”. Six months ago, Darling was given a chance at something many children are not.

            Originally I started this blog for two reasons. The first main reason being that I wanted to provide an account of what it was like to go through adoption; for Darling to read some day. However I have looked back on what I wrote, versus what I remember and I have noticed that there are more discrepancies than I ever would have thought. It seems a lot of the things I said, were not the reality at all; that I remembered things a certain way to make it seem a certain way. Perhaps I was just fooling myself in order to get through the decision. More likely I was fooling myself because I didn’t want to accept the answer that was already in front of me. Either way, the outcome was the same. The outcome was something more amazing than I could ever imagine. And for that I am eternally grateful.

            The second reason I started to blog about this journey, was to help those looking for it. So that birthparents, adoptive parents, and those considering adoption could have a little insight from a point of view that doesn’t get told very often. And that is what I am writing about today.

            To whom it may concern:

There comes a point in adoption where you make a decision about how involved in that world you want to be. For many birthmothers out there, they think of the blessed lives they have because of it, and want to support it in every way that they can. And of course Adoptive Parents and Hopeful Adoptive Parents want to support the whole thing. After all they are hoping to be blessed by the child(ren) they have, or are waiting for. And the adoption world should be celebrated! It is the most awesome thing I have ever experienced in my life.

            Well I have spent a long time now thinking about this. While I feel that this blog has been a help to many, I would like to keep it that way. I don’t want to force myself to publish new posts that don’t say anything, or at least anything new, if there is a chance that I will end up saying something negative because of something that happened to me at that point that isn’t really pertinent to the subject at hand.

            I see it like this. After you have a placement, you have become so used to having your life and all your thoughts revolve around adoption that it can be difficult to move forward and get back on with life. But that is what we need to do most. We can’t sit here and keep going it over and over just to have the same outcome, because then we are given the chance to think about what could have been. What could have been doesn’t matter, and there is no need for it. The only thing that matters is what is happening now.

            What is happening now? I have a wonderful birthdaughter Darling that has an amazing family. She fits with them so well it is more than I could have ever asked for. And now I am going to go on with my life. Set my path forward, and keep my sights on what is important. So this is the end of my adoption blog. Thank you for your support, and thank you for reading.

Sincerely,

Benjamin.

AN ANSWER

You Are The Fortunate All The Time.

            A week agoI was on the internet (big surprise) and stumbled on a status update from The RHouse on my Facebook feed asking the readers if they could ask a birthfatheranything at all, what would it be. Well, those who responded just so happen tobe in luck because I AM a birthfather and I AM going to answer their questions.

            The firstquestion was “what is your biggest fear regarding the birth child?”

My biggest fear for Darling is her health growing up. I’mfearful that she will end up with traits from me that made parenting difficultfor my parents.  I am verygrateful for her parents who have means to take care of these things if theywere to occur, but I do pray she doesn’t have any of the problems (due to her genes) that I had. Also I hope she doesn’t get my jaw, fouryears of braces with headgear would be traumatizing to any child lol.

            The secondquestions is “how do you REALLY feel? Behind therough/manly/defensive/bully-like/overprotective exterior, what exists?”

I really liked this question. I feel like I don’t know howto answer this. I feel grateful for the blessing to be able to have arelationship with Darling beyond the delivery room. I feel sad that I don’thave the same with her mother. I feel wonderful that this whole experience hashappened for so many different reasons.

What exists behind my “exterior” is Benjamin. I am just likeany other person I think. I hate how cliché that sounds, but it is the truth. Imade a very tough decision just like everyone else has done in life. Maybe minewas more extreme based on the way others view it, but I don’t think so. Whatexists is a person who struggles, who succeeds, who laughs, who feels insecure,and joy, and sadness, and frustration, and who tries their hardest to do whatthey should. I think we all do.

            The thirdquestion is “What can I do as an adoptive mother to help you?”

Don’t read into this answer. Treat me like a person.Remember that I am half of the equation that gave you the blessing you now callyour child. Don’t feel threatened by me. Give me space, but keep me close. Behonest with me about how you feel, and above all be able to forgive me when Ifalter.

            The fourthquestion is “What message do you want to give to our child- about you, aboutlife…”

I want Darling to know (pretty sure she already does) that I love her. I want her to know that life is a wonderful thing, and should be viewed as such. Don’t ever seclude yourself from others because you feel like they won’t like you. Your brothers are life’s built-in best friends. Your mother and father are your safety net for so many things that you can’t even comprehend. Make sure they all know you love them, even if you think you hate them. And above all… Wear Sunscreen.

            The fifthand final question is “Why didn’t you fight for me?”

Darling the reason I didn’t fight for you is because I loveyou. You are the most fortunate girl because of all you have because I didn't fight. You have a loving family, who will be there for you when you need them.You have birth parents who love you as well. You are surrounded by so much loveyou might not even realize it at times. I didn’t fight for you because I love you, and love is not a fight. Love is a warm hug from your mother, it’s when your father comes to your dance recital even though he is behind at work; it's when your brother kisses your scrapped knee to make it feel better. Love is awonderful thing; it heals all wounds and brings families together. You are solucky to have parents AND birth parents who love you. 

WALKING

We Slide From Top To Bottom, Then We Turn & Slide Again.

            About threeweeks ago I went to go visit with Darling and the J Family again. The visit was just lovely. We met at a pizzeria by where they live, and had dinner while catching up on one another’s lives. The picture above isof little Darling, who as you may have noticed does not look like me much anymore (I guess three months will do that to a baby lol).

            However I did not sit down at my computer to tell you about how adorable she and her family are together; which they are by the way! But to sort of say something Iam sure all of you have read on birthmother blogs before. To take notice abouthow “easy” it was for me to return to a normal life.

            When I use the term “easy” I use it loosely in this context, meaning to say that it was not as hard for me to carry on with normal activities anymore. I stopped having“episodes” of crying fits at work, and certainly not at home. I could do my work without having that reminder in the back of my head that I still have something to take care of. In fact I might dare say that if it were not for thepicture I have of her in my apartment and the emails I get, I might notremember at all. And I think it is just wonderful!

            This is oneof the many MANY reasons I know we made the right choice. I don’t have regrets about it, I don’t sit and dwell on the “coulda been’s”. I just wake up in themorning and go to work. I focus on my work while I am there, and on my daysoff, I look for friends to hang out with. Before I would sit and think about itall day and just ferment about every little detail and all the “what if’s”. Butit just doesn’t happen anymore. I just stopped worrying about little details. ANDIT’S AWESOME!

            I guess youcould say that I’m sort of just saying this for other birthparents out there,or potential birthparents. But it is seriously nice to have the “hard part”done with. Don’t think that means that I don’t still have times where I am sad,or wonder how she is, or have weird dreams ß That one’s been happeninga lot. But I don’t have that feeling of “impending doom” anymore.

            It’s been areal blessing for me, and has allowed me to do really well at work. I’ve been focused so much there with the at risk youth at the center, and it’s really started to show with how I handle things. But I feel like I’m getting of topic.

            To wrap itup, I just want to say thanks to all the people who read and have posted linkson their blogs for others. And I’m sorry if any of the terms I used while I was writing this offended anyone. If they did, you should lighten up a little. After all, this is my adoption story, and you aren’t telling it for me. Also…the music for today’s blog doesn’t entirely fit except for the line I posted atthe beginning. Oh well….

RELEASE

The World Doesn’t Matter

            Oh yes, my friends. Darling is here. I am not going to be going into specifics about her or the birth, but I’ll say (as you can see) she was surely worth the wait. Some things I want to talk about today might sort of make it seem like I’m jumping from one thought to another with no connection, but it works in my head haha.

            I can’t even begin to explain how much I didn’t want to go to the hospital to see her after the birth. Not because I don’t love her, but I just don’t really know how to explain it. I didn’t want her to not be mine anymore is the closest way to explain it. And seeing her would make that a reality. I knew that I was going to cry, but I didn’t expect it to happen as it did. I would be in mid sentence while having a conversation with my caseworker, and they would just come. She is just so darn beautiful! I know, I know, all parents say that about their children, but gosh darnit I think we have the right!

            That first day after seeing her was so terrible for my emotions I am not even going to try and explain. But here is the point. That first day, after I saw her and went to see friends and the following day were very difficult. But two days after, I had to go back to work. I was fortunate enough that Darling was born on the first day of my 3 day weekend. But the day I returned back to work, I noticed that I was just so very happy. I couldn’t figure it out but it was so. I was expecting to still be sad; I had figured I would be for a very long time. But that just wasn’t the case.

            I went to see Darling at Mama & Papa J's house with my family and best friend Amy. We went inside and everyone shook hands and hugged and then sat down to get a chance to hold Darling. My sister wanted pictures of her and Darling and me, and we took a few and I kind of realized I wasn’t comfortable going through getting my picture taken with seven different people with Darling. So I found a distraction of going to skateboard with the boys in the garage. Coming back in was good because at that point it seemed that everyone had been given the chance to hold her and talk about her. Leaving me free from having a constant reminder that she is there and not mine (you know what I mean) any longer.

            That visit did me a lot of good. I can say that seeing her there with them while on one hand being very hard, was also a very big relief. It’s not going to sound selfish to most of you, but it sounds selfish to me. Knowing that while I will always be there for her in whatever way she needs, I don’t need to be. To know that I don’t have to constantly worry about Darling being taken care of is a huge relief of stress for me. I can just go to sleep at night and think about normal things again, like what should I wear to work tomorrow, and are my peaches going to go bad before I eat them?

            This experience is something I am still learning things from. Something that has helped me in ways I wouldn’t expect at all. And while I would NOT recommend it at all for anyone else, I am glad it happened to me. I’ve learned more lessons about life and people than I ever could have imagined. How to be understanding, how to be forgiving, how to be less freaking dramatic! Hahaha. I have done the whole thing now, so I can confidently say as a birthparent, and as a father, that I did the right thing for my Darling. And she will be loved so very much. So bring it on haters and trolls! There isn’t anything that can change my mind. Because it isn’t about what has happened, or how it happened, or what you think. Because this little girl is blessed with two parents who love her; and two birthparents who loved her enough to give her to them.

THE WAIT

Don’t You Think I Was Too Young To Be Messed With,

The Girl In The Dress Cried The Whole Way Home.

            Today is the day ladies and gentlemen. Today is the day that Darling is predicted to be born. I don’t know if she will actually come today, or if she will come later. But I will say that I have been having anxiety attacks for the last week. Sudden and completely overwhelming, the kind that make you want to cry and scream and run all at the same time. And for some reason they always seem to happen when I am at work. But lucky for me I have a job that requires I focus on others, so I usually snap out of it within a few seconds.

            You know how there are stories from some Birthmothers about how for the Birthfather the child didn’t seem real until it arrived? Well I’m sort of having that sensation right now. I almost feel like every thought I have had about Darling up to this point was just fantasy. How will I act when I see her? Will I be able to hold myself together?

            Another thought I have been having recently is about how I think Darling’s mother feels. I have been bitter and angry toward her for this entire journey. And recently I was reading some gospel principles about repentance and read something that made me upset with myself. It said to be forgiven of my sins I must also forgive those who have trespassed against me. And while listening to the song I am using for the post today I started to figure it out a little more.

            So I am letting this go now. I don’t want this dark anger to brew in me anymore. I will breathe a new day and be cleansed for my ways. I loved you once so I’ll do it again.

WOE Pt. II

So I’ll Shake Responsibility,

 And Say A Hard Life Did This To Me.

            Something I have been thinking about a lot and have been having a hard time accepting; is that as much as I want to be, I will not be Darling’s father. I don’t feel as though I need to go into detail about why I want to be her father. If you have read previous posts, you probably understand already. So instead of getting you all teary eyed from reading about me caring for her. I’m going to tell you how it is affecting me.

            I can say that as much as I love the AP’s and as happy as I am for them. I hate this process. I don’t hate them by any means, but I just hate everything that is happening, other than the actual adoption. What I mean by that is that I hate waiting, I hate writing these posts, I hate talking to the adoption agency, and I hate talking about the adoption in general. I guess you could say that I wish I could just look at it as if I weren’t the actual person involved.

            It seems that about 95% of the people who read this blog for the first time will go through the posts and then comment about how wonderful I am, and how it is so great to hear a birthfather’s perspective. I hate people treating me like a martyr instead of what I am. I’m not a martyr, I am wounded just like everyone else in the world.

            The reason that this causes a problem for me, is that it makes me want nothing to do with the adoption at all… Sort of… I guess to be more accurate what I mean is that I wish I didn’t have constant reminders of it. Whether that be having people ask me about it, or seeing things that remind me of Darling’s birthmother, or even just seeing anything to do with the AP’s. I know that people aren’t trying to remind me about it constantly, and that Liberty Park doesn’t want to remind me of Darling’s mother and the times we spent together there. (as if a park has intentions)

            Though these things are true, it also happens to be that I would rather forget for a while and move on. I would like to be at the point where when I go on a first date with someone I don’t feel like I have to tell them about it or I would be lying about who I am.

            There are times when I am feeling a lot of pain for whatever reason, and I think to myself “if only I could go back and change this”. But that is me being indulgent to the emotion. Because I wouldn’t go back and change a thing, if I could go back to relive it though, I would. Even now as I write saying how much this whole thing hurts, I’m also writing to say how truly amazing it all is. I will never have an experience like this again. Not so say that I won’t have other amazing things happen in my life. But comparing this would be like trying to argue apples and oranges, it just doesn’t work.

OH DEAR

Denying This Day, Didn’t Stop It From Coming.

            So I woke up this morning and took a shower and cleaned myself up very nicely for the day. Went up stairs to make something to eat and noticed that there was a can of whipped cream in the fridge from the last time the AP’s came to visit. My literal response was to yell at the top of my lungs for no one to hear (no one was home) “WHIPPED CREAM FOR THE WIN!!!” I then proceeded to grab the can and spray the creamy deliciousness directly into my mouth. THIS JUST IN! Yes, as it turns out, Benjamin is in fact 11 years old.

            So today is predicted to be the day of the rapture. This should be interesting. It made me think of a line from the song for today’s post. So I will share that at the bottom. This is a strange post in the sense that it isn’t really directed toward Darling, but more toward my readers. The reason for this you ask? Well the reason is because I’m going to start a new blog that is just for my own personal use. Here is the link  http://meridionalwords.blogspot.com/

            Darling,

I want you to know that I have been thinking about you a lot lately. Or I guess I should say that I have been thinking about you more in the last week than I had been in the weeks previous. I don’t know what to say here without painting myself into a corner, so for now just remember how much I care. 

TO DARLING

Isn’t It A Lovely Way, We Got In From Our Play

Isn’t It Babe, A Sweet Little Baby.

            Darling, I want you to know how much I love you. I care about you more than you may know. I wouldn’t have done all this if I didn’t. If I didn’t care I would have walked away in the beginning. But the truth is I do, and if you ever need me for something that you can’t get from your mommy and daddy, just know that your birthfather is here to help in whatever way I can.

            I looked back at my old posts on this blog, and I came to realize that I had strayed from my original intent. I noticed this because in the last month I have only done ONE post that has anything directly to do with your adoption. And as I stated in my very first post, I started this blog so that one day you could go back and understand why your birthmother and I did what we did, and you could see it the way I did.

            The problem there being that the blog turned into something else for me. It turned into a place to rant about adoption. I have said some rather harsh things about your birthmother on here and I want you to know that while I was upset with her, it doesn’t mean I think you should be. Your birthmother and I are very different people, and we operate in different ways. I like to be communicative, and not everyone is like that.

            I’m sure you already know if you are able to read this, but I want you to know what a truly wonderful person your birthmother is. She did something for you that I could not. And if you are ever angry or upset with her I want you to know how very hard it was for her to carry you for nine months, and because she loves you, to then give you to your mommy and daddy who needed you, and who you also needed.

            Darling, I want you to know how much you changed my life for the better. I don’t know if I can explain it to you properly. But you truly have. You have helped me to understand things that I didn’t before. Things about myself, as well as things about other people. I want to thank you for that. I love you very much Darling, and I will write more for you when those things happen.

From your birthfather,

With all my heart,

Benjamin.

AND THE ROAD IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS

So, I had a great day planned out to do all the things I have been putting off during this last week. Weed the garden, water the plants, do laundry, clean my room, WRITE A BLOG POST. And I was just sitting on the couch relaxing with some Nutella and tortilla's and drinking a glass of milk, when I got a phone call. They need someone to work tonight, and seeing as I can always use the overtime; I took the shift. So this is to just let you all know that there is a post in the works, and I haven't just forgotten. So until tomorrow, enjoy some music.

COWARD

You’re The Straw That’s Crushing My Back.

You Are The Salt That’s Burning My Wounds.

            You my dear reader are an amazing thing. I want you to know that I love the comments you leave for me. I love the support you give in whatever way you are able. I also want you to know that even if you are the type who doesn’t agree with me or my beliefs I appreciate that MOST of you know when to keep your mouth shut. This post is about someone who doesn’t know how to keep their mouth shut. It’s about someone who doesn’t know anything about me or my situation outside of what I post. It’s about an email they sent me to voice these things. THIS POST IS ABOUT A COWARD. This is what they wrote.

Benjamin,
Been reading your blog for some time now.  You don't know me and you have no reason to even read another word....
You have rights, it's obvious no one cares for you and you should fight for Darling if you want her.  People raise children with only one parent all the time.


ANYONE reading your blog can read between the lines to see that you did not choose the adoption, you might have agreed with Darling's Mother on the adoptive parents but other than that, where has your voice been heard?   To be excluded from the hospital?  Really?  She wouldn't be here without you so why don't you get a say?  The Birthmother doesn't have to be with you when you see Darling....should you decide you want too.  You said it yourself, you could really throw a wrench in this whole thing.  So why don't you?  You don't owe anyone anything but you do owe it to Darling.  When you meet her 20 or 30 years from now and she says, "Why didn't you want me?"  What will you say?    I don't know of any OPEN adoptions where the adoptive parents and the birth parents are one big happy family.  Once the adoptive parents take Darling home, they will continue to appreciate you and Darling's mother for your sacrifice but they are not going to call you or Darling's Mother on a daily basis and update you with Darling's milestones.......no matter what they say NOW or how perfect they seem!  Open adoption....clarify for your readers what that means for you and your story!!   You and Darling's Mother.... will you be invited over to the adoptive parents home for special occasions?  First Birthdays..First everything's?  I can't imagine as wonderful as these adoptive parents are that they are just going to welcome you and Darlings Mother into their home with open arms?  Especially when we can all see that you and Darling's mother clearly do not get along.  Having you both there....if that ever happened would be very uncomfortable...right?  Husbands and Wives can come and go but your born to just one Mother and one Father.  I feel your turmoil and I am sad your not fighting for yourself.   

Did you ever stop to think that the adoption family is giving you ONLY their very best side?  That whatever it is they are saying and showing you is ONLY what they want you to see? 
You and Darling's Mother have something that they want and they can't go out and just buy it so they are "advertising" what they have to offer and why what they offer is better than what someone else can offer.... until someone picks them.  It's no different than a manufacturer advertising a product to a consumer and making it seem so perfect creating a desire so that their product is chosen over their competitors!  Think about it for a minute. Adoptive parents get so desperate that they would never let you see the very things that make us human....the mistakes we have made in our lives.  I bet you anything they are perfect.  Or are they?  You are being the nice guy and I know there is a lot I don't know but well there is a lot that I do know...most of which....I can't tell you.  

To continue communicating....this email must NOT be shared in your BLOGS or forwarded to anyone.  It is between you and me.  Those are my rules.  Sorry. 
 

Privacy Notice:

This message is intended only for the use of the individual or entity to which it is addressed and may contain information that is privileged, confidential or exempt from disclosure under applicable federal or state law.  If the reader of this message is not the intended recipient or the employee or agent responsible for delivering the message to the intended recipient you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution or copying of this communication is strictly prohibited.

            Here is what I responded with.

I'm going to be honest and tell you that I am pretty unimpressed with your so called courage. You said it yourself, you don't know all the things that have happened, and all the conversations I have had with Darling's AP's. I want to make one thing clear, because evidently you didn't pick it up while reading ANY of my 23 posts. I love my daughter more than YOU will ever comprehend. I don't mind if other people choose to single parent. I would even consider it for myself in a different circumstance. But again like you said yourself. Darling's mother and I DO NOT GET ALONG. My own personal ethics are such that I will not raise my children in a situation where their opinions about their parents are based on things that the other parent have said. I know that I wouldn't be able to do that, because Darling's mother and I would fight about things constantly. I'm VERY opinionated and a lot of times I have problems keeping my mouth shut. 

I'll tell you right now that all the things you have told me to stop and think about for a second, I already have. Not only have I already thought of them, but I have brought them up with Darling's parents to be. You don't know what the relationship between us is like so I wouldn't recommend you try soliciting advice before getting background information. I can tell you now that there ARE things about her AP's that I just don't like. I DO KNOW that they are meant for my daughter. God doesn't lie, and THAT is what HE revealed to me. And you know what I'll just be straightforward here. If Darling's AP's do end up the way you so dramatically imagine they will be. I am okay with that. I am not doing this so that I can have a relationship with her or them. I'm doing it because it is the best thing she can have. If I never saw or heard from them again, I would still have the peace of mind that my daughter has a family that love her and each other. And that is all I could ever really ask for. Any other experiences I may get along the way are just blessings from Heavenly Father as far as I'm concerned. 

Just so you are aware, you are NOT the first person who has sent me a private email about feeling the same way as you. The difference being that the other people who have are respectful and only speak from their experiences. They don't try and assume things, they only tell me that if I am not completely sure about adoption, that I should reconsider raising Darling on my own. Those people have more courage than you. They at least include their names in their emails. They don't add disclaimers at the end of them threatening to not respond if I share the email with others. I have been able to handle having other people tell me things I don't necessarily want to hear because they speak out to me with good intentions. It sounds to me like you had a bad experience with adoption. If that is the case maybe it's something you should bring up with your counselor. I'm sure you have one already, because no MATURE person would say the sort of things you have and add stipulations for the communication to continue. I don't tell Darling's AP's that if they don't include me in things I'm not going to answer the phone or ever visit even if she were to want me to. Because this isn't about me honey, and you don't seem to understand. You know the other emails I have gotten I have respectfully decided not to respond to. You know the saying "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"? Well that's why I didn't respond to the others. But you... ho oh oh. You're the straw that's crushing my back. You are the salt that's burning my wounds.

That’s the end of the correspondence we had. And if you are reading this now(whoever you are). I just thought you should read this one last thing.

Push your controlling values aside, and dissect your own life.
It's not about my beliefs. It's about personal choice.
It breaks your heart to see me consume, but it shatters mine to see people follow you.
Ask me to be blameless. You ask me to be blameless.
You ask me to be blameless, but who are you to decide what's right?
Don't say another word. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line. Don't say another word.
You've crossed the line.
Let's go...
I won't hesitate to put you in your place.
You are the straw that's crushing my back.
You ask me to be blameless.
You ask me to be blameless, but who are you to decide what's right?
Don't say another word...
However, I thank you for this pen and ink ammunition.
Thank you for the inspiration.
You're the straw that's crushing my back.
You are the salt that's burning my wounds.
You're the straw that's crushing my back.
You are the salt that's burning my wounds.
You're the straw that's crushing my back.
You are the salt that's burning my wounds

I apologize to my other readers for posting yet another angry screaming song, but this one just fit the bill way too well to pass it up.